Original subtitles

Benson, you numbskull. You made me push a wrong button.

Oh, really?

How soon were you self -distracted?

I was just about to multiply.

Good. Then I got here in the nick of time.

Benson, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to spend the

looking at condominiums. So did I, Denise, but my car broke down.

But I got to see one place.

They called it a subterranean uni space.

What's that?

A basement.

Face it, Benson, you'll never buy a condo. You've looked at dozens of places

none of them pleases you. You're being picky.

Krauss, wanting to live above ground is not being picky.

Hi, everybody. Guess what?

Oh.

You made the baseball team.

Oh, Benson, you spoiled the surprise.

Congratulations.

March and I are the only two girls who made the team.

Oh, really? What position do you play?

Substitute. But that uniform makes you look very smart.

It certainly does, sweetheart. Krauss, get one immediately.

I can't wait for Daddy.

He'll be so jealous. He never made the baseball team.

See you guys later. Bye.

I'm sorry you didn't get to see that place over on Hoover Street. I have a

feeling it's just what you're looking for. Well, maybe I'll get over there on

the weekend.

I try to get over there right away before they sell out.

Oh, well, come on, Benson. My car's right outside.

I'll run you over.

Well, that should certainly solve my housing problem.

In here we have the 14 -cycle dishwasher.

How about that, huh? 14 cycles. Eight -level food processor. Of course, you

your air purifier.

Oh, and this refrigerator, this baby makes its own ice cubes. That self

-cleaning oven.

And the whole thing is run by this master control panel right there.

Hot damn, Benson. What more could you ask for?

An engineer.

Oh, excuse me for just a second, please.

No, go right ahead. We want to take another look around. Great, fine.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Mr. Collins.

Yes, I called your loan officer yesterday about a three -month loan

business.

There isn't any.

No, no, listen. I'm sure I can unload these condos. In fact, I could knock off

30 % and still make a profit, if you know what I'm saying.

In fact, I'm about to close a deal right now.

You said yourself it's the best place you've seen so far.

Just keep the voice down.

I love it. It's perfect.

So snap it up. You better snap it shut.

I've seen a lot of condos, and this one is way overpriced. Oh, come on, Benson.

Loosen up with the bucks. You can't take it with you.

I'm going to take it as far as I'm going.

Thank you, Mr. Collins. Thank you. You are a lifesaver. Thank you. Bye -bye.

Well, what do you think?

He loves it, and the price is right. So, let's talk turkey.

It's already a turkey talking.

I'll tell it like it is, Benson. I don't play games. You stop playing, let's

make a deal with my money.

You've made a wise decision, Benson. You see, buying today assures you of a

choice location.

Well, that's very nice of you, Mr. Brunt, letting me have my choice of any

of 22 empty units.

Well, well, they're not really empty there.

Unoccupied.

I mean, because the people who are buying them are still... In high school?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Walter.

Now, I've written a number on the back of this business card, and it's the

I'm going to pay for the condo.

You take a look at it and tell me what you think.

Okay.

Ah! Is that a yes or a no?

Benson, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Well, sorry we couldn't do business, Walter. Come on, Krause.

Wait a minute. I'll tell you what. I'll, uh... Hey, I'll take $5 ,000 off the

price, okay? But that's my limit. Well, I should think so.

That's it, Benson. Take it or leave it. Are you splitting the commission with

her? No, but at your price, I'll be losing money.

Then don't sell it to me. That's right. Don't sell it to him. That'll teach him.

Will you butt out? I can lose money if I want to.

Walter, we got a deal or not?

Is that your best offer? Bottom line.

Congratulations, Benson. You just bought yourself a condo.

We're going to be late for our luncheon at the Women's League. I don't know why

you insisted on stopping here now.

Well, because you said you wanted to see my new condo. That was last week, and I

was merely being polite.

Well, Clayton, I just got the keys this morning. I would like to see what I

bought. You mean you're going to be seeing the place for the first time?

Not really. I saw the model, and my unit is exactly like the model.

Now, Benson, no wonder you got such a great deal.

You've purchased a condo and a kit.

Maybe won't you get some drapes on the windows?

This work was supposed to be finished yesterday.

We're supposed to be at the luncheon today.

Well, I'm not moving in until next week.

They're probably a little behind schedule.

So are we.

Benson, you should really make a list of all the things that need to get done.

That's a good idea, Pete.

Oh, thank you, Peter.

Number one, Carl Walter. Now, Benson, must you do this now? Peter, the

refrigerator's not even plugged in.

Force of habit.

Where's the job?

Upstairs. Benson. Oh, yes. Counter is covered with yuck. Thank you, Clayton.

Clean up. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Water pressure is non -existent.

Now, here it comes.

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Will you stop fooling around?

Fooling around?

You had to stop off here on the way to the lunch and you couldn't wait to get

into this booby trap?

Well, if you think I'm going to miss that lunch and you're sadly mistaken,

going out in the sun to dry up.

What a pressure.

Where'd you come from?

The patio. That door doesn't stay closed either.

Patio? Yeah, isn't that a crime, the way they plop these joints together?

You the new owner?

Yeah, who are you?

Your neighbor, Frank Cooper.

Benson Dubois.

Dubois, huh?

I went to school with a guy named Dubois.

He's dead now.

Well, Frank Cooper, it's nice of you to stop by and say hello.

I live there.

Where, on my patio?

No, beyond your patio, Benson. One of those older units.

You married, Benson?

No.

My wife talked me into buying it. Then six months later, we're having

and she says to me, Frank, is this all there is?

And I said, yes.

And I haven't seen her since.

I thought she was talking about the toast.

Very sad story.

Pete, it's time to go.

Yeah, I'll be waiting.

No, it's just a guy, fellow I work with. We came by here, you know.

Hey, Benson, listen.

It's none of my business.

It's just that when I report back to the neighbors, I'd like to be factually

accurate.

Put down plumbing.

Thank you.

Plumbing.

Well, I gotta get going.

Really? So soon?

Yeah, well, I just came home for lunch.

You know, I gotta get back to work. Hey, listen, I got a print shop.

I do fine printing and fancy engraving.

Catch the slogan.

We print everything except $20 bills.

That kills me.

Pete!

Hey, Vincent!

The bathroom door is stuck!

Get me out of here! All right, I'll be right up. Ah, well, Frank, it's very

of you to stop by.

You're gonna need a bigger notebook.

I left your newspapers in the kitchen. Thank you, Gretchen. Oh, how was your

date last night? Did Arnold take you for a ride in his new convertible?

Oh, yeah, it was terrible.

Why? What happened?

Well, we put the top down and went for a spin in the park and somewhere between

the golf course and the zoo, his toupee blew off.

Oh, that is terrible.

Did you find it? No.

Oh, what a shame.

Was it insured?

Only for fire.

Please? Yes?

Get Walter Bunt on the phone.

Yes, sir.

Wow, he's in a good mood. Oh, he moved into that condo two weeks ago and

everything still isn't fixed. It's been one excuse after another.

What?

Benson, you can't let people push you around this way. Krauss, nobody's

me around.

Walter Bunce on line one.

Give me a sec.

Hello, you little worm.

We are sick and tired of your stupid excuses.

Forget fixing the condo. We will see you in court.

Thank you, Gretchen. Denise.

I'm dialing. If you want to get things done, that's the way you have to talk to

people.

Thank you.

Walter, your men didn't show up again this morning.

That is not my problem.

Now, I want your men over there, and I want the work finished before I get

Understand?

Okay, you'll send a crew right out?

Right now?

Okay, that's all I ask.

Okay, you promise?

You're not lying.

Okay, bye.

He's lying.

Listen, we've got a little problem here. I think you might be able to help.

Tomorrow's our first game and we're going to blow it.

Uh -uh, uh -uh. Small wonder with an attitude like that. You need the

approach. Remember the little engine that could.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Isn't that a little simplistic, Clayton? You're not allowing for fate or outside

forces.

See, the point is, Katie's little league coach is sick.

If we show up without a coach, we forfeit the game.

Gee, a forfeit's better than getting beat. More dignity.

Well, I would be happy to do it, but I have to hang around the office and wait

for a call from the president.

Darn it.

How about you, Benson? No, sir, the president hasn't called me in weeks.

He means Kenny Coach.

No, I'm sorry, Katie. I'm really going to be tired of getting this mess

straightened out at my condo.

I understand, Benson.

Well, good luck, kiddo.

Good night, everyone.

Good night, Benson.

Daddy, we have to find a coach.

Well, uh, Katie, I, uh... How about you, Pete?

Can you be our coach?

Uh, no way, Katie. I'm sorry. Baseball has bad memories for me.

Pete, I consider this a personal favor.

Sir, I'm serious.

Even the sight of a baseball makes me break out in hives. Oh, come on. I'm

you're exaggerating. No.

When I was a kid, my friends had a team, but they didn't think I was good

enough. So to keep me from playing, they talked my mama into sending me to

accordion lessons.

Accordion? Gross me out.

Yeah, me too.

The first song I had to learn was Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

Sorry, Katie, we tried.

Uh, Governor?

Yes, Clayton?

Well, sir, since you're looking for a coach and my weekend is relatively free,

thought I'd...

volunteer my services to coach Katie's little team.

Oh, there is a thought.

Of course, Katie will have to make the decision.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, what do you say, slugger?

Well, I guess it beats a forfeit.

Ah, good. I think I'll get down to the sporting goods store, get myself

outfitted, buy myself a rule book, peruse it, look for loophole.

I guess Clayton will be a better coach than Jerry Zuckerman's mom.

Oh, hi.

Miss Zuckerman yelled that I have to forget our uniforms dirty.

I can't believe it!

I can't believe it! No one's even been in here!

Hey, Bastian, you're home.

With one exception.

Wipe another shirt.

I can see that. Frank, what were you doing upstairs?

Fixing your bathroom lights. Frank, if I've told you once, I've told you a

hundred times, I don't want you to fix my bathroom lights. Good, because I

couldn't.

Did you get this much trouble out of him when you bought your condo? Sure I did.

Benson, everyone who lives here has had the same problem.

You're never going to get any satisfaction.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to get satisfaction or I'm going to take Walter to court.

What, make some lawyerage?

You got any better ideas? You could kill him.

No, you can't even get him on the phone.

Benson, why don't you just fix the place yourself? Walter's never going to make

it look like the model.

The model?

Hey, that's it. I'm going to make a call.

Hey, call. That reminds me.

I'm at a telephone booth one night, making a call to my cousin at Long

California. And I dial the wrong number. And my wife answers the phone.

Oh, she denies it, but I know it's her.

Hey, uh, Denise.

Yeah. Is the governor free?

Okay, I'll hold.

She picks up the phone and she says, hello.

And I said, Irma, is that you?

And she says, no.

I said, Irma, we're married 29 years. I know it's you. That's your voice.

And she says, you still can't take no for an answer, can you, Frank?

And then she hangs up.

Yeah, but at least I'm still holding.

Okay, I'll wait.

27 bucks I pour back into that phone trying to get that wrong number.

Never did get it right.

I'll tell you this much. From time to time, I'm going to be calling that woman

to... Frank, Frank, Frank.

Can you hold off act three for a minute? What are you doing tomorrow?

Why? I'm going to need some help. I'm busy.

But listen, maybe my friend is free. Harry.

Who is Harry?

Oh, Harry Hamilton.

He's a very dear friend of mine who lives next to the Rizzo's. You want me

call him for you? Yeah, give him a call. You got it. Hello, Governor.

What's your schedule like tomorrow?

Good. I'm going to have open house.

Well, this is it.

Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it, dear? It sure is.

Mr. and Mrs. Francis, look to your heart's content, but don't take too

There's only six units left.

Well,

good morning.

Morning. Walter, my man, what it is?

Give me three.

Did you put on the coffee?

No. Well, never mind.

I'll do it myself.

Excuse me, folks. Wait just one minute.

What are you doing here? What does it look like I'm doing, Walter?

Making some coffee.

But why are you doing it here?

Because my electricity isn't turned on yet.

Excuse me.

Perhaps we should come back another time.

Oh, no, no, no. There's just been a little misunderstanding.

You see, he doesn't really live here.

I tell you what, why don't you take a look around upstairs?

Watch yourself in the bathroom.

There's water everywhere.

You know, this is really intolerable. Will you please get out? Are you talking

to me? Of course I'm talking to you. Then why are they leaving?

Folks, wait a minute, wait a minute. I'll have this all figured out in just

minute. Thanks anyway.

Now do you see what you have done?

Oh, don't sweat it, Walter. Life is full of disappointments. No lights, noisy

plumbing, neighbors dropping by.

Morning, Vincent.

Good morning, Harry. How do you want your eggs? Soft -boiled.

Wait, you can't have breakfast here.

I'll get it.

Oh, no, you won't. I'll get it. I don't want my customers frightened by some

weirdo in a silly -looking bathrobe.

Ah, hey!

We're looking for Benson. Come on in, Pete!

Hey, Richard!

We came on Pete's hog!

Go over there, prop your feet up. Breakfast will be ready any minute. All

You can't be serious.

Well, half hour at most.

Get the door, Walter.

Good morning.

Walter, good to see you. again.

Governor!

Sir! Governor!

Attention,

please, folks. I'm sorry.

Everybody, Governor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.

Walter, Walter, don't rush the people. They haven't eaten yet.

Good morning, everybody. I'm Harry Hamilton.

Gretchen Krause. Gene Gutland. Mr.

and Mrs. Kirkwood.

This is not his new home. It is until you get mine fixed up.

How do you want your eggs, Governor?

All poached, if you don't mind. And you, Denise?

Over here.

You, Pete?

Hot tub of deuce for three minutes, rasher of bacon, side of fries, English

choice with oleo.

Benson, I have had enough.

No eggs for Walter.

I have appointments here. People are coming to see this place. Now put these

back. Sure, Walter.

Walter, would you set the table? I'll get it.

I'll get it. Yes, I am busy.

And would you get your feet off the table, please?

And you can move it. Walter, I'm surprised at you. That's no way to talk

prospective buyers.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were... Walter, get in the door. Yeah, right.

Excuse me.

We won! We won!

Clayton's a great coach. He talked the umpire out of everything.

The victor has said, did you have an appointment?

Why do you want your eggs cobbled? Yeah, why else?

I'm really sorry about all this. Oh, no, no. Don't touch that. That's for me.

Get away from that.

Hello.

Yes.

It's for you. Someone named Jennifer.

Hi, babe.

Your brother in the six, kid? Sure you can bring him with you.

Find out how they want their eggs. I'll see you later, bubba.

This is a private number. Not anymore.

Where are those people?

Look, I'm sorry. There's been a little mistake.

Oh, it really doesn't matter. We love the place.

Yes, we've decided to buy. I have the check for the down payment right here.

Wonderful. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Mr.

DuBois! Mistake? Yes, I bought one of Walter's condos. Did you buy this one?

No, despite appearances, mine is down the street. I'm just waiting until they

fix it. Fix it?

Well, actually, they never finished building it, did they, Walter?

There are a few things that are unfinished, but... By a few things, he

means that some of the lights aren't up, the oven doesn't work, and the doors

aren't all hung, but outside of that, it's just perfect!

Come on,

sweetheart.

Excuse me. Well, let's say goodbye to the Kirkwoods.

Well,

isn't that something? We lost couple number two. Would you like to try for

couple number three?

Why are you doing this to me, Dubois?

You know that your place will be fixed eventually.

I mean, you act as if you've been singled out.

There's nothing personal here.

Oh, I know that, Walter. There's nothing personal about anything you do.

Certainly not the way you build houses. And you don't give a damn about the

people who have to live in them. And you don't even have the decency to give a

person what he paid for. Yes.

All right, all right. I'll have the workmen over there first thing Monday.

no, no, no, no.

Right now.

Right now?

This is Saturday. They get double time on Saturday.

What are we having for dinner, people?

over there right now. Give me your key. You don't need my key. Go through the

patio door. Everybody else does.

Governor.

Goodbye, Walter.

Goodbye.

I hope everybody's hungry. We're going to have scrambled

eggs.

You really ought to keep that door locked.

Any deadbeat could just walk right in here.

So I see.

You sleepy?

No, I'm making a pudding.

Finished with the sports section? No, Frank, no.

Funny, neither are the Rizzos.

Don't worry.

Go back to sleep.

I won't bother you.

Here, take the sports section.

Take the travel section. Take the whole paper. Just get out.

Yeah.

I read the funnies over at the Rizzo's.