Original subtitles

Kraus, Kraus, Kraus, could you stop that infernal racket? I'm trying to work

over here.

I'm sorry, Benson, I can't... I'm so excited. This is the first wedding in

mansion since I have been here.

And when Marcy asked me to be her maid of honor, I almost died.

Almost doesn't count.

Oh, Lord, I forgot to call the photographer.

No, I called him yesterday.

Oh, Gerson, that coffee smells wonderful.

How was Dan's bachelor party last night, Benson?

I left early to come to work.

Oops, these are for you.

No, they're not.

Gretchen, I thought you might want to pick out the color of the bridesmaid's

dresses. Oh, just think of it.

In less than a week, I'm going to be Dan's bride.

You know, I think all this has been part of a greater plan.

If all those guys hadn't ditched me, I wouldn't be here for Dan.

That is a beautiful way of looking at it, Marcy. That is the only way of

at it, Gretchen.

Have you arranged for the music, Benson?

Yeah, how about some music?

Yeah, it's all taken care of. What about getting people from the airport?

Yeah, what about the drivers?

Did you call for them?

Yes, I did.

Did you call the florist?

Art visit, Benson?

Yes, I call the florist. Then where are the flowers?

Yeah, where are they? Waiting to be picked.

The wedding's next week. What do you want, flowers or compost?

Marcy, I've arranged banquets for 500 people. This is a small wedding.

I've got everything under control. What are you worrying about?

She wouldn't have to worry if somebody else were running things.

Like who?

Can't you guess who?

I'm still trying to guess what.

Hi, buddy.

Hi, darling.

Only seven more days. If you want to back out, I'll take them.

It's that chance, Shorty.

I guess I'll have to settle for flower girl.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Dan's little girl Sally is going to be the flower girl because his son's going

to be the ring bearer.

Oh.

So I guess there's nothing left for you to be.

Except a bridesmaid.

Oh, wow, a bridesmaid?

You got some heavy responsibilities there, Katie.

If Dan panics and tries to escape, you've got to tackle him and hold him

I'm going to call Debbie Falkenberg. When she hears I'm going to be

she'll waste away.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Lord, I almost forgot why I came in here.

Uh, Benson, how far have you gotten with the arrangements for the reception

supper? It's all done.

Menu, seating, place cards, everything.

Oh, good.

Except that I'm having second thoughts.

Well, marry him anyway. I already ordered the cake.

having second thoughts about that. It says that a formal dinner is so...

Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you're saying buffet.

Well, now, see, a buffet is more in keeping with the informality of the

Is it too late to change?

Yeah.

You'll do it anyway?

Yeah.

But this is it, okay? Okay, I promise. No more changes. Thanks.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Oh, Marcy. Oh, Marcy, guess what? Dan asked me to be his best man.

Well, I'm delighted, sir.

Oh, actually, I wasn't his first choice. He wanted one of the fellows who worked

with him at the TV station, but he was up in Canada making a documentary on

Tundra.

He didn't say what night it would be on.

It's too bad, because I hate to run across it accidentally.

I've never met a best man before. I came back.

clothes one time. It turned out the groom was pointing to the fellow right

to me.

Well, you made it this time. Yeah, I couldn't miss.

I was the only guy in the room.

When are your parents arriving, Marty?

Well, my mother's coming in from St. Paul on Friday, and I sent Daddy a cable

New Zealand. I'm not quite sure when he'll get here. Why is your father in

Zealand? Because Mother's in St. Paul.

My mother's a little overbearing.

My parents seem to get along better in different hemispheres.

Hello.

Just a moment, please.

It's your mother.

Maybe she's heard from Daddy.

Hi, Mom.

What do you mean, surprise?

You're at the airport here?

Inconvenient? No, no, not at all.

No, I'll pick you up right away.

I can't do that, Mother.

Because the governor's limousine is used for state business only.

Right. Yeah, I love you, too.

Okay, bye -bye.

She's four days early.

Isn't that nice your mother came early? She must be looking forward to seeing

you. I'm looking forward to seeing her, too.

Just not that much of her.

Well, I'd better get to the airport to pick her up.

Gee, I hope I didn't give you guys the wrong impression.

My mother really is a remarkable woman. She's strong and determined and positive

and aggressive.

They're all very admirable qualities.

Yeah, if you're a linebacker.

See, I don't have anything against a short veil. If you want everybody in the

room watching your chin come down the aisle.

Benson, dear, this will never do. It's a wedding, not an auction.

Well, I thought we'd see how much we could get for it.

I think you did a wonderful job, Benson.

Well, I don't.

Mother didn't mean that.

Yes, I did. I won't have you mumbling I do under the chimney.

Oh, I'm sure Benson did the best job he could.

Perhaps you don't understand the problem, Benson.

I'm beginning to.

I want Marcy to make an entrance and walk down the longest aisle we can

into this room.

Do you have any ideas, Benson?

I've got one.

I'm sure you do, and I don't blame you. Now, Marcy, never mind. Mother to the

rescue. I made out a floor plan of my own. I left it on your desk. I'll be

back. Oh, Marcy, dear.

This might be a very good time to speak to Benson about the buffet.

What about the buffet?

Oh, well, you know how a girl is just before a wedding. A little giddy, a

silly, a little scatterbrained. Changing her mind ten times a minute? Exactly.

Knowing her friends will understand.

The buffet, Marcy.

What about it?

It's been changed to a sit -down dinner, hasn't it? I think so.

When did your mother give you that idea?

Right after she decided we wouldn't be having an informal wedding.

Why don't you just say no?

Because she's my mother.

Saying no won't change that.

Vincent, you've got to understand. My mother wants this to be the perfect

wedding. Then why is she here?

I found this letter on your desk. It's from your father.

I would have read it, but I'm sure I've heard it all before.

This is the floor plan.

Thank you so very much.

Daddy never got my cable.

He left New Zealand the day before I sent it.

He's somewhere in the Fiji Islands.

What's he doing there?

Oh, Marcy's father's still trying to prove his idiotic theory that the Fiji

Islands were once part of Santa Barbara.

Who would believe something like that?

He got a government grant.

Even if I could reach him, there's no way he could get here in time for the

wedding. Well, that's just going to break his heart.

Then who's going to give me away?

Don't worry, dear. Everything will work out. There's always Uncle Henry. The one

who doesn't feel imitation?

Oh, no, dear. That's your Uncle Lou.

Uncle Henry is the stockbroker for Macron.

Good old Uncle Henry.

As you can see, I want the minister at the far end of the room and the aisle on

a diagonal from that door and all the guests facing this way.

Is that clear?

Yeah.

You want me to turn the chairs around.

Mother, I hardly know Uncle Henry.

Don't worry, dear. We'll find somebody suitable.

If worse comes to worse, I'll give you away myself.

I don't want to come down the aisle with my mother on my arm.

Well, that's better than having her on your back.

Janine, I am not trying to marry you off. I like paying you alimony. All we

left in common is my money.

But I know how much you want to see the ice show, and he just happened to have

two tickets. He's a real nice guy. Works out of his home. You've met him,

Janine. I know for a fact you've been to his house.

When your great -aunt Hester was laid out, remember?

Right, yeah, but he prefers to be called a mortician.

Hello?

That's too bad. He could have helped her with her makeup.

See, do you want to buy two tickets to the ice show tonight?

Pete, I'm getting married tomorrow.

You'll be out by ten o 'clock.

The governor wants to see you.

Excuse me, miss.

Well, yes, may I help you? Does Martha Hill work here? Well, I believe she

Why? Do you know if she fools around?

I'm afraid you'll have to marry her first.

It's a terrible price to pay, but I'm desperate.

Sorry, but you'll have to leave us alone now. The day before a girl's wedding is

the busiest day of her life. Mother, he just got here.

Oh, Marcy, you'll have all your lives to be together.

Besides, Dan has to get a haircut. Don't you, Dan?

I do whatever I'm told.

The most important quality in a husband.

I will call you later.

Oh, tell the barber nothing fancy. We don't want you looking prettier than

Marcy.

Now, Marcy, dear, is there any way I can help you on your wedding night? Take

the night off, Mom.

I meant hotel reservations.

Plane tickets.

Yes, I know you did, dear. Dad's taking care of all that. You don't need to

worry. Oh,

Benson. Hi there.

Would you please arrange to have a security guard posted at the gift table

tomorrow? Why?

Aren't you concerned with someone making off with the gifts?

Oh, no, we didn't invite any congressmen.

Benson, I want a security guard.

We don't need one. But I want one.

I'm afraid not.

Mother. Never mind. I'll talk to the governor.

Mother, you can't just barge in there. What a bet.

When they made mother, they broke the mold.

Good. She's the last of her kind.

I'll say if you want to see me about something.

Yeah, I have a favor I want to ask you. Come on, Marcy. If it's about changing

back to the buffet, forget it.

Elope. I'll send a pizza to your motel.

Sit down. I want to ask you something.

No, your mother cannot perform the ceremony.

I would like you to give me away at my wedding.

Why me?

Because I love you.

Thank you.

But you must have a relative, you can ask. Well, I got lots of relatives. It's

just that I don't know any of them. I don't want a stranger to give me away.

I want it to be a friend, somebody I care about.

I want it to be you.

Well?

Okay, what do I have to do?

Nothing. All you have to do is walk me down the aisle and make sure I don't

trip. Okay, I'll give you away. It'll be my pleasure. Oh, thanks, Benson.

I'll give you away on one condition.

What's that? That Dan doesn't give you back.

Well,

Marcy, having a last fling?

Benson's agreed to stand in for my father and give me away at my wedding.

Uh -huh.

You think anybody will notice?

Well, I suppose I should say something nice.

I'm thinking... By the time he comes up with something, you'll be on your

honeymoon. I'll see you later.

Well, well, well. This wedding becomes more fascinating with every passing

moment.

Now, the security is all arranged.

Oh, Clayton, don't forget the rehearsal this afternoon at four o 'clock.

I'll be there, Louise.

And may I congratulate you on your meticulous organization of this most

event. Thank you.

It is a pleasure to have you in the wedding party. No, no, no. The pleasure

mine. Believe me, I'm looking forward to tomorrow afternoon.

Are you?

Yeah, I look fabulous in a tuxedo.

What a charmer.

Oh, yes.

Mother, sit down for a minute. Oh, yes, there's still a lot to do. Mom, I

finally decided who's going to give me away.

Oh, good dear, who is it?

Benson.

I said Benson.

What an interesting idea.

That thought never crossed my mind.

But really, dear, how will it look in the St. Paul Dispatch, a picture of you

coming down the aisle with a man who isn't even a relative?

You mean a black man?

Color has nothing to do with it. Oh, Mother, come on.

I'm talking about position.

It would be a different story if you were Jesse Jackson.

Or even Reggie Jackson.

Marcy, dear, I don't object to Benson being black.

It's just that he is not a member of the family and he's not prominent, so we'll

just have to find someone else.

Fine. While you're coming up with one of our prominent black relatives, I'll be

coming down the aisle with Benson.

Murphy, I'm warning you. If you substitute Benson for the father of the

you'd better get a substitute for the mother of the bride.

Because I'm not coming to the wedding.

You are doing that all wrong.

You want to iron it? Only if you're in it.

With so many wrinkles, they will think a prune is marching down the aisle.

Not if you get your beauty sleep.

Oh, yeah?

Well, when I make my entrance as a maid of honor tomorrow, all heads will turn.

Yeah, toward the wall.

That's not bad.

Looks like an unmade bed.

Time to hit the road to dreamland.

First a hot bath, then brush the teeth, then the floss.

Well, if I don't need a countdown, just blast off.

Good night, father of the bride.

Good night, maid of honor.

Hi. Oh, hi, Marcy.

I thought you'd be at home in front of a mirror practicing ID.

I've been practicing that since I was six. I've got it down cold.

I need to talk to you again.

Don't you got jitters?

That's normal.

It's my mother.

That's not normal.

He says if you give me away, she won't come to the wedding.

He's called my uncle Henry in Akron. He's flying in tomorrow.

He's her brother. She wants to keep it in the family.

Well, it was a big deal. There's no problem.

The problem is me.

Why can't I stand up to her?

Well, look, I hate to admit it, but for once she's right. It should be family.

No, Benson, it should be who I want.

It should be you.

Oh, Marcy, what difference does it make who gives you away?

As long as we get rid of you.

I feel awful.

Okay, okay.

Sorry. It's okay, it's okay. I know.

You just got caught in the middle, that's all.

Why don't you just get home and get some sleep?

You don't want your eyes red on the happiest day of your life.

I'll see you on the receiving line.

Thanks for being so understanding.

Well... Could have been worse. She could have changed it back to a buffet.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay.

Well, I must say it's a beautiful day for a wedding, huh, Dad?

Dad?

Oh, I'm fine.

Have some water. You'll feel better.

No, thank you.

Rarely have I seen such a complete state of withdrawal.

When are you going to get dressed, Clayton? Oh, not until the very last

sir. I don't like to sit down in the pants. It makes the back of my knees all

wrinkly.

I'm fine.

Governor, the minister's here.

Oh, good.

I'm getting married today.

He's very nervous. You think he's all right?

Say, I do.

I do. He's fine.

Told you.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Marcy. Benson's here.

For you.

Yes, Marcy.

Okay, I'll be right up.

Marcy wants to see me in her office. Why didn't she just stick her head in?

We're all decent.

No, sir, it's bad luck for the bride to see the groom before the ceremony.

I've never understood the reason for that custom until now.

Oh, Benson.

I know.

You're fine.

Benson, I'd like you to meet my Uncle Henry.

It's a pleasure to meet you. Nice to meet you.

You know, I'm sorry for the part I played in all this. I had no idea what

going on when Louise called me.

I've told him everything.

My sister takes a little getting used to.

Of course, most people don't bother.

Anyway, I'm sorry for what happened.

Oh, it's all right. Nothing to apologize for. Besides, you look better in a

tuxedo than I do.

Vincent, you don't understand.

Marcy, what are you doing here?

The guests have started to arrive.

You go upstairs this very minute and start getting ready.

No.

Did you say no?

It sounded like no to me.

I heard no.

Mother, I'm not going anywhere until this gets straightened out. Now, I

sleep at all last night thinking about how badly I treated Benson.

I should have stopped all this right at the beginning. Now, just a minute. Look,

Mother.

This is my wedding.

And Benson's going to give me away.

Now, if you can't handle that, I'm sorry.

Very well.

But I'm going home.

Have a safe trip, Mother. Come off it, Louise. You know damn well you're not

going to miss the wedding.

You are going to give me away, aren't you? Whatever you say. I'm not going to

cross you.

Smart man.

Gee, Clayton, you're right. You do look fabulous in a tux.

I like the way that one shows off your socks.

Sir, the dry cleaner sent the wrong one.

Well, there's a bright side. Think how silly Mickey Rooney's gonna look in

yours.

Peter, a short joke from you is redundant.

What does that mean? You are a short joke.

We're ready.

Where's the groom?

Oh. Thank you

I can't believe this is really happening.

Believe it.

A very pale man down there intends to marry you.

Get up, Mother. You'll miss it.

We're gathered together on this happy occasion to join you in marriage.

an honorable institution which is ended into by an exchange of vows.

Who gives this woman in marriage?

I do.

And her mother.

Do you, Daniel, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love,

and respect, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you, Marsha, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love,

honor, and respect in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Your ring, please.

For as you both have consented in matrimony and acknowledged the same

this company, I, by virtue of the authority vested in me, do hereby

you husband.

And wife.

Yay!

Well, Mother, our little girl has all grown up.

You and Dan looked so happy at the reception last night. The part I liked

was when Marcy threw the bouquet.

Yeah, sure.

You caught it.

You're getting pretty slow there, Cross.

How did I know Marcy would throw a grounder?

Did that really mean I'll be the next one married?

You'd be way ahead of anybody in this room.

I'm gonna go call Debbie Falkenberg and tell her I'm the next one getting

married.

And maybe she will be. and maybe she won't be.

What does that suppose to mean?

Uncle Henry is a widower and at the reception he was very sweet to me.

There's a champagne.

Oh, yeah?

Well, not only was he sweet, he made an advance.

Well, I certainly hope you had the decency to give him his money back.