Original subtitles

Vanity of vanities.

All is vanity.

Philip, Marvin Collins is here.

What? Marvin, who's marrying Claire tomorrow. He's come for the wedding

rehearsal. But the rehearsal's not through this evening. He never listens

word I say. Honestly, that boy's an absolute dimwit. He's in love, Philip.

That's why he doesn't listen.

You know, he just recited the whole of Misty to me.

What? He says it's their song.

What is? Look at me. I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree.

Really? How did you manage that?

It's the song.

He says he feels misty whenever she's near.

Oh. In that case, you should ask her to stop breathing on his glasses.

You've got toothpaste on your vest.

Oh.

Ah, hello, Bobby. Oh, morning, Mr Lamb.

Sorry if you wasn't expecting me. Oh, that's all right, but the rehearsal's

till this evening, you know.

Oh, a bit early then, am I?

Only about nine and a half hours. Sit down, sit down.

I thought it might be sort of safer if I was to have a sort of a kind of a

private rehearsal before tonight.

You mean you want a rehearsal for the rehearsal?

Oh, that's it.

Thing is, when Claire's near me, when my betrothed's there, I

don't seem able to sort of... kind of... sort of... I'm not able to... I mean,

it's very difficult for me to sort of... kind of... sort of...

Kind of get my thoughts together.

Yes, I had sort of kind of noticed.

Would it help if we went over the wedding ceremony once more?

Actually, it's not just the wedding ceremony I'm worried about.

Oh? It's after the wedding ceremony.

You mean the reception?

After the reception.

After the reception?

I'm in Clareham. He's going to Ibiza. Oh, wonderful.

Staying in a big hotel.

Lucky you. In a double room.

I should hope so.

Well, there it is, innit?

Is it?

I mean, if I can't get my thoughts together when I'm close to her, well, I

mean, there might be other sort of kind of things I can't get together.

I think I know what's worrying you, Marvin. Believe me, it's a fear that

bridegroom has at one time or another.

Really? Yeah.

Did you?

What? Did you worry about it?

Me? Yeah.

Oh, good Lord, yes. I was in a muck sweater already.

And how was it?

What?

Your wedding night.

I mean, how was it?

My wedding night? Yeah.

Fine.

Was it?

Yeah.

What? I mean, even though you was worried?

Yes.

And Mrs Lamb?

What?

I mean, was she... Oh, yes.

Totally.

You wasn't a flop, then?

Not... Have you been speaking to my wife?

No.

Well, of course I wasn't a flop.

I mean, she didn't actually give me a standing ovation.

But as far as I can remember, it certainly wasn't a disaster.

Yeah, but what if mine is?

I mean, according to my brother Trev, I'm not normal.

Trev?

Isn't he going to be your best man? Best man is right.

He's a year younger than me, but he's very experienced in you -know -what.

Is he?

Well, he says, if me and Claire really loved each other, well, we wouldn't have

waited this long, would we?

Marvin, it's because you truly love each other. You have waited. Now, on your

wedding night, be loving, be gentle, and above all, Be patient.

Well, what about passion?

Trev says you've got to be passionate.

He says it's expected.

Well, yes, I suppose it is.

But believe me, Marvin, sex is only one part of a good marriage and not the most

important part either.

Well, Trev thinks it is.

Trev thinks it's the most important part of being a man. In fact, he thinks it's

the most important thing in life. Marvin, I'm getting a bit fed up with

Trev thinks.

I want to know what you think.

Me? Yes.

I think he's right.

Excuse me butting in, Vicar.

Is this going to take much longer?

Sorry, Trevor, have you another appointment?

Yeah, I've got the nags there booked for 8 .30.

Nags, Ed?

My brother's stagnant. He's got to live it up a bit before you whack the ball

and chain on him.

Hey, yes.

Trevor.

Dad.

Shut it.

Craig. Tony asked you. I said, shut it.

Craig. I can ask a question, Connor. You can't ask nothing.

When is your wedding? You can ask your flipping head off. But it's your

brother's wedding. No.

Yours. So shut it.

On you go, Bigger.

Take all night if you like.

I don't think it'll take as long as that.

Glad to hear it.

Say something, Trevor.

Sit down, Craig.

I was going to sit down. What did you think I was going to do? Stand up all

night like a lemon?

Look, I am sitting.

Right? There, see?

I am sitting.

Ah,

here I am, Mr Hargreeves.

Now, if you'd like to bring Claire opposite my right hand, and Marvin,

like to join Claire?

Marvin?

Would you like to go next to Claire?

A bit closer.

Closer. Come on.

That's lovely. Will you be wearing gloves?

Well, I wasn't planning to.

I believe the total ensemble doesn't need gloves.

Quite. Now, Claire, if you give your bouquet...

And your gloves to the chief bridesmaid.

That's you, Phyllis.

I know, Dad, I know.

Why do you think I'm up in the front?

Don't get clever, Phyllis. This is the outer. God remember.

Watch!

Now, Phyllis, you take the bouquet and the gloves.

Bouquet. Bouquet.

Gloves. Gloves.

Splendid. And now we come to... And the other gloves. And the other gloves.

Now, this is what I read from the prayer book, and then I ask you individually

if you intend to fulfil the obligations of a husband and wife.

Oh, definitely, Vicar.

Well, that's fine, Marvin, but a simple I will will do.

I will.

I will, Clare.

I swear to God I will.

I swear too, Marvin.

Honest and truly, I do.

Yes, well, that's good and positive.

And now I say, who gives this woman to be married to this man?

Me. Well, there's no need to actually raise your hand, Mr Harding.

You just take Claire's right hand and present it to me.

The right hand?

Yes.

Is that your right or my right?

No, no, it's her right.

Oh, is it her right?

Yes, of course. Sorry, sorry.

I'll give us this woman.

No, no, you don't actually have to say anything.

You just present the hand.

I'm making a mess of it, ain't I?

No, you're not.

This is why we're rehearsing.

And now we clasp hands.

Marvin... Marvin?

Come on, Marvin.

Was that you again, Trevor?

Somebody's got to wake him up or we'll be here all night. I thought I told you

to shut it.

It's all right, Mr Collins.

This is Trevor's big moment when he produces the ring.

Oh, yeah, I wish I could, Vicar. You haven't got it?

I'm afraid not, Vicar.

You haven't lost it, have you? Of course not.

I flogged it to pay for your stagnant.

You what?

Just a joke, Marvin. Just a bit of fun. It's a light in the atmosphere.

Trevor. Becca.

Shut it.

Do you think they'll get through it this afternoon?

I don't know. I've never married anyone who'd have said concussion before.

Oh, I think they're sweet.

You should have seen them last night in the church. It was like a scene from I

Married a Zombie.

I'll go.

Oh, thanks, love.

You'd better hurry. Oh, yeah.

Hope somebody gives them a guide dog for a wedding present, or they won't make

it down the aisle.

Oh, hello, Mrs Collins.

Afternoon, Mrs Lamb.

Do come in. Thank you.

Ah, hello, Mrs Collins. Everything all right?

Yes, yes. Well, as far as I know it is.

With a bit of luck.

Oh, good, good.

Well, do go through to the study.

Thank you. There we are.

Now, what do you want to see me about?

Oh, it's nothing important, really.

My husband sent me to ask if we could possibly swap.

Swap? With the other wedding.

You've got another one at three, haven't you?

Quarter past three. Oh, that's even better.

Well, Craig wondered if we could swap with that one.

It would give us a bit more time.

I'm afraid it's a bit late for that, Mrs Collins. There's no way to tell the

other guests. Why do you want extra time anyway? Is everything all right? Oh,

yes, yes, everything's fine.

Or at least it will be.

With a bit of luck.

What happened to Marvin?

Oh, no, no, absolutely not.

Well, that's a relief.

At least nothing serious.

What do you mean, nothing serious?

He's not in hospital, is he? Oh, no. Nothing like that.

Did something happen at last night's stag night?

No, nothing happened at the stag night.

It was after the stag night it happened.

But it's really nothing to worry about, with a bit of luck.

You keep saying that, Mrs Collins. Why do we need luck?

Well, you see, as a joke...

My youngest.

Trevor? Yes, Trevor.

He's got a marvellous sense of humour.

Yes, I noticed.

Yes.

Well, he got Marvin a bit tipsy -like.

And then three or four of them took him down to the station and put him on the

first train leaving town.

Just as a joke, like.

A joke?

Yes, but it's really nothing to worry about, because his dad was waiting up,

when Trevor came in and said what he'd done, he got the car out and went

straight off to bring him back again.

Back from where?

Oh, it's no problem, Mrs Lamb.

No, they'll both be back in time for the ceremony.

So, you see, you've got nothing to worry about.

Look, Mrs Cronin, would you like to tell us exactly where Marvin is?

Oh, he's definitely on his way back by now.

Yes, but back from where?

Newcastle. On time.

Of course he'll be on time.

sweeping up the confetti. I don't know if there's going to be any confetti,

because there may not be a wedding. Oh, sorry, my mistake.

Is it a funeral, then? No, there's a good chance it'll turn into one. Oh,

in that case, perhaps they'll need the services of a professional mourner.

Professional mourner. I want to make a couple of quid before the end of the

afternoon. What do you want money for this time? Let's have a little honesty

a change. Honesty? What can you mean?

You always have very plausible reasons for wanting money, but it always boils

down to the same old trio. What old trio?

Horses, dogs and booze. I assure you, nothing could be further from my

Then why do you want the money? I wish to restring a friend's ukulele.

Oh, Desmond. No, no, it's true, Philip, it's true. Look, I have the treasured

instrument here.

You see, look at that. I think the G string's missing.

Oh, Lord.

What dustbin did you get that out of?

Philip, please.

This was left me by an old and very dear friend before he was taken from us.

Oh. I'm sorry, Desmond. Was it sudden? Very.

One minute he's entertaining a cinema cue with his George Forby medley, and

next he's doing a week in the scrubs for busking without a license.

You don't get sent to prison for that. You do if you hit the policeman.

That's why he's there. So I thought I might take his place with the cinema

Really? I used to be quite a dab hand with one of these in me bathroom today.

Were you really? Yes.

Yes, it's coming along. Coming along, that was it.

My husband's cast just come round the corner. I told you they'd be here in

Your husband must have driven like the clappers. Yes, he always drives like

that. Is there somewhere that I can hang their wedding suits?

Suits? Yes, they've come straight from Newcastle. They've got to change

somewhere. Ah.

The bridal car's just arrived.

Oh, it's all right, Mrs Lamb, because Marvin's just arrived himself.

Yes, but they've got to get into these, haven't they? Now, Mrs Collins, you take

your place in the church, and Emma, tell the bridal car to drive slowly, once

round the block, and then we'll be ready for them.

Once round the block, right. Come on, Mrs Collins. Oh, this is the happiest

of my life.

Oh.

I wish I could say the same.

All right, Vicar, I'm leaving suits.

What?

What happened to you?

Oh, it's all right. Nothing to worry about. You had a collision?

Yeah, with my dad's fist.

What? I deserved a bigger last night. I went a bit too far.

Yeah, not as far as your brother. Where is he? He's just come in now with Dad.

Have you got any coffee?

No, there's no time for coffee. If you're thirsty, there's water in the

washroom. It's not for me.

It's to sober him up.

What?

What is it? What's happened? No, nothing's happened.

Oh, you look absolutely lovely, Claire.

What's gone wrong?

No, nothing's wrong.

It would help if you could just drive slowly once round the block.

Marvin is here, isn't he? Of course he's here.

Then why do we have to drive round the block?

Well, let's just say it's a slight hiccup.

Dad?

Marvin.

Marvin! Nearly there, Vicar.

What time's the next wedding?

Under 30 minutes.

Well, we'll have to get through the ceremony. A bit of a run.

A bit of a run? He couldn't get through it in his hands and knees.

Thank you, Mr Collins. I think we should cancel.

Cancel? Cancel? What do you mean, cancel? Your son is in no condition to

married. He was touch and go when he was sober.

What condition?

What do you mean, what condition? He's still plastered from last night. No,

not. He's just a bit exhausted after the long drive. I tell you what, we'll put

the ceremony back till after the 3 .15 wedding.

So when can you wedding?

Well, if you can sober him up in time, we should be through by 4 .30.

4 .30?

That's no flipping good. Keep your voice down. We've only got the caterer's book

till five.

I've got to catch a plane from Luton at 6 .30. All right.

All right.

Do you see the edge of this carpet?

If Marvin can walk along that in a straight line without falling over, I'll

allow the wedding to go ahead.

Are you sure you don't want to breathalyze him as well? No, but it

bad idea.

Of course he can walk a straight line.

On your feet, my son.

What, can I do his blight up? No, no, no. Get hold of his other arm and get

over here.

Sorry about this, Fred.

That's all right, my son. That's all right.

Right.

See the edge of this carpet? Prove to the vicar that you can walk a straight

line. Right.

Here we go.

Move your legs.

You remember?

Left, right.

I've seen enough, Vicar.

Mr Collins, you dragged him the length of that.

Six to four, you couldn't walk any better with your trousers round your

I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

When the bridal party arrive again, I shall tell them the wedding is off.

Well, just a minute, Vicar.

I mean, look, this is all my fault, not Marvin's.

You know how much those two love each other. If you don't let the wedding go

ahead as planned, it'll kill Marvin, it'll kill Claire. And I'll kill him.

Claire's car's just pulling up again.

What's wrong with Marvin?

He's not drunk, is he? Oh, no, according to his father, he's as sober as a

judge. What are we going to do?

I'm afraid you'll have to go back to the car and tell them... Sorry about this,

Vicar, Mrs Vicar.

I've really messed everybody's day, haven't I?

Oh.

And tell them once more round the block.

Again? Yes, again, and a lot slower this time, and try and find some black

coffee. Black coffee, right.

Thanks, love.

All right, I suppose I'm going to take something to the congregation, even if

it's just hello.

Thanks, Vicar. You're terrific.

Never mind the flannel, Trevor.

Just get his trousers on and walk him out and down a bit.

Again? What is this? A wedding or a merry -go -round?

What's going on, Mrs Lamb?

If Claire could just drive slowly.

Very slowly. Once more round the block, I think we might be able to go ahead.

All right.

Once more, as you say.

Thank you.

But while she's going round the block, I'm going inside to speed things up. And

if I can't, I might knock a few blocks off myself.

Mr Hargreaves?

and we should be able to proceed a little later than planned.

Thank you.

Victor?

Yes, Mrs. Collins?

Marvin, is it going to be all right? Is he?

Of course, yes.

With a bit of luck.

Mr. Hargreaves?

You're sorry.

Mr.

Hargreaves is on the warpath.

Where's Marvin? He's in your bog.

What are you doing there? I think Dad poured that bottle down his throat.

What? It's my special formula for instant sobriety, Philip. Soon as I saw

poor lad's condition, I slipped down to the corner chemist and had him knock me

up a fresh bottle.

He charged me a tenner for it.

Ten pounds Desmond?

Ukulele strings don't come cheap, you know, Philip.

I don't care about the money just so long as it works. Oh, there's no

of that, sir. That is a combined painkiller pick -me -up.

Are you sure it'll get Marvin through it? Certainly.

Just as soon as it's got through Marvin.

What's the older?

What's going on? Hello, Miss Hargis. How's Claire?

Dizzy from driving round the block. Where's Marvin?

He's in the washroom sprucing himself up.

Sprucing himself up?

You mean to say my daughter's having a nervous breakdown because your son left

you till now to spruce himself up? Some people need more sprucing than others.

Marvin!

There you are, Marvin.

Gordon Bennett, if this is you spruced, I'd hate to see you unspruced.

Excuse me a minute.

What's happening?

What's all this about?

Right, over here. Over here. That's it.

Right.

Now then, in your own time.

Now, Mr Hargreaves, get your daughter, we'll explain everything at the

reception. If you'd like to join your wife and... Oh, Trevor, Trevor, you have

got the ring, haven't you?

Better have, or I'll rip that one out of his ear hole. Oh, Dad!

Are you sure you're all right, Marvin?

Oh, yeah.

I don't know what was in that bottle, but I feel as if I could do anything.

Yes, well, all you have to do is to get married, all right? Off you go, and the

very best of luck. Thanks very much, love.

Oh!

I do love a wedding.

Do you?

Incidentally, Desmond, how much did that concoction actually cost?

£1 .50.

£1 .50? But it is guaranteed to get you through any situation.

In that case, Desmond... You want me to return the money?

No. Get him another couple of bottles for the honeymoon.