Original subtitles

But at the end of the day, have you settled back in your comfortable

armchair to watch the latest blockbuster on your video recorder?

Isn't there some part of you that's still outside in the cold?

Oh, I don't like that.

That's not right. Not right. Some part of your conscience.

Heart. Heart. Yes.

Yes. Some part of your heart. Some part of your heart still outside with the

homeless and deprived.

Naff word, that deprived.

That's wrong. It's not right.

Let's have a look at the old thesaurus. Get something a bit stronger, a bit more

emotive. That's right. Get some guts into it. Where are we now? D, D, D, D,

D, D, D.

Where are we? D, deodorant, depraved.

Deprived, deprived.

I am deprived. I am broke, bankrupt, beggared, stripped, fleeced, robbed.

I am penniless, needy, shabby, scruffy, squalid, slummy, poor as a rat.

Poor as a church mouse.

Poor as Job's turkey.

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a bad state.

Desmond. If I hadn't spent all my gyro, I'd gladly lend you a couple of bob

to see you through.

Desmond, what are you doing out there?

I'm sick and tired of people taking you through you and giving nothing in

return. So I'm washing your windows.

Good grief, I look filthy.

Oh, then I picked the right time to wash them.

They look like that because of the rag you're using. Where did you get that?

Salvation Army.

What?

It's my shirt.

You know, sometimes, Desmond, I really despair.

I'm not a bit surprised, Philip. If I was in this state you're in, I should

despair too.

No, Desmond.

Working all the hours of day and night and nothing at all to show for it at the

end.

I'm in despair about you. I mean, look at you, look at you. It's 9 .30 in the

morning, the sun's shining, the birds are singing, and you are stinking drunk.

mean, you are, aren't you?

Drunk, yes.

Stinking no more than usual.

Why? Well, it's like the old joke, Philip. I don't have a drink problem.

It's when I stop drinking that I have the problem.

In the meantime...

If you want your windows washed, I could do with a ladder for the top half.

I'm not giving you a ladder. You'll break your neck. No, no, my dear Philip.

takes special care of children, drunks and loonies.

I qualify for two out of three. I reckon I'm pretty safe.

Philip, do you know... Oh, no.

God bless the woman in the house. I might have known.

I come downstairs, I find every window in the kitchen smeared and filthy, and

now I see you've started in here. I thought it was safer to practice on the

windows before or having a go in front.

Looks like you're still practicing.

For a matter of interest, Desmond, what are you using for water? Water?

Yes, Desmond. I try to avoid water as much as I possibly can. Yes, I know

Desmond, but if you're using your shirt to wipe the windows... His shirt?

Yes. What are you dipping it in?

Now, Philip, that is where I use considerable ingenuity.

In your back garden, I located a tin of rainwater.

That is what I'm using.

Rainwater. Then why are they such a mess?

Rainwater's very pure.

It is unbelievably pure.

Unbelievably pure.

Tin was a hell of a mess.

I think a bucket of water and a new rag is called for. And a new shirt wouldn't

come amiss, either.

No, you've had all Philip's old shirts. Yes, I know, but that lather of yours is

getting to be quite a size now, and I don't mind squeezing a bit.

Go on, round to the kitchen and I'll see what I can do. God bless the woman of

the house! Off you go, I've got a sermon to finish. Just one last word for

future reference, as it were.

What? In all humility and deepest gratitude, might I suggest cuffs with

sixteen and a half collar, and nothing in nylon, because it brings me out in

this frightful rash.

You.

You look like a right little bug.

And I'm not so little, neither. Good, come here.

This Rolls -Royce costs £16 ,000 second -hand. Do you want it?

What?

Do you want to own a car like this?

Well, yeah. Then you'll have to learn to capitalise on your assets, won't you?

And what's your only asset?

I don't know. You're bigger and presumably tougher than the rest of your

right?

Right. So keep a dirty pause off my car while I'm inside and you'll get the

other half of this fiver.

When I come out.

What?

Hey, mister.

You're a bit of a thug yourself, aren't you?

Of course I am.

How do you think I got the roller?

Oh, get off.

I should have run out first.

But I can't put this off any longer.

Do sit down.

Oscar, this is my office.

Sorry, Philip.

Force of habit.

Yeah. Working on next Sunday's sermon, I see. Yes.

Not another bash the Tories number, is it? I can't help being critical about

government policies, but I do try to be apolitical. Yes, apolitical nitwit.

Like every other clergyman who swaps the pulpit for the soapbox.

Oscar. I'm sorry, Philip, but you know that I am possessed of an unshakable

faith. That God was conservative?

Absolutely.

And is that what you wanted to see me about?

Not exactly.

You haven't met my daughter, have you?

I didn't know you had one.

I don't.

Well, I do, or I did. I mean, I suppose I still have, but I just can't quite

bring myself to think about it like that. I don't.

You follow?

No.

No, I'm not being particularly lucid, am I?

No.

Two years ago, she went and fell for a pushy little twit in my transport

department. I forgot how to go out with her ever again, so...

They became engaged.

As a result, I sacked him and said if they didn't break it off, I'd never

to her again.

Naturally, they got married.

And so I never have.

You haven't spoken to her since?

Not a word.

Well, what about your wife?

I've spoken to her.

No. I know what you mean, and Marjorie does exactly what I tell her.

Aren't you being a little inflexible?

Inflexible.

I put that girl through public school, finishing school and Redbrick

£60 ,000 I shelled out on her education so she could make packed lunches for a

minicab driver.

A minicab driver?

That's what he does.

Drives a minicab.

Hasn't even the ambition to drive a full -sized one.

Pathetic. Well, it's nice to know that you're approaching this in a healthy

Christian attitude of tolerance and reconciliation.

I don't want any tolerance or reconciliation. I just want you to go

and make a few inquiries about... about my grandson.

Your grandson?

Yes.

He's six months old, apparently, and I want to know what they're going to have

him baptised and what they're going to call him.

Obviously, they'll have to use his father's surname, which is...

Gutteridge.

Gutteridge by name and Gutteridge by nature. But if the Christian names were

be Oscar Randolph, it might just start to mend the breach. Oscar, why

don't you just pick up the phone and ask yourself?

Have you been listening to a word I've said? Yes, I have, and I think you're

behaving like a father in a Victorian melodrama. It wasn't snowing by any

when you turned your daughter from your door.

I didn't turn her from anything.

She moved out and shacked up with Gutteridge.

Not much shacking up in Victorian melodramas, is there?

Now, look, Philip.

I've got the car at the door.

She lives not ten minutes away.

And if you won't do it for me, I know that Marjorie is dying to have some news

of her grandson.

Philip, I've been given all the requirements by your lovely lady wife.

Lava, bucket, hot water...

I've forgotten the hot water. I knew it was something.

On reflection, Oscar, I think I will come with you. Oh, is that Mr.

Randolph? God bless Randolph Superstores and all who serve in her.

Thank you, Desmond. With all those shops, you must have more dirty windows

anybody in Edenville.

Just concentrate on getting mine cleaned, would you? Yeah.

Whatever you say, sir. Hey, you won't forget, will you? What?

Oh, yes, yes.

Cuffs with buttons, no nylon, 16 and a half collars. I knew you'd remember.

In fact, I bet me shirt on it.

It's number 81.

I won't be coming in.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Oscar, you've come this far.

Don't make it harder for me, Philip. What's hard about it? All you've got to

is to go and knock on the door. You can do that, surely.

No, I don't think I can.

Why not?

Because I'm not getting out of this car.

Now, keep driving around the block till I see you come out again.

You are a fool, Oscar.

Oh, do shut up. I'm coming in a minute.

Mrs. Cutridge?

Yes? Oh, I'm Philip Lamb, vicar of all saints. I'm a friend of your father.

Oh. Yes, oh.

Still, that's a hopeful sign.

What is?

Well, considering his treatment of you, I explained something a bit stronger.

I need to have got it, but I never swear in front of Vickers.

Oh.

I tell you what, I'll hang out the washing while you look after baby, all

Oh, thanks.

Did he send you?

Your father?

Yes. Well, not exactly send me, more sort of drop me off. You mean he's here?

No, but he's not far away.

What does he want?

Well, he... Sorry, what was the question again?

My father, what does he want?

It's about his grandson.

His grandson?

He'd like to patch things up, but he doesn't know how.

It's a wonderfully healthy pair of lungs.

Can I borrow him for a minute?

Borrow him?

People say I have a way with children.

Oh, but he's soaking wet. Oh, I'm used to that.

When I christened their brows, they have a tendency to respond at the other end.

There.

That's amazing.

It's a tip my father gave me. A wily old clergyman. He told me, wet or dry, they

always love to have their bottoms squeezed.

Oscar, meet your grandson.

He's wet.

So are you. He even looks like you.

Now,

why don't you go and congratulate his mother?

Well, you think he looks like me?

Yes, poor little soul. Now, go on.

I can't.

That's just your pride talking, Oscar. Surely you're a bigger man than that.

If you don't kiss and make up, I'll send Desmond round to wash your windows.

Oh, very well.

I was about to change him.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You're having him christened?

Eventually.

Any plans for a name?

We'll probably call him after his grandfather.

Hello?

Probably.

Stand there, give her a hug.

What the hell are you doing here?

I've decided to forgive and forget for the sake of my grandson.

Push off, Oscar.

You're not welcome here.

That's your pride talking, Steve. Surely you're a bigger man than that.

Big enough to kick your fat backside down this path if you don't shove off

Steve! That's all right, Angela.

Go and let your husband cool down, but I want you both to know that I'm very,

very grateful.

For what?

For calling the little chap after me.

You? I said we were calling him after his grandfather, Dad.

Where? She meant my father.

What? We're calling him George Albert Gutteridge.

George Albert?

You can't call a little baby George Albert. Tell them. Don't do me.

George Albert, I'll cut you off without a penny.

And if you dare come round here again, I'll put a coal hammer through your

windscreen. Mr. Guthrie, please.

Right. Oscar.

Right, come on, answer. Inside, come on. Mr. Guthrie, please.

Look, please, what... Where have you been?

Walking back from the Crestwell estate.

But Oscar said it was only ten minutes away.

It is the way he drives.

His car's got five gears, four normal ones and hyperspace.

Anyway, what has been happening?

Oscar's wife phoned about half an hour ago.

Marjorie? Yes.

She said he came home, took a golf club into the garden and whacked all the

heads off the peonies.

Emma, I was that far away from reconciling him and his daughter when

-law came home.

And now?

Marjorie was wondering if she should try and talk to him.

The son -in -law?

Mm, Steve.

I don't think that's a very bright idea.

She is Angela's mother. That must mean something.

Yeah, it means she's Steve's mother -in -law. We all know how husbands feel

about them.

That, if you'll excuse me saying so, is a very sexist remark.

Emma, I've told you never to say that word in this house.

Sexist. You said it again.

Go and wash your mouth out with soap.

Do you really believe that all husbands hate their mother -in -laws? I didn't

say they hated them. You get on well enough with mine, don't you? Well, of

course. Your mother -in -law's my mother, so why shouldn't I?

Don't be clever. You know what I mean. Well, as the years pass, I've learned to

become very fond of your mother.

Learned? I thought you always liked her.

Philip. I've always found her a very positive person.

Especially at the beginning, when she took a positive dislike of me.

She did not. She did. She always wanted you to marry, what's his name?

Who? That state agent, you know, the one with no chin and less hair.

Leslie Pringle. Leslie Pringle, that's it.

Leslie Pringle.

Leslie Pringle.

Whatever happened to him?

Mother says he's doing awfully well.

Well, she would say that, wouldn't she? Got his own firm and the best head of

hair money can buy.

Did she say anything about his chin?

Grown a beard.

Very wise.

But you see, the point is that even between two chums like me and your

little rivalries do exist.

Whereas a man can talk to a man about things in a way a woman can't.

Things? Yes.

Oh, you mean manly things. Yes.

Price of a pint, who's favourite for the carp, the relative merits of the latest

page three dolly bird.

What on earth are you talking about? They don't have page three dolly birds

the church times.

Mind you, it might pep it up a bit if they did.

No wonder it's such a struggle to get women priests into the Church of

Women priests? I thought we were talking about dolly birds.

Philip, can't you follow my logic? Oh, now, darling, look, let's not bother

your so -called logic at the moment, will you? Just leave the problem to me

Steve and Oscar. And if... Don't expect it to be easy.

But I'm quietly confident that a happy compromise will eventually be reached.

And if Marjorie phones, what shall I tell her?

Tell her that I'm still negotiating.

So the Chinaman opens the wardrobe and there she is, hanging upside down, stark

naked, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So he says, where's the lawnmower, right?

Right. Yeah, right. She says.

She says.

What? What's she say?

Evening, Vicar.

Evening, Vicar.

Why does she say evening, Vicar? I'll tell you outside.

Was he a Chinese, Vicar? Did I miss something?

Mr Gatteridge, isn't it?

No.

Isn't it? Didn't we meet this morning? No.

Are you sure?

I could have sworn.

So could I, Vicar. In fact, I still might if you don't let me finish my

It's amazing what you have in common with your father -in -law. Listen, if

want to become an early Christian martyr, you'll go the right way about

There's absolutely no similarities whatsoever between me and that

sadistic, stingy, self -centred wimp.

It is Mr Gutteridge, then. I thought I wasn't mistaken.

The same bad temper, the same unwillingness to listen to anyone, the

for his daughter. Love for his daughter?

Dear, oh dear.

You're the vicar of Toyland.

Oscar loves no one but Oscar.

Look, Mr Gutteridge.

I'm certain he wants to patch things up. There's nothing to patch up. If you two

could just talk to each other. Listen, when I heard he wasn't coming to the

wedding, I tried talking to him then.

You wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

Sir Angela spent the first three nights of the honeymoon in tears. Now, is that

natural? Well, it's not entirely unknown.

Sometimes the physical side of marriage can come as a bit of a shock.

I think she'd probably come to terms with it by then, don't you?

Yes.

Yes, she probably had.

But you see, these family disagreements bring joy and satisfaction to no one,

and the baptism of your son could be the ideal opportunity to... To christen him

Oscar Randolph?

Frankly, Vicar, I'd rather call him Hitler.

See? Yeah? Female customer on the plough asking specifically for your cab.

At least, I think it's your cab she's after. Right.

Mr Guthrie, save your breath, Vicar. Before I talk to Oscar, hell will freeze

over.

And this cafe will make a decent cup of coffee.

Any idea where this is?

Yeah, it's on the edge of the Heathfield Estate, near the row shops.

That's a good incident.

Sorry? I live on the Heathfield Estate, near the row shops.

Yeah, in the Vicarage. That's right.

Well, from them.

Yeah. Then I got another coincidence.

What? It's your missus that wants to catch.

Hello, darling.

I suppose you realise it's almost 11 o 'clock.

Sorry I'm late.

I'm sorry too, Emma. Sorry and a little disappointed.

Oh, you sound as if you've had a rotten evening. What's been going on?

Oh, nothing's been going on here.

Not here.

Excuse me.

Why are you disappointed?

Well, before we go into that, I'd like you to understand that I'm not angry.

Oh, goody. I have a right to be angry, but I'm not.

Fine.

Would you like to put the kettle on and make a cup of tea?

Yes, all right. No, I will not.

Not until we've had this out.

Had what out?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I specifically tell you to leave the

situation to me?

Marjorie felt she had to do something, and I felt it was my duty to help her.

that why you hired Steve's cab for the evening? And don't try to deny it,

because I was in the cafe talking to him when it happened.

I wasn't going to deny it. You can't wiggle out of it like that. Don't you

realise that I almost persuaded him to talk to Oscar when you interfered?

Had you? Yes.

Really? Yes.

Funny. Why?

That's not what Steve said.

What?

Steve said you weren't getting anywhere at all.

Did he?

Yeah. He said you were totally wasting your time.

Well, I did say almost, didn't I?

Just as well we did hire his cab. Gave us a chance to persuade him. Really? And

did it do any good?

I think you can safely pencil in Guthrie's junior's baptism for the end

month.

What?

That's all Marjorie's doing.

What was?

She actually got Oscar and Steve together in what I think you churchmen

meaningful dialogue.

Well, it was fairly meaningful this morning.

Different sort of meaningful.

You mean more meaningful meaningful?

Hopefully, yes. I left them still talking.

But how did she do it? What did she say?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Marjorie felt that silence was more eloquent.

You mean driving around all evening, excuse me, she didn't say a word?

That's right. But she's a woman. How did she manage it?

Well, she'd been working up to it all day. She even arrived with a full box of

tissues. Working up to what?

She got into the cab, settled comfortably in the back seat, and wept

an hour and a quarter.

Hour and a quarter?

75 minutes of uncontrollable sobs. It was magnificent.

He'd already been in the Guinness Book of Records.

And at the end of it, Steve was so riddled with guilt he'd have agreed to

anything. Even the grandson's name, Oscar Randolph, is sort of George

Do you know, I think Marjorie might even have managed that except for one thing.

What? She ran out of tissues.

This is the faith of the church.

This is our faith.

We believe and trust in one God.

It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it.

George?

Oscar?

Albert Randolph.

I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and

of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

I sign you the sign of the cross. Amen.

a jolly good fellow.