Original subtitles

Previously on Aussie Girl.

Vagina!

Stay true to yourself!

How exactly did this happen there? I got something stuck in my throat and Trisha

Bittsmore handed me a glass of water and... That lollipop -headed,

bitch! I'm a laughingstock, Mum. You remember John, your old manager? He

in L .A. America?

Holy... Tim, you're going to love it here. I've brought dozens of horses

and you, darling, are going to be the biggest star of them all. Maybe dreams

really do come true.

You'll be just...

I'm

undeniably me.

Oh, so me.

Undeniably...

Orange cider?

No thanks, dammit.

So, should I just do it?

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Which one should I use?

What do you mean?

Which finger?

Should I use a few?

Uh, why don't we start with just one?

And see how it goes.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

All right.

Okay.

I'm going to do it.

Wait.

Shouldn't you, I don't know, like, wet it first?

All right, then.

Here it goes.

Well, if it isn't Tubby Tam and Sucks a Dick, it looks like he's about to hop on

a whale.

There are times in life when you think you've hit your lowest.

Come get your chickens!

Woo! Oh, God. Yeah, baby! And then there are times in life when you dress like a

chicken. Woo!

I need you to tell us how to get the cable setting off the DVR. Show her the

remote, Mum. I can't talk.

We've been stuck on the same setting for almost a week, and all we can watch are

reruns of your father's favourite actress, Ashley Jart. I seriously can't

right now.

I've got to go. And you know how randy your father gets when it comes to Ashley

Jart. Mum, Mum, I seriously can't talk right now, OK? He gets all worked up,

then he sets his sights on me.

Mum.

I can't do this right now. Imagine, all week, over and over again, nothing but

double jeopardy. Mom! I'm worn out like an old wicker keeper's glove. Mom!

Okay, I can't talk. Okay, bye.

Oh,

this guy.

I'm literally getting my right ovary.

Or a pear.

I'm seeing this right now.

If everyone can take their seats, we can begin.

This officially can't get any worse.

Brushtail possum, native to Australia, has been known to play dead as an

instinctive defence mechanism for deterring predators.

It will literally freeze in place, hoping to blend into its natural

surroundings. Also, anatomically, the brushtail scrotum is situated above its

penis, which means sometimes you have to go into a situation false first. And

so, dear friends and family...

We remember our dearly departed life not for the tragic way in which it was cut

short, but for the fulfilled and rich manner in which it touched us all.

And now I'd like to call on one of John's many success stories.

In just a few weeks, her promising career has taken off like a rocket.

Tricia Pilsmore, could you please come up and grace us with some kind words?

for the love of all that is holy.

Oh.

Oh, John.

Oh, my John John.

Sorry. Sorry.

Thank you.

Success.

That is the word I think of most when I think of John Higgin.

A man who touched... so many lives by recognising who was really talented.

Especially those who really stood out.

Like, well, like me.

Biting tongue, biting tongue.

As many of you may know, I've been coming back and forth from Australia to

States, you know, just to give a bit of a go of it.

And wouldn't you know it, with John's guidance and his personal belief in me

how amazing I am,

Biting tongue off.

Biting tongue off. Things have gone extraordinarily well.

So, as we think of John, let's pause a moment to think of ourselves.

To think of our own greatness. And how truly special we each are. Because

what John stood for. What a giant pile of shame shits!

Hi.

Everyone's looking at me.

You all look lovely.

Beautifully dressed.

That's not what John stood for.

He was all about having a dream and following that dream no matter where it

you. Even if it means standing up to certain people who'll do whatever it

to get what they want.

Like poison your drink at the Loggie Awards in front of all

Yeah.

Colonel Mustard, in the library, with a lead pipe, for the win.

I don't even know if I'm extraordinary or amazing.

But John was all about accepting your faults and your insecurities.

So I might be dressed like a chicken.

Yep, it's a chicken.

But I am anything but.

Regardless of what you might all think.

make something of my life, okay?

Yeah. A new life. An American life.

An Aussie in America. An Aussie girl.

We've had a theme song.

Cute right now.

I'd walk out with my chicken head held high.

Ooh. Sorry, little dove.

I usually play sports events on the weekends.

Anyway.

I don't want to.

Oh, God.

I do.

It's me.

A little bit of pride. I have left.

Oh, and Trish.

I could be a heck of a chicken, too.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hi. Hi there.

Hello. Hi.

Excuse me. Hi. Hi. Hi. Sorry to bother you.

If you're here with a daily mail, I have no comment, okay? No, no. I'm not even

Australian. I'm just Andrew. I'm an agent, actually, and I saw you in there,

that was really spunky and cool, and I think maybe we could work together, you

know? Well, I'm a junior agent.

I'm only allowed to hip pocket, so that means you're not really with the agency,

and no one will return your call or fight for you, except for me, but people

don't. People don't usually listen to me unless I'm getting them coffee, so

they're... I have an agent?

Yes. Yes.

You have an agent. I'm your agent.

Okay. All right. I have cards. Okay.

And they're in this fancy case. Really fancy? Here you go. Oh, my God. And I

want to start getting to work for you right now. I'm going to go do it. I'm

going to go make calls.

Rally. Oh, wait.

I have a thing about agents crossing the street. Can you just... It's a long way

around. Yes.

Anything for my client.

You got this.

All right. I'll talk to you soon. I'm going to work for you right now.

Okay.