Original subtitles

Don't thrive, Philip.

Oh, good.

Though I say it myself, Emma, I have excelled myself.

Voila. What do you think?

Well, it's a bit drab, isn't it?

Drab? Emma, this is the simplicity of genius.

And it's sort of sloping.

Sloping? What do you mean, sloping?

All of it is.

Well, of course it's sloping if you look at it with your head on one side.

If you hold your head straight and look at it normally...

It does slope, doesn't it?

Oh, either someone's spelt reverend wrong or they think you're holier than

ought to be.

What? It says the revered Philip Martin.

Oh, yes, it does, yes. Well, I suppose I am revered by some.

Not by me, you're not. Oh, thank you very much.

Oh,

it's from dear old Annie Freeman.

The lady you got into the sheltered housing?

Yeah, dear vicar, this is Annie here. What you've got a nice place for, at

it would be, except for certain toppy -nosed types, what is making life hell,

pardon the strong luggage.

Luggage?

It's language.

What language? We are being presbycuted.

Presby what?

Presbycuted by a claptomaniac.

What is nicking things and making out what it is me what is doing it?

Eh? What it is me what is doing it. Oh.

I've got nothing to hide, but I can't go to the police.

Why not?

On account of how I never trusted them after they'd done Cousin Cyril on

Coronation Day.

All because they say he got drunk and dived into the serpentine stark naked.

They were definitely lying on account of how I was there and no for a fact he

kept his socks on.

Sounds as though Cousin Siddle had much to hide either.

Looks like your belt's gone.

I'm not wearing one.

Not your belt.

The fan belt on the car.

The fan belt?

Oh, you know about cars, do you?

Some have silver spoons. Me? I was born with a set of spanners in me mouth.

Here, look, see?

What?

What'd I tell you?

Belt snapped.

You wouldn't carry a spare, would you?

A spare fan belt?

No, you trust in the Lord, so you wouldn't, would you?

You, uh, wouldn't be wearing any tights, either.

No, I wouldn't.

What have you got tights for, anyway?

For the makeshift fan belt to get you home.

Oh, don't worry, Vicar. I'll borrow a pair from one of the old girls in here.

Well, I don't want to cause you any trouble. No, it's no trouble, Vicar. In

fact, it'd be a pleasure.

Especially getting them tights.

Well, obviously, Annie wrote that in confidence, Mrs Davidson, but I thought

ought to look at it in case there was any truth in it.

Well... Mr. Ram, I don't know if Cousin Cyril kept his socks on or not, but we

have had a series of thefts, and until this morning, Annie's been the only one

who hasn't had something stolen.

And this morning?

A photograph of her late husband in a silver frame has gone missing. At least

she says it's gone missing.

Oh!

Yes, Doris, what is it? Is that the man with the fan?

I don't think so, Doris. But I saw him coming.

You are the man with the van, aren't you?

Well, actually, it's more of an estate car, Doris. It's like a van, though,

isn't it?

Well, yes, but it's got windows.

A van with windows?

Yes.

There you are. Told you he was the man with the van.

I'm giving all my worldly goods to charity, so come and help me load up.

Mr Lamb isn't from the charity shop, Doris. Actually, I'm here to see Annie.

Annie? What's she giving to charity?

She's not giving anything to charity. Oh, that's typical.

Gets you up here with your van and then changes her mind. We'll discuss it

later, Doris. But I wrote to that Bob Geldorf and said he could have all my

worldly goods if he sent a van, and he still hasn't got them.

Off you go, Doris. I'll explain to Mr Lamb later. Oh, never mind explaining to

him. You explain to Bob Geldorf.

I've hardly noticed that Doris is very charity conscious.

Unfortunately, there are times when she doesn't seem to be conscious of much

else. Quite.

Forgive me, Mrs Davidson, but you wouldn't be the toppy -nosed type in

letter. What is making her life hell?

That's the one, yes.

I think she may have had Mrs Bagley in mind.

Mrs Bagley?

Annie is not exactly the most diplomatic of people.

In fact, she's the second most difficult resident we have.

Second most difficult, surely. She just likes calling a spade a spade. On

occasions, Mr Lamb, she also calls it a bleeding shovel as well.

Annie,

I brought you a visitor.

No, you haven't.

It's my letter what done that.

She's all yours.

Hello, Annie, how are you?

Bolshevica. Hang on a minute, I'll just turn this down.

Much of the design process is carried out using black box technology.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we had one of these what worked on people?

You are Bolshe, aren't you?

With nubs on.

Now they've gone and took my favourite photo of Arthur.

Yes, so I heard. At least now they know you can't be the thief.

What are you talking about?

Isn't I on positive proof that I am? I don't understand.

Last night in this very room, Mrs Bagley comes in and points her finger at me

and she says, I think it's very suspicious that only any freeman entered

something stolen.

Interfering old bat, Annie.

Well, you see, if I was the thief, I'd have to make out that I had had

stolen so that it wouldn't be noticed, you see, and now I have had something

stolen.

I see what you mean.

Still, now you're here, we can expose the thieving old bat.

Mrs.

Bagley, of course.

She's the one that's trying to frame me.

Why should she do that?

Because I'm the only one what stands up toward us all. She hates my guts.

I'm sure that can't be true.

Why not?

I hate hers.

The other... night I come in here and on the box was two fatties singing in our

Italian.

Nobody's listening but Bagley. So I said, do you mind if I watch the

snooker?

Yes, I do mind, she said.

We're halfway through La Boheme.

Oh yes, I says.

Who's winning?

been daggers drawn ever since.

Yes, but that doesn't prove that she's the thief. No, that's why I brung you

here. To prove it.

But how am I going to manage that?

Look.

Her room's at the end of the corridor.

So I'll keep her talking here while you go in there and ransack the place.

Yes, you know, you give it a good going over. You might have to rip up a few

floorboards.

But then you get hold of the swag, you bring it in here, and we can expose her.

I can't go round ripping up floorboards.

Of course you can.

If you're a vicar, you can get away with murder.

Wait a minute.

I think

there's some mistake, Mrs Freeman.

What's that, Mrs Baggin?

You were sitting in my chair.

I don't see no labels on it.

You know what I mean.

I always sit in that chair.

I sat in it last night and I sat in it before you came.

Well, you must have got up at some point. Otherwise, I'd be sitting in your

for now.

The hand control isn't where it should be, on the top of the set. Oh, yes, I

looking for that myself before you come in.

Annie, I really think... It's time I introduce you. Yes, we can.

Here, this is my friend, the Reverend Mr Lamb, what gave my heart for a good

send -off at the crematorium.

If you've no objection, Reverend Lamb, there's an arts programme I'd rather

to see on Channel 4.

Of course, Mrs Bagley.

Never too late to learn something new, no matter how unintelligent one may be.

Oh, I'm sure the Reverend Lamb don't think you're unintelligent.

He don't go by people's looks, you know.

Oh, look, it's them high ties again.

Annie, behave yourself. I won't.

Oh, look, the telly's plain up again.

Mrs B?

You're going to sit in that chair now, are you, for a change?

Yes. You'd better look under the cushion to make sure my knitting ain't there.

Knitting?

Oh, John!

Look at it.

He's playing up again.

I know what you're up to. What's that?

You've added the theft of the hand control to your other crimes.

That remark is licentious.

And I've got to visit and watch the witness.

Any more of that and you'll hear from my solicitor.

Any more thefts and you'll hear from the police.

I always knew you was a rosser's knock.

Annie, that behaviour was absolutely disgraceful. I know.

And she behaves like that all the time.

Not her. Not her behaviour. Yours.

You realise you're playing right into her hands.

I didn't mean it, Becker.

She's told everyone you're a troublemaker and you're doing everything

her right.

Now, if I was in your shoes, I'd do my best to confound her.

I'm always confounding her.

Sometimes the air is blue with my language.

Instead of carrying on this war between you, suppose you suddenly offered her

the peace offering. What would she think?

She'd think I was balmy.

She'd be right and all.

She wouldn't know what to think, Annie. And if she is the thief, it'll come to

light eventually.

Well, perhaps we should beat a confession out of her.

When you next see her, I want you to promise me to offer her the olive branch

peace.

Well, don't know about that, Vicar. Just try it, for my sake, eh?

All right, then. I'll give peace and harmony a chance.

That's more like it.

But if I offer her the olive branch and she don't take it, I'll slaughter Woody.

Who said you can't improve on perfection?

Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.

Look at that.

Oh, it's beautiful, darling.

Shame you missed out the tea on Saturday.

Yeah. What?

who'd have a word with Mr Lamb. Is the warden at Canby Park?

Of course.

Mrs Davidson.

I didn't miss out the tea, rotten.

Sorry.

Hello, Mrs Davidson.

Oh, an emergency has arisen, Mr Lamb, and I can't leave the home at the

Since you're a friend of Annie's, I wondered if you could cope.

Has something happened to her?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

And this rather proves that she's been responsible for the thefts all along.

What? I've had a call from Randolph's department store.

She's just been picked up for shoplifting.

Oh, no.

Although it's within my discretion, I can't see us prosecuting the old girl.

She's quite obviously loony.

Forgive me, Mr Pearce. Annie may be old, but her brain is razor sharp.

Does that mean you're suggesting we ought to prosecute her?

What? I mean, if she's as bright as you say she is, she quite obviously knew

exactly what she was doing.

Yes. No, no, I mean, she is bright, but she obviously just had a lapse of

memory. Well, it happens to us all.

I dare say, Mr. Pierce, it even happened to you.

Has it happened to you?

Ever, Mr. Pierce?

Never,

Mr. Lamb.

Now, perhaps there's a memory of one thing, but shoving a tin of talc in his

shopping bag, making a beeline for the exit, is theft, no matter how loony you

are. And I gather from the warden this wouldn't be the first thing she's taken.

What does Annie say about it all?

Not a word.

In fact, the only time she opened her mouth was to complain about the cup of

we gave her.

You can send her in, Miss Dangerfield.

I want you to impress upon her, Mr Lamb, that if she tries anything like this

again, no matter what the circumstances, we'll take her to court.

You? I know who they are, mate.

Sit down, Mrs. Freeman.

No, I'd rather stand.

Annie, sit down.

If you're going to get snappy, I suppose I might as well.

You have five minutes alone with her.

Oh, how romantic.

This isn't funny, Mrs. Freeman.

No, and you won't be laughing when I have you up for wrongful arrest.

Five minutes.

Thank you very much indeed, Mr. Pierce.

So, Annie.

Well, Vicar?

What have you got to say to yourself?

To make a rotten cup of tea.

You know what I mean.

Personally, I think the milk was all... Did you put this tin of talcum powder in

your shopping bag? Yes. And try to leave without paying for it? Yes.

Then you admit you stole it?

No, I didn't steal it.

But you didn't pay for it. No, I know. I paid for the other one.

What other one?

Oh, it's all this olive branch of stuff.

If I got it from the chemist on the corner, none of this would have

Why not? Because he don't have a revolving door, do he?

I'm sorry, Annie, but I'm really not quite following this.

Mrs Bagley's got a problem, right?

But it's of a personal nature and she don't like talking about it, but it's

something that Tulloch would ease, if you get my meaning.

So I thought this would make a good olive branch.

So I come here so I could get her something posh. And I bought her a tin

talloc, just like that.

Puts it in me bag, and on the way out through the door, I gets me shopper

in the revolving doorway, which made a dent in the tin of talloc. So I takes it

back and swaps it for another one.

And on me way out again, Mr. Plod swoops and peels the back of me

collar. Well, why didn't you tell him what happened?

Because I thought I might make a bob or two if I sold him.

I see.

Mr. Pierce, you come back in here.

Would you check your toiletry counter for a tin of talcum powder like this

a dent in it?

What kind of dent?

Hell of a big one.

What's this about?

If you find one, it may well prove Annie's innocence.

Hallelujah, my dear Watson.

Thank you, Mr. Pierce. Right.

When he gets back, I'll drive you home.

Ah, it's not my old bicker.

I just live there, that's all.

Do you know, if I didn't have old Bagley to quarrel with, I wouldn't have nobody

to talk to at all.

There must be someone you like.

Well, I don't like to say that, because you might think I'm a loose woman.

I promise I won't, Annie.

Well, you see, there is this gentleman, you see, but I didn't think he'd notice

me, but right out to the blue, he made a declaration of intent.

Really? What happened?

Well, perhaps he just wanted them for a keepsake.

What did what?

He's a bit saucy, Vicar.

I'm not easily shocked, Annie.

Well, he knocked on my door, the cheeky monkey.

And he asked if he could borrow a pair of my toys.

Philip. Hello, love.

What happened about Annie?

Oh, wrongful arrest, thank heavens. I've just driven her back to Canby Park.

So the real thief's still at large?

Afraid so.

Where did you get the telly from?

Somebody donated it for the charity store, but it's dead of a doornail.

Still, we've got masses of stuff for the store anyway.

Just after you left, a taxi drew up, a little old lady got out dragging two

cases of the most marvellous stuff.

She's still in your office.

Really? Who is she? I've no idea, but she said she wouldn't leave till she'd

seen the man with the van.

The man? Ah, that'll be Doris. You know her, then?

Doris? She's a personal friend of Bob Gildolf.

Hello, Doris. Oh, hello.

You went off yesterday without my stuff, so...

I thought I'd bring it round personal.

It's very kind of you, Doris. Are you sure you can spare all this?

All this, then, that needs it more than us.

There's some lovely things here.

There certainly are. This isn't a photograph of your husband, is it,

no.

I'm not even engaged.

It's a photograph of Annie Freeman's husband, isn't it, Doris? That's right.

And these specs look exactly like Mrs Bagley's specs.

Oh, that's probably because they are, then.

Sorry, Doris. It's all got to go back.

Go. back?

But I thought she was the man with the van.

Doris, dear, forget about the man with the van.

Let's worry about the men in the panda cars.

Annie?

Hello, Vicar.

I've just been in to see Doris.

Ah, did he persuade you to give up a wicked, wicked wife?

I'm working on it.

Have you spoken to your gentleman friends since you got back?

No.

I think I was a bit presumious about that.

I ain't seen him no more since that time I told you about.

Oh, dear. And Mrs Bagley?

What about Mrs Bagley? Did you give her the talc?

Oh, I take it she didn't accept it.

I got my own medicated talc, thank you very much.

Did you slosh her with it?

No, I couldn't be bothered.

Anyway, it would waste the talc, wouldn't it?

So it's back to fighting over the TV, is it?

Oh, I haven't got the energy, Vicar. I think I just have to learn to live with

Italian opera.

I think we can do a little better than that.

OK, Harry.

Here.

Here you are, then, Vicar. Where do you want it? Bunk it up there.

What's all this then? Well, someone left a poor, unwanted television set on our

doorstep. I thought you might give it a good home.

It hasn't got an error yet, but you should be able to watch the snooker on

Let's see.

Takes a hell of a time to warm up, doesn't it, Vicar?

Just my luck if it's a dud.

Oh, don't you worry, darling. If it's broken, I can fix it. Can you really,

Harry?

I'll get me tools.

Don't worry, Harry.

Harry can fix anything.

Hey, Vicar.

Yes, Harry?

You knew all along that tally was broken, didn't you?

Well, the suspicion had crossed my mind.

And a suspicion crosses my mind that you're a bit of a fixer and all.

Good luck, Eddie.

And you, Cupid.

Good luck, Eddie.

Oh, you're thinking that? Yeah.

Yeah.