Original subtitles

Clayton, it's been Irka, Irka, Irka all morning.

Stay away from Krause's donuts.

Irka, I -R -C -A stands for International Restaurant Critics

What do you think, Benson? Should we invite a bunch of restaurant critics to

mansion? I don't think Krause's cooking needs a second opinion.

Sir, these critics represent 3 ,500 periodicals and newspapers throughout

world. A few favorable mentions from them could mean millions of dollars to

state's tourism industry. I just don't like cozying up to a bunch of fancy

with their wine -tasting mystic fork.

Well,

I don't know, sir. Clayton makes a good argument.

Yeah, Benson, please.

Yeah, modest reception could be money well spent. Just stay out of this. Don't

listen to him, sir.

Clayton, he agreed with you.

Oh?

Oh. Yes, I just thought of how we could do it. Brilliant idea, Benson. Don't you

think so, sir? I don't know. I haven't heard it yet.

What we do is we invite the best restaurants in the state to prepare

favorite dishes, and the critics can judge them.

All right, if you guys think it's worthy. Clayton, go ahead and set up the

affair. Thank you, sir. Thank you, Benson.

I'll be bored to death.

They left this meal for you, Benson, Governor.

Clayton. Thanks.

This one's for you, Cross. It's from the state penitentiary. Oh.

Are you guys having a class reunion or something?

It is from Zeke, my pen pal in the pen.

Zeke? Yeah. We've been writing to each other for seven years.

You're corresponding with a felon?

What's he in for?

For seven years.

Pay attention, Clayton.

He seems to be a very nice man.

I'm sure he is, Miss Cross, and I think it's admirable that you care enough to

give another human being hope.

Well, you can't give up on people.

He's still a member of the human race. Holy mackerel, they're letting him out.

Oh, sure.

But he is coming here.

Ah, well, you can't let him come to the mansion.

He wants to meet me face to face.

What, is he crazy? Hasn't he been punished enough?

Miss Cross. Go ahead.

Bite the bow over.

As a precaution, I'll have him checked out.

I'll call Dr.

Witowski. She's an old friend of mine from the parole board.

Uh, sir, if you want my opinion... No, Clayton, I don't.

Uh, Miss Krause, I think you're... I don't want your opinion either.

Fine. That's the way you want to be. That's fine.

Maybe I want your opinion, Clayton. No, you don't, Benson. You're just looking

for an opening to make another smart remark, a joke at my expense.

Well, I'm on to you.

I'm not going to set you up anymore. I'm nobody's fool.

Don't worry.

Someday somebody will adopt you.

Benson.

So then he says, how about if I walk home from school with you?

And I said, no way, nerd, and walked away like I was kind of bummed out.

And he snuck up behind me and pushed my books out of my hand. Then he ran away.

What do you think?

I think you got him right where you want him. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Isn't he cute? He'd be a lot cuter if he could keep his shirt tucked in.

I have the same problem with Pete.

Denise. Oh, I hate Pete. Oh, Denise, I can't go through with it. I am so

about meeting Zeke.

Oh, Preston, calm down. Just remember, he's the same man from...

There's a gentle man, a sweet man. A man who's been behind bars for seven years.

This is not an extravagance. The restaurants are supplying the food. All

to supply is the room.

Clayton, we're not supplying a room with a 20 -piece orchestra.

Now, this occasion demands an orchestra. I feel very strongly about it.

Strongly enough to pay for it yourself?

Yeah, perhaps you're right.

Who wants to see a bunch of people dancing with their mouths full?

Could you two hold it down? Can't you see my nerves are shut?

Krause, it's more than your nerves.

Zeke will be here any minute, and I don't know what to say to him.

It's very simple, Miss Krause. Make him feel at home. Talk about license plates.

I am not in a clinic.

I do not approve of inviting dangerous criminals into the mansion.

Clayton, the governor spoke to Dr.

Witowski of the state parole board, and she had nothing but good things to say

about Zeke Webster. That's right. He was a model prisoner.

I think I heard the door.

Hi. I'm looking for Gretchen Krause.

I'm Gretchen Krause. How do you do?

This is Benson, Clayton, Denise and Katie and Gretchen and you.

Well, it has been nice meeting you. I have lots to do and I'm sure you have

to catch up on after having been in prison for seven years. I'll be with

think there's a misunderstanding here. I'm not Zeke Webster.

Then who are you, Buster?

I'm Jack Reynolds, Zeke's parole officer.

I drove him over.

He's waiting in the car.

Ah, excellent idea. We'll wave to him from the window.

Ignore him. Everyone else does.

Before I bring Zeke in, I just wanted to make sure that Miss Krause's job offer

still stands.

Job offer? As you know, Zeke's parole is conditional on his finding employment.

You offered him a job? This administration does not hire

With one exception.

You offered him a job?

Well, I, uh, I... Did I?

Oh, Zeke gave me this letter from you.

Let's see. Here it is.

When you are paroled, you can come see me about a job.

Sounds like a job offer to me.

Well, um, I am a little short -handed in maintenance.

Well, you're not seriously considering this.

Clayton, the man's a human being who stands a much better chance of fitting

society if we give him the help he needs.

Yeah, Benson's right.

Okay. He's got a job here.

Wonderful. I'll send him in.

Benson, Miss Krause, I respect your ideals, but this is no place to practice

them. There's no point in having ideals if you don't practice them. I think

you're doing the right thing. After all, he's paid his debt in society.

I think it's ridiculous.

I think it's neat.

Thank you all. I feel much better now. I think everything is going to turn out

just fine.

Hi.

I'm Zeke.

I'm telling you guys, the way Fatso's makes a cheeseburger, it's a work of

I am not feeding the critic from Le Monde du Gourmet a cheeseburger.

Fatso's should be on the list. It's one of the top ten in the state. I am not

putting Fatso's on the list.

Clayton, you said this was going to be a short meeting. We've been talking about

this for two hours.

Sir, we must narrow down hundreds of restaurants to the top ten.

How many do you have on your list now, Bunton?

Forty -three.

Forty -four if you're going to include this Fatso's.

We are not going to include this Fatso's. No fat soles.

Excuse me, Benson.

Zeke is here to fix that leaky faucet. Send him in.

Thanks, Pete.

Hey, Zeke, how's it going? Real good, Benson, real good.

Hey, Pete. How you doing, pal?

Afternoon, Governor.

Hi, Zeke.

Mr. Indicott.

All right, let's get on with this, shall we? We're all agreed on Antoine's,

correct? I'll just be a few minutes. Okay.

Uh, Governor, why don't we have Pete call Dwight, what's his name, who writes

the food column for the sunny paper, have him pick the ten best.

Dwight Hollinger writes one unimportant column for a dinky little paper.

Well, gee, I remember when they printed your dinky little picture. You called it

an outstanding periodical.

You just put all the names in a hat and picked ten.

That may be the silliest idea to ever come out of this administration.

All right, that's it.

Who's the governor around here, huh?

Me. So I'm deciding.

Pete, have Dwight What's -His -Name pick the top ten.

Clayton, finish arranging this thing without wasting any more of my time. I

don't want to hear another word about...

fancy restaurants or fancy foods or fancy table settings.

In fact, I don't even want to hear you speaking French.

Because if you do, I'm going to put this whole thing down the porcelain fixture.

Got it?

Yes, sir.

I'm going upstairs to take a nap.

You think that's a silly idea, Clayton?

No, sir.

Oh, he's really ticked. It's amazing, Clayton. You put your whole leg in your

mouth.

I broke your faucet. It was stuck, so I gave it a good yank.

You needed a new one anyway, man. I'll be right back. All righty.

Here goes another silly idea.

Turn this mansion into a halfway house.

Can't even dare leave fair change in my desk anymore.

Excuse me.

Don't pay any attention to him, Zeke.

That's okay, Benson. I'm used to it.

Those waffles were wunderschön. I beg your pardon?

Oh, they were great. Thank you for making my breakfast. Oh, it was nothing.

Really excellent. You did a fine job.

You know, Zeke, Bob Langstrom's going on vacation next week, and we'll short a

man on the bowling team. Would you be interested?

Oh, not really.

have lots of fun. Last week, some of the guys got crazy and glued my boyfriend's

toupee to his bowling ball.

I tried not to laugh, but it was a hoot.

See, I don't know anything about bowling.

I'd be out of place.

Yeah, well, it was just a thought.

You know, I'd better get to work.

I'll see you later, Gretchen.

Hi, Zeke. Hey.

Who's the man who was Zeke?

Oh, I don't know, Benson. He's so depressed. I think he thinks he doesn't

in. Well, I guess it hasn't been easy on him.

Good morning.

As a matter of fact, I know it hasn't been easy on him. Are you Miss Krause?

Excuse me, Miss Krause. May I speak to you for a minute? Oh, sure.

Zeke's been fine. Gets here early every day. Three weeks, perfect attendance.

Uh, Mr. Reynolds has a little problem with Zeke's parole.

Oh, no.

Is there anything we can help with?

Well, as I was telling Mr.

Endicott, Zeke is living in this hotel, and some of the residents are known

felons, which is a violation of Zeke's parole.

I know it's going to take him a couple of days to find a new place, but

tonight, he needs somewhere to stay.

Yeah, that is a problem.

I have an idea.

What? Well, until Zeke finds a place to live, he can stay with you, Benson.

With me?

Sure, Benson. Your condo's got two bedrooms.

Look, Krauss. After all, it was you who said the man stands a lot better chance

of fitting into society if we give him the help he needs.

Yeah, but... And you said what's the point of having ideals unless we

them. All right, all right, all right. Zeke can stay with me. Thanks, Benson.

But only until he finds a place of his own.

I'll go tell him.

Oh, thank you, Benson. That's wonderful.

Well, Benson, now you and Zeke can be real buddies.

Hey, Benson. You're home early, man.

Hey, Zeke. So are you. It's Wednesday, my half day off.

What are you doing with my shirts?

Well, I was washing some of my things, so I figured I may as well wash some of

yours. Oh, Zeke, you gotta stop doing all these things for me, man.

The other day you washed and waxed my car. Last night I'm trying to watch

vacuum the whole house, and now you're doing my shirts. All this doing for me

makes me nervous.

Sit down.

Why? Because I cooked a pot roast and some vegetables for dinner.

For goodness sake, Zeke.

And I'm going to have to do some grocery shopping tomorrow, man. I ain't got

nothing left in here to cook.

Oh, Zeke, you don't have to keep cooking and scrubbing and mopping and waxing

and cleaning. No, man, I know.

I just want you to like me.

Well, why wouldn't I like you, man?

Because I'm a criminal.

You're not a criminal. You did something. You went to jail, you did

and now you're out. I'm an ex -con. That's going to be with me for the rest

my life.

Zeke, you can't think of yourself as just an ex -con.

That's the way everybody else thinks of me.

That's their problem. You can't live your life by what other people think.

come on, Benson. Even Gretchen acts a little different when I'm around.

What's the matter? You don't like broccoli?

Oh, yeah.

Zeke, did you ever stop to think that maybe people treat you like an ex -con

because that's how you think of yourself?

That's a good point.

I'll think about it, man.

Okay. Just forget the ex -con.

Man, this meat is boss.

Where'd you learn to cook like this?

Prison.

Prison? Yeah.

Must have been a four -star prison.

Here, man, have some potatoes. Okay.

Whoa, Ben. Whoa.

Why do you cook so much? There's only two of us.

I'm used to cooking for 1 ,800 men.

Well, I guess this means we'll be having a lot of leftovers, huh?

What was that, Kraus?

It was a toaster.

Terrorists got it, huh?

No, I took it apart.

Same thing.

Uh, Miss Kraus, the reception is tomorrow. We have to decide on the

arrangements. Have you ordered the fresh flowers?

You got something for me to fix, Gretchen?

Do you mind not speaking until I'm finished here?

I don't have that much time, Mr. Endicott.

Well, I heard that.

I would imagine time is something you know quite a bit about.

Yeah, how's that?

Having done so much of it. Yeah, well, better to do it than to waste it.

No one to miss this for the world.

Clayton, I asked Zeke to come and fix my toaster.

Krauss, I'm not talking to you.

Hey, man, I think you better apologize to her.

Zeke. Zeke.

Zeke. Put him down, babe. He shouldn't talk to Gretchen that way. Yeah, I know,

I know, I know.

But put him down, okay?

I warned you about that criminal.

He's not a criminal!

You take that back!

Kraus, put the man down, would you?

I am going to go and talk to Zeke. And you stay out of my sight.

Why is everybody defending him?

He's the one that was in prison.

People like you won't let him forget it. You can't get past the label.

Benson, any reasonable man would look at that person and know that he's a

criminal type.

I'll bet you I could prove you wrong.

You've got to bet.

A hundred dollars says you can't convince anyone that Zeke Webster is

more than a lowlife.

Okay, but let's forget the hundred dollars. Let's make it really

The loser has to take Pete to lunch for a month.

And pick up the tab.

And he can't tell Pete why.

You're wrong.

Benson, you just made a sucker bet.

Yes, I did. And you walked right into it.

Sure it's going pretty good, huh?

I've been so bored in all my life.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I can't tell if the critics are enjoying themselves. They never smile.

Sir, I'd like you to be the president of IRCA, Mr. Arnault. How

do you do, Mr. Arnault?

I'm sorry, I don't speak French.

That is quite all right. I speak excellent English.

Congratulations.

Are you enjoying the food?

Not particularly, governor.

However, don't be disappointed. It is very nice, very pleasant, very ordinary.

But we do appreciate your hospitality.

Oh, thank you so much.

You'll excuse us, governor, monsieur, I know.

We bailed them out of two world wars.

Yeah, and California makes better wine.

And Italians are better lovers.

What Italian?

No particular Italian, all Italians.

That's what I heard.

This is a disaster. They don't like anything. They're going to ruin us in 3

periodicals and newspapers throughout the world.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Critics' Association, may I have your attention,

please? Oh, no. What is Benson doing?

I don't know, but I'm glad he's here now. Maybe things will liven up.

As you know, this evening, Mr. Clayton Endicott III has presented some of the

finest food in our state.

Sure, blame it on me.

But now, after years of solitary confinement practice, a new chef is

to burst upon the international scene. What is he talking about?

Yes, this is a private man, a man whose cuisine has been tasted only by a select

group of 1 ,800 inmates. Men. People.

Rarely seen outside in public.

What? May I present for your consideration... The gastronomical

Ezekiel Webster.

You'll be the laughing stock of the entire eating world.

Now, as I understand it, Mr. Webster has prepared for your delight a zesty blend

of haricots rouges de viande hachée dans une mixture de sauce tomate

de bière.

I call it chili.

What the hell are you doing? Just go along, Krause.

Our beautiful Mademoiselle Gretchen Krause, head of household affairs, was

reminding me that it was she who discovered the esteemed Mr. Webster.

Monsieur Dubois. Ah, Dubois.

Oui, oui, oui, oui.

In what category does this Webster perform his art?

In what?

Category? Well, I'm sure you are familiar with the category Nouvelle

Primitive.

Nouvelle Primitive.

Oui, monsieur?

Of course I am aware of it. It was I that coined the phrase.

Is that right?

Well, then let me leave you in Chef Webster's hands.

Here you go, monsieur.

Yes, sir.

Don't forget to bring the spoon back.

Vincent, what are you doing?

I'm winning a bet.

These people think they're meeting a great chef.

You'll never get away with it.

Well, Primitif, whatever you call this, this is the best cotton -picking chili I

ever had.

You know, we could have had a cookout.

Roasted marshmallows, sung songs.

Oh, well, 20 -20 hindsight.

Absolument magnifique.

But, Monsieur Dubois, you are not fooling me with this man.

I knew it, I knew it. The story of solitary practice.

It is a lie.

This is no simple cook. This man has studied with the greatest chef of

The subtlety of his sauce is without parallel.

Please, please, everything.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just enjoyed the creation...

Of a master.

Well, Clayton, anything to say?

Yes. These critics are a bunch of tasteless, dim -witted toadies.

No, I meant about you.

Well, you made your point, Benson. Perhaps I was a little narrow -minded.

You aren't forgetting the bet, are you? No, I'm not forgetting the bet.

Well?

Peter.

What? Are you free for lunch tomorrow?

What?

I'm buying.

What?

Tell me the history, Onyx. Can you make it?

What do I look like, a jerk?

Of course I can make it.

Good. Come on, buddy. Let's go get some chili.

Denise?

Vincent, I want to thank you, man.

No, I mean it. You really showed me something.

Now it's not going to be so scary on the outside.

Gretchen? Benson, I owe both of you so much.

I'd better get back to my chili.

Oh, you know, Benson, it's moments like this when I say to myself, Gretchen, you

really are something else.

Maybe one of these days science will discover what?

Oh, tie it in a knot, Benson.

Thank you.

You better get some chili before they run out.

It's all right, sir. We got enough for 1 ,800 men in the kitchen.

You know that ex -convict we hired?

Yeah. Chef could be his twin brother.

Hey, guys, how was lunch?

Oh, it was terrific.

Clayton took me to Smitty's, where he ate two steak and lobster combinations.

Yeah, tomorrow he's going to buy me lunch again.

That's 24 days in a row.

Is that right?

Well, you two guys are becoming very close.

Yeah. Hey, Clayton, tomorrow let's try Antoine's. I want to see what a $32

hamburger tastes like.

Edison, I got a letter from Zeke.

Oh, yeah? How is he? Oh, he's just fine.

He loves his job, and he loves the restaurant business.

I knew it would work out.

One thing, though, he's not too fond of Paris.

Well, he could have taken the job he was offered in Tokyo, Brussels, or Rome.

What I don't understand is why he turned down that job offer in Washington, D

.C. Oh, that's part of his parole.

He's not allowed to associate with known felons.