Original subtitles

Denise!

Denise!

Vincent, where is Denise?

She went to get the mail. What's that thing you got under your head?

I got this. It's my new bicycle.

It's a crash helmet.

Shouldn't it have a face mask?

I don't think so. Let's take a vote.

Wait till you see my new bike. I got it with my tax refund check.

You got your refund check already?

Yeah. You want to see my new bicycle?

Where is it? Come here.

It's over there, by that tree.

See? There's a dog is.

Oh! Bad doggy!

Bad doggy! Oh!

Oh! Gretchen! Where is she going in such a hurry?

To the dogs.

Did you get your income tax refund check? Yeah, last week.

Here's your mail. Why don't you call the IRS and get on their case?

For the same reason I don't date married women. It may seem like a good idea at

the time, but eventually you pay for it.

I need to talk to you. Sure, Governor. What is it? Oh, not you, Benson. Denise.

Though I'll talk to you later if you want me to.

Listen, Denise.

Katie's birthday's coming up, and I know that she wants one of those custom

-built dollhouses.

Could you help me pick one out? Oh, sure, Governor. I'd be glad to. Oh,

wonderful. Well, we'll start looking tomorrow. And listen, could you keep it

secret, because I want to surprise her. Yeah.

Oh, no.

Benson, what's wrong?

I got a letter from the Internal Revenue Service.

What do they want? They want to question me about last year's tax return.

Uh -oh, you're in trouble.

Hi, Denise.

What you reading?

It's an article that uses the quantum theory to explain infinity.

Sounds interesting.

Yeah, but it goes on forever.

You really understand all that math? Oh, sure. Math is just a language that

helps you comprehend the abstract concepts of the universe.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Uh, listen, um, are you doing anything tonight? They're having a Doug McClure

film festival over at the college.

Oh, gee, Pete, I'm sorry. I'm busy tonight.

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, Denise, there you are. Listen, I'll pick you up around seven tonight. Is

that okay?

That'll be fine, Governor.

Good. You're going out with the Governor?

Pete, do me a favor and keep this to yourself.

Oh, yeah. That won't be hard.

I'll be alone tonight.

Peter, where is Benson? We were supposed to have a meeting 15 minutes ago.

I went to see the accountant about his taxes.

Why doesn't anybody ever tell me these things?

I just did.

But you get off my back. I'm in no mood for this.

I've got woman problems.

Oh, what happened?

Did someone puncture your date?

Oh, Vincent, here you are, just in time to be late for our meeting.

Clayton, get off my back. I'm in no mood for this.

This kitchen is a hotbed of clever quips.

Trouble with your accountant?

No, no trouble.

The jerk ran off to the Bahamas with an 18 -year -old waitress.

I can't even get one to come to my table.

You having tax trouble?

I'm being called in for an audit by Internal Revenue Service.

Then you are in trouble.

But why?

What do they want with me?

If you want my advice, Benson, just give them what they want.

I mean, you can't win. You know the IRS.

Yeah, the world's most successful mail order business.

Oh, they're coming at us that way.

What are you talking about? Well, this tax audit is obviously politically

motivated. Look, my dad has the best tax attorneys in the country. I better run

these over to his office. That's okay, Clayton. I can handle it.

Benson, when you break your arm, what do you do?

Cry out in pain, what do you do?

What any intelligent man does, I go to the doctor. And when your transmission

breaks down, what do you do?

What any intelligent man does, I swear at the car.

You go to a mechanic.

An expert.

Huh? Huh?

All right, all right. Take the record that can't hurt. Wise decision.

Hold it, hold it. What is this going to cost me? Not a thing, Benson.

I'm doing it for friendship.

That's more than I wanted to pay.

What does it mean?

Have you heard about this romance between Denise and the governor?

What's the punchline?

Denise and the governor. They're going out. I heard them make a date. Who is

making a date?

Krauss, don't you ever get tired of lurking?

Denise and the governor, they're seeing each other.

Did you ever hear anything so ridiculous?

That laugh.

You don't have to believe me. Ask Denise.

Which floor plan do you like tonight?

I like this one. It has three bedrooms, and the furniture we picked out will be

perfect.

Okay, we'll give them a call and make sure they save it for us tonight.

You know what I really love about this house? The nursery.

Twitch, do you know what just happened to me?

They put starch in your underwear.

No, somebody stole my car.

Really? I parked in front of Lear's drugstore, went in to get some breath

I came out, my car was gone.

I shouldn't have left the engine running.

You left the engine running? You left your keys in the car?

Where do you live? In a tunnel?

Benson, I don't need a lecture from you. My mother's going to be terribly upset.

You left her in the... the car, too?

No, she gave me the car for my birthday.

What a mess.

They got everything. My new raincoat.

Well, calm down, Clayton. My golf clubs.

It's not the end of the world, man.

All your tax records.

My tax records? You lost my tax records?

Don't yell at me. It's not my fault. Well, you're the one who suggested that

take my records to some tax expert. Now, I gotta call the IRS and straighten

this mess out.

All because you had to have a breath mint. I needed them.

Junkie!

I don't know why you're so upset. The IRS will understand.

Yeah, and the KKK is starting an affirmative action program.

Hello, IRS?

This is Vincent Dubois. I was scheduled for an audit on Monday, but a funny

thing has happened.

Well, who should I talk to?

When will he be back?

Well, yeah, well, can you connect me with him? Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, this is Benson Dubois. I was scheduled for an audit on Monday, but a

of funny thing has happened.

Well, when will she be back?

Oh, can you connect me with her?

Okay, thank you.

Hello, this is Benson Dubois.

I was scheduled for an audit on Monday, but a kind of funny thing has happened.

Sure, I'll hold.

Good morning, Pete. How was your weekend?

Oh, it was great.

I went to that personality training seminar.

What's that?

You know, one of those groups where they try to straighten out your whole life

in 48 hours.

Did you get anything out of it?

T -shirt.

I'll never understand why people go to those things.

Well, I heard there were a lot of desperate women there.

And were there?

No. But there were a lot of desperate guys who heard the same thing I heard.

Good morning.

Good morning, Benson. How was your weekend?

Lovely. I spent the whole time trying to get together duplicate records for my

tax audit.

But I never understand why these things happen to you, Benson. The IRS never

called me in to be investigated.

Maybe not, but I'm sure the guys at NASA would love to take a look at you.

Hi, everybody.

Guess what? In just two more days, I'll be 12.

Oh, really?

Oh, how interesting.

Well, here's your lunch, Katie. I gave you tuna fish sandwich today.

Of course, I don't expect a big party or anything.

No, you're right. You're getting to be a little old for that.

But I won't want to spoil anybody else's fun.

Well, birthday parties aren't that much fun anyway.

So you guys don't have anything planned for the day after tomorrow?

Well, I don't know about Pete and Krause, but I have plans.

Really? Sure, that's the day I rotate my tires.

You're planning to surprise me. Good idea.

Her big surprise is going to come when she finds out her daddy is marrying

Denise. Krauss, the governor, is my friend. Denise is my secretary. And if

was anything going on, I'd be the first to know.

When did you tell Katie we went Saturday? Oh, I just made up some excuse

business luncheon.

was going to take all afternoon.

Well, I didn't want to rush things. Listen, thank you for giving me time to

decide.

Money, everybody.

Well,

I think we made the right decision, and I can't tell you how glad I am you

thought of me.

Well, after I got to know you and I realized how well you and Katie get

you were the only logical choice.

See? I can't believe she dumped me for him.

I wonder when they're going to break the big news.

When the governor wants us to know, he'll tell us.

Well, he doesn't have to tell me anything. To me, it is clear as a bell.

Should be for a ding -dong.

I hear you.

Well, gentlemen, it's a glorious day. Good news.

The police recovered my car.

Oh, good. Then you got my tax records.

Well, unfortunately, the thieves took everything that was in the car.

Everything? Not my tax records. What would they want with my tax record?

Crooks do strange things, Benson.

Once they broke into my aunt's house and all they stole was her banana bread.

Are you suggesting these two crimes are connected?

I'm terribly sorry about this, Benson. I feel it's partially my fault.

Partially? You're going down to the IRS with me?

I'd be more than happy to.

Good, because when the guy asks me what kind of idiot would lose his tax

records, I want to be able to show him Exhibit A.

Here, Shirley, I finished the Morrison audit. Who's next?

Mr. DuBois at 2 .30. Right.

Did you make a copy of the Johnson memo? Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.

Hackett. I'll do it right now.

Benson,

I know the tax laws. Just let me do the talking.

Clayton, don't get yourself all worked up. Just let me do the talking.

Okay, but make sure that you explain to him why my tax records are missing.

You don't have to explain anything to these people.

First of all, they're not that bright.

Well, I'm sure they'll be bright enough to see that I don't have any records.

Benson, they are stupid.

It's common knowledge. Just ask anyone. Oh, here.

Excuse me. This is my friend's first time. Have you ever been involved in an

audit before?

Yes.

And you were the brightest person in the room, right?

Yes.

See? I rest my case.

They're all idiots.

Now, what time is your appointment, anyway?

It's at 2 .30. In fact, I can take you right now, Mr.

Dubois.

Now, let me see if I got this straight.

Your accountant ran off to the Bahamas with a cocktail waitress.

You left your tax records in Mr. Endicott's car, which was stolen while

in buying some breath mints.

The crooks abandoned the car but took your tax records. Is that right?

That's right.

Is that your story? Those are the highlights.

You see, Mr. Haggard... Seems perfectly logical to me.

Yes, but then I'm not as bright as you.

Now, Mr. DuBois... Hold it, Hackett.

Now, just because you hang around the waiting room listening in on private

conversations doesn't mean you can ride roughshod over Mr. DuBois. I don't

intend to ride roughshod over anybody.

I'll treat Mr.

DuBois like any other citizen.

Oh, like any other citizen.

You do realize who this is? Yes. The budget director of this state. That's

there's no excuse for misunderstanding the tax laws.

Now, what's wrong with this?

Can you explain the business deduction of $529?

Yes, I was promoted last year, and I needed three new suits for my job.

I'm afraid the ruling on clothing deductions has changed.

Disallow. Now, just a minute, Hackett.

You think you're the only person who knows the tax laws?

Mr. Dubois only wears those suits at work. Can you prove that? Can you prove

that he doesn't? Is he wearing one of those suits now?

Yes.

Is he working now?

Well, no.

Disallowed.

Brilliant.

I see you've taken a deduction for $450 in sales tax over and above what's

considered normal for your income.

Oh, well, that's the sales tax on my new car.

Aha, new car.

You have the sales receipt?

Unfortunately, it's with the stolen records.

But the car's right out in the parking lot. Where? Right over here.

Right out there.

Which one? See the blue car?

The one where the doggy is?

Hey, get away from there!

I'm afraid this just isn't your day, Mr. Dubois.

You're going to disallow the sales tax?

No, no, that seems legitimate.

I was talking about your white walls.

Seems legitimate.

Disallow. You know, I'm not fond of your attitude, Hackett. I want the name of

your superior.

We just call him, uh...

Mr. President.

All right.

There's one more area I question.

Charitable contributions.

It's this deduction of $1 ,000 for a donation to the mid -city orphanage. $1

,000? I don't believe it.

Well, you see, that was a kind of a mistake.

Oh, I see. You really didn't give $1 ,000.

Oh, no, no, no. I gave it. It's just that I didn't mean to give that much.

I don't follow you. Well, Reverend Tompkins, the man to whom I gave the

came down to my office to discuss the cuts in state funding, and I got so

carried away with his situation that I ended up writing him a check. A very

generous check.

I'll say it's generous. I don't believe it.

Well... Actually, it was going to be for a couple of hundred dollars, but then

he started telling me some sad stories about kids, and so I figured I could

stretch it to $500.

And then he told me about the hole in the roof, the broken furnace, and the

leaky water heater, and I got carried away, and I ended up writing him a check

for $1 ,000.

And you don't have a receipt or a canceled check?

No.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll allow a deduction of $200.

Could we compromise, make it $400? $250?

Hold it!

Now, you either give him the entire deduction or nothing.

All right.

Nothing.

Disallowed. Wait a minute, wait a minute, mister. Look, Mr. Dubois, you

back with some proof and without your mouthpiece, and I'll give you the whole

deduction. Well, okay.

That's fair enough.

I guess Reverend Tompkins has some sort of record. Good.

Let's see what we got here.

Uh, this allowed for $529.

Okay. Uh, good.

Donation.

Hey, looks like the bottom line's about $560.

Well, I must admit I was expecting a bigger refund, but $560 beats nothing.

That's $560 you owe us.

so much, Mr. Hackett. Come on, Benson.

You sure Benson won't mind our

putting it in here? No, he won't care.

I sure hope Katie likes it. Oh, I'm sure she will.

Oh, listen, Denise, thank you again.

Oh,

Benson, what do you think this is?

Big Roach Motel.

It's a custom -built one. It's for Katie's birthday.

Denise helped me pick it out and furnish it.

Oh, I see. Then you two aren't getting married.

Married?

No, whatever gave you a dumb idea like that?

Ah, come in, Reverend Tompkins. Hello, Benson. I hope I'm not interrupting

anything. Oh, no, no, no. You just saved me from a very embarrassing moment.

Governor, you know Reverend Tompkins, don't you?

Of course I do. How are you, sir? I'm sure glad I caught you, Governor.

Reverend, the check is in the mail.

Oh, thank you. It goes every little bit of help, you know.

Benson, don't let Katie see the dollhouse.

Married.

Have a seat, Reverend Duncans. Oh, thank you.

Did you find a record of my donation?

Well, Brother DeWaugh, I think I've got some bad news for you.

That's why I came over here to tell you in person.

You see...

A couple of months ago, they had a little fire at the orphanage.

Now,

let

me see if I've got this straight.

You claim that Mr.

Dubois did indeed give you $1 ,000.

But during a retirement party for your guidance counselor, the office curtains

caught on fire, and all your records were partially burned, including this

ledger. Absolutely right.

And if page 26 had survived the fire, you would find Mr. Dubois' name there

a notation of $1 ,000.

And that's your story?

Those are the highlights.

You're good, Dubois.

Real good.

Runaway accountant, stolen car, missing records, a fire in the orphanage.

You know, you throw in a little sex scandal and you got a movie of the week.

That's another way of saying disallowed. Right, disallowed. But I'm telling you

the truth, Mr. Hackett. That may be, but it helps to have the truth on paper.

Well, Reverend, thank you for coming down.

You know, this may cost Benson a few extra dollars, but think of the love he

gained from 47 homeless boys.

Tell him about Billy.

Oh, yeah. Billy wants to play Little League, but we can't afford to buy him a

glove. And the Simpson twins.

Oh, yeah. They're much better, thank God.

But they could still use more therapy.

And how was Christmas last year?

Oh, just fine. I don't think the kids even noticed there wasn't a tree.

Thank God for men like you, Brother Vincent.

Of course, these aren't your problems.

Because the good Lord has provided for you.

I guess I'd better be going because it's a long walk back to the orphanage. Wait

a minute, Reverend.

I know it doesn't look like much, but here's $20.

Thank you and bless you, Mr. Hackett.

This could probably buy one of the boys a sweater.

All right.

I guess I can handle 50.

Thank you, thank you.

This could probably fix some of the broken windows.

It's so cold this time of year.

Terribly cold.

Look, Reverend, I ain't got but $32 left.

Oh, no, you've done enough. You've done enough.

You take it.

I wish I could do more. Thank you so much.

No longer shall I call you Mr. Hackett, but Brother Hackett.

I will see that the boys remember you in their prayers.

May the Lord be with you and bless you.

Yeah. What are you staring at?

Well, I was just thinking what a nice thing that was you did.

It was the least I could do.

Well, there's more than you planned. He cleaned you out.

It was for a good cause.

Well, let me see if I've got this straight now. You were going to give

you got so carried away by his situation that you wound up giving $82 without a

receipt. Is that your story? That's the highlight.

All right, Dubois.

I get your point.

And I believe your story.

Deductions allowed.

Thank you, Mr. Haggard. And I'll remember you in my prayers.

Uh, one more thing, Dubois. What?

Don't let the people in the waiting room see you smiling.

Oh, sure.

Did you get to the bank? Uh -huh, and I cashed your refund check.

Here you go, $328.

You know what you're gonna spend it on? Yeah, I got my eye on a new stereo.

Oh, incidentally, Reverend Tompkins is waiting in your office.

Reverend Tompkins?

Uh, look, I'll tell you what you do. You take that $328, protect it, guard it

with your life.

Even if I come back and ask you for it, don't give it to me, got it?