All language subtitles for benson_s02e03_fools_gold

Benson, I think you're blanked.

What are you doing?

The insurance company wants pictures of
the antiques in case of fire or sex.

Who'd want to steal something that ugly?

Where are you going, Frankie? See the
governor.

Are you not?

But the historical society's coming to
dinner. Got some great jokes the

can use.

You want to hear them? You're not a joke
writer, Frankie. You're a messenger.

Please, I'm a curry. Then go curry.

Come on, Benson. What harm can it do?

Give him a chance, okay?

Well, okay.

Thanks, Benson.

Go ahead, Frankie.

I'll be in my room. Let me know when
it's over.

History jokes, right?

Do you know what Custer's last words
were?

Does anybody here speak Indian?

Moving right along.

Why did Washington throw a dollar across
the Potomac?

His horse is too big.

You don't like Washington. I'll do a
Lincoln.

Do a Nixon and get out.

Get back to work. I'm sick and tired of
covering for you.

What's this ugly thing doing here?

At the moment, she's looking at a candy
dish.

Charles, I need your help up here. I've
got to photograph these things on the

mantel. Hold this for us for me. Even a
simple job like this, and you can't do

it without me.

Charles, please get out of the picture.
This is not my camera, and I don't want

to break it.

Let me have that.

Oh, look, here comes my hand.

Isn't that amazing? Look at all those
fingers.

I always was photogenic.

What was that?

What, that little cherub? Yeah, it's
crooked.

This one isn't like that.

Oh, it was always like that. I tried to
straighten it, but it wouldn't budge.

Well, let me try. Hold that.

Addressed to somebody named Dolly.

Aren't you going to open it?

No, I'm going to let the governor open
it. Why?

He's got a letter opener.

I had no idea there was a secret
compartment in the mantelpiece.

There's a lot of things they don't tell
you when you become governor. I didn't

find out that there was a dimmer switch
on my bedroom light till last week.

See, in those days, the governor wore a
big ring and he just pressed it down on

the wax to make his seal.

I wish I'd gotten one of those.

Governor, we're all very anxious to find
out what's inside.

Well, I should think so.

All right, here we go.

Boy, this is exciting.

Well?

It's to Dolly, all right.

Everybody ready?

Yes!

My darling Dolly, would I might express
these words in person, but I know you

are off riding again.

How I envy your horse. I never thought I
could be jealous of a gelding.

What's a gelding?

A gelding is a horse that isn't all
that.

Oh, crazy, huh?

Well, it made me crazy.

My dear one, the times grow precarious.

I stand accused of theft, embezzlement,
and vote buying.

Should the people see through my
denials, I shall be forced to take

that eventuality, remember the riddle I
taught you. The solution will lead you

to $10 ,000 in gold I have sequeted here
in the mansion.

$10 ,000?

Hot damn!

Well, you got Krause's interest.

Is there more?

I remain your ardent swaying icky.

This letter must have been written by
Governor Ichabod Broome.

Get that book on history of the state.
Ah, there's a postscript.

Tell that young stable boy, Philippe,
that my best horse must be ready to ride

on a moment's notice.

Here it is.

Governor Ichabod Broome held office from
1840 to 1840?

Yes, I'm afraid he had to leave office
rather suddenly.

And painfully. He was tired and
feathered and hung by the neck until

Just like me and my ex -wife, Janine.
The man always gets it in the neck and

wife ends up with the loot.

Well, how could Dolly have ended up with
all the loot if she never got the

letter? The seal was unbroken, remember?

I never thought of that. I know this is
difficult for you, Peter, but try to

keep up.

Ethan, the gold is still here. Forget
it. That was over a hundred years ago.

The mansion's been rebuilt three times.
Somebody must have found that gold a

long, long time ago.

Nobody found the letter.

Right. then the possibility remains that
the gold is still here.

You're wasting your time. You're not
going to find any gold.

For the last 140 years, nobody's lived
in this house but politicians.

I'm surprised we still haven't got the
silverware.

I know what I'd do if I had that gold.

What, honey?

I'd go to McDonald's, buy a billion
burgers, and watch them change the

the sign.

I do. If I had $10 ,000, I'd go off on a
long, long boat trip.

What would you buy, Benson?

A long, long torpedo.

What are you going to buy, Micey? She
isn't going to buy anything, Katie,

because there's no gold in this house.

And I'd appreciate it if you all would
stop talking about it so I can get some

work done.

What did you do? Dress yourself this
morning?

Where have you been?

Are you in the... basement. What are you
doing in the basement?

Hey, look around.

Oh? Hey, don't worry. I didn't find
anything.

You think the gold's hidden in the
basement? Not anymore. I don't, but I'm

giving up. I gotta find some way to pay
for my divorce.

Listen, if I should find it, don't tell
Janine until after the settlement.

I'm gonna go try the attic.

Ah, Peter.

Sleeping in the car again?

Good afternoon, Benson.

What are you after, Clayton?

I have just had a most fascinating
conversation with my broker.

It seems that Governor Broome's $10 ,000
in gold would be worth, at today's

prices... Are you ready?

$437 ,500!

Clayton, Clayton, I just got this mob
quieted down.

Those figures are fact. Now let us enter
the realm of speculation.

In 1840, most of our gold was in the
form of coins.

In 1970, there was a single gold coin
that sold for $23 ,000.

At that rate, Governor Broome's little
nest egg would be worth, conservatively,

$5 million.

Do you know what this means?

Yeah.

I have a huge stack of mail on my desk.

Your desk is that way.

I don't care.

Well, see you later.

Where are you going, Cross? We've got 20
people coming in for dinner tomorrow

night. So? I'll check them out for
dinner.

Oh, you people.

I know, Benson, the chances of finding
it are very slim.

But there might be five million dollars
in gold hidden somewhere in the mansion.

Think about it.

Mecca's that way.

I'm looking for a contact lens. Oh,
yeah? I didn't know you wore contact

Oh, I do when I can find them.

I'll search for it later.

Pete? Yeah?

Who moved the painting?

What painting?

This painting.

Oh, uh, yeah.

You know anything about that hole?

Oh, yeah, that was an accident.

I heard this hollow sound, so I tapped
again and the wall crumbled.

You do that with your finger?

No, with this.

I was walking along, and I tripped. Over
what?

The chimney.

The chimney? What in the world were you
doing on the roof, woman? I know what

she was doing. She was looking for the
gold.

On the roof?

I was acting on a hunch.

You see, in the old days, when the
Hessians attacked, my great

their valuables on the roof.

Why? The Hessians were ferocious on the
ground, but they had a fear of heights.

That is why they all rode Shetland
ponies.

Why am I listening to this?

Why am I asking you?

A metal detector?

I don't believe this.

You're just jealous because you didn't
think of it first.

Good morning, Marcy. Morning, everybody.
What happened to you? Car break down?

stopped to do a little gardening out
front.

Gardening? Well, sort of.

Actually, I noticed this mound on the
front lawn, and just out of idle

curiosity, I started digging. With your
bare hands?

Yes. Did you find anything?

Yes. Well, what was it?

A shoebox with a dead squirrel in it.

Wait till Katie finds out you dug up
Corky.

Will you people come to your senses?

Now, the first person who mentions gold
again...

I know where we can find the gold.

Well, the second person.

Tell us, sir, how do you figure out
where the gold is? All right. Now, let

see. How do I make a long story short?

Have somebody else tell it.

Sir, where is the gold? Oh, I'm getting
to that. I'm getting... Now!

couldn't stop thinking about Icky's
letter. So I called the state archives

had them send over everything they had
on Governor Broon's administration.

And among the official papers, I found
his personal diary.

Fascinating diary. I believe he carried
it with him to the very end. You can

still see the tar and feathers on it.

We'll clean it later, sir.

What did you find in there, a map?

No, but I think I found the riddle. What
made you think so? Because written next

to it is the word riddle.

missed. He used to wax his mustache.

There's a beauty tip for you, Krauss.

Sir, the riddle. Ah, yeah.

Here it is.

When Hyperion's race is through, lesser
steeds are resting too. Through the

window in the west, let his glory come
to rest.

When the final glimmer falls, hearken,
El Dorado calls.

What does that mean, El Dorado calls?

It means the gold is in the trunk of a
Cadillac.

obviously refers to the legendary land
of gold.

Yeah, but who is this fellow Hyperion?

Hyperion was the Greek god who pulled
the sun across the sky in his chariot.

Oh, that Hyperion.

Oh, that's very good, Clayton. What does
the rest fit me? I don't know yet,

which I find rather comforting, because
if I can't figure it out, then sure as

hell none of you can.

May I see that page, sir? Don't let him
see it, sir.

He will memorize it and then swallow it.

Oh, well, then, Clayton, maybe I better
let you see it last.

Here, Batson.

When Hyperion's race is through, lesser
steeds are resting, too.

What do you think? I think they hung
this fellow for his poetry.

I'll take that. I'll flip you for it.
Watch it, Clayton. She isn't talking

a coin.

Let me have it.

Why don't we all put our heads together,
we figure this thing out, then we split

the money evenly. How does that sound?
This isn't an Easter egg hunt, Peter.

This is hardball, strictly finders
keepers.

Yeah, I know what you're all trying to
do. You're trying to cut me out.

After I pioneered expeditions to the
basement and the attic.

Good deal. You came up with zilch.

Yeah, well, at least I don't dig up
squirrels. That's really... I haven't

that hole in yet, Pete, so watch it.

We can't just stand here. They'll kill
each other.

I know, sir, but there's always a chance
that Clayton will be the first to go.

Now, I won't have any more of this
squabbling.

If there is a treasure here in this
mansion, and if one of you should find

you split it evenly with the others.

Good thinking, Governor. I couldn't
agree with you more. All in favor?

No.

Suppose Clayton finds a five million,
doesn't tell the rest of us.

Well, we could always do it the
democratic way.

You mean appoint a subcommittee and
spend seven million to find the five?

That is one way, but I was thinking more
of a system of checks and balances.

I know what you're saying. You mean we
can team up and one can keep an eye on

the other. Good idea.

It dibs on Clayton.

I don't want you, Peter.

I'll carry your metal detector.

We'll see.

How about it, Vincent? Should you and I
be partners?

Okay, I trust you, Marcy. But you better
keep an eye on me.

I'll run off some copies.

We're coming with you. Oh, Clayton, it
isn't necessary.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Calm down,
everybody.

Now, we've got the Historical Society
coming to dinner here tonight.

Now, the treasure hunt is off until
after the banquet. Bunsen's right.

Marcy, you haven't even typed up my
speech for tonight.

That's because Pete and Clayton haven't
written it yet, sir. That is no excuse,

Marcy. Now, we've all got to get to
work. I want to show that Historical

a dinner they will always remember.

Though I must say, it seems to me they
have plenty to remember already.

Until this shindig is over, nobody even
mentions gold.

Krauss, what's the first course tonight?

Bullion.

Well, I thought the Historical Society
dinner was a great success.

I thought it was boring.

Oh, I didn't think they were so boring.
I was sorry to see them leave. I know,

sir. It's the first time you've finished
an after -dinner speech in the parking

lot.

Yeah, I didn't get a chance to tell them
about Governor Broome's letter and the

five million dollars.

Brilliant oversight, sir. Because if you
had, they'd still been here ripping up

the floorboards.

Isn't that amazing what people do for
money?

Human nature, sir. Yeah, but greed is
one of the seven deadly sins.

That's right up there with sloth.

Oh, hi.

Well, Marcy, what are you doing here?

I've come here to meet my partner and
start looking for the gold.

One o 'clock in the morning. We promised
to wait until after the Historical

Society dinner, but that's all we
promised.

Now, where have you two been looking?

We haven't looked anywhere.

Oh, sure.

Good evening, sir.

Peter and I thought we'd come back and
get a head start on your sales tax

proposal. That would explain why Pete's
carrying a shovel.

Hey, the library's ours.

In a pig's eye.

Are we going to take that?

Peter, mush!

Benson, how much longer is this going to
go on?

Well, let's face it, sir. Nobody's going
to be worth anything until we find out

if the gold is here or not. But the odds
against the gold still being here in

this mansion are about ten million to
one. I know. They're on a wild goose

chase. My thoughts exactly.

Of course, there is one thing we could
do to put an end to it. You and I could

team up. You mean become a part of all
this craziness? No, no, of course not.

No, I mean solve the riddle and prove
that the gold isn't here.

Well... Pardon?

If you want to.

So where do you think we should start?

Probably with these blueprints.

Benson, I know your blueprints show that
the tool shed used to be the stables,

but why are we going there?

Well, do you remember the beginning of
the poem?

I think so.

When Hyperion's race is through, lesser
steeds are resting too.

Right, right. Now, steeds means horses.
Where do horses rest?

Oh, God, at the stable.

And if you were hiding money and wanted
to make a fast getaway, where would you

hide it? In the limo.

I think I found something. Huh?

There's a coin wedged between the
floorboards.

Let me see that.

Oh, yippee.

A 1974 quarter.

Clayton, can I have that back?

Don't be petty.

I'd like to hang on to it for
sentimental reasons.

It's already mixed up with the other
change in my pocket.

Well, there's obviously nothing here.
Let's check the gazebo.

Clayton. Well, I see the two of you have
finally succumbed to the lure of the

gold. No, we just came down here for
handball.

Benson thinks he's solved the riddle.
Ah, from the movie Fat Chance.

Excuse me, Benson.

Marcy, I told you we should follow them.
The men are in cahoots. They have

teamed up against us.

Now, don't jump to any conclusions,
Gretchen. I'm sure there's a perfectly

logical explanation why the four of them
are here together.

And it better be good.

Benson thinks the gold is here.

That's good.

You're wasting your time, Benson. We
covered every inch of this place.

You could have missed it. Go ahead,
Benson.

Well, the poem says, when Hyperion's
race is through.

Now, if this guy's job is dragging the
sun through the sky, his work is through

at sunset.

Obviously. Now, what's the next part,
Governor?

Through the window in the west, let his
glory come to rest.

I figure what he's talking about is the
last rays of sunlight through the

window. Elementary, my dear Benson.
However, if you knew anything about a

compass, you would know that the only
window in this room faces south.

And if you knew anything about these
blueprints, you'd know that there used

be a window in this room and it faces
west.

Right up there.

It's been filled in.

So? Hit it, Governor.

When the final glimmer falls... And
that's the sunlight?

Harpen El Dorado calls.

That's the goal.

The last ray of sunlight marks the spot.

So all we have to do is knock a hole in
the wall and let the sunshine in.

Why don't you knock a hole in your head
and let some brains in?

It's two o 'clock in the morning. So
what do we do?

Pete, climb the ladder.

No, I can't do it, Benson. Heights make
me nauseous. Honey, you don't look,

Hessian. Give it to me.

I'll do it.

Cross, turn on the flashlight.

Marcy, turn off the lights.

Right. What now?

Aim the light at the floor.

Now, that's the sunlight.

Now, I'm going on the idea that as the
sun slowly sets in the west, the light

comes through the window, across the
floor, and up the wall. Come on. Come

Let's go up the wall here with this.

Here. Go on. Keep going.

Here you go.

Oh, hold it, Miss Crow.

Back down a little.

There's a crack in the mortar.

Oh, sir, this is one of the most far
-fetched suppositions. Oh, Clayton, can

It is cracked. It goes all the way
around.

Hey, this stone is loose.

Here, give me something to pry this out
of. Here you go, brother.

Marcy, turn on the lights.

This was Benson's discovery. You should
have the honor.

Thank you. Remember, Benson, we split it
six ways.

There doesn't seem to be anything here
but paper. That's all?

Maybe it's a check.

No, it's a letter.

Read it.

Dear Icky, when you hit the goal,
Philippe and I were watching from our

rendezvous spot, the hayloft.

By the time you read this, your trusty
stable boy, the goal...

a clipper ship bound for Spain.

Thankfully yours, Dolly.

Clipper ship bound for Spain, all that
gold and Philippe. How romantic.

I hope the ship sank.

Now I wish I'd told my ex -wife about
this.

I'd like her to share the
disappointment.

This reminds me of a time in the third
grade when Louis Ryan took my cupcake.

He went to Spain, too.

With your cupcake?

Oh, I don't think so, Benson. He was in
his 30s when he left.

Come now, people.

Be of good cheer.

Someday we'll laugh about all this.

I let you in on a secret.

If I had found that gold, I would have
retired and spent the rest of my life on

a tropical island.

I'll get you a palm tree. Will you spend
the rest of your life in your room?

Well, listen to this. The price of gold
went down.

So? So that means the treasure would
only be worth four million now.

Oh, that makes me feel a little...

Thanks, Vincent.

Gretchen. Oh, this is great.

A good day's pay for a week's work.

All these deductions.

What can I buy with what is left here?

No, you can buy those socks you always
wanted.

Vincent, have you seen the shovel? I
think Pete left it out back, Katie.

What do you want with the shovel, honey?