Original subtitles

Thank you. Good morning, Victor. Morning.

Wonderful, sir.

Good. Nice to see you. Morning.

I enjoyed sermon, Vicar.

Really? You've been improving lately.

Thank you. You got into a oity -toity way of saying things.

Now, I'm happy to say you're plain as muck.

You're not quite so beneficial.

Pain on your face from the other side of the church.

I swear, if he gets any stronger, I'm going to wear a boxing glove next time.

Ah, Philip, might I have a word? As long as you don't shake his hand, Major.

What? Let's chat over coffee, Major.

I'm afraid not.

I've never been able to accept the swilling of coffee at the back of a

To me, it's a place of worship, not a blasted wimpy.

It's also a place of fellowship.

Well, if I want fellowship, there's a perfectly good pub in the village.

It's not open at this hour on a Sunday morning.

Why don't we just chat after coffee, Major? After preaching, I'd rather

a cup.

Shall we say 12?

Oh, no, no, just one cup.

Excuse me.

My copy, my study at 12.

Well, if you're ready earlier, you'll find me with Archie Coulson.

I hope not.

What? We buried him last winter.

Well, he and Archie Coulson were great friends, but heart -to -hearts of the

graveside isn't really the major style.

Well, I suppose John Wayne used to do it. Really?

I didn't know John Wayne knew Archie Coulson. No, no.

In that film, you know, what was it called?

Hello?

Oh, hello, Albert.

Oh, I'll take that.

Deputise? When?

Please, let me have the phone, Emma. I haven't heard of this, Albert.

Hang on.

You haven't asked Albert to deputise for you next Sunday, have you?

What?

Albert says you've asked him to take the services for you.

Does he? Yes.

For me?

Yes. Really? He's looking totally blank, Albert.

Did he say why?

I've just remembered.

Hello, Albert.

Thanks for ringing. Could you phone back about the details? I haven't got my

diary handy.

I have got my diary handy.

Could you... Hold on a minute, Albert.

Have you got a joint in the oven? Yes.

I only ask because I thought I could smell something burning. Yes, Philip,

called curiosity.

It'll be morning and evening service, Albert. I don't think we'll be back in

time from Edendale for... I knew it, I knew it. Well, thanks for the trouble.

you have any more problems, just ring me back. He doesn't have to ring you back

with problems. You've plenty right here.

I thought we'd agreed to tell the bishop you didn't want a new parish. No, Emma,

you and the children agreed.

If you go to Edendale, you go alone. Look, Emma.

Emma, just suppose...

Suppose that God had told me to take up this challenge. I mean, just suppose

that God had told me to do it.

Has he?

No, not really.

But this sudden urge I have to change our whole way of life, couldn't that

of be, you know... Orders from the boss.

In a manner of speaking, yes. I mean, suppose we looked out of that window and

there was a host of angels.

In the vegetable patch.

Yeah, in the vegetable patch. Why not? In the vegetable patch. And they're all

singing...

Well, you'd go then, wouldn't you? Well, of course.

Well, of course you would, because he's pulling out all the stops. But just

suppose he's talking to me quietly.

No angels, no singing, just this still, small urge.

You see, my job is more than just a trade or a skill. It's a vocation, and

sometimes sacrifices have to be made.

If I don't get started in the kitchen, Sunday lunch will be the first of those

sacrifices. Emma.

Is it there, Major?

Oh, thank my dear.

Philip, I've just been looking around the churchyard.

It's all a bit sad, isn't it?

That's an unavoidable measure. It's full of dead people.

I'm talking about the state of the grass.

What sort of mower do you use?

What? Rotary or cylinder?

Well, it goes more like that than that. Yes, I thought so. Rotary. You never get

a decent cut with those.

None of those lovely green stripes.

Well, I doubt if the occupants are too worried about it.

Well, I worry about it, especially since Archie Coulson made me his executor.

I thought it was time we had a chat about his proposed tombstone.

What's wrong with the stone up there now?

Oh, that's merely a token effort until they build the final monolith.

The what?

Monolith.

Monolith? Oh, for goodness sake.

Here's a Polaroid I took of it. Oh, thanks very much.

Oh, grief.

No wonder they put a fence round Stonehenge.

Well, it's a bit larger than the norm, I agree.

But after all, that only befits a man who left so generous a bequest to the

parish. The exact specifications are four foot three wide by six

foot four high.

Six foot four?

But that's about so high.

Well, the average headstone is only so high.

Well, what about it?

Well, there's everyone else down there, and Archie Coulson right up there.

Rather too much of the David and Goliaths, wouldn't you say?

Well, I dare say, but then in life, Archie did stand head and shoulders

the common herd.

Yes, but lying down is the same height as everyone else.

Now, you're not going to be difficult about this, are you, Philip? It's not a

question of being difficult, but the diocese lays down strict regulations

governing the size of headstones.

Regulations don't come into it. A parishioner has died and expressed a

be buried in the churchyard.

With a marble replica of the UN building dumped on top of it.

Philip, as executor, I must warn you, unless that tombstone is erected, the

money goes to the tennis club.

Well, they won't let him erect it there, either. He'll get them with the ball.

Don't be flippant, Philip.

We're talking about £20 ,000.

That's enough to patch up your roof and to furnish that new font you're always

asking for. Well, I'm sorry. Damn it, Philip, you're putting me in an

position. As vicar's warden, I want that money for the church, but as archer's

executor, I can't give it unless that stone in its entirety is erected in the

churchyard. You wouldn't settle for 10 ,000 and half a stone?

It's all or nothing, Philip.

And as for regulations, well, you know perfectly well that a special

dispensation can be obtained from the diocese. Well, I make inquiries, Major,

but I honestly think it's no go.

Well, just remember, Philip, no go, no dough.

What did he say?

That's what I thought he said.

If people would only listen to what people are saying.

I didn't find anything like that. Not on your side of the apple crumble,

perhaps.

I said it looks like 2001.

What, the carpet cleaner?

No, the film. What film?

More boring science fiction.

This great big stone arrives from outer space and suddenly the cavemen are

zooming around in rocket ships.

Well, they'll never get off the ground in this.

It's an absolute monster.

Well, the mayor said old Coulson designed it himself.

That's a bit creepy, isn't it? When I go, I don't care what you put on top of

me. Well, I hope I won't be around to put anything on top of you.

I want to be cremated.

Just eat your apple crumble.

Talking of cremation, I've got the burnt bit.

Sorry.

Here.

What did this widow say?

What? Mrs. Coulson. What does she feel about the stone?

Oh, she'll obviously want the stone her husband designed.

Have you talked to her about it?

Well, no, but... Go and talk to her, then.

What about? Go find out for yourself before jumping to conclusions.

Ah! What's the matter? Did you hear her? Did you hear your mother? What about

it? Find out for yourself before jumping to conclusions. That's what you said,

isn't it?

I've a nasty feeling I know what's coming. All I've ever asked, Emma, is

you do the same about Edendale. Oh, no, not again.

Now, shut up. Is it a crucial moment in the argument? It's always crucial.

You shut up as well.

You've done nothing but jump to conclusions about Edendale from the

You've convinced yourself it's a squalid rat hole. It is a squalid rat hole.

Everyone says so. Well, come with me on Sunday and prove it to yourself. I mean,

if you don't turn up with me, what are they going to think?

They'll think I don't fancy moving them. They'll be right.

Mum says I don't want to leave the vicarage and neither do we.

I don't mind that much. Shut up and eat your apple crumble.

I can't do both unless I shove it up my nose. You see, you lot seem to forget

what this vicarage is like in the winter.

It's sheer unadulterated hell.

lugging palatine stoves from room to room, belting up to the attic every time

rains to rearrange the buckets.

I mean, can you honestly face another winter like that? No.

But then we won't have to.

What? You've conveniently forgotten that the diocese has promised to fix the

roof and fit central heating in the autumn.

Ah. We even had a little man round last month to measure up. Remember?

Yes, I suppose I do, now you mention it. But that doesn't alter my basic

argument. All I'm asking you is to visit the place. But, Philip, what's the

point? The point?

The point is, the bishop has offered me this parish and something inside me...

Your urd? I don't know if it's an urd, the voice of God, or indigestion, but I

can't ignore it.

If I did, I'd lose all respect for myself.

Frankly, the way I've been feeling the last few months, there's not much left

lose.

Hello. Oh, Philip, I'm sorry to disturb you. I've just run into Pulteney, the

stonemasons. They can start erecting Archer's memorial on Thursday afternoon.

Can you get the dispensation by then?

I shouldn't think so for a moment.

Well, let's put it up and worry about the red tape afterwards.

We'll do no such thing.

I'm not countermanding my orders, Philip.

That stone goes up on Thursday afternoon.

Over my dead body, Major.

No, Philip, over Archer's.

I've just had a deeply depressing experience.

What? I was listening to Top of the Form on the car radio. I didn't get a single

question right.

What's all that?

Oh, jigsaws for the church jumble from Archie Coulson's widow.

He was out most evenings at his various clubs, so she used to do them for

company. How's she bearing up?

Well, quite frankly, I'm not altogether sure. She's noticed he's gone.

How do you mean?

Well, she's going on a world cruise, and then if I read the signals correctly,

she's planning to come home and settle down with her gardener.

Anyway, she's quite happy about any decision we come to about Archie's

headstone. Oh, talking of decisions, have we any say which heating system the

diocese installs? Why? Well, an article here says that certain systems can cause

problems. For example, in extreme cases, your furniture dries up and falls

apart.

Well, that would worry our furniture. It fell apart years ago.

Are the kids back from school yet? I think they're in their rooms.

Ah, ah.

Oh, I'm expecting the stonemason. Could you give me a shout when you arrive?

These don't all belong to Mrs. Coulson, do they?

Well, why shouldn't they?

Oh.

They're probably the gardeners.

Peter? What?

Oh, no!

No, why do you have to walk in like that, Dad?

Well, I knocked on the door, but you didn't answer.

Another five points, and I've become intergalactic slime blaster, first

All I did was put the light on.

It was enough to have my last stratobacume mega -slimed. Now I've got

from zero again.

Oh, well, I'm, uh... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, uh...

interfere with your struggle to keep the universe free of, uh, mega -slime.

I just, uh, I just came up here because I wanted to explain why I'm thinking of

making a change.

Now, you of all people should understand.

Why? Well, because I regard this new parish the way you feel about computers.

Now, for example, Miranda can't fathom what you see in them. She thinks I'm a

Wally.

Well, she probably thinks I'm one, too.

She's the Wally, Dad, hanging around with all those Wally boyfriends.

Ah, now, that's just the point I'm trying to make, you see. You see, she

see the attraction of computers, and you can't see the attraction of boys.

Not that you'll ever see the attraction of boys. I mean, at least I hope you

won't.

She doesn't understand that computers are the future.

And I feel this new parish is my future, OK?

OK, Dad.

OK.

Oh, back to the war against mega -slime, eh?

Stratovac a few for me, won't you?

She did not.

I bet she didn't.

Miranda. What?

Can I have a quick word?

Is it a long quick word or a short quick word?

A couple of minutes, that's all.

I'll ring you back.

Can you ring me back? With my dad.

I know.

OK. See you.

Yeah? Well, I just wanted to explain why I'm so keen for your mother to come

with me to the new parish on Sunday. Go on, then. Well, I...

Look, suppose someone offered you an exciting new make -up.

Now, you don't know if it's going to suit you until you try it on. But

your mother forbade you even to try it on just once.

But she does.

What? All the time. So do you.

Do I?

Yes, well, I may have done in the past, but now, now I think it's a very

blinkered attitude.

You think people should try things out before saying no.

Exactly. Ah, well, no, not everything.

But in certain cases, yes.

Fantastic, Dad.

Karen just had her hair done like this. And she said to give me the stuff to do

mine just like it. But Mum won't let me try it even once.

And if it doesn't suit me, it just washes out again.

Oh.

Isn't it a little bit, um, violent?

We can't tell that till it's on. So can I go ahead with it?

It looks absolutely frightful.

You're the one that said we should try things out before saying no.

Please, Dad.

Philip! Mr. Poulton is here!

You really want to look like this?

Go on, Dad, please.

Oh, all right.

But no ring through your nose.

Please.

Mr. Pulte, thanks so much for dropping in. It's in my interest as much as

sir. When I hear that our work is not appreciated, I like to know why.

Your work is splendid, Mr. Pope. It's just that in this case, there's too much

of it.

Compared to some of our past creations, sir, that stone is a mere pebble. That

may be so, but you see, fashions change, even in graveyards. When I first

started out as an apprentice, we were still influenced by the great Victorian

era, when memorials stood taller than the men they commemorated.

In those days, Mr. Lamb, people knew how to die.

In style.

Now, it's our skill that's dying.

There's no call for it. But there is, Mr. Pulteney. In fact, we may have a

commission for you very soon. We need a new font, but funds for that will only

be available if we find a solution to our problem. You mean the stone being

feet over the forefoot limit? Exactly. Now, I was wondering if you could

possibly erect the stone with the two extra feet below ground.

What? Bury it upside down?

No, no, no, no, no. The bottom two feet. You see, in order to qualify for the

legacy, the whole stone has to be erected. But, Mr Lamb, that stone's been

designed to take both the name of Mr Coulson and his spouse.

So, where does she go?

I'm not sure she's ready to go at all yet.

Space has been left under the name of Mr Coulson for that of his wife.

But if you bury the stone two feet under, bang goes her space, doesn't it?

I suppose it does, really.

Besides, isn't it enough to bury Mr. Coulson without burying his stone as

It's made of the finest Italian marble.

Is it? In fact, that stone's perfect for making your font.

A six -foot font?

I don't think so, Mr. Peltney. I need a ladder to baptize the baby.

Are you responsible for this, Philip?

I keep telling you it washes out. It did better.

What's this?

Mr. Colson Stone.

The devil it is.

Well, you see, Major, the vicar and I had a little discussion.

Did you indeed?

Well, the vicar and I will have another little discussion.

Oh, hello. Is that the Compton Hotel, Edendale?

Oh, good. Have you got a room available for Saturday night?

Thanks a lot.

Who says she didn't say Miranda could do that with her hair?

Has it come out? Just about.

Did she like the effect?

Not particularly.

All right, so she tried it, didn't like it, and it'll never be mentioned again.

Why not give Edendale the same chance?

You gaming toad. I go to attend the morning service incognito, so I thought

drive down on the Saturday and stay overnight.

Oh, good.

A single or double? Hold on a minute.

What do you say, Emma?

If I don't come with you, you'll give it a glowing report and I'll never know

for sure how horrible it really is.

But don't expect me to be pleasant with everyone.

Just be your lovely, surly self.

Hello. Yeah, double room with bath in the name of Lamb. Yeah, Mr and Mrs Lamb.

I, um, don't suppose the bridal suite's available? Billy!

No, just joking. That's fine. A double room will be fine.

Thanks a lot.

Bye.

Bridal. Well, I thought we could treat it as a second honeymoon. In Edendale?

No, thank you.

Well, I thought it might make up for the disappointment.

What, of the first honeymoon?

Certainly not.

This letter came from the diocese.

The central heating man was actually a structural engineer doing a survey on

house. That's his report.

They're going to pull it down.

Or auction it off.

But they can't. They're going to build a smaller vicarage, but it won't be ready

till the spring, so it means another winter of discontent and woolly vests.

Unless, of course, we move to Edendale. I mean, the vicarage there isn't a patch

on this one, but it does have central heating and the roof definitely does not

leak. Oh, Philip, how can they bear to destroy this lovely old place?

Apparently that kind of desecration comes easily to members of the clergy.

afternoon, Major. I have just come from the churchyard where I encountered

Pulteney erecting a...

stump, a truncated thing.

You mean Mr. Coulson's gravestone? Rather, what's left of it. Oh, Philip,

could you deliberately to deprive the parish of £20 ,000?

I've deprived them of nothing. In fact, I've commissioned a font for Mr.

Pulteney, and all we have to pay for is the labour.

Not with Archie's money, you won't. You can't withhold the bequest, not now.

Philip has failed to carry out the terms of the will.

No, I haven't. The stone will be erected in its entirety within the confines of

the churchyard.

What do you mean?

Hopefully he's worked the whole thing out. Here you are. These are his

instructions.

He's taken a bit off the top and a bit off the sides, so with careful juggling

he can use the offcuts to make the new font.

He's agreed to save every chip he knocks off so we can concrete them all

together and make a doorstop for the entrance to the best place.

Which, of course, like the font, is inside the church, which, along with the

rest of the stone, is clearly inside the churchyard.

I see.

And what does his widow say to this hacking of her husband's stone to

Well, actually, it was she who gave me the idea.

What do you mean?

She does jigsaws. What?

But apart from that, she's all for it.

Well, all right, Philip, but I'm not happy about it.

It was Archie's wish to rest in peace, not in pieces.

I'm sorry about this old place. I know how much you love it.

Can't we save it? It's just too big, Emma.

Mm -hmm.

Like Archie Cole from Tombstone.

I'm sorry the major didn't like our solution.

So at least the widow's happy.

Is she?

Absolutely. She thinks it's very fitting her husband should supply the new font.

Why's that?

He used to work for the waterboard.

Yeah.