Original subtitles

Well, it's a typical Christmas in California.

70 degrees, the surfing is great, and everyone's out of school going bonkers.

20 minutes?

But for Luce, Christmas ain't that fun.

He gets sort of edgy. It's gonna be another 20, so I can't even get a good

in.

Luce, it's Christmas.

You just gotta deal with it.

Have a piece of toast.

An NP?

A thinking end piece. Can I not get anything nice around here?

We get stressed during the holidays.

Sorry. I get like that, too. And it's not just because we can't get a good

in. Luce and I have got good reason not to dig Christmas anymore.

Ever since we've gotten older, we've gotten lousier presents.

You ain't lying.

Socks and underwear.

Socks and underwear. I mean, I know that Christmas is about giving and not

getting, but this is out of control.

And poor Luce has got it worse than I do. My family's crafty, so they make

stuff. Last Christmas, my Nana knitted this baseball glove.

And that.

But if there was one thing that Zeke and I wanted, I know what it would be.

Don't say it, Luke. We promised we wouldn't torture ourselves.

The Turf Monster.

And we said it.

The Turf Monster! You know you want it.

The Turf Monster!

You know you want it.

The Turf Monster!

You know you want it.

Man, I want it. I mean, imagine the places we could take that thing. But now

that we're older, the days of getting good presents are long gone.

I mean, seriously, Luke, come here.

Please, for me, just eat a cantaloupe and relax.

I don't want a cantaloupe.

I want a middle piece of bread, not a butt beat.

That wasn't supposed to happen.

Sorry about that, sir.

Dude, we messed up Santa bad.

Wait, don't tell me. Dude, you won't believe what happened. Yes, no, maybe.

Don't forget that I'm a genius. Are you crazy? Someone should be listening to

us. Wait, don't tell me. Not again.

Would you just calm down? Is there a problem?

Let's get a pizza.

And then we'll act like nothing ever happened.

Hey, bingo gels, bingo gels, bingo gels. Hold on.

Santa, sir.

How many fingers?

I think he's hungry.

You know this guy over here? Of course I know him, you doorknob.

Come on, old -timer.

Snap out of it. Oh, bingo gels, bingo gels.

You've got to be kidding me.

I finally find the most legit -looking Santa in the history of all Santas. Some

yahoo throws a melon.

Yeah, I hate melons.

Look at him. He's perfect.

Real beard, rosy cheeks.

Don't worry, sir. I mean... What do you mean, don't worry? We have a job at the

Gilroy Galleria in 45 minutes. Yeah? What kind of job? He's a mall Santa, you

hockey puck.

Kids sit on his lap, parents snap a picture.

So what do you do?

I'm a pro basketball player.

You know, I don't like you.

Well, Mr. Alpha, we'll take him to the doctor, but I'm sure he's going to be

fine.

I don't know if the elf is mean.

Ladies and gentlemen, The toy sensation of the Christmas season, the Pootie Poo.

As you know, these lovable little things, pooties, are sold out in stores.

Probably because I bought them all back in July.

Question from John Q. Customer.

Do you offer free gift wrapping?

Yes, we do, for $9 .95.

Okay, step on up, one for customer.

Follow -up question. I noticed the hefty $75 price tag. May I use a coupon from

the Rib Shack?

No, Ozzie.

This is highway robbery!

I'll take one.

Cutting. Possible cut.

Doctor says Santa's going to be fine. He just needs a lot of food and a lot of

rest. Yeah. He's on his third bowl of soup.

He doesn't seem tired.

There's got to be another Santa who needs an elf. What's he doing? Hey, what

about old Gus Philpot? Talking to his agent. He said what?

Well, tell him he's got an anger problem.

I got bupkis. Thanks for ruining my Christmas.

Wait a second. What about your job at the mall? What about all the kids

to see Santa?

All those kids waiting to see Santa.

Don't put this on me. You guys messed this thing up.

Okay, Leith, I know that we have issues with Christmas, but this doesn't feel

good.

Those kids, those lovable, stinking kids are just waiting.

What are you thinking?

Hey, you want to do this?

Let's do it.

What'd I do?

Hey,

kid, what do you want for Christmas?

Okay.

Don't you think you're a little old? a pain on Santa's lap, kid?

Some say I'm too old for pacifiers, but they relax me.

I'll tell you, what do you want for Christmas?

Oh, nothing.

Just felt like chatting.

Okay, all right. Okay, let's... Come on, Jack!

What have we got here? Looks just like a workshop at home.

Okay,

random Santa guy, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my garage and...

Ladies?

You're fired!

Hey, you've got some skills, Big Red. Well, I've had a little practice.

Nice laugh.

Way to keep things Christmassy.

So here's the deal. Basically, I... I have 24 hours to unload a pallet of

poopies. I need some serious help around here.

What do you say?

You do the wrapping, I'll do the selling.

Well, Santa's got a lot of presents to deliver tonight.

All right, one question.

What are you going to do with the money you make?

Spa weekend, baby.

Massage, manicure, pedicure, the work.

Why? Because I deserve it. You know, this is the season of... Giving, yeah.

Please. Call me Santa.

Hey, I'll buy you the Prince of Pancakes if you just keep rapping like that.

Yeah.

All right, kid, what can Santa get you this Christmas?

I want the Turf Monster.

I know you want it. It's got fat tires for going off -road? Yes, kid, I know.

Santa knows exactly what a Turf Monster is. You couldn't handle that much

awesomeness.

Dude, sorry. You want a candy cane?

Thanks for stopping by.

All right, come on. You know where to go.

All right, bro.

Good Christmas deed done. Let's get out of here.

I'm sort of bummed. All these kids talking about these Christmas gifts

going to get. I know. Everyone's going to be looking forward to Christmas

morning except us.

Oh, Santa, baby!

Don't forget my candy!

Oh, no.

Here comes Kirby.

Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, up walked Kirby Cheddar, the

most spoiledest kid in Gilroy.

Check it out.

Limited edition air dampening. $3 ,000 gold watch. Yeah, rumor has it his

underwear is lined with lamb foot.

But really, Kirby's smile says it all.

This is the smile of a kid who gets everything he wants.

Judge, write down anything he says, and I'll get it for him.

Okay,

let's get started.

I want twinning bicycles, one for weekdays and one for weekends. And like

Luther and I were handed the Christmas miracle we were looking for. I wonder if

Luther's thinking what I'm thinking.

Regia, can you write anything I want on this list?

Two turf monsters.

And if you get me all those things, it'll be a very good Christmas ending.

Please tell me you did what I hope you did. We got two turf monsters.

Luke and I covered for you. Oh, I see what's going on. You guys stole my job.

No, no, no. We were trying to steal your job. Come on. Take it easy.

I'm done taking it easy.

Go, go, go, go.

I'll go get you.

It's finally here.

Christmas. Besides an angry elf chasing Luke and I, I think it's going to be a

good one.

First time in years, I might get a Christmas present that I actually want.

How much is your deluxe spa retreat?

Manicure, pedicure, yogurt wrap.

Let

me

guess, up all night delivering Christmas presents?

Sorry about that.

$500 an hour?

No problem.

Make it two hours.

Merry Christmas, bro.

You too, bro.

Oh, that's good.

Okay, now before Kirby opens our present, don't think I forgot about our

gift. Aw,

$20. Bro, now that's all.

Here's your $20.

Merry Christmas.

Okay.

Now he's taking off the bow.

Now he's showing the bow to his mom.

Now he's sniffing the bow.

Just hurry up and open it, you little nut!

That's right, you cheese nuts.

I ain't going nowhere!

We finally

got them. We got our turf monsters.

Getting them from Cheddar was easier than we thought. After the coast was

we just knocked on the door.

Hello, Mrs. Cheddar. Merry Christmas. Yep, we're collecting unwanted gifts for

the greedy.

Needy. I have two skating boards my bubble cheeks doesn't want.

I'll go get them.

Oh, here are some holiday perron puddings for you.

Double score.

Come on, let's go air these puppies out.

Oh, Mr.

Santa. Are you sleeping?

Time to find out who you really are.

Santa Claus, 28 ice... East Road.

North Pole.

Sick ID.

You've got to be kidding me.

Ginger.

Are you looking for something? No, just passing through. You're probably

wondering why I'm not up at the North Pole.

Since you mention it. I had a busy night. So I thought I'd rest up a little

before I went back on my long trip home.

Right. Well, you better get your rest.

Just lay back. Yep.

And you can just put my wallet back in my coat.

Can't wait to take these babies off for us.

Ooh, the turf monster.

You know you want it. Bro, I'm filled with Christmas vibes right now.

Great.

Hey, Cheddar, what's shaking?

Nothing.

Cheddar, cheer up.

Okay, Cheddar, stop crying.

Bro, he's messing up my holiday vibe.

What was I thinking?

Cheddar may be spoiled, but he's still a kid.

Zeke's not a bad person, okay? He just makes bad decisions sometimes.

Me? What about you?

Yeah, me too. That's right. The point is that we had to do something to make

things right.

Okay, let's take it out.

Okay, here's what I heard.

that Santa was up in Yuba City last night and he had sleigh trouble.

Really? Sleigh trouble? What kind of sleigh trouble? Just sleigh trouble,

Oh, I hear you, bro.

But what kind of sleigh trouble? It doesn't matter. The point is that it's

Christmas today, which means technically Santa has till the end of the day to

deliver all his Christmas junk. Oh, sleigh trouble.

So I still might get my present? You said it yourself. You've been a good boy

all year. You're golden.

So, what did you want for Christmas?

I want a booty pool.

A booty pool. I think I know... I mean, I think Santa knows exactly where to

find one of those.

Sold out? You had a garage full of them.

What do you want one for?

We're trying to make a boy's Christmas dreams come true, okay?

It's a classic.

Oh, isn't that special?

Last one just went off with that driver.

Yo, buddy, hey! Guys, hold on.

This guy can get you one.

Mr. Christmas Wish, Mr. Jolly all the time. Santa, these guys need a Christmas

miracle. Look, it just doesn't work that way. I can't possibly just... Didn't

think so.

The last Poodie Poo and Gilroy is on that delivery truck.

Let's hop on it.

Ginger, I don't think you really understand what Christmas is all about.

Yeah, I do.

It's about a luxurious weekend at the spa.

Ginger, Christmas is about giving.

Even your brother Zeke learned that.

I am so sick of the Santa act.

You want giving? I'll give you this whole stack of cash if you just admit

you're not Santa Claus.

All right, you got me.

My name is Wesley Gettleson. I sell doors, and I like to dress up like Santa

Claus at the holidays.

I knew it.

Keep your money, Ginger.

You don't need to go to a fancy spa to make yourself feel good inside.

Kirby's Christmas dreams are now driving away in that van. And all because of

Santa's little helper.

All right, Stretch.

It's time to cha -cha. You ruined my Christmas.

Now I'm going to ruin your fate.

Bro, seriously, what do I do? I'm pretty sure punching an elf is bad luck.

Okay,

it is off!

Clearly there was more going on here than just a ticked off belt. This guy

devoted his entire Christmas to messing with him. And then it hit me.

He had nowhere else to go.

Bro, he's not fighting dirty. He's just fighting weird.

Time out, time out. I want to ask you something.

What? I was wondering if after you're done beating up my friend, if you wanted

to come to a Christmas party with us.

Look, we're really sorry that we accidentally wrecked your Christmas.

We didn't mean to.

What do you say?

That'll be real nice.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're not telling me when I got beat up by an elf.

So we made one person's Christmas a little better.

But it doesn't take away the sting that we're feeling about Kirby.

Yeah, he didn't get a pootie.

So we had to give him something.

So we're going to give him this old football.

Where are you going?

I'm going to a party.

What's up, Sergio?

Oh, everybody actually showed up.

Wow, where'd all this food come from?

We're a travel fast, my friend. A mystery donor supplied this scrumptious

spread. All hail the mystery donor.

Woo!

Whoever spent their money on all this made a lot of people happy.

How do you feel?

I feel a warm, gooey feeling inside.

I can stand this once a year.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

I mean, with me.

Merry Christmas, Ginger.

Seeing Kirby's hopeful face, it made me realize that Luth and I shouldn't have

cared so much about what we wanted.

This gift is to Kirby from Santa.

Unfortunately, he was about to get crushed. It was all our fault.

Hey,

we can put a football in there.

Change, where'd your friend go?

Guess he's going back home.

28 Ice Road.

North Pole.

I thought I heard a sleigh bell.

Yeah, me too.

So, Oz, what's the deal with these pootie poos? Why are they so great?

I will show you. Can pootie sit in your hand?

Sure.

Tickle his tummy. He makes a little noise.

And out comes the yummy.

What is that?

It's raisins.

Pootie's nothing but a lovable raisin dispenser.

Yeah, I'll just stick to eating raisins out of the box.