Original subtitles

Good morning, Benson.

Good morning.

Hard at work, I see.

Ah, just as I thought, the sports page.

Why don't you read something that will improve your mind, like the horoscope?

I don't believe in that stuff.

Ah, you must be Taurus the Bull.

You must be Kraus the Crab.

Benson, this telegram just arrived for you. Thank you, Marty.

Aren't you going to open it? Later.

I don't have time to sit around reading like some people.

Is she referring to me?

How can you not open a telegram?

Where's it from?

I don't know. I didn't open it.

Bavaria.

You peeked. Well, if they don't want you to peek, they shouldn't put those

little cellophane windows on the front of the envelope.

Busy day, Marthy. Attorney General Prine just called. He's had to resign for

reasons of health.

Reasons of health? It says here he's been indicted.

Yes, and he's sick about it.

No skin off your nose, sir. You didn't appoint Prine, so how can you look bad?

Pete, any time a public servant betrays his trust, it makes us all look bad.

Well, that is a very attractive picture, Mr. Prine.

He always was a snappy dresser.

Yeah, that's a smart -looking hat he's holding in front of his face.

I don't want you worrying about this, sir.

I'll put out a release saying that although the governor worked closely

attorney general for two years, he never really liked him.

Well, Clayton, we'd better snap to it. We've got to get up a list of possible

replacements. Yes, sir.

Marcy, we're liable to be burning the midnight oil on this one, so if you have

any plans, flush them.

Hot damn!

I have great news.

Oh, what is it, Gretchen? My Aunt Hilda died.

I'm very sorry to hear that, Krauss. How much longer do you expect to be in

mourning?

and had been ill for many years. May she rest in peace.

The surprising thing is she has mentioned me in her will. I don't know

hardly knew me.

Maybe that's why.

I am an heiress, Marcy.

That's wonderful, Gretchen. What's she leave you in the will? I don't know. It

says a letter will follow.

Also, I must go to Bavaria to sign the papers.

Well, hot damn!

This area must be just beautiful this time of year. Yeah, it is the hunting

season.

Do they wear those cute little lederhosen and go hunting for wild

are no turkeys in Bavaria. But there's one on the way.

Keep the cheer.

Frankie's here. Frankie, what do you want?

I brought a letter over from Miss Krause, and I thought, since I was

You'd pitch a few jokes to the governor. Frankie, sit down.

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Frankie, let me tell you something.

I like you.

Now, that may come as a surprise to you.

I know it does to me.

You're a good messenger and a nice kid. I like everything about you except your

jokes. But they're funny.

They're not funny, Frankie. The governor is not going to hire you. He does not

need jokes in his speeches. His speeches are jokes.

But, Benson, I have a dream.

Then wake up!

It's no crime not to be funny. Lots of very important people weren't funny.

Benson... Frankie!

Don't bother to get up. I can throw myself up.

Hi, Frankie.

You ought to hear a joke.

Not if it's one of yours.

Marcy! The letter arrived.

About the inheritance?

Yeah, it's wonderful.

Better than my wildest dream.

Well, it really must be something, because her wildest dream is about a

of Vikings.

I want to share this with you. Read it and weep.

Aunt Hilda has left me her guest house in the Bavarian Alps. It's a little inn

with a restaurant downstairs.

And over the front door there is this huge clock.

Cuckoo? Ja, und it is... Out in the front.

There is a wishing bell. The townspeople drop in a fennec and wish for power. At

the end of the day, you have to shovel it out.

Oh, Gretchen, it sounds so romantic.

When do you have to be there for the reading of the will? Is it immediately

soon to hope for?

I don't know. I stopped reading when I got to the thought about the wishing

bell. Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this, Krauss.

In order to inherit said property, the beneficiary must remain on the premises

as resident owner.

I think they're asking you to move to Germany.

What?

Well, I won't do it. Wait, wait.

Otherwise, that property passes to Olden Adair. Heidi Krause.

In that case, I'll think about it.

Who's Heidi?

My cousin.

Wouldn't she love to get her big mitts on that property?

No, Gerson, you just can't move to Germany. All your friends are here.

Benson, tell her she can't go.

Benson.

I'm trying to, Marcy. It just won't come out.

Perhaps I should go.

I am in the August of my life.

Soon will come September, and it will be time to gather up the nuts for winter.

You know what I'm saying?

Do you?

I'm talking about security in my old age.

I must think this through.

Jackson, do you think she'll go?

Not when she realizes how happy it'd make me.

I cannot go back to Germany.

Yeah, well, wait a minute now, Kraus. You don't want to make a decision that

going to regret the rest of my life.

Hard cheese, Benson.

I'm going with my gut feeling, and in my gut, I am an American.

Believe me, Kraus, you're an alien.

I know. I saw the movie.

Oh, Miss Kraus, didn't I just hear Benson talking?

Yeah, but he didn't say anything, as usual.

He went to bed.

Oh, that's too bad. I was looking forward to talking to someone.

I've just been tossing and turning, trying to make up my mind who to pick

the Attorney General. I just can't get to sleep.

I have the same problem.

Oh, well, thanks, Miss Krause, but picking the new Attorney General is

job.

Besides, you have enough to do.

Um, Governor, I would like to speak to you about becoming a citizen.

Well, I already am a citizen, Miss Brown.

You can't be governor unless you're a citizen.

Well, that is what I want to be.

Well, fine, but you will have to become a citizen first.

That is what I am trying to tell you, sir.

I would like to become a citizen of the United States.

Good. I think you've made an excellent choice. It's my favorite country.

Tell me, Miss Krause, why, after all these years, have you suddenly decided

become a citizen?

Well, I remember the first year I was in this country, I watched the Fourth of

July parade from my window.

Haven't missed one since.

And I just realized that all those years I watched from my room where I really

wanted to be was down on the curb with a flag in my hand.

You see, sir...

I don't want to watch from my window anymore. I want to be part of the

Congratulations, Miss Krause.

Of course, you have to file a declaration of intent and then wait for

naturalization test.

They ask you questions about our government and history. There's a lot to

You think you can do it?

Ja. I mean, yes.

Well, maybe Benson can help you.

It would be the first time Benson has ever done anything for me.

I'll put your name on the waiting list for the moon shuttle.

Vance and Miss Prowse have decided to become a citizen. Isn't that wonderful

news? Yes, sir.

When the word gets out, there'll be dancing in the streets. I don't think

go that far.

I don't mean here, sir. I mean in Germany.

Captain James Lawrence on June the 1st, 1813.

Right again.

Gretchen, how'd you know that? She was there.

American history has always fascinated me. She has a whole shelf full of

books. I'm going in to watch the news.

The news?

One thing's for sure, you're not going to have any trouble with that

test tomorrow.

Benson, what is this?

What did you get hold of it? I gave it to him. I want an itemized accounting

the Thursday reception, not just the alleged total figure.

I know that, Clayton. Then why didn't you do a breakdown?

Because I haven't had a chance to get all the receipts together.

I lost them.

Stay out of it, Kraut. I can take care of myself, Benson. You lost the

Then how on earth did you come up with the figure of $1 ,584 .70?

I remembered what everything cost. I have it all in my head. Oh?

So?

Let's have it.

Uh, well, uh, there was the rental of the extra chairs.

And, um, the florist?

A dollar and cents, Kraus. I want the numbers. The suppliers are sending the

receipts, Clayton. I'll handle it. Come on, Kraus. I haven't got all day. Stop

pushing me. You're making me nervous. Clayton, she's got a lot on her mind

now. Really?

Seems like a total blank to me.

You two ought to get your stories straight.

Sorry, Gretchen. He treated you very badly. He should have.

Costs, sheets are my responsibility.

You don't hand them in. I do.

And if those receipts don't match this figure, he's really going to get on your

case. Well, when my memory is working, it is perfect.

You're telling me you've got a perfect memory when you can't remember your

middle name.

Oh, yeah?

There's a meat produce and baked goods came to $334 .85.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

$334 .85.

The liquor cost was $754 .90.

Furniture rental and floors, $315 .25.

Bongo drum player, 90 bucks even.

Okay, is that it?

No. My middle name is Wilhelmina.

Klaus, that comes to $1 ,495.

You're $89 .70 short.

Adds a 6 % sale tax, dummy.

On the nose.

Well, good for you, Gretchen.

So why didn't you do that with Clayton instead of Benson?

I don't know. It could be that Clayton makes me nervous while Benson only makes

me nauseous.

Is Miss Cross back yet? Not yet, sir. I want to be here to congratulate her. It

isn't every day we get to welcome a new citizen to this country.

Try and tell them that in Miami.

Naturalized anyway.

Well, you know how in some places the hamburgers aren't all meat, but they

call them hamburgers?

I can't wait to hear the end of this one.

They add soy meal to the meat, but it looks like hamburger and it tastes like

hamburger, so it's sort of naturalized hamburger.

So Miss Crack is going to become something she wasn't before?

Right. Now she's a citizen.

But she's still a hamburger.

She'll be back by now. I'm going to go see if they're here.

Keep it a secret, but I'm thinking of giving Miss Krause a little party

Would you come?

Will she be there?

Oh,

good. Congratulations, Miss Krause. You're no longer the wretched refuse of

teeming shore.

What happened?

She didn't make it.

Gretchen failed the test.

Oh, how's Miss Krause?

Not good.

She's talking about going back to Germany, but I don't think she means it.

don't get it.

She knew all that stuff cold.

Oh, I saw it coming.

The minute the immigration officer walked into the room, she was just a

of nerves.

And when he asked her the first question, she couldn't remember her own

And she drew a blank.

Mm -hmm.

Just like she did when Clayton pressed her for those receipts.

Certain people just seemed to intimidate her.

I wish I was one of them.

It's not that unusual to panic when faced with a test. I know I do.

Me too. I really fall apart under pressure. I always did.

I remember on my honeymoon, I ended up sleeping in the lobby.

Oh, Miss Cross, I'm so sorry about the test. Better luck next time.

There will be no next time.

I thought you wanted to become a citizen.

It's a free country. I have so high to change my mind.

Gretchen, you've got to take the test again.

You know, the same thing happened to me my first year of college.

Every time I had an exam, I drew a blank. So what'd you do?

I failed.

But I didn't quit. I dealt with the problem and I graduated with my class.

How did you do it?

I decided to study.

I have a little trick.

that I use when I'm trying to remember things. Word association.

For example, suppose you were to ask me who was the fourth president of the

United States.

Well, the first thing I'd think of would be the fourth grade.

And then I'd think of...

Daisy Kaufman used to sit next to me.

And when I think of a daisy, I think of a flower.

And when I think of flower, I think of a smell. When I think of a smell, I think

of a nose.

And when I think of a nose, I think of Barbra Streisand. When I think of Barbra

Streisand, I think of Hello, Dolly. And when I think of Dolly, I think of Dolly

Madison, who was married to James Monson, who was the fourth president of

United States.

Wasn't he?

I think it would be easier to go back to Germany.

Benson, you're no quitter. Now take the test again.

Benson and I will help you, won't we, Benson?

Well, I don't know, Marcy, because I'm not very much on history.

As a matter of fact, I can only remember two dates.

December the 7th, 1941 and June 9th, 1959.

Well, I know December the 7th was Pearl Harbor, but what happened on June 9th?

Well, it had to do with a certain young lady named Cynthia.

That isn't in the history books.

It should be.

Miss Krause, I think it's very generous of Marcy and Benson to make the offer,

and I think you should take them up on it. What offer?

I'll tell you what, Gretchen. Not only will we help you, but this time Benson

will come along as one of your witnesses.

Marcy. Benson?

You would do that for me?

Of course he would, wouldn't you, Benson?

Well, anything to help her make up her mind.

You want me to become a citizen?

Why? Well, because, Krause, you're worthless the way you are.

Good Lord, woman.

One minute you're saying don't give up the ship, the next minute you're taking

one to Germany. I just want to know one way or the other. Tell me where you want

me to stand.

At the immigration office or down at the dock?

At the immigration office.

I don't know what I'm doing here. Well, it's just going to take a minute. You're

here to vouch for Gretchen's good character.

Won't that make my nose grow?

I don't know why there isn't anybody here.

You sure this is the right place? Yeah, this is it. Yeah, this is the very chair

where I fell apart.

Good afternoon.

Hello. Close the door, please.

We were here before, Mr. Pruitt. Remember us?

No.

Which one of you is the petitioner?

She is.

Did you fill this out by yourself?

Yeah. And you can read and write?

Yeah. Can you speak English?

Yeah.

Can I hear some of it?

What do you want me to say?

That's enough.

You two, I assume, are the character witnesses?

How long have you known the petitioner?

We've known her for two years.

Well, it seems a lot longer.

citizen, a person must be of good moral character.

To your knowledge, is the petitioner a habitual drunkard, an adulterer, a

polygamist, a gambler, a perjurer, a convict, or a murderer?

Not to my knowledge, but then what Krauss does on the weekends is a

The petitioner must demonstrate a knowledge of the history and the

the United States. Are you ready?

Ja.

What was the date of the signing of the Declaration of Independence?

It's the 4th of July.

Would you care to venture a year?

1776. Who was the American president during the War of 1812?

Who was the American president during the War of 1812?

The American president during the War of 1812 was... The one between Jefferson

and Monroe.

Yes, yes.

Oh, I can see his picture so clearly.

Now, if I could just make out what it says underneath.

I'm waiting.

Oh, now, just give her a minute. I'm sure she knows it, doesn't she, Benson?

What? You know, fourth grade.

Oh, sure.

Come on, Krause, you've known that since the fourth grade.

I have?

Yeah. When you sat next to Daisy Kaufman, she wore a flower.

You used to smell it with your nose, which reminds you of Barbra Streisand.

James Madison.

Thank you.

During the Civil War, who was the president of the Confederacy?

Yeah.

Not Lincoln, but the other guy.

It's a one piece of funny money.

Robert E. Lee's boss.

Do you know it, don't you? Yeah.

Did you study at all? Yeah, I got it all inside. I just can't get it.

out. Then perhaps you'd better come back another time. No, I have already been

back another time.

Oh, Martha, what am I going to do? I'm so nervous, I can't think.

Well, nothing new in that, is there, Kraus?

She's wasting your time. She doesn't know anything about this country.

Yeah, I do.

Then why can't you remember it?

Now, wait a minute.

Kraus, you're an incompetent. You can't even remember your own middle name. Now,

listen, Benson.

Any idiot ought to be able to name the president of the Confederacy.

Jefferson Davis became president of the Confederate States of America on

February 9th, 1861.

Oh, she probably

looked at the answer. She can read upside down, you know. Let me hold that.

Who secured passage of the Missouri Compromise? Henry Clay.

Is that right?

That's what it says here.

This one will get her.

In 1823, Secretary of State John Quincy Adams created a policy which... The

Monroe Doctrine.

That's right.

The charge of San Juan Hill... Its real name was Cattle Hill, and it was led by

Theodore Roosevelt, who later became the 26th president.

Oh, that's very good, Miss Krause. Really excellent.

She got lucky.

Now, let's turn to the Constitution.

Which page?

It's simply a question of which is more important, swearing in the new attorney

general or congratulating the help.

Clayton, we have half an hour, and off the record, congratulating Miss Krause

more important to me.

Oh, Katie, Miss Krause is going to love this.

Thanks, Daddy.

Here, you can help blow up the balloons. Oh, good. Here you are, Clayton.

Oh, sir, I'd really rather not.

I am nothing against a certain amount of controlled frivolity. Blow!

Oh, this would have made great picture coverage. Why didn't somebody tell me?

Because we didn't find out Miss Cross had passed the test until 15 minutes ago

when Marcy called.

Have a balloon.

We're back.

Congratulations!

Oh, thank you deeply.

Well, how does it feel to be an American citizen?

It is a great honor, an honor and a privilege.

We're so happy for you, Gretchen. Thank you.

You know, when I came over here, the first thing I saw was a Statue of

holding up a torch.

And then I noticed in her other hand she held a book.

Well, I think today when I signed the paper that made me a citizen, I wrote my

name in that book.

It's right there with your names.

All of your families came from somewhere else.

I just got here a little late.

Well, we're very glad you decided to stay.

Oh, so am I.

After all, some of my best friends are Americans.

Welcome

aboard,

Miss Krause. Don't forget to register to vote.

I think you're also entitled to a library card.

Well, it's so exciting.

Let's get champagne!

Congratulations, Krause. Thank you, Benson.

I know what you did for me.

Without your help, I would not have passed the test.

Thanks to you, I am now a citizen of the United States.

Well, there goes the neighborhood.

Mail.

Here's a postcard for you, Gretchen. What does it say? I haven't the

idea. I'll bet.

It's in German.

She has invited me to spend ten days at the inn as a special discount off

-season rate.

Hey, not bad.

Yeah, except that right now is the off -season.

Well, you know how those foreigners are, Kraus.

Always trying to take advantage of us Americans.

Sure said it.

Would you like some coffee, Benson?

Thank you very much, Gretchen. You know, I think the events of the last couple

of days have brought us all a little closer together. I mean, you two are

actually being nice to each other.

So I think it's about time you finally admitted your friends.

What do you say? Why don't you shake on it?