Original subtitles

Reverend Lamb.

That's right.

Reverend Philip Lamb.

Yes, that's right.

I don't remember you having a speech impediment, sir.

Drawing pins.

It's a filthy habit. The only way I know of not losing them.

I'm sure you won't mind if we don't shake hands.

Thank you, sir.

Off you go.

We've, um, we've met before, haven't we, Inspector?

Superintendent, sir.

Oh, yes, good.

I made that mistake last time, didn't I?

I think I'm through.

I'm very sorry, I'm afraid there's a bit of a clutter in here.

Jumble sale, is it? That's right. If any of your chaps have the odd truncheon or

riot shield they're not using, you know where to bring them.

Well, what can I do for you?

We're contacting schools and churches in the area to make them aware of our

neighbourhood watch scheme. Here are some leaflets and a couple of posters,

you wouldn't mind putting them up, sir. Yes, of course.

Have they done you over yet?

What? Have you been burgled since you've moved here? Ah, not yet, touch wood.

You think it's a possibility?

No, sir, not a possibility. A dead cert.

Mind you, the professional thief won't bother your family.

Well, that's a relief.

He'll go straight for the church plate, the lead on the roof. And if your

organ's transportable, he'll have that on the back of the lorry as well.

Really?

Yeah, but the casual thief, if he's passing and you're not in, he'll be in

you'll be without.

Without what?

Anything not nailed down.

And, of course, he can always smash your place up just for the sheer hell of it.

Could he? And the more he smashes it up, the more likely it is he'll get away

with it.

Well, how does he manage that?

You'll find some psychiatrist to say that he's emotionally deprived or

disturbed.

Well, if it's true, rehabilitation is as important as punishment.

Rehabilitation? Yes, I'm putting you back on the right track again.

Right track, Vicar?

The kind of animal I'm talking about has been derailed since birth.

But he's mentally disturbed.

Nowadays, we're all mentally disturbed, sir.

Are we? I know I am, aren't you?

I never really thought about it.

Anyone seeing the things that I face in the course of a working week would be

stark raving mad.

But I'm not stark raving mad, am I?

No, no, no. Therefore, I'm not sane.

What? Therefore, I must be stark raving mad.

Did you get my drift, sir?

I think I follow you.

You'll find those leaflets contain all the basics in home protection.

Safety locks, burger alarms. Mind you, most people around here have nothing

worth stealing.

What does the Bible say again?

And him that hath nothing, what little he hath, will be half -inched of him.

I reckon God created decent folk to give criminals full employment.

You're a cynic, superintendent.

No, vicar.

Just a policeman.

Well, thank you very much indeed for all your help, Superintendent.

That's my pleasure, sir.

You can't be too careful nowadays.

A lot of tea leaves round here, sir.

Tea leaves?

Thieves, sir.

But if any of your parishioners need any advice, you just get them to contact me

at the station, sir.

Well, as a matter of fact, Superintendent, I could do with some

Oh, yes, sir?

Someone's just tea -leaved my stepladder.

Emma?

Emma, what's going on?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'll move this.

Good grief, what's all this stuff doing here?

It's for the jungle sale.

People have been arriving with stuff all day. Well, why didn't they take it

straight to the hall?

If you leave anything there, it always gets stolen.

Yeah, I can certainly vouch for that.

Oh, and there's the Mr. Sprote waiting to see you. Sprote?

Said he had an appointment.

First I've heard of it. I'm not surprised.

He's a little strange.

Strange? What do you mean, strange?

You'll find out.

What?

Oh, the Reverend Lamb. Yes, my name is Sproat.

Greg Sproat.

Short for Gregory.

After my father.

He died before I was born, but...

Well, such is the way of our Lord, who passes all understanding, wouldn't you

say? Oh, yes, yes.

Well, it's very nice to meet you, Mr. Froak. Greg, Greg, call me Greg.

does. Oh, right. Certainly. Of course.

Now, then.

I believe you told my wife you had an appointment.

Yes, I do have an appointment. I'm afraid I can't find any sign of it.

appointment is with fate.

With destiny.

Or, if I may be so presumptuous, with God.

With God? Yes, with God.

That's probably why it's not in the diary.

You are familiar with the Book of Job?

A man, a good man, is sorely tried by God.

Yes. His family die off, his camels, he gets boils, he has a really rotten time

of it.

But he never loses his faith, right?

More or less, yes.

I am Job.

What? Well, not the Job, you understand. I'm the modern equivalent.

I haven't had any camels die on me, although I do have boils.

And, of course, this.

It was like that this morning when I woke up, you see.

I can't straighten it, I can't do anything with it.

Now, some people would say it's psychosomatic, but I say it's the latest

manifestation of its divine purpose.

As for the boils, well, they came out all over me back last month when my

died. I'm so sorry. Oh, it's all right, Victor, no. I mean, she was 93. She had

a wonderful life.

Yes, we only ever had one bone of contention.

She never liked my wife, Deborah.

So it sort of made it easier, in a way, you see.

Easier? Well, when Debbie left me at the beginning of the year.

Your wife left you? Yeah, well, I don't blame her, you understand. I mean, it

was a terrible come -down for her.

What was? Well, the bank repossessed our house when my video company collapsed.

I wouldn't have minded, but I put all my redundancy money into it.

You were made redundant? Yes, but that's all part of God's plan, too, you see.

His plan?

He wants me to bear witness that despite being dumped on from a great height, my

faith is undiminished, like Job.

So I've come to you for further instruction.

I see.

I take it you're a member of this parish?

No. Mother and I used to attend St Bartholomew's. Used to? Well, Mother

going when she died.

But you still attend?

Oh, yes. Every Sunday, regular clockwork. Have you made contact with

there? Yes, yes, repeatedly.

And you've told him about God's plan?

Oh, yes. And what did he say?

Well, he said the considered opinion that I'm a loony.

But then, of course, that's all part of God's plan, too, you see.

But people should think you're a loony. Oh, yeah. What, you probably think I'm a

loony as well.

No, no, no, no, of course not, no. But I'm afraid I can't share your

interpretation of events.

Well, there's no other interpretation possible.

I mean, if there's no plan, there's no God.

Or if there is, he's got a wicked sense of humour.

Look, Greg, you've obviously had a terrible time recently, losing your

and your wife, your home, your business, your job. And the boil. And the boil.

And the hand. And the hand.

And the tropical fish.

The trop... Tropical fish.

Well, yes, you see, I used to keep tropical fish.

And then about, oh, two weeks ago, the heating system in the tank short

-circuited. And when I came home, I found a lot of them floating on the

That must have been a terrible shock. Oh, yes, yes, it was.

Mind you, I think the fish had a worse one.

But there, he was testing me at my lowest ebb, you see, and my fate

despair. So, now I have to tell the world.

I was thinking, you see, if I could enter the church as a monk or lay

well, people would listen to me.

They don't listen, you see.

No.

Well, you certainly ought to speak to someone. Have you any friends you go to?

Well, yeah, I did have friends, but they all died.

All of them? Yes, in the tank, I told you.

What do you mean, fish?

Tropical fish.

The tropical fish, yes. Well, I really meant human friends.

Not really.

Relations? Just mother.

Is there anyone you could turn to?

Well, there's God, of course. Apart from God?

No, not really.

Well, frankly, Greg, I don't think entering the church is a good idea.

I think God would be a lot happier if you tried to rediscover the excitement

beauty of the world.

Yeah, well, I suppose I could buy some more fish.

No, look, just forget about the fish.

It's people you should be meeting. Now, this parish has a number of very good

discussion groups. Oh, no, no, no. I don't think that's what God had in mind.

No, if I can't have a pulpit, I must find some other way of making people

listen. Well, thank you, Vicar.

And I know God thanks you.

Oh, dear.

The other one's gone as well now, you see.

Oh, he's not going to let me alone until I proclaim his truth to the world. Just

a second, Greg.

Oh, if you could manage the door for me, I'd be very grateful.

Oh, yes, of course. And if you want to talk again, I'm always here.

I see you're having a jumble sale.

That's right.

If you'd like to come round in the car, I could let you have a fish tank. Good

morning.

Good morning, Greg.

Ah,

Superintendent, any news of my missing stepladder? Get in, sir.

What? Come on, I'll explain on the way.

Move it!

Oh.

Gregory Sproat. Mean anything to you, sir?

Gregory Sproat? Yes, of course. I saw him a couple of days ago. The same day

stepladder went missing.

It hasn't turned up, has it? No, sir. Can I ask you what was the purpose of

Sproat's visit?

He wanted a pulpit.

Yes,

he felt he had a message for the world. And I tried to talk him out of it, of

course, and I gave him what comfort and advice I could.

Advice? Yes, I told him to try to rediscover the excitement of life.

Well, you'll be very pleased to hear he's taken your advice.

And he's occupied himself with something very exciting indeed.

Oh, that's marvellous. What's he up to? Well, just after lunchtime, he

barricaded himself into his council flat. He's got a gun, a female hostage,

he won't talk to anyone but you.

Get a move on, Fraser.

of the deck, Sam. We're on our way up.

You haven't any heart trouble, have you?

What? When we take those stairs two at a time, you won't drop dead on me, will

you? I'm not hanging around waiting to get a bullet up the backside.

I really don't think Greg will shoot me, Superintendent.

I don't either.

It's the police marksman on the roof I'm worried about.

Are you ready?

I think so.

Then start praying.

Yes, I'm all right.

I'm very glad he only lives on the first floor.

Are you absolutely sure he's got a gun?

Eric, give the vicar your hat.

Oh, thanks.

It's a bit of a large sight, I'm afraid.

I didn't want you to put it on, sir. I just want you to examine it.

Oh, sorry.

Headband, Eric?

Yes, super.

Well, it isn't a bullet hole, is it?

Well, it certainly isn't, Moss.

You mean he actually shot at you? I don't believe it.

At approximately 1 ,400 hours, I received a radio call asking me to

a disturbance in the vicinity of the Nightingale estate.

I proceeded... All right, all right, Eric. You're not in the old Bailey.

Just give him the basics.

Well, sir, a neighbour heard weird noises coming from Sprokes Flat.

She looked through the window and saw him shoving a strange woman into a

cupboard. I was called to investigate and... Are you sure we're talking about

the same man?

Mother died a month ago.

Makes regular visits to the skin clinic for boils.

That him?

Put this on, will you, sir? What? It's a bulletproof waistcoat. Oh, dear, I'm

sure this is totally unnecessary, you know.

How do you get... How do you... Careful!

Dear, dear.

I'm still certain he wouldn't hurt a fly.

Perhaps it's a fly he was aiming at when he nearly blew my head off.

All right, back on the earphones, Weatherall. Yes, sir, sir.

Any change while you were listening?

No, he's still humming hymns.

All right, then, sir? Yeah. We've got a sound probe directed at the flat, but

since asking for you, he hasn't spoken a word.

Sorry,

sir.

The quicker I talk to him, the better.

You know, sir...

Some people would say you were mad to volunteer for this.

I didn't volunteer.

Thank God for that, sir.

Greg?

Greg? I had Reverend Lamb here.

Hello, Greg.

Who's the man?

Oh!

Hello, Greg.

Now, push the button down, sir.

Oh, sorry.

First sign of trouble, we'll be in there like a shot.

Strangely enough, I don't find that very reassuring.

Hello, Greg, it's Philip Lamb. I'm coming in, all right?

You all right, Greg?

All right?

Surely good.

I'm coming in, then.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Greg?

Greg? Yes?

Ah, there you are.

Oh, there's some, uh... There's some toast here for you. Greg, do you want

What is it?

Oh, it's just a few bottles of bills.

Oh, what a great... Oh, yeah.

Here's something to cheer you up, Greg.

It's a chance to win the ladies' four -wheel drive estate car.

I can't drive, so throw it away.

Well, you could always learn.

There's not much point, really.

Why not?

I'm planning on blowing me brains out.

Are you?

Look, Greg, I wish I could see you. It's awfully boring just talking to a load

of old furniture.

Ah, there you are now. We can have a nice, relaxed chat.

Where did you get that from?

It's my dad's army revolver.

Mother used to keep it under her bed in case of the burglars.

It's a good idea. It's very sensible.

But I don't think she'd approve of you shooting a policeman.

I didn't know he was a policeman. He was kicking me door down.

Oh, so it was an accident, was it?

Well, that's what I thought at first.

But then I realised it was part of his plan.

Well, not God's plan again, is it? Of course. You really must stop blaming him

for everything you know, Greg. Well, I don't, Mr Lamb, honestly, you see.

It's just that everything that happens is preordained.

Look, why don't you come into my living room? It's more comfortable in here. I

feel more comfortable if you put that rotten gun away.

Oh.

Expecting company?

It's my wedding anniversary.

Oh.

Happy anniversary.

Not much, it wasn't.

Oh.

Who's this?

Oh, it's my wife.

I invited her round to lunch, but she never turned up.

Instead, she sent me this card.

Oh, at least that means she hasn't forgotten.

Stop pestering me, you little creep.

P .S. If you don't agree to the divorce, Ronnie will come round in person and

persuade you.

That's the chap he's living with.

It's funny, really.

What? Well, it's through me that they met.

He was the one who sold me the fish.

The tropical fish.

I'm so sorry, Greg.

Mr Lamb, when I've gone, you can have everything I leave for the jumble sale.

I want you alive and well, and that goes for your hostage, too. Now, where is

she? Who? The woman they saw you with. What? The police saw you shutting a

in a cupboard.

Oh,

I'm so ashamed. Now, where is she?

Greg, what is that?

Thank heaven's mother isn't here to see this. Yes, yes.

What is it?

It's one of those women things you blow up.

Oh, well.

Well.

It's worse than we thought, sir. What? He's talking about blowing up the

hostage.

Ah, Mrs Lamb. Where's my husband? Where's Philip?

Your husband, uh, your husband is a very brave man.

Oh, my God, he's not. What?

Well, they always say that people are very brave when something absolutely

awful's happened to them. Nothing awful has happened to your husband.

Yet. What do you mean, yet?

We took a gamble, Mrs Lamb.

Your husband believed that if he could get close enough to Sproat to talk him

out of his panic, he could persuade him to give himself up without a shot being

fired. What if he can't?

Well, he is wearing a bulletproof vest.

You see, Greg, I don't claim to understand God, but blowing out your

pretty poor advertisement for Christianity.

Mr. Lamb, may I ask you something?

Anything at all.

I'd hardly like to, really. If you can resolve the turmoil and despair you're

in, please ask away.

Well... Yes?

Do you mind if we have the telly on?

What? Well, you see, when all this turmoil happened, I realised that God

provided me with a pulpit after all.

A pulpit? Yes, you see, he's made me the centre of attraction so that people

will listen to me before I shoot myself and join him in heaven.

So, I rang the ITN.

and I gave him an exclusive interview. And with a bit of luck, I should be on

the 5 .45 news.

What's happening?

Oh, I'm not quite sure, but I think... Yes. What?

They're watching Emmerdale Farm.

Mr.

Lamb? Mr. Lamb, sir?

What's that? Are you all right, sir?

Don't panic, it's the police. The police? Try it, try it, try it. Look.

I'm just going to pop out and tell them I'm in no danger, not promising you

would do anything silly while I'm awake. Yes, but if I'm not on the news, it

means God really has deserted me, and then I've got nothing to live for.

got plenty to live for.

What? You've got to go on telling people that faith conquers despair, and God

knows, Greg, if it can conquer yours, it's worth its weight in gold. I'll be

back in a minute.

There won't be any need for guns.

Philip, are you all right?

Oh, hello, love. If I'm fine, I'll be out again in a tick.

You're not going back in there?

We just have to watch the news.

Watch it? You're making it.

Listen,

that's all.

Everyone needs that, you know.

Perhaps so, sir, but they don't do it at gunpoint.

You don't have to worry about his gun. The only person he intended that for was

himself.

Red!

I'm on the telly.

Are you all right, huh? Has he chopped himself?

Shh, what? He's on the telly.

The man told ITN in an exclusive interview that he did it for religious

Local churchman Philip Lamb is negotiating with Sprote for the release

woman.