Original subtitles

Miss Krause, I realize Benton is cutting the budget, but this coffee is

ridiculous. What coffee?

This coffee.

Tastes like dishwater.

It is dishwater.

What do you mean?

I am cleaning the pot.

Well, when will there be coffee?

There won't be any more today.

Why not?

Ask our new budget director.

Benson, why isn't there any coffee?

Let me guess.

Juan Valdez's mule died.

There won't be any more coffee here in the afternoons. The only way I can make

Benson happy is if I stave us in my budget.

Krauss, the only way you can make me happy is if you stay within your room.

But, sir, you're never going to catch the public imagination with a speech

economic projections.

Now, frankly, I think you'd get a lot more press coverage eating ethnic foods.

Pete, Rotary Club doesn't care what I talk about as long as I sing their songs

with them.

Governor, did you see this report on Kingsley State Penitentiary? Oh, yes, I

did, Benson. It's pretty grim, isn't it? We may have to honor their request for

extra funds.

Well, throwing money at the problem isn't going to solve it. We already

,000 a year per prisoner.

That's more than we spend per student in public education.

Yeah, but when a prisoner gets out, he can read.

Well, we've got to do something. We can't let conditions get any worse.

Well, Governor, even if we decided to give them more money, where am I

to get it?

Well, keep your mitts off my household budget.

As it is, I can barely make ends meet. You can barely make meat meet.

Well, there has to be some solution.

Well, the problem with the state prison is that we don't know what the problem

is. And we're not going to find out by reading reports.

Somebody's got to go in there.

Benson, are you seriously suggesting that somebody should go into the pen and

actually live with the prisoners?

That's exactly what I'm suggesting.

Why don't you put your body where your mouth is?

Krause, please, we're trying to discuss business here. Well, how would you like

it if I were hanging around your office?

I would like it if you were hanging anywhere.

Peter, would you please not talk with your mouth full? It looks like the sink

backed up.

You can't be serious about going into prison, Benson. Well, something's wrong

there, and they say more money would fix it. Now, how can I say no it won't

unless I know what's going on? All right.

I'll call and make an appointment for you to talk to the warden. I don't think

that's going to be enough, Governor. The only way to really learn anything is

for me to go in undercover.

Oh, I don't know, Benson. That sounds dangerous.

When I took the job, sir, you told me you trusted my judgment.

That's true. I did, didn't I? All right. I'll call the prison and make the

arrangements.

Well, I'm impressed, Benson.

This is certainly the stupidest idea you've ever had.

I think it's gutsy, daring, adventurous.

Would you do it? Do I look stupid?

I'm glad he didn't wait for an answer.

Well, Benson, it seems like only yesterday you were working with me in

kitchen, and now you're going to prison.

Yeah, things are looking up.

Here are the piggies on the dam project.

What dam project?

The dam on the White Bluffs River.

Oh, thanks, Marcy. Just put them on the table over there. I can't get to them

until tomorrow.

You'll be in jail tomorrow.

All right.

Benson, are you alone?

He is now.

Oh, hi, Marcy. Well,

Benson, everything's all set for your trip up the river.

There's your new identity.

Is this me, Danny Ballard? Only you and I and the warden know that name.

I made it up myself.

It's an easy name for you to remember.

Now, Warden Roberts will be your contact on the inside.

Warden Roberts.

It's going to be tough in there, but it's only for three days.

It'll be easy after two years with Krause.

Well, I just wish I could trade places with you. I could go to prison and you

could go to this conference on revenue sharing.

Oh, boy, is that going to be boring.

I thought you were the main speaker.

Oh, I am.

No talking, no smoking, no chewing gum. If you've got a question, raise your

hand.

Okay, Wilbur, I'll handle it from here. Yes, sir.

Sorry about that, but it wouldn't do for me to treat you differently than any

other in make.

Benson, isn't it? No.

Ballard. At least for the next three days.

Well, I don't envy you your job. That's a tough... population in there. The

governor and I appreciate your cooperation.

Well, we all want the same thing, better conditions.

Some extra money from the state would sure help.

Well, that's exactly why I'm here, Warden, to see what has to be done.

I guess I should get started.

Right.

Wilbur.

Okay. Good luck, and you be careful in there.

Take this creep back to his cell.

All right, come on, you. I can walk, you lousy screw.

You're home for the next five years.

All you guys is the new fish.

Hey.

Danny Ballard. Dr. Death.

Heavy, heavy.

Mad Dog.

That's your name?

Mad Dog?

Yeah, the guys hung it on me after I bit off of God's nose.

I beg your pardon?

Is this your first time inside?

No, no, no. No, I was in Leavenworth.

Me too, for ten years. I don't remember no Danny Ballard. When was you there?

When were you there? I asked you first. I don't like this conversation.

I'll be in my cell.

Hear that, doctor?

My man thinks this is his cell.

There's another guy living in here, you know. Don't sweat it, baby.

We'll work something out.

Because if you don't, your next cell will be a hefty bag.

Hey, guess what?

You got a new roommate there, Axeman.

Hey, Danny Ballard. So, well, I just thought you might

want to know.

Nope.

talking to you.

Hey! What?

You're sitting on my bunk.

Oh, well, then you got your stuff on my bunk. That ain't your bunk.

That's my other bunk.

Well, where am I supposed to sleep? On the floor?

That's my floor.

Well, part of the cell belongs to me, don't it?

Right.

You stay in that circle.

Say what?

Oh, that circle, huh?

But that's your part of the cell.

Well, what if I have to go to the... Well, I suppose I could hope.

Lights out in one minute. Shut up.

Sorry, Axeman.

Hey, man, you can't expect me to stay in this circle for the rest of my

sentence.

On the other hand, if I get some curtains and a little chair, I suppose

Lights out!

Good night, Ballard.

Good night, Axeman.

Good night, Ballard. Good night, Dr. Death.

Good night, mad dog.

Hey, hey, my man, wait up.

Listen, I want to thank you for letting me have your lunch today.

I want to thank you for eating it.

That's my favorite meal, chopped sirloin supreme.

Wonder which one of the Supremes they chopped up.

That's funny.

Are the meals always so rotten here?

Ain't so bad once you get used to it.

I'm only doing five years.

Go about it.

Don't forget, you owe me two packs of smokes.

How come you owe the axe man two packs?

I'm leasing part of the sale.

Well, if I was you, I'd pay him first chance I get.

I don't smoke.

Well, in this case, not smoking could be hazardous to your health.

Hey, pal, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll give you the two packs if you let me have your shoes.

Oh, great. Sure.

Tomorrow it'll be my shirt, then my pants.

And by the end of next week, I'll be standing in my cell naked in a little

circle.

No, man, all I want is your shoes. I mean, look at these.

Well, what happened to your new pair?

What new pair? I ain't got no new pair.

These are the same lines of shoes I've been having for two years.

Well, wait a minute. Now, we're supposed to get a new pair of shoes every six

months. What are you, a jailhouse lawyer?

You can't even get your little toes in my shoes.

Yeah, but I can trade them.

Look, look, man.

If you decide to sell your shoes, you let me know, all right?

Hey, Ballard.

I signed you up for some classes. You'll be taking auto mechanics, welding,

transferring personal experience into poetry.

Then when I get out, I'll be able to get a job at the Carl Sandburg muffler

shop.

If you don't mind, I'll choose my own classes.

What do you care? We don't really have classes.

We just got signing up. Well, if you don't have classes, how do you learn

anything? Word of mouth.

Shoot some baskets.

Where'd you get the basketball?

I rented it from Axeman. Two packs.

How'd you get it blown up? One pack.

Supplies missing.

Training records falsified.

No recreational equipment.

Substandard food.

Inedible food.

Bad food.

Garbage.

Turn around, man, and don't move. I got a spoon in your back. Excuse me?

Oh, a sharp spoon.

Shut up and listen.

I either put this blade in your pocket or put it in your kidney.

Pick a pocket.

Congratulations, man.

You're a hero.

Hey, what you got there, Ballard?

Some dude just laid this on me.

Hey, guard!

Guard! Hey, somebody just stuck a knife into the ax man.

Never mind.

Go on, you're the new kingpin, brother.

The new kingpin, huh? Let me ask you something.

Is there any way to get to be the new kingpin without killing the old kingpin?

Uh -uh.

Why? Because a couple of those guys in the yard look very ambitious.

Valley, I just got the news through the grapevine.

The axe man's still alive.

So long, kingpin.

That was stupid. You just scratched him. He's very steamed.

You're in a lot of trouble now.

You stick to Axeman, you gotta finish him off.

What's the matter with you guys? I told you I didn't do it. I don't hear you. I

don't see you. I don't even know you. You took the words right out of my

Hey, come on. Come on, Axeman. Listen, I didn't have nothing to do with that,

man.

You know I... Come on.

Leave me alone, huh?

You can run.

want you, Ballard. Does that mean I can get out of the circle tonight?

It's a joke, man!

I suppose sticking me was a joke, too, huh? No, look, I told you I didn't do

that to you, I swear. Ask anyone.

It's all over, man.

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm an undercover budget director.

You expect me to believe that?

You're right. It's the first time I heard it said online.

also the last time. No, no, no, no. See, I'm not Danny Ballard. I came here to

investigate this joint for the governor.

Right. And I was the official photographer for Chuck and Di's wedding.

That's very funny. No, it's true. It's true.

I work for the governor. I came here to see why conditions are so bad. If you

let me go, I'll prove it to you. Now, why would I do that?

Because if I'm telling the truth, you'll be crushing the Adam's apple of an

innocent black man.

Okay. That can be reasonable, but how are you going to prove it? I'll get the

warden to back up my story.

Okay. But if you're here after dinner, I'm going to kill you.

Man, if I have to eat another den of hair, I want you to kill me.

So everybody thinks I did it. Now the Axeman is trying to kill me.

There's nothing to do but blow my cover.

I guess we'll have to call everything off.

Sure wish I could help you.

You and the governor have created a real problem for me. A problem for you? What

about me?

Your problem will be over as soon as you get back inside.

Aren't you listening? I said the Axeman will kill me.

Nobody likes a snoop.

That has nothing to do with it. You're the only one who knows why I'm in here.

I figured you'd put it together sooner or later.

What together?

Listen, a man tries to kill me. Why? Because some supplies are missing? Those

guys couldn't have anything to do with that. It's got to be somebody at the

Oh, brother, I just put it together.

You arranged to have the ax man stabbed and the spoon planted on me.

You've been skimming money from the budget. You're the thief.

That's a harsh way of putting it.

It's a shame you won't live to tell anybody about it.

Well, bye.

Yes, sir.

Get this creep out of my sight.

Come on, you. I'm giving you one last chance to change your mind.

Get him out of here!

Okay, one more last chance?

Watch out for his mother's ship. Watch out for his mother's ship!

Oh, no. Space debris.

Like fish in a barrel.

Goodbye, Pete.

Perfect.

Oh, no. She blew me away again.

Okay, one more game. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm supposed to play the

winner. Here, Marcy. You can take my place. No, I can't. The idea of blowing

those little aliens makes my skin crawl.

I'll take Marcy's turn.

Okay, Pete.

Now, now. Shoot. Shoot. Don't be shy. Shoot.

Now, I fail to understand how grown people can become addicted by a random

series of electronic blips. Watch this blaster. Watch this blaster.

Move it. This is my last squadron. You're in my sights.

Hyperspace. Get his asteroid.

Hey, everybody.

I'm back.

What happened?

Black hole.

Okay, okay, okay. One more game.

Remember me, everybody? I'm the governor.

Sorry, Daddy.

How are you doing here, Governor?

How was the meeting, sir?

Oh, it went very well, and I had good news about matching funds.

Where's Benson?

Unless he's dug a tunnel, he's still in prison, sir. Oh, he was supposed to get

out today. I thought he'd be here.

Well, maybe he needed more time.

Yeah, I would have given him five to ten.

I think I've got to call the warden to check up on that. Okay, okay. Who wants

to play me next?

Peter, if you can tear yourself away from the outer limits, we do have work

do. You know, it's people like you that have crippled our space program.

Hi, this is Governor Gatling. I want to speak to Warden Roberts, please.

Out! Out!

He's out of town?

Cut it off! Off!

For how long?

Well, he never said anything about this to me. I'd better talk to whoever's in

charge. Benson must be all right. The warden's on vacation.

To Argentina.

Hello, yes, this is Governor Gatling. I have a man in your prison undercover,

and I want to have him released.

His name?

Oh.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

Sir, come on. Benson's in prison, and you can't remember his name? No, no, no.

thought something like this might happen, and I...

You wrote it down somewhere. No, no. I worked up a memory trick.

See, I see Benson in a cell. And cells have bars. And in Las Vegas, they call

bars lounges. And those lounges usually have entertainment.

And the entertainment's usually a singer.

And the singer's usually Jerry Vale.

And Jerry Vale always sings ballads. Oh, that's it! Ballads!

Yes,

this is really the governor.

Did the governor call me yet?

No, but the president's been trying to reach you.

Hey, wait up. I'll go with you.

Hey, if you guys are looking for the guard, he went that way.

But he'll be right back.

Dr. Death, Axeman, Mad Dog, be reasonable.

What am I saying?

Valerie, when they told me you were still here, I lost my appetite.

I had to sell my dinner.

Man, obviously, there's been some sort of mix -up.

Yeah, you mixed me up with a fool.

You don't work for no governor.

No, listen, it is true. I do work for the governor. I cross my heart and hope

die.

Well, scratch that.

Too late, man. I gotta kill you. Well, think, Axeman. Who are they gonna blame

when they find my body? You're assuming they'll find enough to identify.

Okay, well, in that case, stick them up.

Get your hands up! Get your hands up!

I don't think you got a gun. Well, you'll be the first to find out. Right

may, dog.

I'll wait my turn.

Go ahead.

Shoot.

Axeman, I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to get upset.

What? I don't have a gun.

Come on, man. Would you kill a man for lying to you? You shoved a knife in me,

chump. No, I didn't do that. I told you. I can prove it. I can prove it

scientifically. You got it. Twenty -second. Okay?

Okay. Now, we were all standing in the yard. Remember?

Now, you be me. I was standing over here when everybody saw me with the spoon.

Use the shoe for the spoon.

Dr. Death, you be the ax man. I don't want to get stabbed.

It's just a shoe, stupid.

Now,

Mad Dog, you get there.

Who am I?

You yourself, baby.

All right.

Now, you all know who you are.

I'm you.

I'm him.

I'm me. Now, begin.

Begin what?

Begin to figure out how you fell for that trick.

Someday we'll look back on all this and laugh.

Get over there!

Right this way, Governor.

Benson! Governor, where have you been?

Well, I forgot the name I gave you, see, and then things got confused.

Is he really the governor? Well, of course I am. How about that?

Ain't no hard feelings, Ballard, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Let's be friends, man. Two minutes ago, you were trying to kill me. I

don't want to be your friend. Then what was all that bull about better

conditions? It's not bull.

No, if Benson says you need better conditions, that's what you'll get.

It's our responsibility to treat you like a human being, whether you act like

one or not.

First, we're going to get the warden five to ten for misappropriation of

Solid. Right.

On.

So long, Axeman, Mad Dog, Dr. Death.

So long, Ballard.

Harry? Is that you?

I was kind of hoping you wouldn't recognize me, Gene.

You know him?

Sure. He used to work for me back at the mill.

That wasn't a very nice thing you did with that chainsaw.

Chainsaw? I can't believe I never told you that story. I can't believe you

think I want to hear it.

Was I supposed to?

We'd be in great trouble if those were real UFOs. Please, Krause, there's no

such thing as UFOs. Don't I say there are UFOs? Who do you think built the

pyramids? Civil servants.

There are many things we do not understand, Benson.

How about Atlantis?

Or the Bermuda Triangle? Or Leonard Nimoy?

Now, Kraus, you don't believe in that stuff.

I sure do.

Maybe you're right.

That wouldn't explain your presence on Earth.