Original subtitles

Good morning, my friends.

Well, I'm glad to see we're all gathered together. I have an announcement to

make. You're all invited to my penthouse this evening to honor Clayton Endicott,

Jr. Junior?

You have children?

Now, that would be an amazing story.

No, no, no. Catherine, the junior is my father. He's coming into town, and I am

giving a dinner for him. You sound excited.

Of course he's excited. He gets his allowance tonight.

Amusing, Benson. Now, who's going to be there tonight?

Free food?

Me, me. I'll be there.

Good. Governor?

Oh, I think I'm free tonight. What time?

Eight o 'clock.

Benson? I'm going to have to check my schedule.

You don't have any appointments this evening.

I'd still like to check.

Trust me, you're available.

I don't know. You're free, completely open.

I'd love to attend.

I'll see you in my office.

Try to be on time.

Cocktails at eight, dinner at nine.

Am I invited?

Well, uh... Uh... No.

Uh...

Benson,

your coat.

Yeah, hang it near the front.

You got a TV guide?

Benson, I want you to be on your best behavior tonight. My father is escorting

lady.

What am I, goose fat?

Yes.

Now, fellas, I think she looks very nice tonight.

Thank you, I think.

Gee, I sure am glad to hear that your father is dating, Clayton. Well, sir,

since my mother passed away, my father's happiness is my only consideration.

Do you have something to say, Miss Krause? This vine

goes right to my head.

Good, that's where your mouth is.

Ah, ah, ah, here they are.

Now remember, best behavior.

Ricketts, this wine is older than she is.

So? So I'm jealous.

How old do you suppose she is?

I don't know, but it must have been a vintage year.

Oh, nice to see you again. Nice to see you, too.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, whitey.

Vincent, mind your manners.

What are you talking about? That's his nickname.

Sorry. I don't think I've had the honor.

No, I'm Gretchen Krause. I don't have a nickname.

Yes, she does, but we don't use it in public.

Well, nice to meet you, Gretchen.

I'd like you all to say a big hello to Darlene Montgomery.

Well,

can I get you two some things? Some wine, scotch, popsicles.

Well, let's all sit down. Yeah.

Sit down. Good idea.

Oh, Whitey, how was your flight?

Oh, just extraordinary.

Well, that's a layman's opinion.

Why don't you ask the pilot?

You're a pilot, Darlene?

Yeah, well, I get a kick out of it.

Oh, I'll bet.

Well, here we are.

Oh, thank you.

Darlene was just telling us that she flies.

Oh.

Do you do stunts?

So, Darlene, are you a professional pilot?

No, no, it's just a hobby. I'm vice president of CE Clothiers.

Oh?

Father's retail subsidiary.

Well, tell me, Darlene.

Just... How long have you been with father?

Professionally speaking.

About six months.

I see.

And how long have you been with father socially?

About six months.

I see.

I've always been fascinated by airplanes myself.

You have a point to make, son. Oh, no, sir, I... I just, uh... I find

it interesting that Darlene's jump into the corporate world has coincided with

her jumping into... It's amazing how they put those things up in the air like

that.

I do not appreciate that implication.

Oh, did I imply something?

I think you should have a little more respect for the woman I love.

Ah! Love?

Especially the big airplanes.

I'm going to have to have you committed.

I don't think I heard what you said.

It was a joke.

Where's your sense of humor?

Well,

by golly, I...

I think that turkey should be just about ready.

Ding.

Did he say ding?

No, the turkey's a ventriloquist.

Vincent. Oh, Father.

Son. Vincent, I want you to do me a favor. Sure.

You mentioned to Darlene last night that you enjoyed singing.

Well, yes, I've been known to croon -a -toon -a -toon.

Well, how about singing at my wedding?

Oh, why?

Why?

Wedding? When?

Saturday.

Saturday?

You can't be serious.

I've never been more serious in my life. Why? Did you get her in trouble?

Don't you ever say anything nice about anyone.

All right, what do you say? I'd be very happy. Well, if you don't mind the

rattle of rusty pipes, I'd be happy to.

Wonderful. See you Saturday.

Okay. Saturday?

What is the hurry?

What do you mean, what's the hurry?

Are you blind?

Relax, Clayton. I'm sure Darlene and your father will be very happy. Who

If he marries her, I'm finished, through, kaput. What are you talking

Benson, I can outlive my father, but not Darlene.

She'll get everything, and statistically, rich people live longer

people.

Yeah, but the good news is that when you're poor, it seems longer.

What is this?

Well, I'm sorry, Clayton, but that's all the food that's ready.

Well, aren't you going to peel it?

Don't push me, Hendicott, or you'll wind up with that banana sticking out of

your ear.

Look, you never ate in a mansion before.

Why now?

I'm conditioning myself to accept government handouts in preparation for

future.

The late Mr. Cassidy loved bananas.

He used to say, A banana a day keeps the doctor away.

I believe that's apples.

A banana a day keeps the apples away.

You are losing it, pal.

Mrs. Cassidy.

Oh, hi, Chief.

Hey, Bonzo.

Did you receive the wedding invitation?

Yes, I did, but considering how you feel about this whole affair, I'm surprised

he's being held at your penthouse.

The penthouse belonged to my father. I had no choice.

Oh, well, you have my sympathies.

I don't need your sympathies. I need my father's money.

Money doesn't make the world go round.

Benson, don't be naive.

If my father cuts me off, I'll have to live out my life as one of the masses, a

common man.

Is that any way for a human being to live?

Care for some lunch?

No, thank you.

This common man just finished stuffing himself at La Parisienne.

Benson, how can you afford such extravagances?

I mean, you don't make much more than I do, and I don't make diddly.

Well, it's just a matter of give and take. If you want to take an expensive

lunch, you give up something.

Like what? Like...

Manicures?

Come on, get serious, Clayton. I don't get manicures. I trim my own nails.

How?

The nail clipper fool.

Go on.

Clayton, if you expect to get by on your salary alone, you're going to have to

learn how not to be a snob.

I am not a snob. You are a snob. For example, how much did you pay for that

suit?

Well, seven, maybe $800.

$800? I'd buy three suits for $800.

Yeah, but look at them.

Oh, my kidding, Benson. I'll never make it without my father's money.

Why don't you just sit down and have a talk with your father? You don't know

that he's going to cut you off and give it all to her.

Well, put yourself in his position. What would you do?

Oh, don't go by me. I don't like you.

Well, he doesn't like me either.

Then there's only one thing you can do. What?

Learn to live middle class.

Learn to live like you?

Never. Clayton. What?

You better take something for Din Din.

Clayton. Ah, welcome.

He's been at the schnapps already.

So, there is a blushing bride.

She's blushing in the bedroom down the hall, second door on the left. I'll just

go see if she needs anything. Yes, you do that. Oh, Benson, Benson, Benson,

a glorious day.

Sounds like you've got things worked out with your father. Just about.

This is a...

prenuptial agreement which states that when father dies, Darlene gets zip.

And she signed it.

Really?

Well, you see, I told you she'd be reasonable.

She wasn't reasonable. I tricked her.

All I have to do is trick father, and as long as I have this paper in my hot

little hands, I'm back in the money.

Well, Benson, I'd like you to meet Darlene's aunt, Aunt Connie.

How do you do?

How do you do?

She's going to accompany you on the piano.

Nothing is sweeter than the harmony of music and voice melded together in song.

Well, that's a lovely thought.

Just don't step on my intro and we'll wail, Benny.

Oh, by the way, Father, I need your signature.

What's this?

Oh, it's just a wedding license.

Oh, well.

Hey, you can't have a wedding without a license. No, you can't, sir.

Here we go.

Now,

Clayton, have you ever given any thought to marriage?

Oh, sir, I just... I don't think that it would be fair

to a woman until I'm assured of financial stability.

Well, even then, I don't think it would be fair.

Well, I think I'd better get ready.

Get a grip on yourself.

You, Benson, shall we give it a run through?

I gotta go.

Don't do anything stupid.

Let me rephrase that. Don't do anything stupid.

Oh, Clayton, do you have a cloth and some soap?

What? A cloth and some soap.

I have to take a lipstick stain out of Darlene's dress.

Darlene's dress?

Is that Darlene's dress?

No, it's the world's largest doily.

Miss Krause, the caterers are in desperate need of your assistance. Would

so kind? I'll take care of Darlene's dress.

Okay.

Oh, Joe.

Clayton, we found this outside in the hall.

It looks like somebody's dress.

Yes, it's, um, it's the, uh, the next door neighbors.

They're, uh, nudists.

Yeah, they get a little carried away.

So, where's the blushing bride?

I don't care.

Oh, I do care. Sir, why don't you just, um, put your coat in the bedroom down

the hall, second door on the left.

And, sir, while you're at it, why don't you just take this with you?

Uh, Catherine, can I get you anything?

Got a TV guide?

Is

that

my dress?

Oh, hi, Catherine. Darling, how wonderful to see you.

I mean...

Can I just put that on and let you take a minute? Oh, what? No, no, no, no.

We'll go.

Oh,

darling, Clayton, what the... What

the hell's going on here?

Oh, wait a minute.

You don't think that I... That Darlene and I... That we were...

Oh, what a tangled web we...

did was come in here to throw my coat on the bed.

Oh, your coat, huh?

Do you have a point to make, Whitey? Well, darling, let me handle this.

Whitey, I would never try to move in on another guy's girl.

Now, when I say girl, what I mean... All right, you, put up your dukes.

Whitey, come on. Come on, I'm gonna punch you out. Come on, and then I'll

with you. Come on. All right.

If you want to fight, you better give it your best shot, Shorty, because I'm

going to clean your clock.

What? What? What is going on in here? Stand back, Benson.

Governor, what do you think you're doing? I am defending my honor. That's

I'm doing.

And you?

Well, I came in here and he was with her like that.

He was returning my dress to me so that I could marry you.

Well, this sounds like a big misunderstanding to me.

Right, Clayton?

Oh, yeah, that's what it sounds like to me.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, darling.

I'm a fool.

No, I'm the one who's a fool.

Because I love a fool.

Oh, no, no, no, Tish, no.

What's going on?

Looks to me like the prenuptial agreement is about to hit the fan.

Would you care to explain this?

Ah.

Uh.

No.

Well, then I will.

This is a prenuptial agreement stating that Dolly... gets absolutely nothing if

I die and it's signed both by Darlene and me.

Well, this is a family matter. No, no, no, no, no. I want you to hear this.

my son is a spoiled, selfish brat.

And he created this little confrontation in an effort to stop me from marrying

Darlene. Now, Father, I can... Shut up!

Don't ask.

I... I am really sorry.

I hope you can find your heart to forgive me. Oh, I do, Whitey. And I

you're getting a wonderful girl.

A wonderful woman.

Thank you, thank you.

As for you, I'll deal with what's left of your behind tomorrow.

I'll be ready in a moment.

I'm sure you two would rather be alone. Benson, Benson, Benson.

Where'd I go wrong with this kid?

Well, to tell you the truth, Whitey, I'd rather not come, you know. What do you

think I should do? What would you do?

Well, I'd leave innocent bystanders out of it. I'll tell you what I'm going to

do, Benson.

I think I should warm up my voice before I sing.

I'm going to cut him off financially.

Is that right?

Me, me, me, me, me.

No more allowances, no more trust fund, no more inheritance.

How about that?

Well, I may reconsider, but he has to know there's more in life than

money. Now, that ought to do it, right?

Come, Mr.

Tallyman, Tallymother. I love

you.

I'm doing it for your own good.