Original subtitles

Emily, I've been studying this handbook all day. It's too complicated.

I don't think I'll ever pass my driver's test.

Howard, it's really not that hard.

Here, let me ask you a few questions. We'll see how you're doing, okay? Okay.

All right.

You are approaching a railroad crossing.

The red lights are flashing.

What are you supposed to do?

Am I driving the car or the train?

Driving the car. car, of course.

Well, who's driving the train?

Oh, well, it doesn't matter who's driving the train. What matters to me,

are good train drivers and bad train drivers.

Jim is driving the train.

How long has Jim been driving? Oh, now, when you get to a railroad crossing and

the red lights are flashing, you're supposed to stop, okay?

Try another one. Okay.

All right.

What are you supposed to do when you're going through a hospital zone?

Speed up so you won't catch anything.

Howard, if you pass this test, I am staying off the streets.

Hi, honey. Hi, Howard. Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, Bob. Make yourself at home.

Thanks. Thanks, Howard.

Listen, there is something really exciting in today's paper.

Look at this and see if you get any ideas.

Man marries pet chicken in formal ceremony.

Any pictures?

Well, there's a nice group shot of the in -laws.

I'm talking about this article.

Secretary of the Year honors to be given by Sun -Times. What do you think?

I'd like to hear more about the chicken.

Howard, why don't you go downstairs and practice parking your car?

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Oh, I just thought that my car is already parked.

Well, that ought to make it real easy.

I don't know. It's a pretty small space.

coward as it won too many air pockets.

Well,

what do you think about nominating Carol?

If anybody deserves to be Secretary of the Year to be Carol, I'd be happy to

nominate her. Oh, honey, that's fantastic.

Now, all you do is write a short statement to the newspaper telling why

think Carol should win.

I don't know. I'm not too good at putting my feelings down on paper.

Come on, Bob.

Do you remember those beautiful letters you wrote me before we were married?

Oh, I guess I got a little...

Carried away.

Yeah.

They were pretty mushy.

But I really knew you were serious about me when you stopped signing them

sincerely Robert Hartley and you changed to sincerely Bob Hartley.

Love makes my blood boil.

Quick, can I borrow a coat hanger?

Sure, Howard. What do you need it for? Well, I locked my keys in the car.

Yeah, I'll get you one, Howard. Be careful. Don't break any windows.

Don't worry. They're all rolled down.

take life so seriously.

But, Dr. Hartley, I feel so insignificant.

People are always laughing at me.

You are a clown.

And your profession is a very dignified one.

I mean, your wig is as important as a doctor's stethoscope.

Your seltzer bottle is as vital as a judge's gavel.

Your funny ears.

These are my real ears.

I'm sorry.

I mean, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Well, maybe you're right.

What I do isn't so silly, is it?

I wouldn't call it... I wouldn't call it silly.

By God, Dr. Hartley, you're right.

part of society.

My job does have dignity.

I'm glad you've come to that realization, Mr. Stevens.

I'm afraid our time is up. Oh, yeah. Well, I better get back to work anyway.

The next show starts in 15 minutes.

Thanks for everything you said.

See you next week. So long, Doc.

That's my new patient.

What's his problem?

He's, uh, tired of people laughing at him.

Did you suggest a new wardrobe?

He's got one of those ears.

Jerry,

what are you doing here? Uh, Carol said you want to see me.

Oh, oh, yeah. You want to close the... Yeah.

I, uh, I don't want Carol to hear.

Oh, right. I get it, Bob.

I love it when you tell me these four -men -only stories.

Jerry, the Sun -Times is running a contest on the Secretary of the Year.

yeah. Ah!

I like it already, Bob.

This is going to be better than the one about the two sailors and the camel.

Jerry, this isn't a joke. I think we should nominate Carol for Secretary of

Year.

Sounds like a joke to me.

Well, Jerry, she's an awfully good secretary. I mean, she's... Now, the

remember about these, these ballpoint pens, you want to write anything, you

an urge at all, you just pick... Oh, hi. Hi, Carol.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Jerry.

On this letter I'm typing to Dr. Walburn, do you want three or four

Three will be fine. Gotcha.

Now, we have to write a short statement and send it to the paper on why Carol is

the best secretary of the year. Okay. What should we say?

Let's just tell the truth.

Okay.

Carol is not always disrespectful.

In certain cases, she actually is too busy working to insult a person.

Let's not lay it on too thick, John.

What I meant was that... Now...

You press the clicker here, and the point comes out the other end. Holy cow!

Gee whiz, Bob, can I take a look at that?

Uh, excuse me, doctors, but there's a lady here collecting from Save the Whale

Society.

Oh, they'll donate?

Yeah, I just happen to have some shrimp right here in my pocket. There you go. I

thank you, she thanks you. Her whales thank you.

Oh, you gentlemen continue your high -level discussion.

Take it back, Bob. She is always disrespectful.

The deadline is tonight. Put down whatever you want, Bob. I'll sign it.

Well, I thought I'd say, uh, Carol Bondurant is the secretary's secretary.

Oh, I get it. And then when you're finished with your writing, all you do

click the, uh, clicker. That's right. And the point goes back up inside the

book.

Oh, yeah.

I'll tell you, Bob, this has been some warning for me.

My, my.

Professional men have fascinating conversations.

Oh, you startled me, Carol. I didn't see you standing there.

Bob, Mr. Carlin's here for a session.

Oh, have him wait a minute. I'm not finished with Jerry yet.

I'm not paying you 50 bucks an hour to sit in a waiting room listening to some

woman blubber about whales.

If only his species were endangered.

All right, Jerry, I'll talk to you later about this. Sure, Robert, but I tell

you, there's a lot of good secretaries in this town.

I ought to know. I've been shot down by a whole battalion of them.

Oh, just office business.

Oh, sure. Don't tell me. I'm left out of everything.

It was about Carol.

What do I care about Carol?

She doesn't know it, but Jerry and I are going to nominate her for secretary of

the year. She's a great secretary.

There's no such thing. Every time I hire one, she turns out to be rotten.

You know, there's an old story, Mr. Carlin, about the man who had been

and divorced 15 times.

And when they asked him, he said each one of his wives had been impossible to

live with.

Do you get my point?

Uh, having trouble with your old lady, huh, Hartley?

I knew it. She's had her eye on me for a long time.

We all have, Mr. Carter.

Oh, Bob, I'm so glad you're finally home.

Oh, it's easy once you learn the way.

Bob, it's so exciting.

Carol won Secretary of the Year.

Well, that's wonderful.

Does she know you? No, I thought it would be nice if you told her the news.

call her right now. No, you don't have to, honey. I called her and told her to

rush right over here that we had a small emergency.

What'd you tell her? The building was on fire?

What are you telling me? I told you I had 30 minutes to live.

Emily, don't you think that's a little far -fetched?

Well, we'll see in 30 minutes.

Bob! Emily!

I passed my driver's test!

Congratulations, huh? Oh, champagne!

Oh, you didn't have to do that. It was just a silly old driver's test.

You see, the surprise party's for Carol.

Oh, when did she take her test?

She didn't.

You mean she's driving without a license?

Emily, you're not going to win this one.

Watch her.

See, it's really very simple.

It's not that simple. I missed four questions.

Told you.

Now, you see, Howard...

Carol won Secretary of the Year, and we're going to surprise her with some

champagne. Meaning she's never seen champagne before?

I think after eight years, I'd know better.

I'm going to get the glasses.

Well, I'm going to go downstairs and change out of my lucky suit.

Congratulations. We're really very proud of you. Well, I, uh, got to confess, I,

uh, I cheated on the eye test.

How do you cheat on an eye test?

I memorize the charts.

Want to hear it?

They've changed it.

Oh, Bob.

Do you suppose Darwin...

I could. Are you okay?

Never feel better.

Carol, I have to tell you the truth.

Bob has more than 30 minutes to live.

Well, I hope it's not much more. I'm parked in an hour's zone.

Carol, why don't you sit down? Bob has some news for you.

Oh, well, what a coincidence.

I've got some news for Bob, too.

Oh, yeah? What? Oh, mine can wait.

No, you do yours first, because mine is really interesting. His is terrific.

for Mr. Carlin.

What was your exciting news?

Oh, it was just about this man that married his pet chicken.

Bob, look, my very first desk calendar. Oh, wow, does that bring back memories.

Do you not remember my very first day of work here?

You were really very nervous. I know.

And then you came in with that silly joke to cheer me up. Do the joke, Bob.

Knock,

knock.

Who's there?

Sam and Janet.

Sam and Janet who?

Sam and Janet evening.

You know, I've always loved that about you, Carol. No matter how bad my jokes

were, you always laughed.

It hasn't been easy.

Bob, I'm really going to miss this place.

Well, we're going to miss you, too.

I must confess I was a little upset when you broke the news to me. I know. It

isn't easy for me to leave, but I've been doing the same thing for six years.

You know, it's... I'm too comfortable here.

Yeah, I guess I understand. I mean, of course I understand, but you're an

insensitive jerk not to understand.

So, the big shot's checking out, huh?

Jerry isn't making this any easier.

Oh, excuse me all the hell, your highness.

Don't worry, Jerry. He'll come around. He's still mad at Mickey Mantle for

retiring.

I hope he gets over it. I mean, I've gone as far as I can as a secretary and

receptionist. There's a big world out there. You know, mountains to climb,

places to go, people to see.

I want it all.

I want to bite it up and spit it out. I want to live.

Carol, if you start singing The Impossible Dream, I'm leaving.

This place isn't big enough for the prima donna to excuse us for living.

I told you he'd come around.

I hope this new job works out, Bob. You wish me luck, don't you? Of course I do.

Now, I know it's not going to be easy working for Mr. Carlin, but he promised

he'd teach me everything about real estate.

Contessa's still talking to you, Bob. Count your blessings.

Jerry.

Talking to me, Miss High and Mighty?

Jerry, cut it out.

I'm not the one who's walking out. I am not leaving you.

After all we've been through together.

Jerry, I told you this was something I had to do.

I mean, I want something finer, something nicer in life. Now, come on. A

got to do what a woman's got to do.

We nominated you Secretary of the Year. I mean, doesn't that mean anything to

you? Whose idea do you think that was?

I mean, who do you think wrote all those nice things about you?

You did that, Jerry?

No, but I signed the stupid thing.

Carol, what Jerry is trying to say, he's going to miss you, too.

The three of us had some great times together, didn't we?

Yeah. Terrific.

Hi, I'm Gary Johnson, Sun Times.

Are you Carol Bonderon? Yes.

Yes, I am. Congratulations.

Thank you. We'd like a picture of the Secretary of the Year.

Are these your bosses?

Uh, they're the guys who nominated me.

Oh, great.

Hey, you know, you guys are really lucky having a secretary like her.

She's the best.

Why don't you all gather around by the desk?

Okay, now give me a big smile.

the wonderful years you've had together.

And all the years still to come.

Oh!

Well, so far it's been pretty routine, Emily.

I mean, Mr. Carlin hasn't taught me anything yet, but he says that I'll have

lot more responsibility very soon.

Yeah, okay, honey, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Lonerat, reporting you president of Carlin Enterprises.

How sooner than I thought.

Well, I think you're ready for it.

You've come a long way in the last three days.

If anybody's looking for me, tell them I'm out of the country.

We want to talk to you, Carlin.

No hablo inglesa. Este el presidente.

You habla ingles when you sold us homes on your new housing track, Carlin Side

Heights. How do you like luxury living? We want our money back.

Now. The entire track is slipping, Carlin.

Settling, settling. There's bound to be a little settling in new homes. Well,

our new homes have settled.

In a new neighborhood. How lucky for you, mobile homes.

We won't stand for this, Carlin. You're a crook. What are you talking about? I

finally put in your swimming pools, didn't I?

Yeah, but they stayed back in the old neighborhood.

Well, what are you going to do about this, Mrs.

President? Oh, my, I cannot tell you how sorry we are that this is happening.

And if what you say is true, I'm sure we'll be able to refund your money.

Oh, the acoustics are very bad in here.

I didn't hear what she was saying, but I think what she was trying to say is

that you should all go back to your homes. That is, if you can find them.

And we'll be out there this afternoon to personally inspect the area, okay?

I'm sure that everything will be worked out to your complete satisfaction.

By 3 o 'clock, we should be in Iowa.

You better make us happy, Carlin. Right, right. We'll make you happy. Very, very

happy. You'll be happy.

There are two words that never go together in the real estate business.

Refund and money.

What about those people?

Never mind about those people. They'll be so busy looking for their homes,

they'll forget about us.

Besides, once they sign on the dotted line, we're off the hook.

I don't believe you.

Thank you.

By the way, I'm president again.

Ah, well, it was nice while it lasted.

What's next on the agenda?

I was going to have lunch with Bob and Jerry.

Lunch? Well, make it quick.

I'll have a minute steak.

Okay, good.

Oh, by the way, there's one more thing.

I have this list here, my grocery list. I want you to get these items on your

way home, put them in my apartment, have my car filled with gas, rotate the

tires, you'll find the jack in the trunk.

Oh, and I need you to take my spare toupee over to Mr. Duke's.

Who?

Mr. Duke. He's my stylist.

Have him do the usual fluff and dry, and this time, easy on the starch.

Mr. Carlin, I took this job so I could learn about the real estate business.

All right.

I'll tell you what.

Next sucker that walks through that door is all yours.

Now, this will be easy pickings.

Hi, guys.

Hi, girl.

Pardon us for not bowing, Your Grace.

That's all right, Robinson.

Are we interrupting anything?

No, we always have time for friends.

Say, Robinson, how'd you like to buy a nice new home in Carlinside Heights? I

don't know.

Better hurry. They're moving fast.

Elliot, Carlin, real estate.

Oh, one moment, please.

It's for you, Mr. Carlin. It's your mother.

Yes, Mom.

I'd better take this to my private office.

Is anything wrong?

Oh, no. Mama just wants to go over the books with me.

Boy, you think I'm rough.

How's everything going, Carol?

Couldn't be better, Bob.

Couldn't be better, ma 'am.

I had no idea how fascinating real estate was. And do you know, it has not

hard working with Mr. Carlin. As a matter of fact, I think of myself as

with him, not for him. He treats me as an equal.

I need these typed. Fast.

You type mornings and he types afternoons?

Bob, the man is under pressure.

I mean, he's taught me a lot about real estate.

A lot about real estate.

Jerry, come on, cut it out. Will you stop?

I'm sorry if I made you mad. I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I got a life to live

here. I can't help it. Carol, I just don't like going into the office. It's

fun there anymore.

I haven't had a good insult since you left.

Keep in mind, I'm a little rusty, but here goes.

You, Jerry, are a loudmouth jerk.

When they were handing out brains, you were somewhere being obnoxious.

more times in the 1962 Mets, I wouldn't have you straighten the teeth on my

comb.

God, how I'd miss her.

Thank you,

Dr. Hartley.

Miss Pringle, it's five minutes to closing time. Why don't you take the

the day off?

That only gives me five minutes.

I'd hardly call that the rest of the day.

Good point.

Knock, knock.

I beg your pardon?

It's a joke. I said, knock, knock.

I don't get it.

No, you're supposed to say, who's there?

Who's where?

See, I say, knock, knock, and you say, who's there? Oh, but I know who's there.

It's you.

Say it!

Of course it isn't. There's more.

You want me to say something else? Sam and Janet even. Now it's closing time.

Will you be leaving now, too, Dr. Hartley? No. No, I'm meeting my wife.

going to dinner. Oh, how nice.

Yes, we've had five wonderful years of marriage.

Five out of ten isn't a bad average.

So sorry to hear that, Dr. Hartley.

Oh, hi.

So sorry about your marriage.

That's a little inside joke. She's a barrel of laughs.

Honey, you ready to go to dinner?

Yeah, I just want to lock up.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Oh, hi. Hi, Carol. Hi.

So, what's going on?

Oh, I was just locking up.

Oh, where's the new receptionist? Didn't she work out?

No, she's working out fine.

Oh, good. Great.

As a matter of fact, I stopped by to see if I could give her some pointers.

I'm lying.

I came here because I quit my job with Carlin and I wanted to talk to you about

it. Oh, Carol, what happened? What did Mr. Carlin do? Oh, nothing out of the

ordinary for Carlin.

Bob, did you know that guy's crazy?

That's the word I was looking for.

I am so glad you quit that job.

Yeah, Carol, I am too. I mean, you weren't right to me. No, I wasn't.

Did I ask how the new receptionist was working out?

Just before you said hello.

Oh, Bob, who am I kidding?

I came by here today because I want my job back.

Oh, I am so glad. You know, Bob comes home cranky every night because he

you. I'm so happy you're coming back.

Oh, I love everything about this place.

My old desk, the coffee machine, oh, and this fine dispenser.

Well, when can you start?

Now, take a letter.

Can't come back, girl.

But you said it was right to quit Carlin.

You were right to quit Carlin, but, I mean, all the things you told me when

left here, they're still true.

I mean, you won't be happy until you try something new.

No.

No, he's right.

I hate to admit it, but he's right.

Gotta get a new job.

That's not gonna be easy, but I guess that's why it's important, huh, Bob?

Thanks for firing me.

Anytime.

Well, why don't we have dinner? I'll buy.

Oh, I know just the place.

You two go ahead. I'll catch up.

Okay. Well, we'll wait for you downstairs. Okay.