Original subtitles

I know it sounds pathetic, but I don't know what to say.

Oh, just say who you are and you're out.

And if they'd like to leave their name and phone number, you'll ring them back

when you return.

That's marvelous, Emma. That's terrific.

How did it start again?

Oh, no, use your own words. It's your machine.

Wish I hadn't bought it now.

Go on, have a go.

Don't talk.

All right.

Hello.

This is Philip Lamb speaking.

I'm not at home. Sorry.

But you can leave a message when you hear the tone.

Oh, and your phone number.

When you leave the message.

After you left the phone.

Oh,

this is hopeless. Oh, goodness sake, relax.

Make it more casual.

All right, all right.

Hi.

Philip Lamb here.

Oh, blast.

Now what's wrong? How can I say I'm not at home when I just said I'm here?

Darling, it's just a message.

Hi.

Philip Lamb here.

I'm not at home. You see, it doesn't make sense.

You've got to say something.

I think I've got it. I think I've got it.

Hello.

This is a recorded message.

Philip Lamb speaking.

I'm not here at the moment.

However, please leave a message and your name and number so I can phone you back

when you hear the tone.

No, I mean when you hear the tone.

Right, that's it. This thing goes back first thing tomorrow.

Perhaps you can trade it in for a door answering machine.

It's after 11.

You'll have to answer it, darling. Not another drunk, not able to find his

door key. Just grant me one trouble -free night. Amen.

All right, all right. Steady on, steady on. Let me open the door before you try

and get through it.

You the vicar?

Yes. You responsible for the hole?

The hole?

Aye, Paddy, up to here.

What hole are we talking about? The parish hall, vicar.

Oh, the hall. The hall.

Oh, well, you'd better come in.

Every Thursday night.

Coming tired of bollocks.

Sorry about this, missus.

Now, how can I help you? Yes.

Well, I'm Maurice, and this is Winston.

We're the Stukely Estate Residents Association Committee.

You never ought to allow it, vicar. It's not right. It's not Christian.

What, the Stukiest Dead Residents Association?

Ah, the noise at your parish hall. Every Thursday night there's this rock group

in there.

And it goes on till well past midnight.

And there's nothing what you can say what will stop them. Well, I'm sorry

being disturbed. I'll have a word with my church warden first thing in the

morning. Oh, no, no, no. I want you to come round and stop it now.

Well, actually, Maurice, I was just going to bed.

I was already in bed, chummy. Here, what do you think this is, eh?

White tie and towels?

What if you were just to ask them to turn it off a bit? They ain't going to

listen to us, you know. Bunch of thugs. They're even threatening violence.

Thugs? What thugs? He means the rock group. They're one of the last punk

operating. Punk? Don't worry about it. They ain't going to do nothing to a

vicar. No, no. Don't you believe it. All that cursing and violence, it's just

part of their image.

Is it? Oh, good. Like what they call themselves.

Oh, well, what do they call themselves?

Cutthroat and the ventricles.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm very sorry, but I had to get your attention.

Hey, you've killed our rampstone dead, haven't you?

Well, frankly, I think he died of exhaustion.

You were giving him a heck of a hand.

What's it got to do with you anyway?

Well, I'm the vicar of all saints, and I'm responsible for what goes on in this

church. Now, I've had various complaints from these two gentlemen.

Well, anyway, I've had complaints.

We're within our rights, vicar.

Check it out, we dug deal.

You, I take it, are Mr Throat?

Throat!

F -R -O -T -E.

Kerfro. Forgive me, but is that your real name?

He invented it.

Who is it? Isn't it?

My real name's Sidney Gooch.

Well, which do you prefer to be called?

If your name was Sidney Gooch, which would you prefer?

I suppose a bit of a toss -up, really.

You set your bookings for the all.

Nine till midnight, every Thursday, the Youth Fellowship.

Youth Fellowship?

You're not the Youth Fellowship.

Where what's left of it? Can we help it if attendances fall off?

Well, if that's the noise you make every Thursday night, I'm not entirely

surprised.

I found that last remark highly out of order.

Well, it was, wasn't it?

Definitely. Yeah, that's what I thought.

You don't like our kind of music, do you?

Well, I only heard a fraction of your dead thing, but frankly, it didn't grab

me. Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, don't think that dog collar's going to help you, pal, because I'm a

Satanist. Really?

Yeah. Look what's tattooed on these knuckles.

Satin. No!

It says Satan!

Two A's in Satan. I'm sorry, but it definitely says satin.

Satin? Yeah, in fact, it's a shiny material you make bedsheets out of. Oh.

Hey. I've got bedsheets tattooed on me, not yours.

Look, I'm very, very sorry, but if you'll further notice, I'm afraid the

fellowship will be suspended.

Oh, but we've got nowhere else to practice.

Please, Vicar. I'm sorry.

Fuck this! Oh, for heaven's sake, I'm no more a fascist than you're a musician.

I do beg your pardon.

You see, Alec, we should be able to find an earlier spot for those punks in the

church hall schedules.

That terrible music must stop by ten o 'clock at the latest. I don't know why

you're bothering. If they're causing aggro, don't let them back.

Look, Alec, the church and the hall are for everybody.

Even Kurt Froten, the ventricles. Now, let's have a look. Where are we? Where

are we? All right, now, Monday night, 7 .30.

Yoghurt for all.

Sorry, Phil, that's my writing. It's yoga for all.

Oh, yes, what? Run by that geezer Edwards from the elf shop. Well, is that

popular course?

Don't know.

But he can do the most amazing things with his stomach.

What? His stomach. He showed me once.

Amazing. Really? Yeah.

He got it going.

Like that.

His stomach? Yeah.

Yeah, one half going one way, and the other half going the other. Like that.

Good Lord.

Well, we certainly can't move the yoga.

Now, where are we now? What about QT night?

Alcoholics Anonymous and the Gilbert and Sullivan Society.

Well, then again, two splendid organisations.

Sure, you didn't hear last year's Ireland thing. Would have driven anyone

drink.

Philip, could I have a word?

Is it important?

Peter's come back from school. I think you should come and talk to him. What

about? Well, for a start, you can ask who gave him the bloody nose he's come

home with.

What?

Peter?

I hear you've been in a spot of bother.

Nothing. Come on, let's have a look.

I slipped coming out of French class.

You sure someone's fist didn't do that?

If it did, it was your fault.

What? You picked me up from school last Monday.

What's that got to do with it? You wore your dog collar, didn't you?

Well, yes, I'm a vicar.

Yes, but I told everyone you're an estate agent.

Don't worry, Dad, I can handle it.

But why say I was an estate agent? I don't even look like an estate agent.

that I knew it would happen if they found out you were a vicar.

What? This.

Is something wrong, Phil?

Alec, do you think I look like an estate agent?

Never mind.

Where have we got to?

Wednesday evening.

The Kwan Yin Martial Arts Club.

martial arts at the Church of England Parish Hall.

That's all that hot -hot -hot -hot chopping up bricks, isn't it? And each

by the sound of the screams that come out of there some nights.

Yes, well, that kind of violence has come a little too close to this family

recently. I think that's the activity we ought to move elsewhere.

Well, they won't like it, Phil. Took the organiser, Captain Beasley, months to

find a place to start with. I can't help that. We'll give him plenty of warning.

Phone him now.

I'd rather you did it.

He's got a very odd way with him.

Odd?

Inscrutable. You never know which way he's going to jump.

Or on who?

In that case, perhaps I'll inform him by letter.

Now then, where are we?

Oh, yes, now, that means we can move Kirk, Froat and company to the earlier

of Wednesday night, leaving Thursday free to start up the proper youth

fellowship again.

I wouldn't advise it, Phil.

Not for a couple of months, anyway.

Still a pretty hot potato.

Hot potato?

The youth fellowship? Why?

Well, the scandal and that.

Scandal? Well, no -one tell me any scandal.

Well, they wouldn't, would they? It was all before you took over the parish.

What happened?

Well, this geezer Farragut volunteered to run it. I mean, it was never much of

youth fellowship anyway, just an old record player, a tier, and a beaten -up

ping -pong table and a regular supply of soft porn.

Soft porn, yeah.

The first the parish council knew about it was when it was raided by the vice

squad.

The police?

Came as hell of a shock.

I'm not surprised. What about this Farragut fellow? Didn't he have any idea

was going on?

Well, of course he did.

Well, then why didn't he stop it? Well, he wouldn't, would he? Why not? Well, he

was the one supplying the porn.

Quiet!

Philip.

Captain Beasley to see you.

Who? You know.

Oh,

yeah.

And Alec was right.

What about?

He is odd.

Do sit down, Captain Beesley. Ah, Captain Beesley, come in, come in. Do

down.

Now, what can I do for you?

Yes? Did you write that?

This letter?

Yes, yes, I did.

I wrote it.

That letter.

Well, you see, that's the Vicarage heading on the top.

And that's my signature on the bottom.

So, yes, yes, I did. I certainly did.

Write that letter.

Definitely. Why?

Pardon? Why did you write that letter?

Well, frankly, the message of the church is turn the other cheek, not chop him

in the windpipe.

So I thought your martial arts club might be happier elsewhere.

Ever heard of Sherilyn Temple?

Sorry? Sherilyn Temple.

Oh, the little film star, you mean. I'm the good show.

Shaolin Temple.

A Buddhist monastery of the Tang Dynasty where karate was perfected by monks.

Monks, Mr Lamb.

Followers of God.

Well, yes, Captain Beasley, but not, and I hope I don't sound too narrow in my

thinking when I say this, not our God.

You see, if I was in charge of a Buddhist church hall, there'd be no

But we're Anglicans, and the only activities we've perfected are, um,

drives and coffee mornings.

Before you make a final decision, perhaps you ought to take part in one of

sessions.

Sessions?

Even an accused murderer is given a fair trial.

When you say take part, you don't honestly expect me to do all that?

The degree of participation is entirely up to you, Mr Lamb.

I can give you a karateki if you like.

A what?

A karate suit.

Oh, no, that won't be necessary. No, just a comfy chair and a rug for my legs

will be more than... Till Wednesday night, then.

7 .30.

Be there.

Why is it so important for you to go to this session anyway?

Well, I can't just chuck them out without a fair hearing, Emma. Beasley

quite right about that.

Personally, I can't see much difference between his lot and the punks. You

didn't hear the dead rat song?

That's what I mean. Both groups are pretty violent.

Well, it's just that I feel that music -making, however bizarre, should be

encouraged. And beating each other up shouldn't.

I just hope they don't beat you up. Oh, don't worry, love. If they try anything

like that, I shall retaliate with an old defence trick I learned as a boy.

What's that?

I'll lie on the floor and beg for mercy.

Hello, Peter. Where are you off to?

Uh, nowhere.

Didn't you have some homework to do tonight?

I'll do it when I get back.

I thought you said you weren't going anywhere.

Never mind.

I mean, on the other hand, have you been meeting some friends from school?

I haven't got any school friends, remember?

Well, I thought you were quite popular.

I am.

As a punch bag.

Captain Beasley.

Welcome to the dojo.

The what?

The dojo.

The place of the way.

Our spiritual training ground.

Our space.

Where we belong.

Well, I don't get too attached to it, Captain Beasley. After all, one man's

is another man's parish ward.

Ah, thank you. Shoes. What? Off. Right.

Good evening, Captain, but...

Aren't your members a little old for this sort of thing?

Darren's nine, Geraldine's twelve.

I know, but I'm having me in the others. The average age for this is seventy.

Isn't it a bit undignified?

I'm restoring their dignity, Mr Lamb.

Good grief.

Was that really you, Morris? Oh, hello, Vicar.

Sensei Nere.

Oops, I beg your pardon.

I didn't know you were any of this sort of thing. Well, I did until I was mugged

last Christmas. Then a couple of weeks later, they had another go at Gladys.

What?

Second time in six months they've done her for her pension.

Enough is enough, Gladys, I said. If they come for me again, I am going down

fighting. So the captain here was good enough to open it to the club.

Wado Ryu.

He's the school of peace. We rely on evasion and deflection rather than brute

force.

They may get our money, Vicar, but they'll never take our self -respect.

Here. Do you want to try a few throws?

No, thanks, Maurice. I saw what you did to those tiles.

Then have all your memories been mud?

Or burgled or bullied, like these two youngsters here. They've been having a

hell of a time at school.

Really? I think I've been a bit hasty about all this. In fact, I may have a

member for you.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

Your son joined us last week.

Hello, Dad.

Hello, son.

Off we go.

There's no -one in the vicarage at the moment.

But leave your...

There's

no one in the vicarage at the moment, but leave your name and number and we

call you back as soon as possible.

Please speak when you hear the tone.

Brilliant!

Philip! Don't say whatever I think I've cracked it. What?

I've just recorded a message on the answering machine now.

When anyone rings up, this is what they're going to hear.

Very good. I didn't know you did impressions.

The police.

I'm sure they'll find that a great comfort when they ring up. But wouldn't

something by Cliff Richard be more suitable?

I didn't put this tape in there.

Probably Miranda. Sorry, I let her do her homework in here. What's all that

noise out there? That's what I came in to tell you. It's those men from the

Residence Association.

Would you like to come in?

Here, they're at it again, Vicar. Now, what are you going to do about it? Who

are? Them punks. We saw them unloading their instruments into the hall.

Now, I thought you said they was cancelled till further notice.

I thought they were.

Would you like me to ring Alec and tell him to meet you at the hall?

Good idea. Come on, fellas. And this time, please don't leave me in the

Ah, don't you worry, Vicar. He's a white belt, you know. My fists of steel are

at your disposal.

That's very reassuring, Morris.

Hello, Alec. You got here quickly.

Have you got rid of them?

Who? They're punks.

No, they're next door, practising.

What do you think? I can't hear anything.

Oh, well, you wouldn't. I've done a deal with them. They're sure so keen to keep

them. What sort of deal?

Look, I agree to fix their ramp, provided they do without loudspeakers.

But how do they hear themselves?

See for yourself.

They're all wearing headphones.

They're the only people they can deafen to themselves.

That's absolutely brilliant.

Here we are.

Never mind, here, here, Morris.

If you're quite a new mobber getting a say in this all, kindly clear up your

gear at the end of the session.

Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I still can't believe I saw you do that, Morris.

what? He broke three tiles with one chop. Well, it's easier than it looks,

Vicar. Look, you just start gradual with one, and then you work up. Here, go on,

have a try. No, no, no.

No, no, it's all a question of concentration and faith. Now, you've got

haven't you?

If he hadn't, he'd have done the wrong job. If Morris can manage three, surely

you can do the same, Vicar.

Right, there we are.

Total commitment.

Total concentration.

Shouldn't he shout, though, when he does it? Give me that ouch.

It'll make it easier if you just focus your energy and then let it all out with

a hoo -ah.

A hoo -ah. Hoo -ah!