Original subtitles

Vincent, what are you doing just sitting here?

I'm sitting here so I don't fall there.

Is it getting cold in here? No.

I think I'm coming down with something.

Well, it's not ambition.

Well, whatever it is, I hope it's contagious.

This inventory is going to kill me.

Don't get my hopes up.

I don't know why we have to do an inventory anyway. I know what's here.

It's a state property and the governor's responsible for it. We gotta have

records. We can't rely on your memory.

I have a perfect memory.

What if something happened to you? What if you got hit by a truck?

Why do I torture myself?

Go ahead, try me.

Ask me what's here.

How many crystal dessert dishes do we have?

Plenty.

Service for plenty. I'll write that down.

Mr. Krause, do we have any more tuna fish?

Yeah, but it would spoil your lunch.

But it's not for me. It's my new kit, Napoleon.

Oh, I got something special for him at the supermarket.

Kitty liver surprise.

Looks like army food.

It says here it will keep him happy and frisky.

It certainly isn't army food.

Friend was a goat.

All this time, I thought it was your perfume.

I'm starving. Is there anything to eat? You're always starving, Pete.

Oh, look at this stuff.

There must be a thousand bucks on this table alone.

Hey, food.

I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

What a great publicity idea.

Governor sells mansion treasures to feed poor.

How's this?

Governor's aide stops eating to feed poor.

Great. It's kind of tangy. What is it?

Don't eat too much. It'll make you frisky.

Really good.

What's it called, anyway?

Kitty liver surprise.

You mean I'm eating pet food? Step up from your regular diet, huh?

Yes, I'm going to go brush my teeth.

You don't have to. You can have a milk bowl.

Those are gifts the governor has received from important visitors, tokens

esteem and mementos.

Kittens are independent. They need time alone, away from all human contact.

Try looking in Krause's room.

Will you help me look for him?

Oh, not now, sweetheart. I don't feel well. I'll help you find him, Katie.

Your kitten is probably playing possum. My goat used to do that.

Weren't you supposed to be doing the inventory?

I am.

Chandelier. One.

My mistake. I thought you were goofing off.

It's just that I'm not feeling well. I hope I'm not coming down with the flu.

What are your symptoms?

Well, my eyes are watery.

I can't catch my breath and I feel like I'm going to pass out.

You'd be better off with the flu.

Honey, you better sit down.

Yeah. Or you better lie down.

Yeah. Put your feet up. Yeah.

Now that's for shock.

Stay here and don't move.

Isn't this where I was when you came in?

I'll get you some ice cream.

I'll be all right in a minute.

I'll leave that alone.

My point is, Governor, if that bill gets deadlocked in Senator Hunziker's

committee, we'll have to wait until the next session to reintroduce it.

Marvelous. Taking catnaps in the living room.

Why don't you just stretch out in the Governor's office?

This couch is more comfortable.

Oh, that's all right. I think this couch is more comfortable, too.

I mean, I shouldn't have been lying down. I'm not feeling well.

It's because you don't take care of yourself.

Now look at me.

No, thanks. I feel bad enough already.

You don't look very well, either.

Well, of course I do. I'm in perfect health.

Well, so am I.

Well, good. Then the two of you can carry me out.

Sir, what about Senator Hunziker?

Oh, I think we can handle Benson alone.

No, sir, I meant the bill.

You're a friend of the senator's.

Perhaps you could convince him to change his mind. Well, he's a man of

principle. He has a right to vote his convictions.

Well, let me have a go at him, sir.

I'm sure the senator has his weaknesses.

I know he's crazy about Froot Loops.

Look what I found!

What is that, an earmuff?

Close, it's an ear.

An ear?

Yeah, you remember when I went to Mexico City, they dedicated a bowl to me. This

is the bowl's ear.

That's most impressive. May I see that, sir?

Of course. As a matter of fact, I think I have some other parts in here.

Great. Now we've got a bull that comes in a kit.

Well, I'm going to let the two of you put him together while I go lie down.

Vincent, what are you doing up? I told you to lie down.

Well, I was about to when... when... When what?

What, when what? You were saying when, when you stopped. Stopped what? Stopped

talking. That's a good idea.

He doesn't look at all good.

Oh, I think you're running a temperature.

Clayton, go call my doctor. Oh, sir, can't he just take a bus to the clinic?

Clayton. Oh, all right, here.

That's his.

Put it up to your ear. You can hear Mexico City.

Lord, it looks like a... Well,

that about does it. Blood pressure's fine. Temperature's normal.

What about his heart?

Sound as a dollar.

Not bad.

I mean, it's healthy.

You mean there's nothing wrong with me? That's my diagnosis.

I want a second opinion.

Okay, you're sick.

Just kidding, just kidding.

I've examined you thoroughly, and if you're sick, your body doesn't know it.

Benson, whatever you had is gone. You're going to be just fine. Good. Unless it

comes back.

Well, maybe somebody better keep an eye on him. Well, I'll stay with you. I

thought you had a date.

Well, Marcy, you don't have to do that. Benson, how could I go out with Dan and

have a wonderful time knowing you were lying here sick?

I'll just wear that beautiful new dress on another very special occasion.

And I know Dan won't have any trouble getting rid of the tickets.

We waited four months for these.

Marcy, I'm fine.

Thank God.

But he was sick. He was shaking like a leaf. We were even afraid to move him.

All I can say is he's made a miraculous recovery.

Sorry to get you out of here on a false alarm.

No, no, nothing to apologize for. It's kind of fun making a house call once in

while.

Profitable, too.

Why don't you try to get some sleep? I'll send Miss Cross up with a bowl of

hot soup.

The last thing I need is a visit from Florence Nightmare.

You let me know if any of these symptoms reoccur. Just give me a call. Jean,

call up on Wednesday?

I'll show you out, Doctor. Oh, thank you.

Congratulations. It's the first time I've ever seen Jerome Phillips stumped.

Well, I'm not too crazy about being a medical mystery.

You know, this reminds me of a story.

No, no, no. Wait a minute.

This was a movie I saw one time. This man woke up in the morning. He's feeling

very strange.

And nobody would pay any attention to him. Oh, really? And then three days

later, he turned into a rhinoceros.

Not as funny as seeing this rhinoceros in trousers.

It wasn't a very good movie.

Wasn't a very good story, either.

Someone looks like she's been having fun.

Me and Napoleon.

Did you teach him how to plunge that tree? Uh -huh, and I only had to show

once.

Well, look who's back from the grave.

Sorry to disappoint you, Krause.

I wasn't disappointed.

I knew you were faking.

There's a message you don't get from Hallmark.

Then how do you explain how you are suddenly feeling better?

Beats the heck out of me.

Doctor says I'm in great shape. Heart's strong, blood pressure's normal. There's

absolutely no reason in the world why I should pass out.

It doesn't matter. I've seen everything.

When?

You come out or I'm going to come in after you.

You're not related to Gretchen Krause, are you?

Come on, get in that bed. You're a sick man.

I ain't sick enough to pay $180 a day for this room.

The doctor says you have to stay until we run some more tests.

Now, if you want anything, buzz the nurse's station.

But it better be important.

I'd rather die first You think I didn't hear that Just

watch your step Why do I always attract this type of woman? Couldn't you

just for once send me a sweet, intelligent, beautiful woman?

and I'm a nurse's aide. Is there anything I can do for you?

What'd you have in mind?

Come on now. You just ask if there's anything you need.

Your phone number would cheer me up.

Hello, Benson.

How are you getting along?

I was hoping you were going to tell me that. I'll see you later. How much

Oh, I have to come right back and give you your alcohol rub.

Then I guess I'll just have to lie right here and take it.

I must say you're a challenge to me. You know, usually I get broken bones,

influenza, slipped discs. You should be more careful.

I think I have it narrowed down. It could be as simple as an allergy, but I

don't have the common denominator.

Tell me about your attacks again.

Well, the first time I was in the kitchen doing the inventory with Krause,

then the next time I was in the living room with Krause, and then the next time

I was in the kitchen again and there... was Krauss.

That's it.

Krauss is your lowest common denominator.

Very possible.

It could be her hairspray or perfume, even her body chemistry, but it's too

early for a diagnosis. We'll just keep looking for an answer. Well, why go on

looking when we got one we like?

We'll run some more tests in the morning.

I'm ready, Doctor. Meanwhile, Nurse Platt here is going to take some blood.

From who?

From you. I'll see you in the morning. Maybe.

That's a little medical.

Let's go.

I suppose the only way I can stop you from doing this is drive a stake through

your heart.

Give me your arm. Do I get it back?

Do I have to have an orderly come in and strap you down?

Couldn't you take my blood some other time? Ready for your alcohol run?

Not till I take his blood.

Take it, take it.

Yes, I am still waiting.

Late 93.

says that you can fill any position.

Is that true, or should I let my fingers walk elsewhere?

I need to replace the head of household staff.

Mm -hmm.

I'm looking for a person who's alert, intelligent, and subservient.

Yes. All right, I'll call back when you've had time to go through your

Thank you.

You're despicable.

I don't get the big bucks to be Mr.

Nice Guy.

Benson could be back here tomorrow.

Oh?

Did you see how he looked when they took him out of here?

Call this number in a half an hour, see if they've got a replacement.

Clayton, I... Marcy, believe me, it's as unpleasant for me as it is for you.

But when a horse breaks its leg, you shoot it.

I don't know anything about horses, but I know a jackass when I see one.

Do your own dirty work.

One old... This is it. Now, Gretchen, remember, no matter how bad it looks,

you've got to be cheerful for Benson's sake.

He's frightened, and he's alone.

Well, if my blueberry tarts don't cheer him up, nothing will. Bye.

Oh, hello.

Hi. We're friends of Benson's. How is he? Oh, he's terrific.

Come in.

Hello, Benson. We're here to brighten your day.

Why'd you bring Krauts?

Don't start this with me, Benson. I am trying to be cheerful.

This isn't bad. It's a nice room.

Pretty view.

And that beautiful girl taking care of you.

Tart. No, she's a nurse's aide.

What is that?

Blueberry tarts.

Did you make them?

Benson Gretchen's trying to be nice.

That's what worries me.

Fine. I'll give them to some other patient.

Come back here.

If you don't bring your tarts back over here, you'll be in the room across the

hall.

So now you want to taste them.

No, you can put them away.

I want to sniff you.

What?

You out of your mind?

No, I'm allergic to something, and I think it may be to Krauss. Well, in that

case, take a good whiff.

You remind me of my goat.

That's just the way my luck's been running. I'm not allergic to you. Want

me? No, no, no. I'm just acting like an idiot.

That's all right, Benson. We're used to it.

Guess who?

Oh, well, now you know you've seen my face.

Hello, Benson.

Hello, Governor.

Thanks for dropping by.

Oh, I didn't just drop by. I brought you something.

See, it's one of those round jigsaw puzzles, and when you put it together,

makes a pizza.

Did you bring any beer to go with it?

Looks like it might be hard.

Not if you do it by the slice.

Blueberry tarts, my favorite. Not bad.

Oh, what a great shot.

Governor visits sick black friend in hospital. I've got to get a picture of

this. What's the hurry?

Oh, you could get well on me. I'd like to get sick on you.

What if I died?

Then we'd be talking national coverage.

Blueberry tarts.

Governor, we're waiting for you.

There must be some mistake, Doctor. I'm just visiting.

No, sir, it's me, Clayton. Are you wearing that mask by popular request?

Laugh if you want, but I won't be taking any diseases home with me.

You don't need to.

What Benson has isn't communicable. What Benson has is psychosomatic. But the

rest of this place is crawling with millions of unidentified germs.

Take off your mask and identify yourself.

Bailey must be going.

All right, Clayton.

I'm sorry Katie couldn't come up. She's too young. Hospital rules. Okay,

everybody out. Thank God. Not you.

The visitors.

Visiting hours are over. Okay, take care of yourself, Benson. I'll be back to

visit this evening. Me too. I'll look forward to it. I can't make it. I'll

forward to that too.

Is it possible to get anything to eat here? No.

of warden if you don't. Is it okay if I give you a hug? You better.

I was beginning to think you were trying to avoid me.

Katie, get me a glass of water.

Vincent, are you feeling all right? Well, I felt better.

I felt much better.

Vincent, what's wrong?

Katie, get the doctor.

up your sleeve.

Now, we're all done.

The doctor will be by in a few minutes to check your reactions.

Oh, looks like we're going to have a bumper crop.

Testing for allergies, huh?

When I was on my school swimming team, I found out I had an allergy to chlorine.

My eyes used to puff up something awful. I remember one time during the 100

-yard freestyle, I got lost.

Oh, hello, Gene.

Hello, Jerry. How are you?

Not too well, I'm afraid.

How bad is it, Doc?

Terrible. My putting has gone to pieces.

I was reading an article about that just the other day in my dentist's office.

Bob Jameson, you know him? Oh, you're sure? Five handicaps. Right, right.

Bob... Doctor, could we get on with this? There's another foursome waiting

this room.

Oh, you... Now let's see how the test turned out here, huh?

Will you look at... The size of that.

Well, now we know what you're allergic to.

Would you mind letting me in on it? Did you just get a pet?

Closest I could get was an alcohol rub.

No, no, I mean have you been around any animals?

Napoleon.

My daughter just got a new kitten. Oh, cats. Well, there's your culprit.

All you have to do is walk into a room where a cat has been. You'll have a

severe attack.

Oh, Katie's crazy about that cat. Couldn't you give me something?

Well, we can try to help you a little, but with a reaction like that, I'd

you to even stay out of alleys.

I don't worry. It's just an allergy. Neither one of us are going to make the

medical journals with this one.

Maybe next time.

This is going to break Katie's heart.

I suppose somebody had better tell her. It's either you or the cat.

I guess it's me.

Oh, no, Benson. We need you.

I'll tell her.

All right.

Come on in.

Vincent, the doctor told me to take a shower and put on clean clothes.

Why? What's wrong with me?

There's not a thing wrong with you, honey. You're just fine.

I'm sorry I made you sick.

I didn't mean to. I know you didn't.

Sit up here.

You sure it's okay?

Yeah.

Katie, this is going to be very difficult for me.

Benson, you're not going to die, are you?

No, of course not.

It's nothing that scary.

I knew you wouldn't.

It's just that I wanted to give you an explanation.

You know what an allergy is, don't you?

Uh -huh.

Billy Turner's allergic to chocolate. It makes him hyper.

Well, I've got an allergy.

To chocolate?

No.

To cat hairs.

Napoleon's cat hairs?

Yeah.

And if I go back to the mansion and Napoleon is still there, I'll get sick

again. He didn't mean it, Benson.

I know he didn't. What if I keep him in a box all the time and never let him

out?

Then he wouldn't be very happy.

It's not fair.

I know. It's not your fault.

Yet you're the one who's being hurt the most.

That's why I'm leaving the decision up to you.

I can't make that kind of decision.

I'm only ten years old.

I wish I could help.

I'm gonna miss you, Benson.

Napoleon to Sally Buell for her pet alligator. Is that okay?

Well, as long as I don't have to pet him.

The only problem is, where would I keep him?

How about Krause's bet?

Stay back on the job and look at him just sitting there.

The doctor told him not to overdo it. Yeah, but he is overdoing not overdoing

it.

Now, she told me you finished his inventory.

I did.

So what's the matter?

Listen to this.

Salt shakers? Yeah.

Teapots? Yeah.

What does that mean?

It means we got him.

Oh, Bess, have you seen Katie? She's upstairs, sir, naming her fish.

Oh, I must say, she does love those guppies.

Yeah, and they don't have any hair.

That's right.

You know, I had guppies when I was a boy, and I named my favorite one Jack

Dempsey. You know why?

Saved by the bell.

Hello? Oh, hi, Michelle.

Sure. 8 .30 sounds great.

See you there.

Michelle, huh? That cute nurse from the hospital?

Oh, yeah, I'm just gonna drop by her house tonight.

We're going to work on that jigsaw puzzle the governor gave me. Oh, that

like fun.

Yeah, it could take all night.

On a puzzle?

One of the pieces is missing.