Original subtitles

Tell Peter Fred looks perfectly all right to me. He won't be satisfied till

feel his nose.

To see if it's dry.

That only works with dogs.

Haven't we got a thermometer?

No. Even if we had, where are you going to put it?

Oh, any sign of your parents?

No, not a glimmer. At this rate, we shan't get to Edendale till after dark.

Edendale, after dark.

Flickering lamplights, deserted streets, a shot rings out, a woman screams.

It'll be you if you don't shut up.

What's Peter's tortoise doing down here in the kitchen?

He thinks it looks off colour.

How can you possibly tell?

Perhaps he's pregnant.

How can a male tortoise be pregnant?

You don't know for certain. He's male.

Well, even if he isn't, he'd have to walk miles round here to find a member

the opposite sex. Well, you know what they say about tortoises? Slow but

determined. A bit like me, really.

I had noticed.

Oh, yes, Miranda.

If anyone phones while we're away, can you be suitably vague about our

whereabouts? What's suitably vague?

What your father is most of the time.

What? Just don't mention Edendale. We don't want the parishioners here to know

your father's even considering somewhere else.

But you're not really going to accept this new parish, are you, Dad? Well...

Absolutely not, Miranda.

We're going to Edendale this weekend because we promised the vicar's warden

there we would. But no power on earth, temporal or spiritual.

will make us move there full -time.

I'm glad you're approaching this with a totally open mind, Emma.

Oh, that sounds like them now. All right, better get the kettle on. There

are, taking that. We all know Grandad's first requirements.

Tee -dee!

Peter, get down here. Your grandparents have arrived.

Mum, if we're not leaving here, then why are you going?

You remember when your father wanted to take up hang gliding?

Yes, he bought all those magazines and you argued all the time. I kept

how dangerous it was and how I didn't want to lose him.

And eventually, he ran out of arguments and gave up the whole idea.

So why are you going?

I still don't want to lose him, only this time, I'm the one who's running out

arguments.

He really believes he needs a new challenge.

He should have let him take up hang gliding.

Yes. In the long run, it might have been safer.

Dear me.

I'm sorry we're late, darling.

Father was navigating.

Need I say more?

Hope the kettle's on.

Oh, hello, Father.

Lovely to see you. Thank you for coming. Hello.

Emma. Good heavens.

Why do you sound so surprised to see her?

Well, somebody with her looks and intelligence should have left you years

Listen, I know you're enough. Hurry to be off. Is there anything we should

Yes, I've left you a few notes. A few?

He's papered the wall for them.

Peter thinks his tortoise is dying.

Well, he was only off cover a couple of minutes ago. Oh, don't worry, Philip.

I've had lots of experience with old chaps like this. But you haven't got the

tortoise, Gran.

No, dear, but I've looked after your grandfather for 40 years.

And the resemblance is astonishing.

It's not as bad as all that.

Like any big town, it's made up of good areas and duff areas.

You just happen to hit all the duff areas.

At least the kids are lively enough.

Peter would have someone to play with at last. There's no one of his age in the

village, you know. The change could be good for him.

Hey, hey, careful!

That's just the sort of company Peter needs.

He wonders for his limited vocabulary.

You want me to drive around anymore or shall I shoot myself first? Just get us

to the hotel.

This is 303, isn't it? That's right. That's it, 303. Excuse me, you've gone

far. Beg pardon?

You passed it.

That's a matter of opinion, madam.

Pass the room.

303? Yes.

303? That's right.

Bingo!

Interesting contrast, isn't it? What is? 20th century decor, 19th century style.

I'm sure you'll be comfortable here.

Bathroom, TV.

Excuse me, these are single beds.

Yes, sir, but I was rather hoping for a double.

Oh, yes, sir.

It really doesn't matter, Phil.

Are there any rooms available with double beds? Yes, sir, but they're on

floor below.

Excuse me, but this was lying on the loose seat.

Oh, yes, 303. Lou Handel comes off, but he goes back on again.

I mean, if there are rooms available with double beds... And Sturdy and Lou

Handel. Why can't we have one of those?

Saturday night is disco night.

Well, you don't hold it in the bedrooms, do you?

Oh, no, sir.

The sprigs couldn't take it.

Now, we hold it in a starlight express cocktail lounge next to the restaurant.

Oh, is that open at weekends? Yes, madam, and there's another restaurant

opposite. Which do you recommend?

Put it like this, madam.

Whichever one you go to, you'll wish a gourd to the other.

Excuse me, but is it because of the noise we can't have a room lower down?

That's right, sir. On weekends, we always put overnight guests at least two

floors up. I thought it cushions the noise, I suppose.

Not noticeably, sir. But the management are aware of the problem and have taken

steps to ensure the guests are disturbed by the disco as little as possible. I'm

glad to hear it.

What sort of steps?

We never let it go on after two in the morning. Have a pleasant stay.

Oh, the porter was absolutely right about that restaurant.

Hot wine and cold food. Yeah, a really memorable meal.

It'll be with me for the next couple of weeks at least.

It's like something out of the Twilight Zone.

What? I keep getting this feeling that we've gone through a faith war.

And this is actually East Germany.

If you look out the window, you might see the Berlin Wall.

Well, actually, it's a lovely moonlight night.

The view of the gasworks is positively ravishing.

How very romantic.

Why not?

We've nowhere to go, nothing to do, no kids to disturb us. Just you, me, an

empty hotel room. And the starlight disco banging away till two in the

Yeah. Well, let's pretend they're serenading us.

If they keep us awake that late, well, no doubt we'll find something to do.

Why don't we shove the beds together, just in case?

And I promise to stop moaning.

After all, things can't get much worse.

No, that's true. That's very, very... Ow!

Oh, no.

Mary. No, watch your back again.

I'm afraid so.

Oh, well.

We'll just have to find something else to do till two in the morning.

Do you want me to give it a rub? No, no, no, no, no.

No, when it goes like this, it's best to walk it off.

Those blooming beds must have been made of ferroconcrete.

I know this looks silly, but it's the only thing that works at all.

I suppose you don't fancy a stroll, do you?

Is the room big enough? We'll keep bumping into each other.

Outside. The church is only 20 minutes' walk away.

You think prayer might help? Well, you were the one who was so keen on seeing

the vicarage.

All right, Grandad.

I'll take you for a toddle.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't bring your wallet. We might get mugged. Oh, Emma, is that

right?

What's wrong now?

I just wish I hadn't mentioned Mark as I don't think I want to go out now.

Don't worry, I'll look after you. Yes, but who's going to look after you? We're

not in our little village now, you know.

You're not going to lock yourself in the bathroom, are you? I'll be a safer if

we're carrying something.

Right.

This should do it.

You could give someone a very nasty clout with this. Emma, we're going after

bit of air, not a spot of GBH.

I'm not walking the street with a blue handle in my pocket.

If you want it, you carry it. All right.

But there may come a time when you'll be grateful for this.

I quite agree.

But only when it's attached to the rest of the room.

There's a back gate.

What? A back gate.

Ah.

Mind the dustbins? All right, all right.

arriving earlier than we could have seen inside tonight.

It's more important to attend the morning service incognito. That way we

observe the normal running of the church.

What are you doing?

I've left the key in the lock.

What?

You can't go in now.

You're standing out to a criminal act. I know. Isn't it exciting?

Don't put the light on.

morning properly when you're supposed to. All right.

It's more fun to prowl in the dark, anyway.

Emma, how much wine did you have at dinner? We're not doing anything wrong.

For a vicar's wife, you make a very good housebreaker.

You know, it's true what they say.

True what who say?

What? This sort of thing does give you a sort of buzz.

Buzz? Yes.

What sort of buzz?

An illicit buzz.

You are outrageous. Now, just come out of this kitchen. Oh, Philip, come on.

Let's stay and do a little exploring now we're here.

Emma. What?

Don't take one step outside this kitchen. Oh, Philip. That is an order.

All right.

Good. Let's see what's in here. Will you leave things on the road?

Oh, good evening, officer.

It's quite all right. I'm the new vicar.

Yes, mate.

And I'm the Bishop of Bath and Wells.

No means of identification whatsoever, eh?

He says it's back at his hotel, sir. Ha!

We're phoning now.

But when, sir, the woman was carrying this.

Heaven's sake, she's not a woman. She's my wife.

I mean...

When you call her the woman, it makes her sound like, you know... A suspect?

Precisely. That's precisely what she is, what you both are.

We reckon they jammied the back door with that.

Handy gadget.

Doubles as a cosh and a jammie.

And in the right light, it might also pass as a shooter.

In the right light, it might also pass for a loo handle, because that's what it

is. Then why were you carrying it?

My wife was worried.

This pacifies her, does it? No, no, no. She was worried about muggers, and we

thought we could protect ourselves with that. With a loo handle.

I know it sounds ridiculous. I said as much as the time. On the contrary,

Squire. Stroke of genius.

This could supersede the humble truncheon.

Eric, you see the man with loo handles immediately.

Oh, look, if you're not going to take this seriously, I don't see why I

Then I'll give you reason enough.

You break into church property, you have no identification, you're carrying an

offensive weapon, and then you attempt to mislead my officers by impersonating

member of the clergy. I'm impersonating nothing. Did he or did he not claim to

be the Bishop of Bath and Wells?

Actually, no, sir.

What? That was me, sir.

What was you?

I just said, oh, yes, and I am the Bishop of Bath and Wells.

It was, you know, sort of ironic.

You mean moronic, don't you?

I'm sorry, sir, but I heard a copper user on Minder and I've been dying to

it ever since.

Contact the warden at All Saints. I'm sure he can vouch for me. He has already

told us that the new vicar is not due until tomorrow afternoon.

We didn't want anyone to know that we were arriving earlier because we wanted

you to visit the church unobserved.

And nick all the gold plates, eh?

If he's a vicar, ask him to recite the Lord's Prayer.

I'll do nothing of the kind.

I think we've got him, sir.

Oh, look, please just phone the hotel. We're in room 303. We've tried.

It's either engaged or there's no reply.

I'm not surprised.

Saturday night's disco night, isn't it?

You're not staying there as well, are you?

Eric, see if that woman's got through to the number yet. For the last time,

she's not the woman. She's my wife, Emma Lamb.

And if there's no answer, it means my parents have taken the children to the

cinema in Oxford.

Oh, very inconsiderate of them, Squire. Now, look here, Inspector.

Superintendent, if you don't mind. I'm sorry, superintendent.

Mr. Dugdale, the warden's arrived, sir. At last.

Show him in, Eric.

Now.

You maintain that Mr. Dugdale will be able to identify you? Yes.

No, not exactly identify. More sort of vouch for me.

Mr. Dugdale, sir.

Good of you to come down, sir.

Nothing's wishy so far as I can tell. Well, of course it is. You, shut up.

Mr. Dugdale, have you ever seen this man before?

Don't think so, Inspector.

He's a superman. I said shut up!

He said you'd be able to identify him. No, I didn't. Shut up!

Over the phone.

Sorry, Superintendent, but I can't help you.

There's still no reply from the home number, sir.

Mrs. Lamb!

Mr. Dugdale!

Eureka! How nice to see you!

And you can positively identify the woman?

Of course, it's Mrs. Lamb, no question.

Which means that you are a vicar, like you said?

I'm afraid so, Superintendent.

I really am very sorry, but you know, you don't really look like a vicar, do

you?

Well, you don't look like a superintendent.

Just a few formalities to get through and then we'll have you driven back to

your hotel, Father.

Dick.

Eric.

Get the forms. If you hadn't arrived when you did, Mr Dugdale, we might have

to spend the night in a police cell.

True. Mind you, knowing what we're going back to, it might have been an

improvement.

What? I was just wondering if you were awake.

No, I'm fast asleep. This is a recorded message.

I don't suppose... What?

No, you wouldn't be interested.

I might be.

Another game of travel scrabble.

We haven't finished the first one yet. I know, you fell asleep.

Emma. What?

Why are we whispering?

We don't want to disturb the people in the starlight disco.

Of course. How thoughtful of us.

I suppose we could all get dressed and go downstairs and join the knees up.

Don't you think we're past all that?

Ah, well, no, that's just the trouble. You see, are we?

In truth, are we?

I mean...

When we arrived in Edendale, I wouldn't have said housebreaking was exactly our

scene. I'm absolutely certain a move here could rejuvenate us. Oh, no, not

commercials at two in the morning, please. We've allowed ourselves to

staid and middle -aged.

But it's not the years that age you.

People only grow old by deserting their ideals.

Time wrinkles the face, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.

Worry, doubt, self -interest, despair.

These are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirits

back. Into dust.

Do you know who said that?

Jimmy Tarbuck.

No. The Roman orator, Cicero.

Then get him to go to the disco with you.

What disco?

What time is it?

On the dot of two.

And they stopped.

Peace. Perfect peace. Now, long last we might get... them sleep i don't think so

what not for a bit anyway oh philip you're not going to go on talking no no

just remembered what's outside that window and it's worse than the berlin

how do you mean the hotel car park

Back in the kitchen.

Lovely.

Seems bigger than it was last night.

Well, it's not full of police anymore, is it?

We're in the kitchen, Dudley.

That'll be Mr Wilkes, the other warden.

Morning, Alec. Morning, Dudley.

Here. I know you, don't I?

I think you do.

You're the double bed in 303.

Well, it was two singles. That was the trouble.

Yeah, but I... I'll bet you shoved them together, didn't you?

Hey, if that's their car out front, I hope they locked it up. Oh, I made sure

that. And a boot?

Yes. And a window? Yes.

Do you get a lot of car theft in this area? Oh, no, not really.

Unless they take a fancy to your stereo system. Or a knife to the uphold street.

Dudley, Mr Lamb has kindly agreed at very short notice to deliver this

sermon. Oh, that's wonderful, Mr Lamb. We've been starved for a decent bit of

sermonising. Hope you've got a good night's sleep for it. You'll hear all

that in my sermon, Mr Wilson.

We might have got to bed earlier if someone at your hotel had answered the

phone. Not my fault, Mrs Lamb. I was at the disco all night.

You were at the disco?

I have to be, Mr Lamb, sir. I'm the bouncer.

For my text this morning, I have chosen a passage which has a particular

relevance to our first visit among you.

Matthew 25, verse 36.

I was sick, and ye visited me.

I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

Hello.

Nice to see you.

Your husband was brilliant, Mrs. Lamb.

The way he made every point.

It was like watching Eric and Higgins clear the table.

Twist his arm, eh? We need someone like your Philip.

I'll do what I can, Alec.

That sermon was a cracker. Aren't your father jokes funny?

It's the way I tell them, Mr Wills. Safe journey, Mr Lamb.

Make your mind up soon, will you? I will, or rather we will. Thanks, Alec.

Alec. Bye, Dudley. Bye, Richard.

You were good, Philip.

I know.

Mind you, it was mainly due to my audience. They're smashing people,

they? Wonderful.

Despite everything, I almost wish we could stay longer. Oh.

We may have to.

I think they're rather determined that we should stay.

What? Remember what Alex said about cars and theft?

Oh, Philip, they haven't taken our radio, have they? No, no, no.

They've taken our wheels.