Original subtitles

Good morning, Cross.

Oh, Benson, I'm glad you're here. Do you think I should change my hair?

I don't know. Will you take it back?

I'm seeking of getting a feather cut.

Well, don't get too many cut now.

You won't be able to fly at night.

Why do I even bother discussing things with you?

I don't know. I try to discourage it.

Oh, I almost forgot. This telegram came for you. Well, thank you.

Aren't you going to open it? Yeah, I'll open it as soon as I get back to my

office. But what if it's urgent?

What if it's private?

Oh, that's amazing. Did you get your telegram?

Yes, sir. Thank you. So, what's the bad news?

Who knows? He won't open it. I said I'll open it when I get to the office.

Oh, I don't know, Benson. I'm not sure you should be alone when you open it. I

remember one telegram. It gave Mr.

Dennehy a heart attack.

Did I ever tell you that story?

All right, I'll open it. Who's Mr. Dennehy?

Cross, I said I'll open it.

He lived next door when I was a boy, and he was always entering contests. Why

didn't I just know?

And one day, the Western Union man arrived, and it was the telegraph, and

Denner, he had finally won something.

It was a lifetime supply of corned beef hash.

What, the excitement gave him a heart attack?

Uh, no, lifting 30 cases of corned beef hash gave him a heart attack.

I don't believe it.

Well, maybe it was only 25 cases. I don't know. It's been a long time.

This says that I may be receiving an inheritance.

Oh, I hope it isn't corned beef hash.

It doesn't say what it is. But this law firm in Toronto needs proof that I'm

related to the deceased.

Oh, I didn't know you had relatives in Canada.

Well, anything's possible.

You know, the way people look.

See, but I can only trace my family back to my grandparents.

In order to prove that I'm related to the deceased, I have to go back further

than that.

Well, maybe you should contact a genealogist and have him trace your

family tree.

That's a good idea. You know, there's a Professor Petrie here at the university

who's an expert in the field.

Maybe I'll give him a call. I wonder what he would charge to find out where

ancestors come from.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's double for looking under rocks.

Professor Petrie?

Hmm? Vincent Dubois. Ah, yes, of the Philadelphia Dubois.

Pleased to meet you. Thank you.

Actually, it's Baltimore, not Philadelphia.

Actually, it's both. Your family moved to Baltimore from Philadelphia. With the

information you gave me on the phone, that's about all I could uproot.

A little genealogy humor there.

Well, that's already more than my mother ever told me.

Oh, well, it's only the beginning. Most people tracing their family trees

discover they have roots in countless countries.

Well, in this case, the only country that counts is Canada.

Ah, yes.

The inheritance.

I'm not doing this just for the money. Well, neither am I. I love my work.

But you should know that my fee is $20 an hour.

$20 an hour? How long will this take? How far do you want to go back? A couple

of hours.

Uh, Benson, have you got a minute?

Uh, come on in, Clayton. This is Professor Roger Petrie.

Ah, the genealogist.

Professor, this is an honor. I've read your book, Everyone's Relative. I

the name Endicott cropped up several times.

Yes, it's a fairly common name.

Not common at all. The Endicotts are descended from royalty.

I knew he was a royal something.

I'm sure you've run across Prince Maurice Claude of Normandy. No.

What if he does? You want him to give him a message?

Benson, I happen to be descended from Prince Maurice Claude of Normandy. I

the papers to document it.

Clayton, did you come in here for a reason?

Yes, I did. I need the budget report so I can compute the index figures.

You're sitting on it. Oh.

Go forth and multiply.

A little genealogy humor there.

Hey, Pete, what you doing?

Oh, hiya, Benson.

This genealogy stuff got me thinking.

I figure I must have at least one deceased relative worth a few bucks.

Problem is, I'm not getting very far.

What, your family never kept written records?

No, my mother won't return my calls.

Oh, Benson, this just arrived by messenger. It's from Professor Petrie.

This could be it, huh, buddy?

Instant millionaire time.

All you need are the right names on the right headstones, and bingo.

Son of a gun.

What is it, Benson?

It says I'm entitled to the inheritance.

What's the celebration?

Benson's going to get the inheritance.

Well, congratulations, Benson. You should be very happy. Thank you, I am.

sure the Internal Revenue Service will be thrilled.

Oh, Benson, there's a note here from Professor Petrie. He wants to know if

want a copy of your family crest.

Family crest?

Yes, apparently you're descended from royalty.

Oh, please.

Yeah, it's a 16th century Prince of Normandy.

That is impossible.

The only Prince of Normandy was my ancestor, Maurice Claude.

That's the one.

That's the one who?

That's the one who it is.

Prince Maurice Claude of Normandy.

Wait a minute. Doesn't that mean that... Benson and Clayton are related to each

other.

Benson, this is ridiculous. How could you and I... Possibly be related.

I'm surprised I have to explain this to you.

Birds do it. Bees do it. Yes, yes, yes, I know.

And apparently Prince Maurice Claude did it.

I see this.

So this Emma Renard... Yes, was my great -great -great -great -great

-grandmother. There's your mistake, Benson. My great -great -great -great

-great -grandmother was married to Maurice Claude. Aha.

That is your mistake, Clayton. If you had bothered to read the footnote, you

would have discovered that Prince Maurice Claude never married.

That means that your great, great, great, great, great... Great. Thank you,

grandfather. And my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather

were...

Half brothers.

I feel faint.

I feel an exhilarating sense of kinship.

Benson, don't you realize the problems this creates?

Yeah, bro.

We are not related. I am your cousin.

I am not your cousin.

Take it easy, blood.

So, Benson, I guess this is

goodbye. Why'd you put something in the coffee?

out about your inheritance, I figured you'd quit your job. Well, you figured

wrong.

Well, what good is all that money?

Does it bother you that I'm getting it? A little.

There's your answer.

Oh, Benson, I'm glad you're here.

Yeah, Pete, what can I do for you? You get that inheritance today, right?

Good. Can I borrow $1 ,000?

$1 ,000?

Okay, $900.

What do you want with $900?

I don't. I want $1 ,000.

But you're only going to give me $900. I'm not. giving you any $900. What do

need $1 ,000 for?

Well, then I won't have to worry about money for a while.

Hey, leave me alone.

Come on, Spencer. What's $1 ,000 to you? What's $1 ,000 to me?

50 20s, 10 hundreds, 1 ,000 ones, 500 twos, 4 ,000 quarters. It's so touchy.

knew your newfound wealth would go right to your head?

Well, at least I got a head it can go to.

Can I have a minute?

Sure, sweetheart. What's up?

young people striving to help our orchestra reach its full potential. What

you selling?

Magazines. Okay, I'll take a subscription.

Well, there are 15 to choose from.

Well, I'll leave the brochure and I'll pick one.

Couldn't you just buy all 15?

That's expensive.

Yeah, but you're going to be rich, Benson.

Well, I don't know how much the inheritance is, but if it's a lot of

I'll be too busy spending it to read magazines.

So basically what you're saying is don't press my lock.

Well, I'm saying a little bit more than that, but that'll do.

Okay, fine.

See you later.

How'd you do?

One. He only bought one magazine for me?

That's okay, Daddy. You can lend him the other 14 when you're finished reading

them.

Well, Bunsen, you heard from your lawyer yet?

Uh, not yet, sir. Well, I guess you're pretty anxious to find out the amount of

the inheritance, huh?

A little.

But I'm more concerned with...

The change it may make in my life.

Oh, I don't know, Russell. You're a pretty level -headed guy.

I don't think money will make any difference in the kind of person you

Maybe not.

But it's already changing the way people act around me. Oh, that's another

story. Story?

Well, you know, another problem.

Oh, I thought maybe you were going to tell a story.

Oh, no, I hadn't planned to. Why, would you have minded if I had?

Oh, no, I like your stories.

You just don't want to hear one right now, huh?

Well, not really.

I see.

Oh, well, now, Governor, don't go away mad. I'm not mad, Benson.

I'm a little disappointed, I guess.

Governor. You always used to listen to my stories before you came into money.

You busy?

I am never too busy for family.

Thank you. I thought I'd just drop by to discuss our inheritance.

Did you say our inheritance?

You know, I'm really torn over this matter, Benson. On the one hand, the

being related to you makes my skin crawl.

Mine does, too.

It must be in our genes.

On the other hand, if we all... are related, then I am obviously entitled to

share of the inheritance.

Well, now, see, I don't see it that way.

That must be from my mother's side of the family.

Laugh it up, cousin.

But I intend to have my piece of the pie.

Excuse me, Benson. Professor Petrie is here. Send him in, Denise.

Thank you.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No, we were just having a family spat.

Oh?

Actually, Professor, you can help me explain to Benson that since we share

same lineage, I have as much claim to the Canadian inheritance as he does.

As far as I know, there's only one person named in the will, and that's

Dubois. A will can be contested. Part of that money is rightfully mine.

This is extraordinary.

Now, believe me, this is typical Clayton.

No, no, no, no. I mean that you're fighting over the inheritance. It's

how history repeats itself.

It's amazing how Clayton repeats himself.

What are you talking about, Professor?

Well, I've dug a little deeper into your past, and it seems that your two

families have been feuding for over 400 years.

You hear that, Clayton? You come from a long line of troublemakers.

It is far more likely that your family were the troublemakers.

No, no, no, no, no. I have the answer to that. You see, there's always been a

dispute over the family fortune.

In fact, 400 years ago, a duel was supposed to settle the matter, but your

-great -great -great -great -great -great -grandfather didn't show up, and

great -great -great -great -great -great -great -great -grandfather inherited.

Great. Then that settles it. The money belongs to my side of the family.

Not necessarily. You see, the Indicots have reissued the challenge

the last time being in 1816, and the Dubois have accepted, but somehow the

was never fought.

Probably because the Endicott's kept chickening out.

An Endicott never backs down.

You were probably conveniently out of town.

Are you hinting at cowardice? I'm stating it flat out.

Josset, you have sullied the name of Endicott. Professor Petrie, you are a

witness. I hereby reissue the challenge. In lieu of a gauntlet, I throw down

this steno pad.

What does this mean, four points at dawn?

Excuse me, but dueling is illegal in this country. Yes, so is double parking,

but people still do it.

Well, Benson, do you accept the challenge or is the inheritance mine by

Oh, Clayton, I don't want to have to duel with you. Now who's a chicken?

All right, I take up the... No, fast.

Then it's agreed.

We cross swords.

Cold steel shall settle this matter. I have to make a note. By sword.

I hate to interrupt, but according to the rules of chivalry, the challenge has

the choice of weapons.

All right, Benson. What will it be? Pistols? Sabers? Fisticuffs?

I choose lips.

You say lips.

What are you talking about?

A battle of wits. A battle of wits? What we used to call playing the dozens.

An insult contest.

Thank you, Professor. You're welcome.

Do you mean to say that you would dare meet at dawn to trade insults with me?

the death.

I'll see you at dawn.

Now, gentlemen, are you sure that you want to go through with this? It's not

late to call it off. It's 400 years too late.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, all right. I didn't know exactly what rules to use, so I just kind of

them up as I went along.

Now, your suckers have prepared slips of paper with topics on them, if you will,

please.

Thank you.

Now, at the beginning of each round, I will... pick a topic from the hat, and

you'll have 30 seconds to score.

I will be the sole judge of whether your insult hits the mark, and my decision

will be final.

Agreed? Agreed. Okay, now we'll toss a coin to see who starts first. No, no.

Benson chose the weapons Clayton should start.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's all right, kid. Okay.

All right, gentlemen, protect yourselves at all times, shake hands, and come out

fighting to your corners.

Yeah, about as romantic as a food fight.

First topic, intelligence.

Clayton. Come on, Clayton. Benson, if brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have

enough to blow your nose.

Clayton,

your brain is so small that you could put it in a Barbie doll's navel and

have room left over for three raisinets and a list of your important...

You want to stay away from the long insults. Hit him with a short, quick

is mine.

Second topic.

Clothing. Benson.

Keep wearing those suits, Clayton. They're bound to come back in style.

Benson's clothes are hand -me -downs from the Lee family.

Cheap Lee, crude Lee, and ugly.

dumb topic.

All right, way to go, Clinton.

It's a good thing you know where he got his clothes.

Third topic, noses.

Uh, Clayton, if you want to forego this topic, I can well understand. I know how

sensitive your nose is to you.

On the contrary, Benson, the Endicott family is quite proud of this nose.

Oh, really? The whole family?

What do you do? Pass it around or stand under it for shade? All right.

If it were my nose, I'd have it converted to a condominium.

Time's up. Round about, son.

That's not fair. He tricked me. Your Clayton didn't even know. You were told

protect yourself at all times. It's all right, Miss Clouse. It's all right, Miss

Clouse. You've got to watch yourself, Clayton. Yeah.

into that one.

Fourth topic, general appearance.

When I was a kid, our family had a dog. It looked just like Benson.

Oh, yeah?

Well, we couldn't afford a dog, but we had a rat. And guess what?

I don't look like a rat. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Yes, you do. No, I don't. I

don't.

Skin deep, but I bet even your bones are ugly.

You want to know how ugly you are? If you were a woman, Krauss would beat you

out for Miss America.

First warning.

All right, play ball.

Start your... Well, whatever you guys do, go ahead.

Okay, 15th and final topic.

Clayton, we don't have to go on with this. Let's call it off. Yeah, Clayton,

me throw in the towel.

No, I'm all right. I can finish. I'm all right.

It's a lot easier if you just put him away.

I'll say one thing, though. He can really take an insult.

Yeah, well, the guy's had a lot of practice.

Okay, final topic. Here we go.

Freestyle humiliation.

Humiliation, humiliation.

You know what? My Benson is like a boiled potato.

They're both without a skin.

What? What?

A peel.

Without a peel. That counts, doesn't it?

Finish him. Finish him.

Oh, I don't think I can look.

If they measured Clayton's IQ with a thermometer, he'd register 30 degrees

zero. Oh, yeah?

Heard of mean little kids that tear wings off flies?

When Clayton was little, he tore wings off robins.

Not true. Not true.

I stepped on a few caterpillars.

When Clayton was six years old, his mother dressed him as a fire hydrant and

left him on the street. But even the dogs ignored him.

No, no, no, no.

That was my father.

Clayton played football in high school.

He was a throwback.

I don't know much about his home life, but every Father's Day, Clayton leaves a

card at the kennel.

Clayton was voted most likely to marry for money. The other day, I caught him

going all the way with an instant teller.

Where

am

I? Where am I?

It's all right, kid. You put up a valiant fight, but you were no match for

Hello.

You won the jewel, Benson.

The inheritance is all yours.

It's for you, champ.

Long distance, Toronto.

Thank you, Crouch.

Hello? Yes, this is Benson Dubois.

Okay, well, I'll expect the letter later.

Goodbye.

So you got the inheritance?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, what's the matter?

I mean, you should be happy. You got the inheritance. You won the jewel.

Ah, well, I don't know, Governor. I keep thinking.

Yeah, sure, I'm champ now.

But for how long?

Sometime. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but sometime, somewhere, some

smart -mouthed punk kid is gonna come into town and try to take me down, huh?

I gotta spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

What kind of life is that? Well, I better hit the showers.

Thanks, kid.

Benson, I still can't get over the fact that you and Clayton are related.

Well, Krause, if you go back far enough, everybody's related.

What a lovely thought.

One huge family tree for the entire human race.

You know, Krause, I think you just wrote a Neil Diamond song.

So, Benson, how big was your inheritance?

Life size?

No, I mean how much?

About 5 ,000 pounds.

Oh, wow.

You mean like English money pounds?

No, Krauss. I inherited a statue of Prince Maurice Claude sitting astride a

horse.

So when do you get it?

I don't.

It's in a park outside Toronto. It was donated in my name, and if I ever work

Canada, I'll get a tax deduction.

So, in other words, you got zip.

Well, not exactly.

I now have the respect...

admiration and gratitude of thousands of Canadian pigeons.