Original subtitles

What do you mean you can't find him? Eight bowls can't just disappear.

Benson, hang up the phone. I am going to kill you.

Kill me in a minute. I'm on the phone.

Benson.

Well, keep looking.

It's got to turn up somewhere.

I am not going to stand for this.

You keep talking like that, Krause, and you won't be standing at all.

We have 200 people coming to dinner tonight.

How can you change the menu?

By drawing a line through the word chicken.

But the work is all done. I have 200 tiny chickens all ready to go.

Why don't you go with them?

Krause, we can't serve chicken to the Croatian people. It's their sacred bird.

Then they should love it. They pray to it. They don't eat it.

It says so in this book on Croatian customs. Well, why didn't you tell me

yesterday? Because Taylor didn't bother to give it to me until ten minutes ago.

We'd better serve veal.

Fine. I will smash the chickens flat and tell them it is veal.

Fine, I'll smash you flat and say it was an accident.

Get your people started on real veal.

I have 200 chickens. What will I do with them?

Freeze them.

Oh, yes, and Kraus, the Croatians sent some wooden bowls over here they use for

some kind of ceremony. Have you seen them?

Yeah. I put them away with all the other ugly stuff we get.

Well, where?

You want to know? You've got to ask me nicely.

Gretchen, sweetheart.

Would you please tell me where those bowls are while you're still able to

That's more like it.

They are in the cold storage room.

You're in the basement, right?

Yeah. The old part.

Under the east wing.

past the left corridor leading to the main cellars, down the main steps, right

where it's always been.

It'd be faster if I flew to Croatia and bought new bowls.

I'll get them myself.

All this work to do and he sends me off on a fool's errand.

Don't say it!

Vincent, do you have some string I can tie this up with?

Here, there should be some in that drawer right there.

emperor's daughter.

What'd you get her?

Well, I don't get that much allowance.

So instead of buying something new, you thought you'd give her a hand -me -down?

It's practically new. Only one owner.

I found it in the den. Nobody ever uses it.

Oh, an ashtray.

How'd you know the princess smokes cigars?

She does?

No. Besides, somebody gave this to your father.

Oh, well.

It's hard to know what to get a princess.

I'll try to find something else.

Okay, but stay out of my...

If you won't take this as criticism, it just seems that this welcoming speech is

a little dry.

Well, what do you mean, sir?

He hates it.

It's just that I usually open my remarks with a few jokes.

Sir, this is an official ceremony for the Emperor of Croatia, not a roast for

Don Rickles.

I know that, but I'm sure the Emperor would enjoy a good story.

Well, I wouldn't count on it, sir. The Croatians are very formal and solemn.

All right.

I'll watch my step.

Good. I know these people. I've been to Croatia.

Oh, yeah? What's it like?

It's very green and lush, and everywhere you look, chickens.

You talk about watching your step.

I'll see you later, sir. Where are you going, bud?

After a fool I sent on a fool's errand. Better.

Make sure there are no slip -ups tonight. The Empress tour has been

Washington. and they are very anxious to develop strong ties with Croatia.

It's a beautiful country. They have a lot to offer. Like 4 % of the world's

reserves? Sure. Why else would we suck up to these barbarians?

Hello, Grenade.

Come up with a way to get out of here.

Just calm down.

Calm down, he says.

First you change the menu, then you send me up to some ugly bulls. And thanks to

your stupidity, I am stuck down here. I have 200 guests coming and a million

things to do. So don't tell me to calm down, you clown.

I have to get out of here.

You keep on babbling, woman. I'm going to get you out of here in a hurry, right

through the keyhole.

There is no keyhole.

Then it'll take a little longer.

the guard gate, but if you could just look up from your guns and ammo magazine

and just take a look and see if Benson's car is in the parking lot, thank you.

Marcy, run down, make me three copies of this right away. Excuse me, Taylor. I'm

on the phone.

Yeah.

Okay, thanks.

Benson's car is still here.

Fine. Kraus and Benson take a walk one hour before a major diplomatic function.

Would you stop?

Well, that's the only excuse I'll accept.

Three copies.

Marcy? Uh -huh? I have a problem.

You do?

If you were a princess, what would you want?

Oh? The wisdom to rule wisely, the love of my people, and enough money to pay

off all my charge cards.

Oh. Well, if you can think of something I can fit in this shoebox, just let me

know. Okay.

Marcy. Is there any word on Benson and Miss Krause?

No, sir.

Frankly, I'm getting very worried about them. Oh, Marcy, I'm sure they have some

perfectly logical reason for not being here and for turning the banquet into a

disaster.

You have those copies yet? No, not yet.

Marcy, could you come in and take some dictation? I'd like to add a little

to the speech that Taylor wrote for me.

Yes, sir, I'll be right in. I just have these three copies to run off.

Oh, Taylor would be happy to do that for you. Wouldn't she, Taylor?

Why are you doing that?

Are you talking to me?

No, I'm talking to Howard Coselly, ringside.

Why are you doing that? There might be a secret passageway.

There might be a picture window, too, but I wouldn't count on it.

Well, at least I am doing something to try and get us out of here.

What are you doing?

Well, I was trying to find something to keep us warm.

I am going, Benson.

Cross, you've been gone for a long time.

No, I mean it, Benson.

I am getting out of here. Now.

Ouch.

Cross, not even the Incredible Hulk could knock that door down.

Come on, come on.

They've got to know we're missing by now. It's just a matter of time before

find us.

Oh, what's left of us?

Bad enough I have to die, but to die here with you, of all people.

Come on, come on, come on. Come on. Let's go for a walk.

Why? Why not? You got something better to do?

Supposing they do not find us?

We have no food.

I'm not hungry.

Besides, we can go a long time without food.

Sure.

We can go without food until we starve to death.

We're not going to starve to death.

You're right.

Long before we starve to death, we will die of thirst.

What am I, a yo -yo?

Without question. Now walk.

No more talk of dying of thirst.

It'll never happen.

How can you be so sure?

Because we're going to freeze to death.

You're just saying that to try and cheer me up.

It's cold in here, but it is not that cold.

Well, I hope you're right.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Forget it.

Benson, if there's something I should know, give it to me straight. I can take

it.

Well, I don't know what you call it, but I saw it in Korea.

It's got something to do with your body temperature dropping, even though it

isn't all that cold.

First you get weak, then delirious, and then it's over.

The way I figure it, we got two, three hours.

So...

You seen any good movies lately?

Come

on,

Kraus, keep walking.

How can I keep walking? I cannot feel my feet.

I can feel them. They keep stepping on mine.

Have some matches. Why don't we start a fire?

I told you before, we start a fire in here, the smoke will back up and kill

Mrs. Benson.

No, really, really. George Washington wept here.

No, it's an actual fact.

And after spending two days and two nights in this room, in this very room,

Alexander Graham Bell decided to invent the telephone.

I know what you're trying to do, Benson, but please, just let me sit

down. No, Cross, come on, you've got to keep moving. No, I can't, Benson.

Please, just let me rest.

You gonna get back up?

Yeah, I promise.

You know, Benson, somehow I never thought it would be like this.

All my life I have worked hard and saved every penny so that one day I could

start to live.

Funny, isn't it?

If you say so.

What do you think, Benson?

About what?

About dying.

I'm a Ginnett.

Come on, Krause, let's walk.

I can't.

Come on, you promised.

I lied.

So what are you going to do, kill me?

Come on, Gretchen.

It's the only way we can stay warm.

No, there is another way.

What's that?

It's...

thrill me either, Benson.

But it beats dying.

Just barely.

Yes, Sergeant, our security people told me that I should call you to report that

two people are missing.

Well, it's been about four hours now and I'm... What do you mean they haven't

been missing long enough to be missing?

24 hours?

They could be back by then.

Thank you very much for all your help.

Still no word on Benson and Miss Cross? No, sir.

I thought it might give us a clue if we checked Benson's appointment book.

Oh, good. What does he have in there for the day?

6 o 'clock, brief staff on protocol. 6 .30, check parking arrangement. 6 .45,

general inspection.

7 o 'clock, prepare buffet table. 7 .30, check security and guest list. 7 .45,

on corporate wines.

8 o 'clock, guests arrive.

When Benson shows up, remind me to give him a raise.

Sir, the guests are starting to arrive.

Oh, Taylor, there's no need to get excited.

Governor, you don't realize what is going on out there.

Nobody knows where to hang their coats. They're parking their cars on the front

lawn. And they refuse to admit the Parisian prime minister because he isn't

wearing shoes.

Evidently, Benson didn't get a chance to brief the staff on protocol.

Well, I'll just have to do it myself.

Okay, he underlined all the important parts.

I don't need that.

I've been there. I'm practically a native.

I wish you'd fill me in.

No problem, sir. Just a few things to keep in mind. Such as what?

Such as, when you're introduced to the emperor, give him a low bow from the

waist.

Got it.

It says here a bow like that means I surrender.

Now, when did they start that?

Three thousand years ago.

I don't think I can legally surrender one of the United States to a foreign

country. All right, forget about it.

Taylor, just how long were you in Croatia?

A weekend.

Pardon me?

Well, it was a three -day weekend.

Now, when you're at the table, if you are sitting to the left of the emperor's

number two wife, avoid eye contact with all wives of a lower rank.

Or? Or be prepared to accept them as gifts.

You know, I... I had a similar offer once at a lumberman's convention.

But I don't think they were gifts.

Well, we better get out there before we really offend the emperor.

Oh, now, Taylor, don't panic.

We'll sit down out there, we'll have a little conversation, eat a little

chicken, everything will be fine.

Gretchen. Don't go, Hans.

Come on, Gretchen. Wake up. You're delirious.

Deliriously happy, you wonderful man.

Come on, Gretchen. We've got to get moving.

There is no hurry, Hans. Mama and Papa won't be home from the beer garden for

another hour.

Come on, Krause. Let's walk.

Jack Frost is nipping at your brain.

Trying to check out this vent. I can't tell if it's blocked or not.

My whole life flashing before my eyes.

You're so amusing.

Play something for me on the tuba.

Now we can start this fire.

If the smoke goes up the vent, it's got to come out somewhere and maybe somebody

will see it.

On the other hand, if the vent's blocked off...

Smoke will back up in here and kill us.

Kraus, we don't have much time.

What do you say?

I do.

You're right. We'll take a chance on the smoke.

Wait a minute, Hans.

Did you hear that?

You'd better hide. That may be my parrot.

Oh, God, I hope this vent works.

I don't know, but you ain't getting it from me.

Come on, let's get out of here. The place is filling up with smoke.

200 guests and the emperor of Croatia, and we have to evacuate them to the

lawn? I tell you, Marcy, we're being sabotaged.

Marcy, even paranoids have real enemies.

Since the mansion's on fire, don't you think it would be a good idea for us to

leave? In a minute. I'm just going to draft my resignation.

Your resignation? What are you talking about?

Marcy, this was a major diplomatic event, and we blew it. Forget the oil.

Forget international cooperation.

Forget the emperor throwing his chicken at the waiter.

Resigning is the only honorable thing left to do. It is the only way that

into my face. Taylor, would you come on? I'm interested in saving more than my

face. Oh, here you are. Listen, you better come on outside.

Everybody's milling around out there enjoying the party.

This fire might be the best thing that's happened all evening.

But the emperor just loves fire engines.

He's up on the top of the hook and ladder with a fireman's helmet and

ringing the bell.

Come on. It's my turn next.

Yeah, fine.

Don't worry about your friend. She's going to be all right.

She never was before.

Oh, there they are.

What's wrong?

What happened?

It's a long story, sir.

Oh, see, I've discovered our little hideaway, darling.

And not a very pretty one.

We were really worried about you two just disappearing like that. Yeah, you

could have ruined the whole banquet.

We were concerned for your personal safety as well.

Since you were gone, Benson, we had a lot of excitement around here.

We even had a fire.

No kidding.

It made me an honorary fireman.

It's okay, Ben. I can take it from here.

Benson! What are you doing trying to slip your shoulder under my hands at me?

She lives.

Spice, are you all right?

We are.

One day you'll look back on this and laugh.

I doubt it.

It was a miserable experience.

The worst of my entire life.

When you thought I was Hans, you were crazy about me.

Who's Hans?

I don't know any Hans.

And I don't know sugar from shellac.

There was nothing at all between Hans and me.

On more than one occasion.

Oh, Benson, what are you still doing up?

I got a lot to think about, sir.

I understand.

You had a real close call.

Yeah, let's put it this way.

You don't know how glad I was to see you come through that door.

You want to see me do it again?

No.

Katie figure out something to give to Princess?

Uh, yeah, a T -shirt that says, Keep on truckin'. Princess gave Katie a dozen

eggs. That sounds fair.

Benson, did you think you were gonna make it?

Uh, Governor, I wasn't sure.

What went through your mind?

Well, I thought about my family, my friends, things I've done, things I

done.

Governor, do you realize how many things I have left to do?

Well, I'll let you get started.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not this minute.

Here's to you.

To life, Governor.

Johnson is videotaped before a studio audience.