Original subtitles

Denise, can I see you for a moment?

Yes, sir.

Why is there a hole in my newspaper?

Because you told me to clip articles for the file.

After I read the paper.

I usually do, but I got in early this morning.

Was it anything important?

No, I just had to take my dog to Hacienda de Pets.

I meant, was the article important?

It had to be important, or I wouldn't have cut it out.

Would I?

Why don't you bring it in, and we'll decide together.

Sure, okay. Oh, can I just see the hole?

Benson, I've got great news for you. If it's on page 12, I'm all ears.

Well, it's better.

Remember that $100 I borrowed from you?

Oh, yeah, that $100 that you never paid back.

Never say never. Here it is, pal.

Well, as I live and breathe... Pete, I love large bills, but do you have

anything in green?

That's a valuable piece of paper. Now, thanks to me, you are now the proud

of 50 shares of stock in Orbiflight Universal Products.

You bought stock with my $100?

No, I bought a new transmission for my car.

But that stock right there is worth more than $100.

Well, it will be.

Will be?

Oh, sure.

Orbiflight's a growing company.

How much does a hunk of paper worth?

Well, it's in the neighborhood of $50, but it's moving all the time. Hopefully

to a $100 neighborhood.

We're talking Orbiflight Universal Products.

We're talking high technology.

We're talking innovation, ingenuity, the future.

What do these people make? Rubber balls.

I beg your pardon? They run the gamut, Benson. Everything from beach balls to

the little pink things you throw against the curb. Oh, great. A stock that

bounces. You could have just given me one of your checks.

Benson, I think I found the clipping.

Well, I'll let you two get back to work. Oh, wait a minute there, Pete.

Benson, you've got a real gold mine there. So far, all I got is the shaft.

Yes, this is it. It matches the hole perfectly.

Senator Chapman seeks new home for the eucalyptus tree?

What happened? You get too big for his window box?

No, Benson, he wants $68 ,000 to find out if eucalyptus will grow in this

Well, he's barking up the wrong tree.

Well,

you'll never get that money.

Oh, I wish I'd known that before I cut it out of the paper.

That makes two of us. Here, put this stock somewhere for me. Right. You want

to put it in the state? Well, for all it's worth, you can put it in the cookie

jar. Cookie jar, right.

Denise, I was just kidding. File it. File it, right.

I didn't know you played the stock market.

I didn't until Pete broke his transmission.

Oh, Paul Guy, he has such rotten luck.

Yeah, and he loves to spread it around.

Ah, back again?

Yeah, well, I was hoping by now you'd have some fresh coffee ready.

Not quite.

What does that mean, not quite fresh or not quite ready?

Not quite coffee.

It never is, but I'm used to it.

What is this green stuff?

tea. Did we run out of coffee?

Everyone's been drinking too much coffee. It makes them irritable.

Where did they get a load of this tea?

Miss Krause, hi, Benson. Hello, Governor. Hi, Governor. There's no

Oh, that's what they'd have you believe, but Benson, the warehouses are full of

it.

Miss Krause, there's no coffee.

Would you like a cup of parsley tea?

Why would I want that?

You can die Easter eggs in it.

Thank you, Miss Cross. I'll wait for the coffee.

Well, if no one likes my parsley tea, I guess there's no point in making my

whole grain kugel. I know.

You sure had to make none for me.

Governor, did you hear about Senator Chapman's bill?

You mean about the eucalyptus trees?

Yeah, that guy shouldn't be in the Senate. He should be in Doonesbury.

Hudson, I know it sounds like a joke, but it isn't.

It's not going to pass, is it? It might.

Listen, you and I ought to talk about this. Why don't you meet me in my office

at one o 'clock?

Fine, sir. I'll see you then.

Hi, Denise.

I hope you like parsley tea.

Isn't he wonderful?

Yeah, remind me at one o 'clock I have a meeting with Mr. Wonderful.

And send out for some coffee.

Right. You don't have to send out for coffee. I'll make coffee.

Did the governor say we have parsley tea?

You want to make something of it? I love parsley tea.

You do?

How do you feel about whole grain kugel?

Is he the guy in Catcher in the Rye?

Never mind.

Miss Krause, the governor tells me you're serving parsley tea.

Ah, tea.

What a civilized custom.

Do you mind if I join you ladies?

Sure, Clayton. Park your carcass.

That's a charming turn of phrase.

Yeah, what did we hear?

Oh, that's Benson's stocklight, and I don't think you should be looking at it.

Benson owns stock?

Oh, I only know about these 50 shares.

50 whole shares.

Oh, be still my heart.

That's probably some junk stock.

It is not.

He said it had something to do with transmissions.

What is the name of Benson's stock?

Why would you care?

Because Benson doesn't gamble with his money. If he owns stock, it must be a

sure thing.

Ah, please.

It's ridiculous to assume that Benson has the financial acumen to recognize a

sure thing.

Unless, of course, as budget director, he unwittingly found himself privy to

some inside information.

Denise, what is the name of that stock?

Well, I don't think I should tell you. I'm pretty sure that's confidential, you

know, between a boss and his secretary.

Oh, of course.

Can't you at least give us a hint?

No. Miss Krause, you heard what Denise said.

Besides, I'm sure she doesn't even know.

Yes, I do. Now, Denise, it's perfectly understandable that Benson doesn't tell

you everything.

He didn't have to tell me. It's right here. Orbiflight Universal Products.

That was not nice.

But it worked.

No wonder Benson called you a... Never mind. It's confidential.

Orbiflight.

Transmission.

Hmm, this company must have something to do with satellite communication.

Satellites? Of course. The whole cable television industry is on the verge of

moving into this state. And Benson was at those hearings.

So he did latch on to a sure thing.

Maybe we should invest in Benson stock.

Uh, Miss Krause, I really don't think we should discuss it. Benson could get

into trouble taking advantage of information not available to the general

public. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yes, we should absolutely... Absolutely forget all about it forever and forever.

Exactly. All the flies.

Ah,

Benson, here you are.

The governor will be right with us to discuss that Chapman proposal.

While we're waiting, we can take these few moments to have a chat.

Chat about what?

Oh, nothing specific, just things we have in common.

Okay.

That was fun. What next?

Benson, I'm sure you realize that because of my background and vast

I could be of considerable value to you in the market.

Great. Next time you're out, pick up a loaf of bread, a quart of milk, and a

couple of nice lamb chops.

I understand completely. Sometimes it is infinitely wiser that certain

conversations never take place.

This is one of them.

But you wouldn't advise me against calling my broker?

It's your dime.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Well, you didn't miss much.

Good. I'll have to make this short. I'm due at the Capitol right now. I asked

Clayton to join us, Benson, because he's been working with me on this low

-income housing bill.

What's that got to do with eucalyptus trees? Unfortunately, the two are tied

together. We're providing low -income tree houses?

They are politically tied, Benson.

See, I've been working on this bill for two years, and the state really needs

the housing.

But I still don't understand what it's got to do with eucalyptus trees.

To put it simply, Benson, if we oppose Chapman, he has the power to kill the

housing bill. And he will.

Well, that sounds to me like he's taking advantage of the situation.

That's politics.

Smells like blackmail.

I don't like it any better than you do, Benson, but it's the price I have to pay

to get that housing bill passed.

Unofficially, I hope Senator Chapman has to eat those eucalyptus trees.

See you later.

Well, good meeting.

I think I'd better call my broker.

You know what they say.

Buy low, sell high.

Catch it on the upswing. Get in on the ground floor.

Clayton, you really could have a future as a bumper sticker.

Look, your stock went up four points.

Oh, that's good.

Well, it depends whether you're bearish or bullish.

I'm German.

Bulls think the market will go up, and bears think the market will go down.

Who cares what a bunch of animals think?

I might as well ask a chicken.

I'm just telling you what my social studies teacher said.

See you later.

Okay, Lipschitz.

Good morning.

Good morning, Clayton.

Katie and I were just discussing the stock market. You know, the bulls and

bears.

Miss Kraff, I certainly hope you didn't mention Orba Flight. I specifically told

you to keep that information confidential.

I... I can keep a secret with the best of them.

Good morning.

Morning. Hello, Benson.

What's up?

Nothing. How would I know what is up or down? I don't care about those things.

Ask a chicken.

I knew she was strange, but sometimes even I'm surprised.

Clayton, did the governor change his mind about that eucalyptus study?

Oh, yes and no.

Were those his exact words?

Senator Brown called yesterday to ask the governor's help in opposing Chapman.

don't know Senator Brown.

He's against the eucalyptus trees.

But I like Senator Brown. What did the governor tell him? A story.

You know, the one about losing his harmonica at the Chili Festival?

No, but did it end with the governor opposing Chapman?

Benson, the governor has already told you he cannot take an official position.

Besides, there are many practical uses for eucalyptus.

Cost medicine, flea collars, protection for citrus trees.

We don't have any citrus trees.

How could we with no eucalyptus to protect them?

Let them buy guns like everybody else.

Fence and overreacting as usual. This study is hardly a hot political issue.

people just aren't that interested. I seriously doubt they care.

They shouldn't have to. They pay us to care.

Is he gone?

Considering our stock jumped four points, he certainly is testy. Our

So you invested, too?

Of course.

I make money the old -fashioned way.

Yes, you inherit it.

Vincent, have you got a moment? I have a problem.

Perhaps you should discuss it with your minister.

Actually, we have a problem.

What is it this time?

The Senate Finance Committee wants $70 ,000 cut from the school lunch budget.

Ah, great. So that's how they're going to pay for those eucalyptus trees.

Oh, here we go again.

Eucalyptus, eucalyptus, eucalyptus. Benson, one thing has nothing to do with

other. Doesn't it? It's the same amount of money and you can only spend it once.

You act like it's your money.

It is. Some of it. And I'm responsible for all of it. We've got to put a stop

this thing. Now, wait a minute, Benson. May I remind you what the governor said?

If anyone in this administration crosses Chapman, the housing bill is dead. Now,

forget about it.

Eucalyptus, eucalyptus.

Denise, will you come in here for a moment and bring the phone directory?

Okay.

Here it is.

What do you need?

Senator Brown's number. His office number or his private number? Private

be better.

5556941.

Do you know Senator Brown? No, I just memorized all the senators' numbers.

The entire Senate?

There's only 32 of them.

Give it to me again.

555 -6941.

Also, get me a list of the community leaders in Chapman's district. Okay.

Denise, keep this between you and me, okay? Yes, sir. Close the door.

Yes, sir.

Ah, Senator Brown, this is Benson Dubois.

Yes, sir, I'd like to speak to you about Senator Chapman's bill.

No, I'm not calling on behalf of the governor. I'm calling as a concerned

citizen. I have a plan to defeat this eucalyptus thing.

That's right, Mr. Jenkins.

The vote on the eucalyptus proposal is this afternoon.

And we would appreciate any support you can give us.

No, thank you, sir.

called agreed to send protest telegrams to Senator Chapman. Good.

All except one group, the Laughing Cobras. They want to stage a motorcycle

rally.

Well, if the Laughing Cobras want to stage a motorcycle rally, who are we to

no? That's what they said.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Monsignor Ryan is online, too.

Thanks. Why don't you start calling people on this list?

Okay. Ah, Monsignor Ryan. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about, uh, no

in the college. Now pick them up on Monday.

Hi, Governor.

What can I do for you? You know Senator Brown?

Brown? Brown?

Senator,

right? You're right. He's opposing Chapman on this eucalyptus study.

Well, shut my mouth.

He seems to be pretty effective.

That's nice.

Nice? For Senator Brown, that is amazing.

I mean, he's always been well -intentioned, but he's never been able

through. I figure that there's somebody behind the scenes who's running things

for him. Oh?

Any idea who it could be?

Oh. Well, I'd sure like to find out.

Uh -oh.

Well, I know how you feel about the eucalyptus study, and I thought you'd be

glad to hear that Senator Brown is making headway.

Well, that's just great.

I sure would like to know who's behind it.

Clayton Endicott here. Give me Mr. Harding, please.

Gee, Clayton, where's the governor?

Yes, it's Clayton Endicott. I need a quote on Orbiflight Universal.

Orbiflight? Yes, I'm aware you gave it to me an hour ago, but when a stock is

rising this quickly, I like to keep track of it.

Thank you. I'll wait.

Orbiflight's going up?

Ten points since Monday.

You're kidding me. Ten points? That's... That means my 50 shares are worth $500.

Does Benson know? Peter, I purposely did not discuss Orbiflight with Benson.

Great, then. I still have a chance.

Yes? No?

No, no, no. You cannot put me on hold. I have already been on hold.

Do you realize who you're speaking to?

This happens to be Clayton Endicott III, the governor's chief of hello.

No, Elsa.

Orbiflight universal.

You're talking to a regular tycoon.

Of course I'll still be your friend.

I'll even teach you about the bulls and the bears.

No, no, Elsa. That's a bird and a bee.

Yes, yes, the latest quote on Orbiflight is...

What?

Down? How many points?

No, no, no, no, no. You've obviously made a mistake.

I said, or the flight.

Yes, I'm still here.

I just don't feel like talking.

Well, Senator Brown, we'll know soon enough.

At least we tried.

Yep.

All we can do now is wait for the vote.

Good luck to you, sir.

Glad I caught you.

Pete, I'm late for a meeting. Listen, remember that hundred bucks I borrowed

from you?

Yeah, the hundred bucks you paid back with rubber balls.

Right, right, right. Well, you know, I thought about it and I decided it really

wasn't fair. So I'll take the stock off your hands. Fine.

Really? Yeah, just give me the hundred bucks. What kind of deal do you call

that? Cash.

Vincent, I'm trying to do you a favor here. Now, what do you say?

Why are you so anxious to have the stock back?

Do I seem anxious?

No.

I'm not really anxious.

I guess I'm just sentimental.

I feel the same way about my money.

I see the cash, you see the stock. Goodbye.

Boy, you really drive a hard bargain, you know that?

Oh, Batson, you're back.

Listen, uh, I have good news for you about that eucalyptus study.

The Senate defeated it?

No, they never voted. Senator Chapman pulled his proposal from the floor. He

backed off on his own?

No, Senator Brown put together a coalition of voters from Chapman's

and they convinced him we didn't need eucalyptus trees.

Well, that's a terrific idea.

I wish I'd have thought of it. No, you don't.

Because if you'd thought of it, and word got out, my housing bill would be in

jeopardy. I'd be mad as heck.

Well, all's well that ends well.

That's exactly what Stretch Hopkins said. Used to work for me down at the

Well, I'm happy to say, sir, you told me this story before.

Oh, no, no, no. I told you about Stretch and the river rat. This is Stretch and

the Christmas tree. Right, now he's doing sequence.

See, this was the year we were providing the White House Christmas tree.

That's quite an honor.

I wouldn't know. I've never been asked.

Well, anyway, Stretch wasn't very fond of the Republicans, and he figured they

didn't deserve a Christmas tree.

Well, I suggested that he express his feelings at the ballot box, but Stretch

took a more direct approach. He used a chainsaw.

On the tree, I hope. He put me in a very awkward position because, you see, I

still owed the White House a Christmas tree.

Does this story have a happy ending?

Yes, I didn't fire him.

And luckily, we found another tree.

But I made sure that Stretch never did anything like that again.

What'd you do, whip him?

I just told him the story.

Governor, word to the wives is sufficient.

I hope so, Benson.

Katie, where is Miss Krause?

Clayton, you made me blow four of these.

Katie, my business is a good deal more important than a mere child's game.

Not to a mere child.

Katie. You had to go to the storeroom for a minute. Thank you.

Yeah, you forgot your toy.

It's not a toy, Clayton. It's a game.

And I'll be back to finish it when there are fewer distractions.

You only get one bounce, Clayton.

Well, you seem to be chipper, Benson. You must have bailed out.

I, on the other hand, took a bath.

Clayton, why is it when I talk to you, I feel like the only person at the U .N.

without a headset?

What in the world are you talking about? You know perfectly well what I'm

talking about.

Orbiflight Universal Products.

What about Orbiflight?

The bottom fell out. It's down to 65 cents a share.

Oh, no.

You both own stock in Orbiflight?

Well, of course, my 5 ,000 shares can be written off as a tax loss on my trust

fund. But what about poor Miss Krause?

You've left her a miserably pattered and penniless spinster.

Put it in a sock, Clayton.

Once you owe me ten bucks, that's how much I invested in your rotten stock.

When did it become my stock?

Your feigned ignorance is becoming rather tiresome.

Ten dollars, is that all you invested?

Yeah. It was Benson's tip. And it is obvious, Benson, you know nothing about

stock market.

I know enough not to put my money in it.

Benson, we are fully aware that you purchased Orbiflight based on inside

information. Inside information, is that what you thought?

That's what Clayton thought.

And that's why you bought it?

Why do you find that so amusing?

Because I didn't buy Orbiflight stock. Pete gave it to me to pay back a loan.

I invested in stock because of Peter.

Talk about a bull market.

Hold on to it, Clayton. It may bounce back.

I suppose satellite communication is the thing of the future.

Satellite communication?

Yes, Orbiflight's primary arena. Clayton, Orbiflight's primary arena is

playground. They make rubber balls.

Orbiflight.

I bought 5 ,000 shares of rubber balls.

Granddaddy must be turning over in his urn.

Well, Benson, you ready to do business?

Peter, I'd like to have a word with you. In a minute, Clayton. I'm about to get

50 shares of Orbaflight from Benson for 100 bucks.

Where'd you get 100 bucks?

I pawned my television set.

20, 40, 50, 80, 100.

Okay, where's the stock? In my office. Great, let's go. Peter.

Yeah. As you know, I too own stock in Orbaflight. 5 ,000 shares to be exact,

which I might just be persuaded to part with.

What a surprise.

There's a possibility we could do business here, but I only hocked a 12

portable.

I'll take an IOU.

We could arrange to have a small sum deducted from your weekly salary.

What a guy. And I thought he was depressed because the bottom fell out.

What bottom? Whose bottom?

Orbiflight stock is practically worthless.

Oh, my bottom.

Relax, Peter. You only lost money.

My reputation in the financial community has been ruined. People used to trust

my judgment.

Yeah. Now when Clayton Endicott talks, nobody listens.

Good

night,

Cross. Vincent, what do you know about the bears?

Ross, you still messing around with that stock market stuff?

No, not the bulls and the bears, the Chicago Bears.

I'm trying to learn something about football.

Why, the Bears need a linebacker?

Arnold is taking me to a game this weekend, and I don't want to look like a

dummy. Then you better go in disguise.

I just need to know enough to talk about the game.

Okay, what do you need to know?

Just tell me everything that happens after the huddle.

It's a secret. That's why they huddle.

Why do they kick the ball to the other team if they don't want them to have it

in the first place?

Good night, Prince.

Wait a minute, Vincent. I'm serious.

Okay, one more question.

I just want to be able to give Arnold a straight answer.

Now, what is the triple option?

Yes, no, and let's wait till we're married.