Original subtitles

Thank you.

You know, Kraut, that exosickle has done wonders for your hips.

You are asking for a fat lip, Benson.

Watch it, Benson.

Don't worry, sir. I can take her.

I meant these biscuits. They're hot.

How do they look, huh? Cross, get over here and help this man.

I can't. I was told to butt out.

Yes, Cross, I didn't tell you to butt out. Oh, yes, you did. I simply said I

wanted to cook a real lumber mill breakfast by myself.

He calls that cooking.

Oh, butt out.

It is foolish to argue.

Besides, the more you cook, the better I look.

Benson, you think I offended Miss Cross?

No, sir, but don't get discouraged. If at first you don't succeed, try, try

again.

One biscuit?

No, sir, no, no, no, no. I'm not hungry.

Okay. Benson, I am sending you to the tropics for three days.

All right, all right. One biscuit.

I mean, I want you to make the presentation at the Pan -American Trade

Conference. Wait a minute. I thought you and Pete were going. I can't go,

Benson. The vice president's flying into town.

Morning, everyone.

Hi, Annie.

What's that smell?

I made my famous bunkhouse biscuits.

Doesn't that bring back memories?

Yeah, but we had a dog then.

Come and see.

Oh, I can't today, Daddy. It's my turn to feed the class turtle.

Sir, can't Pete handle this by himself?

Oh, come on, Benson. Pete can't feed the turtle. He's got things to do.

Daddy? Uh -huh? Did you make my lunch, too?

No, sweetheart, I didn't. Thanks. Have a good day.

I mean, can't Pete handle a conference by himself? I've got a date with

Jennifer. Benson, I know this is short notice, but you're the only one who

understands the presentation.

Glad you'll have a good time.

Sure. A good time with Pete is half as nice as a bad time with Jennifer.

Johnson, I don't want to make this an order. I appreciate that.

But I will if I have to.

I'll send you a postcard.

All settled.

You'll be flying out tomorrow.

Three days on an island with Pete.

I don't believe it. Sir Governor left me a big mess.

Well, it's only fair.

That's how he found you.

I can see.

Humidity.

I wonder if they get many tourists down on this island.

Are you kidding?

The only reason they built an airport on this island is so the mosquitoes could

land.

I thought the brochure said that this place cooled down at night.

It must have cooled down.

One of the chickens in the courtyard just moved.

I'll get it. It's probably Juanita.

Juanita? You met a girl already?

and away from the airport.

She was our cab driver.

Pete, you can't pick up a girl in English. How'd you do in Spanish?

Use the international language, Benson. Love?

No, I gave her cash.

Where did you see her, Benson? She's a knockout.

One meter?

Talk about an undeveloped country.

Excuse me, Governor Gottlieb?

No, but this is a suite.

Perhaps I can help you.

Just exactly what did you say to one of them?

Benson,

Benson. What?

Are you tied up?

Yeah, I'm being kidnapped.

Call me later in the week.

Your muscles are killing me.

I thought they'd never let us off those burrows.

You mean you got to ride a burrow?

Yeah, maybe they'll let you ride back.

Yeah, if there is a ride back.

You mean you think they're going to shoot us?

Is that why we're blindfolded? Either that or they want us to pin the tail on

your donkey.

Bravo, projectors.

Bien hecho. Remove the blindfolds.

Well, well.

This is it. They're going to shoot us now.

Let them proceed at their own pace.

Senores, please.

You have nothing to worry about.

Yet.

After all, you are the governor of the United States, Mr. Gatling. You, sir,

will not be shot.

He's not Governor Gatling.

Oh, he's not?

I sure hope they don't put us in the same coffin.

Since you are not governor, perhaps... Perhaps I might as well have you killed.

Miguel!

Someday I might be governor.

I'm a very ambitious guy.

Still, you are not Americanos.

Tell me, do you think perhaps your country would make a deal to save your

What kind of deal are you talking about? We want weapons.

Who exactly is we? We is the People's Revolutionary Army of the Democratic

Republic. And I, senor, I am... the Supreme Commander Generalissimo Ernesto

Juan Fernando de Vega de Garcia.

This guy probably needs a burrow just for his business cards.

We have a small army now.

But with the right weapons, I know that our revolution will succeed.

How small an army? Including myself?

Yes, six.

Weapons for six. I don't think that's out of line.

You could probably get your choice of rifles.

Not rifles.

Phantom jets.

Six phantom jets?

One for each of my soldiers.

Don't be greedy. They see two.

Oh, Denise, did you get hold of Benson yet?

Isn't that amazing?

Not really. It's a big hotel.

No, I meant the fact that Benson's halfway around the world and we can just

up the phone and talk to him. If they could find him.

I suppose they'd do that with satellite.

Really? I just thought they'd leave a message in his box.

Sir, have you talked to Benson yet? No, but we have the technology.

Well, sir, he was supposed to call after lunch. That's it. He's out to lunch. In

the dark?

In the dark?

Clayton, we're in different time zones.

Yes, sir, that's always been my contention.

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it, Benson.

Hello? Oh, yes, one moment, please.

Governor, it's the State Department.

State Department?

Yes.

What? Are you sure?

Benson and Pete have been kidnapped. They're being held hostage.

we're gonna be okay.

I mean, they got a few crazy ideas, but basically, they seem like nice people.

Nice people with flamethrowers.

Oh, Vincent, come on. They untied us. They're letting us walk around free.

Yeah, we got to run in the jungle.

Along with every other animal, vegetable, and mineral I've ever had a

about.

Why do you insist on taking such a pessimistic attitude?

Because rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

Come on. The State Department will get us out of here.

Pete, you know what the President said about hostages.

No deals.

Well, he also said he doesn't dye his hair.

Trust me, Pete. We're in big trouble.

Well, anybody can point out the problem.

Do you have a solution?

I think we ought to run for it.

That's your solution?

Suicide?

But, Pete, at least if we get in the jungle, we can hide. That way we'll have

time to figure something out, man.

You're right.

What do we do about the guards?

I don't know.

I'm making this up as I go along.

I've got a better idea.

Did you ever see the greatest ape?

Pete, we don't have time to build a tunnel.

Right.

Besides, where would we hide the dirt?

Why can't life be like the movies?

That's it.

Miguel, what are you doing?

Just following my lead.

Miguel, would you come over here a minute, please?

You got an idea?

Of course I got an idea. You don't think I like this guy's company, do you?

Hey, Miguel.

Que pasa, buddy?

Uh, Miguel, do you like to play games?

Que?

El game -o.

Uh, play.

You know, good time. Bueno tempo.

Juanita.

No, no, no.

No, no Juanita.

No Juanita.

Patty cake.

All right, yeah, patty cake.

Sylvester Stallone, Rocky III.

You got to be sure we keep heading south.

This all looks familiar.

Were we here a couple of hours ago?

You trust me, Benson.

My feet are killing me.

Let's stop for a while.

Generalissimo and his men will be killing you if you don't keep moving.

There's no way they could track us.

I used every trick I learned during jungle training to throw them off.

Anybody who served during Vietnam knows that stuff.

Okay, okay.

I'll get you some rest, too.

Boy.

How long were you over there?

Where? Vietnam.

I wasn't. I was stationed in Rhode Island.

Did you learn jungle warfare in Rhode Island?

No. Would you talk Kansas?

Then I was shipped to Rhode Island.

We are dead men.

John Benson, a jungle's a jungle.

What was that?

A cliché.

Oh, no, no, I heard something growling out there.

Eh, probably a mosquito.

I think something moved out there.

Pete, this is the jungle.

Everything moves out there.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Well, we better get some sleep, huh?

Besides, there's nothing to be afraid of.

The only thing to fear is the unknown, and we know what's out there.

Ticks, leeches, spiders, snakes, crocodiles.

Is that your idea of a bedtime story?

Bucky. How'd they find us?

It wasn't hard.

We must have walked in a circle. You walked in a circle. I followed in a

Well, don't you keep the two of you from doing anything else to hurt yourself.

I've got to tell you, Benson, I'm greatly disappointed with your attempted

escape. Yeah, well, it wasn't all we hoped for either.

Listen, your lives may be spared if your government meets my demands by sunset

today.

I see.

If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.

I have a revolution to run.

Pete,

let's make a run for it.

Mr. Secretary, I'm aware of the delicate political situation. That's all

anybody's discussed with me for two days now.

Frankly, I am sick and tired of getting lectures on current events, but what I'm

asking for is action.

Good night, sir.

No news, Governor?

I'm afraid not, Miss Cross. We're getting a runaround from our own

Governor, we still have that call -in to our ambassador on the island. Maybe

he'll have some news.

Isn't it ironic?

When Benson left, I didn't say goodbye.

Now I may never see him again.

It'll be all right, Katie.

Boy, I was always in such a rush.

You just figure everyone's always going to be around.

I'm sure Benson understood, Liebling.

Yeah, I hope so.

Goodbye, Miss Krause.

Goodbye, Denise.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Where are you going, sweetheart?

Any word yet?

No. Oh, dear.

Well, Governor, I think I've got everything under control. I postponed

hearings on Benson's budget proposal, and I finalized his estimated revenues

report and personally took it over to legal. Good, good. Oh, I also cleared

Pete's calendar, and I helped his staff prepare your monthly newsletter. So if

there's nothing else there, I think I'll head on home and try to get some rest.

Good night, Clayton.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your efforts.

Oh, you already did, sir. I sent out a press release quoting you on how

invaluable I've been to you throughout this entire crisis.

You can't make it. What do you mean you can't make it?

You save yourself.

Take my canteen and go on without me. Pete, you don't have a canteen.

And we are chained together at the ankle.

Other than that, it's a great idea.

Well, then, let's head back to that stream we passed and get something to

You're the one who said never drink anything over here or eat anything from

trees, remember? Because it might be poisonous.

All the time we've known each other, you wait until we're in a jungle to take my

advice.

That's because you're supposed to know how to survive in a jungle. If we're

chained together in Baltimore, I'll take charge.

I just remembered something that could save our lives. What's that?

We'll roast a monkey. I'll die.

Listen to me, Becky.

Monkeys aren't poisonous. No, but they're furry.

It's our only hope.

We've got to catch a monkey. Okay, fine, fine. Lay down over there. Lay like a

banana.

I know how to catch a monkey.

You make a hole in a hollow log and you put some food in it.

Then when the monkey grabs the food, he makes a fist.

Then he can't get his hand out.

While he's figuring it out, we sneak up and bash his head in.

Wonderful. We're going to mug a monkey.

It works.

The United States government taught you this?

Yeah, yeah. So what do you think?

I think if we had the food to put in the log, we wouldn't need to catch a

monkey.

So you got a better idea? Yeah, I got one better than that. Attack!

Oh, it won't work, Benson. They're too fast. They jump from tree to tree.

You know, you are so...

I'm not talking about monkeys. I'm talking about gorillas.

I'm not that hungry.

No, I mean the Generalissimo and his men.

Oh.

Well, what are you going to put in the log for bait? A foreign aid check?

Just find yourself a big stick and follow me.

thing for two hours.

You want me to give it a try?

No, no, that's okay.

See if you can raise that antenna a bit.

That's enough.

Is it still working?

No, no, I think that finished it.

I'm getting something. I'm getting something. Oh, good. What is it?

It's gone.

It's back again.

Good night.

Put your hand back there.

Now, hold the antenna.

captured the entire rebel army.

Can anyone hear me?

Can anyone hear me? The only ones who might hear you are my armies hiding in

hills, Benson, and soon they will swarm down on this camp and carve you up for

the swine that you are.

Hold it.

Captain Zamora, U .S. Marine Specialty.

single for hours.

Boy, are we glad to see you.

Those are your prisoners.

They're not our prisoners. We can't get involved.

What do you mean you can't get involved?

Why'd you drop in here? We're here as advisors.

You're pretty heavily armed for advisors.

Well, that's why people take their advice.

You guys ready to go? Yeah. What about them?

Local police will pick them up.

We got a plane waiting at the airport for us. We'll have you home in no time.

Let's go, men.

Well, take care. Bye -bye.

Oh, you know, Benson, this experience would make a great movie. Yeah.

I wonder who they'll get to play our parts.

Who knows?

Well, they'll probably get somebody like Billy Dee Williams to play me.

For you, they may even get, uh...

Does the airline know where your luggage is?

They have no idea.

But at least we got to breathe through customs.

All right, I'm going to get back to work.

Benson, I'm really glad you're back. Thank you very much, sir. Oh, yeah, me

I've got to get back to work, but I'm really glad you're back. I've got to get

to work, but mostly... I think I understand, Denise.

Thank you, sir.

You, Kraus?

I wasn't worried about you for a minute, Benson. I knew you'd come back safely.

Really? Yes, it was in my horoscope.

It said to expect a major disappointment from a cohort of...