Original subtitles

They'll be ready to start the grand opening ceremony in just a minute. Well,

certainly hope so.

Standing here with these big scissors, I feel like Godzilla's man -cursed.

Gee, I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Stop this bum.

Benson! You are a hero!

What kind of a reward is that?

Well,

Benson, did you see this picture of yourself in Cityscape magazine?

Is that me?

Yeah. Looks like Billy Dee Williams.

Oh.

You know, it really is amazing.

Everywhere I turn, I hear your name and I see your face.

When is everyone going to finish fawning over this man?

I mean, it's been two months. You act as if he brought us peace in our time.

Clayton. Well, I'm sorry, sir. He stopped a petty thief. I mean, the

shows, the magazine articles, the awards.

What are we going to do next? Build him a temple and bring him fruit?

No, but you might consider throwing yourself into a volcano on my behalf.

Excuse me, Lieutenant Governor.

Yes, young man, come in. Lieutenant Governor Benson DuBois, right? Yes.

Oh, Deputy Springer from Sheriff's Department.

Nice to see you. Hey, I voted for you.

You're doing a great job. I really admire you. Thank you very much. I've

something for you.

It's good to see a brother doing it. All right. All right.

Nice young man, huh? What is this? Another award?

Why don't we just perma -plaque the man and be done with it?

It's a subpoena.

A subpoena? For what?

Yeah, I'm being stupid. by Skippy Lee White.

You mean to say the robber you caught is suing you?

That's right.

For a million and a half dollars.

I

can't

believe you are letting Clayton... Act as your attorney.

Well, I always try to get the right man for the right job. This lawsuit is

stupid. Need I say more?

Shh, here he comes.

Hi, Clayton. Sir?

Good luck with F. Lee Dumkoff.

Well, Benson, I have plotted a brilliant strategy for your defense.

Well, one thing, Clayton. During the hearing, don't get clever.

Benson, what are you worried about? There is no way I can lose this case.

I'm sure there's a way. I just don't want you to stumble upon it.

Did you find out who's representing Skippy D. White? Yes, I found out. I do

homework. It's an attorney named Robert Charles Walker. I never heard of him.

Obviously, some neophyte trying to make a name for himself.

I'm going to chew him up and spit him out.

All right, boys.

That's enough now.

All right, now, y 'all.

It's all over with now. Who was that?

Oh, no, it's him.

It's who?

It's Nevada Bob.

Bob. Bob.

Who is it?

That's Nevada Bob Walker. Don't you recognize him, Vincent? His picture was

the cover of First and Magazine.

Come on.

Will you be quiet?

Is that the guy who was on TV and sued Canada?

And won.

I'm fine. Yes.

How about that, LeVon and Bob Walker? Yes.

Narf!

Vincent Dubois.

Well, I'm Nevada Bob Walker. Maybe you heard me.

Yes, yes. As a matter of fact, we were just talking about you. Nice outfit.

Now, Mr. Dubois, before we get started, I just wanted you to know that I'm not

taking one red cent to handle this young man's case. No, sir.

Oh, that's very admirable. What are you doing it for?

Well, I'm writing a book.

And I'm looking for a big finish.

What's it got to do with me?

Well, I've been following your career, Mr.

DuBois, and the people of this state look upon you as an honorable man, a man

integrity. Well, thank you very much, but I'm just trying to do my job. Well,

they made a hero out of you and put you up on a kind of pedestal.

Ah, well. Yeah, if I could knock you off of that pedestal, that'd be a feather

in my cap, wouldn't it?

What is it you're trying to say?

Mr. Du Bois, I'm saying that I'm going to make a mockery of you and everything

you stand for, and I'm going to enjoy it.

It's been real nice talking to you.

All rise. County court now in session. The Honorable Edmund J. Harper

Be seated.

Now, this is a preliminary hearing into the matter. of Mr.

Horace Skippy Lee White versus the Honorable Benson Dubois, Lieutenant

of the State. Your Honor, Your Honor, may I approach the bench?

Would you mind waiting until I'm finished?

It's very important.

Oh, well then, come on in.

I hope we're not in for another one of your exhilarating performances, Dubois.

No, no, not me.

You see, I've got a little problem.

Clayton, my lawyer, he's not feeling well.

Is there anything you can do for me? May I get another lawyer?

You can get a continuance.

Oh, good, good. I can have you back in this courtroom in 18 months.

In 18 months? Well, I can't have this thing hanging over my head for that

Is that the best you can do?

Take it or leave it.

Well, I guess I'll just have to take it.

I'll just have to handle the case myself.

You're in a tough spot, Dubois.

Mr. Dubois has decided to act as his own attorney this afternoon.

Now, may we continue with the proceedings? Mr. Walker, your opening

please.

Your Honor, I'm not a real smart man.

It seems clear to me that we've got ourselves a real simple case here.

Over here, Mr.

Du Bois.

Now, he's a successful man, a powerful man, a man of influence and position.

Yeah, but I'm not a man with a million and a half dollars.

You have Mr. Skippy Lee White, who hasn't been as fortunate as Mr.

Du Bois.

He has no family, no guidance.

He's a man unable to pull himself up by his own bootstraps. Because, frankly,

he has no boots.

He sold his gun and bought boots.

Your Honor, I'm going to prove that this lieutenant governor is a scofflaw,

a vigilante, a common thug.

sitting in the seat of power, dispensing his justice like a king of Egypt.

Well, that don't go.

Not in this U .S. of A. No, sir.

I want to thank you for listening.

What? What?

Now what?

Your opening statement, please.

Oh.

Mr. Skippy Lee White is a man who makes a living by pointing a gun at people and

taking their money. I did what any normal citizen would do. I stopped him.

That's all I have to say.

That's it?

That's your response to the kings of Egypt?

Well, it was short.

May we continue, please?

Your Honor, Mr.

White... is seeking one and one -half million dollars in punitive compensation

for Mr. Du Bois, who's deprived my client of his civil rights, specifically

right to work.

The man is an armed robber. It's against the law for him to work.

Your Honor, I'd like to call my first witness.

Good. Let's move it along.

I call Miss Gretchen Craft to the stand.

You're going to testify against me? Well, I have no choice, Benson. They

a lapini in the hallway.

A sapini?

Yeah. Call Miss Gretchen Krause to the stand. Yeah, yeah. All right, all right.

Raise your right hand.

Right.

Do you swear that everything you are about to say is the truth? The whole

and nothing but the truth?

I object, Your Honor. That question calls for a conclusion.

Krause. The question calls for an answer.

I always tell the truth.

Good. You're sworn.

Now sit down, please.

Thank you.

Now, Miss Krause, you were an eyeball witness to everything that happened,

you not?

Yeah.

And I'll bet those pretty blue eyes saw everything.

You bet your bobsled these peepers don't miss a trick, cowboy.

So you witnessed the entire... By incident.

Absolutely. Now, Miss Krause, you're a very attractive woman.

I object, Miss Leading the Witness.

One, two, three.

Where was I?

You were telling about how attractive I am.

Yes, ma 'am, so I was.

Now, tell me, are you sure... that you weren't watching your reflection in the

store window. Nobody could blame you. No, no, no.

I saw everything.

As a matter of fact, I told Benson to watch out.

So you won, Mr.

DuBois. Yeah.

Well, thank you very much, Miss Krause. You've been a charming witness.

Oh, there's one thing more.

You know the lieutenant governor pretty well, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Would you say that he was a quick thinker? The quickest.

So, in other words, you warned Mr.

Du Bois, and thinking quickly, he formulated a plan to assault my client.

Wait a minute. I didn't say that.

There you have it, Your Honor.

Premeditated assault.

This hulking bully planned an attack on my client with his blunt scissors.

Hulking bully, Your Honor. I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm in

terrible shape.

No further questions.

Order, please.

Your witness, Mr.

DeVos.

Miss Krause. Yeah?

I have no questions, Your Honor. Vincent, you can't let him get away with

He forced me to tell the truth.

Yeah, but I have nothing to ask you. Vincent, you have to discredit me or to

make me look like a fool.

Well, it's a tempting offer, Krauss, but this is the time for us to be having

fun.

Now, Miss Cassidy, can you tell me, have you ever seen Mr.

DuBois lose his temper?

Hey, don't play hardball with me, Pally.

I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might get Benson into trouble.

Mrs. Cassidy, you cannot plead the Fifth Amendment on behalf of someone else.

I can't? No.

What was the question?

We were talking about Mr.

Du Bois' violent temper.

I object.

Counsel is drawing a conclusion.

Sustained. All right.

I withdraw the part about the violent temper.

Have you ever seen the lieutenant governor do anything physical when he

upset?

Well, once when our television didn't work right, Benson got real mad and

it. I was trying to improve the reception.

Were you trying to improve Skippy Lee's reception?

Walker. Was there anything else you remember, Miss Cassidy?

Oh, yes. Well, I remember once he tried to beat up his car.

I beg pardon?

Well, he got a flat tire on the turnpike, and he hit it and kicked it,

screamed out of something terrible.

Well, thank you, Miss Cassidy. No further questions.

Your witness, Mr.

DuPont.

Mrs. Cassidy.

Isn't it true that when I kicked the TV, it had gone on the fridge during the

middle of the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl?

You'll believe that's right.

And when I kicked the car, weren't we trying to get you to the airport to

a flight?

Yes, that's true.

So isn't it possible that I had perfectly good reasons for getting

Sure, you always have a reason for going on a rampage.

No further questions.

Like the time you threw that reporter in the reflecting pool.

No. further questions.

I'm surprised that sucker didn't sue you, too. No, I'm not.

Cassidy, you may step down.

Oh.

Thank you, doll.

We rest our case, Your Honor.

Mr. Dubois?

Would you like to present your case?

Yes, Your Honor, I would. I'd like to call one witness, Vincent Dubois.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm willing to give you a little latitude in this hearing, but I'm

don't turn it into a carnival.

Okay, Ned, just keep your robe on.

I'm going to tell my side of the story.

You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Yes, I

do. You may proceed.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Now, Mr.

Dubois.

Did you mean to hurt Mr.

Skippy Lee White?

No, sir, I did not. Stay where you are.

And no sideshows.

Okay.

Are you sorry that Mr. Skippy Lee White got hurt?

Any decent human being would be.

Just answer the question, Mr. Dubois.

I'm beginning to hear a calliope.

Okay, okay. No further questions.

Not so fast, Mr.

Du Bois.

Would you tell him that my name is Du Bois?

Senator, you're acting like a man who was just standing in the mall, minding

own business on the day in question.

That's exactly what I was doing. If that's so, then why were you armed?

I wasn't armed.

Oh, then what do you call these?

Big scissors. What do you call it?

A concealed weapon? Where did I hide them? In my socks?

No further questions, Your Honor.

Dubois, you may step down.

No, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I didn't get to tell the whole story.

Step down, Dubois. Those are the rules.

No, this is a travesty. An armed robber hauls me into court because I caught him

too hard?

This stinks, Dubois. This really stinks.

the first time. This is a carnival and you and I are right in the middle of the

midway. One more outburst like that and I'll hold you in contempt.

How do you think it's going?

And I would like to conclude by saying that when Mr. Du Bois apprehended

my client, he was not obeying the law.

No, sir. He was taking it into his own hands.

Attitudes like that. And people like him encourage vigilantism.

There is no room in this good old U .S. of A. for vigilantes.

No, sir.

I want to thank all you good people for listening.

Mr. DuBois.

DuBois, your final arguments?

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Your Honor, I don't know where to begin.

Oh.

Now, I'm the first to admit that I don't know much about lawsuits.

But on the face of it, this one seems a little off the mark.

Now, I stop a man during the commission of an armed robbery in broad daylight.

I get all kinds of awards and medals. People tell me what I did was a good

thing. And the next thing I know, I'm being sued.

Why?

It's a mystery to me.

The only thing I can think of is that a case like this allows an attorney like

Mr. Nevada Bob Walker to work his magic, cast his spell, to use the law to

further his own interests.

I submit, Your Honor, that Nevada Bob Walker and his kind are holding a gun to

the head of the American judicial system, using technicalities in the law

bullets to take pot shots at the Constitution. And they do it simply to

their pockets, pop up their egos, and sell their books.

It's all perfectly legal, Mr. DuBois.

It may be legal, Mr. Walker, but it ain't right. No, sir.

All finished?

Yeah, I'm happy.

Ladies and gentlemen, after listening to some very

interesting witnesses, you'll be happy to know that I've reached a decision.

Mr. Dubois, you deserve a tremendous amount of praise as a hero.

Thank you, Your Honor. But as an attorney, your skills leave a lot to be

desired. What do you mean?

Don't quit your day job.

And as for you, Mr. Walker, your greatest skill seems to be to whip the

into a frenzy. And although that skill should not influence a court of law, I

realize that unfortunately sometimes it does.

Sometimes.

But not today.

This case is dismissed.

You beat Nevada Bob.

Snarf.