All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s06e21 Crisis in Education

Now, Billy, what you did was
reprehensible.

Thank you, Mrs. Hartley.

Billy, being reprehensible is not an
achievement.

It is when you're 10.

Alice, I told you I didn't want to be
disturbed.

What emergency?

We're out of paste?

Alice, don't panic. We've been out of
paste before.

No, we don't have to close the school
down.

Yes, I will take full responsibility.

Yes?

Hi. Oh, listen, you're busy. I'll just
wait. No, no, no, Carol. No, no, no,

you're busy. I haven't got time. No,
you're busy. Carol, sit.

Sorry,

Carol. Just have it.

I was so down from job hunting, I just
wanted to look at a friendly face.

Thanks, kid.

Yes, Alice.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Substitute teacher locked herself in a
closet who will not come out until the

children return her wig.

You stay right there, Billy.

So,

what

are you in for?

Frogs. Is this your first offense?

Aha! A three -time frogger.

Fun, huh?

Well, frogs may not be that serious, but
that's only the beginning, you know.

Pretty soon you move on to spitballs.
Next thing it's tacks on your seat, and

before you know it, you're using the
hard stuff.

Nuclear weapons.

Boy, would that make Mrs. Hartley mad.

Poor woman.

Totally bald.

Hi, Billy.

Late, and I'm tired.

This is your last warning. No more frogs
or I'm calling your parents.

Mrs. Hartley, I'm finished with frogs
forever.

Good. It's time to move on.

Rough day, huh?

Normal.

Well, at least you have a job. Yeah, you
want it.

How do you handle the stress?

Well, you know, it's something you
learn.

And besides, my principal, Mr.
Bannister, is a big help. He always has

words to help me cope.

I am going to kill myself. Excuse me.

Boy, that guy could use a pep talk from
Principal Bannister.

That is Principal Bannister.

Phil, I'd like you to meet Carol
Bondurant. How do you do?

Phil, what's the matter?

We got the reading scores back.

That bad?

Worst in the history of the school ever.

And you know what that means?

Head will roll.

Come on, Phil. No, no, no, believe me.
The parents are going to be furious.

They're going to be looking for a
scapegoat. And guess who that will be?

Well, now, maybe the parents won't find
out.

It'll be in tonight's newspaper.

The only way they won't find out is if
they ask their kids to read it to them.

Maybe it won't be that bad.

No, no, no, I am through.

I know it. I know it. I just hope they
don't hurt me physically.

Come on, Phil, stop it.

Sure, you're worried now you're under
pressure, but you'll find some way to

it out. No, I won't.

Emily, I... Emily, you know, I believe
you are right.

Certainly. Things can't possibly be as
bad as they seem. I shall have to handle

this matter like an educator.

Like an administrator of many years'
experience, which is exactly what I

to be. That's right.

Well, ladies, shall we go home?

Yeah, I guess it is about that time.
Good, good. I will walk you to your car.

Oh, thank you. Thanks.

All right, run for it!

Thank you, Emily. Thanks a lot.

Thanks for what you said and for
listening. Oh, honey, anytime.

Hi, Emily. You decent?

What if I wasn't, Howard? What if I was
standing here totally undressed?

That's your house.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, Howard. I was just on my way out.
Well, you're going in the right

Have I had to sell your blood yet?

Hi, Emily.

Hi, Gerald. What are you two up to?

We were just playing cards in Howard's
apartment. Thought we'd come up and see

how you're getting along without Bob.

Need any jars open?

Everything's fine.

I'm going to jump into a hot bath.

I sure miss Bob when he's gone.

Look, Jer, Bob's couch.

Remember when he used to sit right here?

Look, I hate to throw you two guys.
Remember when he used to sit over in

spot there?

It's really been a long time. Remember
when he used to sit in the middle there?

Yeah, Bob, he did it all.

Remember when he used to put his little
head on his little pillow?

Look, Jer, Bob's little pillow.

Remember when he used to say, Howard, go
home?

Yeah, Howard, go home.

Howard, go home.

That's very good, but Bob does it
better.

For once, I know what Howard's talking
about. I really miss the little guy,

I mean, after all, we're best friends.

What'd you say?

I just think that Bob and I, you know,
are best friends.

You're not Bob's best friend.

I'm Bob's best friend. Oh, Howard, come
off it. Does he live in your building?

Does he let you put your hands in his
mouth?

Nobody would if I lost something in it.

Everybody knows that Bob and I are best
friends. Well, I don't know it. You

don't know anything.

Don't change the subject.

Okay, I know who gets it. Well, it's
Emily. Emily, who's Bob's best friend?

I am.

Come on, Emily, get serious.

Okay, if you're his best friend, what's
his favorite color? Blue. Red. Gray.

Gray? Who's got gray for a favorite
color? Your best friend.

All right, stop this silliness, okay?

What's his pet peeve?

People who tailgate. Wet newspapers.

Bad service in restaurants.

I just go to show you that certain
people don't tell certain things to

wives or casual acquaintances. His
favorite food?

Steak. Bob loves steak. He likes steak,
but he loves lobster.

Yes, but he adores meatloaf. Ah, yeah.

His favorite song. I know this.

Stardust. Smoke is in your eyes. Autumn
leaves.

You two are guessing.

Why don't we just call Bob and ask him?
You're on board and okay, Emily. Do you

know Bob's hotel telephone number? This
is silly, guys. I mean, but I will call

him. How come you didn't call him? I'm
his best friend.

He married me.

Only because you're a woman.

Hot for me.

Yeah, look, Emily, I'm supposed to be
out of this room. I overslept and it's

past checkout time.

Yeah, so why don't I call you from the
airport?

What?

I guess green.

Yeah, look, I really have to... I don't
know.

Roast duck.

What about meatloaf?

Emily, people who talk out loud in
theaters.

The theme from The High and the Mighty.

Emily?

Listen, I really... I really should be
getting out of here.

I guess the old man in the seat.

Emily?

Principal Bannister come in yet?

Well, let me know as soon as you hear
from him.

A what?

A delegation of parents?

Are they carrying torches?

Yeah. Okay, I'll see him.

Yes?

Mrs. Hartley, Sal Patron, irate parent.

And I'm Wanda Moss, concerned mother of
nine, with one pending.

Won't you come in and sit down? Thank
you, Mrs. Hartley.

See, I spent a lot of time in this
office.

Oh, really? Did you go to this school?

Yeah, raised once for weight.

Best ten years of my life.

Well, uh, what can I do for you? Mrs.
Hartley, we represent the members of

Wicoka. Wicoka? Yeah. Why can't our kids
read?

Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't familiar with,
uh... With Coker.

With Coker, Mrs. Hartley, is a group of
parents who have children at this

school. The group has long been
concerned with the continuing decline in

quality of education.

Oh, really?

Oh, when did this group start?

Last night.

And here's a list of our non -negotiable
demands.

Uh, you don't teach reading, do you? I
gotta get back to work in an hour.

Mr. Patron?

These demands are unreasonable.

Immediate resignation of the principal.

Hey, when a team loses, they fire the
coach.

Return to structured classrooms, limited
curriculum, corporal punishment. I

mean, these are the kind of things we've
been trying to move away from.

If our demands aren't met, we'll pull
our kids out of school. We'll close this

place down. And we'll keep them out
until something is done.

Look.

I mean, I'm just the vice principal, and
I'm sure if Principal Bannister were

here, he would suggest that we all sit
down and try and work this out. We've

already got a meeting set tonight at 8 o
'clock, and you and the principal

better be at it.

Well, we'll be here.

Will he be able to read?

Not right away.

principal banister shown up yet?

Oh, never mind. He just came in.

Well, Emily, how is it going, eh?

How is it going, Phil?

We're in chaos here.

I mean, angry telegrams, threatening
phone calls, hostile committees.

I'm sure you had a very good reason for
not being here.

Nope.

Bill, you feel all right?

Never better. You see, Emily, people
handle pressures differently.

Now, some people drink, some stuff
themselves, some pop pills.

I travel.

I beg your pardon?

You've heard that saying, when the going
gets tough, the tough get going.

Well, I'm going to Montana.

There we are.

How do you like it?

Phil, what are you talking about?

Emily, you are in charge of the school,
and I am going fishing.

Phil, you can't lay this off on me. I
mean, we're in crisis here. I know

exactly why I'm leaving. However, if
things get too rough, just give me a

okay? There is my number.

Oh.

Well, that does it.

I'm calling his parents.

Emily, why are you so upset? Now, this
is not your job. You're still just vice

principal.

Well, I mean, the superintendent did say
you would take over the meeting for me.

I told him I'd let him know he's going
to call later.

Oh, great. Then you're off the hook.

Oh, Carol.

After what Principal Bannister did, I am
a little sensitive towards having to do

with fishing.

You see, I have the feeling that the
superintendent is watching to see how I

handle this. You know, offering his help
is a kind of test.

Sure, to see if he'll take the bait.

Oh, sorry.

You see, if I assume this
responsibility, I mean, I could wind up

principal. Emily, if you really don't
want to do this, I'm sure there's a

responsible way for you to worm out of
it. Oh! I'm sorry. I swear I'm not doing

this on purpose. I swear.

Are you through?

Sorry. All you have to do is tell me not
to do something, and I fall for it

hook, line, and... Now I'm through.
Well, then... You know, it could get

pretty rough in there tonight. But, you
know, on the other hand, I mean, I

really want to do something to help
this... schools. Well, why don't you

Bob and see what he thinks? I thought
about that, Carol.

You know, I'd really like to make this
decision on my own.

Besides, Bob's got bigger fish to fry.
Oh, God, now I'm doing it myself.

Okay, I may call Bob. We're going to
settle this thing once and for all.

this is stupid.

Are you two still arguing over who's
Bob's best friend? Howard is arguing. I

think this whole thing is childish.

Right, I'm his best friend. Liar, liar,
pants on fire.

That's him. Oh, how can you tell,
Howard?

I'm his best friend. I can recognize the
ring.

Lord, I am expecting a call.

Before you say anything, just answer one
thing. Who's your best friend?

Joel Katzman?

Joel Katzman's his best friend.

Hello.

Hello, Superintendent.

Wait, he asked me to ask him to pick up
the airport. I'll tell him, go get Joel

Katzman.

Well, no, I really gave it a lot of
thought.

And I've decided I'd like to handle the
meeting myself tonight.

Yeah, thank you.

I'm going to meet it.

Oh, dear.

Joel Katzman, I'm going to go downstairs
and tear up all my Bob Hartley

pictures.

See, Howard, you don't understand.

Bob doesn't even know Joel Katzman. He
doesn't even know him. He likes him

better than me.

Can't we have him declared something?

All you're going to do is... That's
terrific. What made you decide?

No, I mean, I just decided that I'm
going to do this thing. I mean, I

that I'm bright enough and I'm strong
enough and I'm experienced enough to

handle this thing. I just want to do it.

There's only one thing that I need.
What's that?

Come with me, please.

Who

made

the cupcakes?

My future homemakers.

Aren't they yum -yum?

I was thinking if things got hot
tonight, they'd be great to throw.

Trouble?

No, no, Mr. Creeper. Patron, you always
were a bad egg. Now straighten up and

fly right.

Yes, Mr. Creeper.

Creeper, Creeper, face like a... Well,

here goes.

Oh, relax, Emily. It'll go like
clockwork.

Careful.

Well, here goes nothing. Oh, go get him,
Tiger.

Please take their seats.

Please.

Hey, how come the teachers get the good
seats?

On your lip, Patron.

For those of you who don't know, I'm
Emily Hartley, Vice Principal, and we're

here to... Hey, where's Bannister?

One procedural thing.

In the interest of saving time, I'm
going to ask you to raise your hands and

recognized before speaking.

Mr. Patron.

Where's Bannister?

That saved a lot of time.

Principal Bannister was unexpectedly
called out of town.

Chickened out, huh?

Patron, you're asking for trouble.

Ah, hello.

I'm sure we're all agreed that this is a
very serious situation.

You're all going to have a chance to be
heard and your comments will be duly

noted.

Oh, I'm sorry. Miss Nightingale.

I've been a teacher many, many years.

And I've... I would like to make a
suggestion to help this meeting run much

smoothly. Oh, please.

I think we should raise one finger for
questions and two for wee -wee.

a lot of important business to discuss
and I don't think we should get bogged

down in triviality. Mr.

Patron. I think we should vote on it.

All against.

The motion carries.

The window will remain closed.

Mr. Patron.

I still say it should have been a secret
ballot.

Good. Now can we please get back to the
business of the reading school?

I think the problem is some of the
progressive, newfangled teaching methods

this school are going too far.

Mrs. Hunzinger?

Miss. Miss.

I am aware that certain progressive
teaching methods are under the gun.

Still, I for one would like to speak out
boldly on their behalf.

My children, butterfly and truth.

The new methods have helped them blossom
forth from within themselves, relate

more fully to their fellow human beings,
and become aware of the glorious

wonders of our universe.

Please, I'm not saying don't teach them
to read. Just wait till they're ready.

Why, just this morning a student came to
me and said,

Miss Hunsinger,

I feel I'm ready to learn to read. Yeah,
he was 26.

Please, please.

Mrs. Moss, Mrs. Hartley, you know where
we stand.

What I want to know is, where do you
stand?

Mrs. Hartley, I feel it's your duty as
our acting principal to stand behind

teachers 100%. Yeah, you do, and those
kids are gone tomorrow.

All right, everybody with me on that?

Miss Nightingale.

I've been a teacher many, many years.
Yeah, she came over on the Mayflower.

Sorry,

Creeper. I guess it was the ark.

Sorry, sir.

Will you continue, Miss Nightingale?

I think the problem with the children is
they are not having the proper

nutrition.

Breakfast is the most important meal of
the day.

I bake blueberry muffins every morning.

And there's no better smell than freshly
baked blueberry muffins. And they taste

good, too.

So, let's all put our heads down on the
desks, close our eyes, and just think

about my muffins.

I know what is wrong with this school.

It has nothing to do with your muffins.

It has to do with law and order.

These kids, the poor little dears. Well,
it's a rough world out there. There is

no free lunch.

That's just what we need. Free lunch,
tomato soup, and freshly grilled nippy

sandwiches.

I think her nippy's grilled.

That's what I'm talking about.

We kept guys like Patron in line by
sitting on them. Dog face.

I heard that.

Please, just come on.

And Mrs. Hartley, you're supposed to be
in charge here. I think it's about time

you told us where you stood.

All right.

I promise each and every one of you that
the test scores of our

kids will go up with the very next test.

How can you possibly promise that, Mrs.
Hartley? Because the teachers are going

to work a lot harder. I mean, we're
going to take a look at everything

going on in this school, the old and the
new.

and we're going to keep what's working,
and we're going to throw out what isn't.

Hey, I'm for that.

You're going to have to work hard, too.

Maybe a lot harder than we do.

Because you're going to have to start
turning off those television sets once

a while.

You're going to have to start reading to
your kids, letting your kids read to

you. You know, it wouldn't hurt if some
of you started reading once in a while.

Read?

What do you mean, like books?

But why should the children read if the
parents don't?

Okay, let's give Mrs. Hartley a chance.
Sure.

All right, come on.

I like what you do. You feel good about
it?

Well, that's great then.

All right. It's all settled.

All right. Unless there are any other
questions?

No. Oh, it's not you.

No. Two fingers.

This meeting is adjourned.

Hey, Mrs.

Hartley, you did a real good job.

I hope they make your principal full
-time. Oh, thank you, Mr. Patron. And

they do, dump Creva.

Patron, that does it. Come to my office.
I didn't do nothing, Creva. Same old

song. I didn't do nothing.

You know, sitting there, I decided to
name my tenth child Emily.

Why, thank you, Mrs. Moss. That's quite
an honor.

Not if it's a boy.

It's just standard procedure.

Oh, I forgot my purse. Okay.

Yeah!