Original subtitles

Not bad. Not good, but it's not bad. Okay, rush a cut of it.

We're a page short on the topics around town section.

Okay, so what, your other page can print the views...

...from the Chrysler and the Empire State Observation Tower.

- Yeah, which view is the best? - They're both advertisers, call it a draw.

Say, Bob, we didn't buy anything this month that's funnier, did we?

Funny? Did you by any chance read these?

Alright, use one of my last year's pages, say we're reprinting it by request.

- Whose request? - Mine!

- Oh, yours? - Yes.

Where are those criticisms on the Russian singers?

I got three hours to get this magazine out and I can never find anything I want.

It's a monthly magazine, you've only had four weeks to prepare it.

Well, I'm busy, tell them on the dictaphone.

You've only had four wee...

Keighley!

Keighley! Nobody hears me around the place. Keighley!

- Keighley! - Yes, sir?

Get me the folks from art galleries, I'm ready for them.

Coming right up.

I want another criticism on those silly singers. Get Miss G. in here with a pad.

Miss G. and a large pad.

- Did you by any chance hear the singers? - I don't know, I might have.

- Alright, are you ready? - Boiled again.

For 5 years you've been reviewing singers, dancers, concerts, recitals boiled.

Never once have you gone to one of these things sober.

- How do you know what you're writing about? - What are you worried about?

All you've got invested in this magazine is money, I've got brains.

No cracks, you're the silent part of this firm now you keep it that way.

Alright!

Let's see, what did I call those yodelers, um...

Russian Singers, that's good enough. Alright, let's go.

Russian entertainment disappointing. Repertoire familiar.

Bass section favorable. Russian ambassador present seemed pleased. Um, um...

- Can't say the same for the audience? - Can't say the same for the audience...

Yes... that's good. Etc, etc, etc. What do you got there now?

"The recital of the Russian Art singers at Town Hall last night...

...was reminiscent of the retreat from Moscow"

The artists from the land of vodka, it must be reported in the interest of Art and truth,

...did not cover themselves with glory, burdened with a familiar repertoire...

...and a bass section that sounded slightly capitalistic. The gentlemen from...

Gentlemen, from Indiana, your father, anything, but that's what I want!

How do you like it, it's alright, isn't it? That's when I'm at my best.

Under pressure, back against the wall!

- And drunk. - And drunk... No!

- Larry, darling! - Hello, baby, how are you?

Oh, you're busy. Larry, you promised me something last night.

Yeah, I'll look for the necklace tonight. Swanson, bring in those criticisms right away, will you?

- You said we were getting married tomorrow. - Fine, I'll look at that coat.

- You said we were getting married... - Oh, did I? That's a great idea.

We'll have the greatest honeymoon ever.

Hello! Call back later! Yeah, you too.

Okay. Swanson, drop whatever you're doing and come in here right away!

Oh, darling, I'm so happy, I always wanted to be married on a Thursday.

Well, you always have been.

- Where's that cover, where's that cover? - Darling, I haven't a thing to be married in.

Oh, wear anything, Larry's wearing a shroud.

Get a check from Miss G. Where is Swanson?

Oh you sweet thing, I'll tell her to make it a blank check, I know you're busy.

- Goodbye, precious. - Goodbye, darling.

Hello, Swanson. Now...

Look here, if you think that you're going to marry that...

Wait a minute, one at a time! What?

You know that batch of letters to the editor,

Well, Sam has misplaced them and we haven't a single letter to print.

Do you know that Clara's already won three breach of promise suits...

and you're all prime to be the fourth?

- I'll tell you what I'll do, write two letters. - About what?

Write one from Mrs. Porter praising the magazine,

write another one signed The Constant Reader razzing the magazine. Wait a minute!

Make the first one twice as long as the second one. Now what?

You've known Clara for 3 weeks, and what do you do? Propose marriage to her.

Is that the way you make conversation?

We're having a cold spell right now, why couldn't you talk about the weather?

- Well, I'm tired, Clara and I are gonna settle down...

Yes, I get it, I get it, Clara, the home and fireside girl.

Yeah, the pipe and the slippers...

I'm gonna be married and I'm gonna drink to my future.

Well, that's great.

As empty as Swanson's head, I got a future and nothing to drink to it with.

Say, look, Harold, do me a favor, run out and get some Gay M. Frisky, will you?

- A whole pound? - What?

- Gay M. Frisky? - Whisky!

- Oh, Gay M. Frisky is whiskey? - Yes!

Oh, GMF is W. Yes, of course. A whole bottle of...

Miss G. right away, will you please?

What, again?

Miss G., I wonder if you'd telephone to Mr. MacArthur's apartment...

...and have his valet pack a whole lot of clothes?

Then you and Swanson had better take charge in the office here.

Start collecting material for next month's issue.

Mr. MacArthur and I are going away for about three weeks or more.

- Going away? - Going away, Miss G.

Where, Mr. Brandon?

As a matter of fact, I haven't given that the slightest...

There.

Ah, Mexico!

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Oh, yes, yes, you attend to the luggage. And you two, you, um...

You look strong and husky... you carry that. And be careful.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, not so loud. My friend is asleep and you'll waken him.

English no so good-looking.

Silencio! Gracias, se�or, gracias.

Careful, careful.

Don't jiggle him, boys, careful, caution.

Gracias, se�or, gracias.

- Good day. - What's good about it?

Just sleepy.

You've been cheating again, Jos�.

Rita, my dove, we was two gentlemen engaged in a...

...a game of chance and as it happened I won.

You mean, as it always happens, you won.

Rita, my pet, I resign from card-playing, I promise.

What will people say? My uncle, my manager, a cheat.

Can't you see what you're doing to me?

I'm a dancer, not an adventuress.

Rita, my pet, you are Espa�ita, the greatest dancer in all the Americas,

Europe, Asia, not to forget Africa, eh?

I'm tired, darling, I'm trying to get a rest here.

How can I have peace of mind when I have to keep an eye on you?

Well, it will no longer be necessary to worry, I promise, hm?

All I got to do is to turn up the ace of hearts and I win a hundred dollars?

That is all, se�or. You see, it is very simple.

Alright, there you are. Now shuffle them up, I'll pick them out.

You pick it up.

- You ready? - Ready.

Here we go.

Yes, Jack, just another whiskey and soda.

Alright, alright, I'm leaving!

Say now, look, Harold, I don't want to presume, but, um...

I don't want to be curious, but just for the records, where am I?

- Guess. - Oh, a game, huh?

And you can have the regulation three guesses too, you know.

No peeking.

- Museum of Art? - No.

- Heaven? - Getting warmer.

- Hey, where's Clara? - She's 3,000 miles away.

- 3,000... where'd she go? - She didn't go, she stayed. We went.

- What do you mean "we went"? Where? - Mexico... Caliente.

- This wasn't my idea. - My dear boy, you haven't had...

...a consecutive idea in 15 years as you know.

As a matter of fact, you haven't been conscious for the past 24 hours.

Last night I pawed you into an airplane and here we are.

I'm saving you from Clara.

I'm now beginning to remember where I started to forget.

- Good. - Gay M. Frisky.

- I had a drink, I passed out... - Yes, yes...

You shanghaied me... and this? - Mexico!

Somebody told you.

Well, you didn't have to do this, I'm not the marrying kind.

You're not, but Clara is.

- What is that? - Music.

You sure are charitable.

I've heard all about this tropical music, it never stops! I hate the tropics!

- I'm flying back to New York tonight. - Uh-huh, that's gratitude.

- I gotta get back to work! - They'll get along alright without you.

Now, will you listen to reason?

- I will if you stop that music! - I'll try.

- No shenanigans. - Word of honor.

Wrong hand.

Hello, operator. Get me New York. Yeah.

I want to speak to Clairmont 82234.

Yeah, I want to speak to Miss Clara Thorne.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

Gentlemen! In the north there's San Francisco...

...and they're crazy about music up there.

So, please, on your marks, one, two, shoo!

English not so good-looking.

- Good evening, se�or. - Please, I'm busy here, I...

- You speak English? - Well, of course.

American Coal 38.8, International Beverages 17.5.

But you didn't have it on margin, I...

We've just 3,000 miles and we're very, very tired.

Now, I've tried to explain to these charming gentlemen, I've pointed it out to them,

I've drawn a diagram. Would you please ask them in their own lovely tongue...

to stop singing and go away somewhere, anywhere?

I happen to be the manager of this quartet, se�or.

Don't argue, I shall go to confer with my clients.

Oye, muchachos.

No dejen de cantar hasta que pare el americano.

They say yes. Providing, um...

You know, se�or, these artists make their bread and tequila by singing all day.

Picking up a dollar here, and a dollar there.

Sometimes they make as much as $25 and, um...

- Of course, if you desire to... - I?

Oh? Oh? Oh!

Gracias, se�or.

Hombre, gracias. Que bueno. Venga muchachos.

Hello!

Oh, hello, Clara darling.

- Uh, this is Larry. - Well, fancy that!

Did you know we had a date to be married this noon?

Well, look, honey, um...

I don't think you'd better wait up for me, I'm gonna be a little late.

I'm in Mexico. Caliente.

- You're what? You're where? - Don't scream at me!

I can explain everything.

I'll be back just as soon as I can. He can't intimidate me.

Bring two pitchers of ice water, my head's splitting.

Two what? Two pitchers of what?

Larry!

Now look here, young fellow.

If you let that calculationg, golddigging blonde get you back to New York,

I wash my hands of you.

Well, you'd better get to wash them because I'm on my way.

Now, Larry, listen, listen.

Now, does it do me any good to see you unhappy? No.

Do I make anything out of interfering with your love affairs? No.

- Now, you're an intelligent fellow... - Why do I always have to be intelligent?

Why can't I be a sap once in a while and have fun like other people?

I got a job to take care of. What's gonna become of Manhattan Madness without me?

I'll tell you what's gonna become of it. It's probably going on to bigger and better things.

What good have you been around there lately anyway,

with your diets of cocktails and that blonde, huh?

Now, do me a favor. Larry, crawl back into bed, will you?

Have a good night's sleep, and then tomorrow when you wake up,

if you still want to go back, I won't say another word.

- Word of honor. - It's the wrong hand.

That's the boy, that's the boy.

Jangled nerves, that's what it is.

A few days down here in this lovely, peaceful,

soothing atmosphere, you'll be a new man.

- Oh, I don't want to be a new man. - Quiet, quiet.

I just want to be the same old man I've always been. I like being an old man.

That settles it! Pack the bag, pay the bill, get the plain tickets!

I'm on my way to New York and Times Square, and a little peace and quiet.

There's an overproduction of musicians around this joint.

Be very careful, caution, moderation, no violence. There isn't a decent jail for miles.

I wanna tell you something else. Get in touch with the American consul.

- The American consul? - Yeah, the American consul!

- International complications are on their way! - Oh, my word!

Now, listen, you canaries!

I'm gonna count 3, and if you're not gone, you'll be playing music at your won funeral!

English not so good looking.

- One! - Caution.

- Two! - Moderation.

- You'd better shoo. - Three!

Now will you get out of here, or will I...

Don't stop the music. It's beautiful.

What's that big yellow thing up there, it's all over me.

Oh, that? That's what they call sunshine.

Oh, I've been dodging that for years.

Would you like some pictures, se�or, nice pictures?

- No, we don't want any pictures... - Nice fotograf�as, se�or.

- Get one of the eagle. - No eagle, se�or, that's parrot.

Parrot, se�or, parrot.

Hello, Mr. MacArthur. Don't you remember me?

Trip to Win, Greenwich Village. # When I wish I... #

# ...was smiling, sure it's like a... # Pat Casey!

Right, but I'm Pedro Casanova down here. You know, it's a long, long story...

Yeah, but too long. Tell me back in New York.

We ordered our breakfast by telephone. Mr. Brandon and Mr. MacArthur.

Muy bien, se�or.

Yesterday she was na angel, today she's a goddess.

- Tomorrow ought to be interesting. - Poetry before breakfast?

Oh, sure, before breakfast, before dinner, before...

Oh, I don't blame you.

- Your breakfast, se�or. - Gracias.

Finished? Let's go.

You know, Harold, that's probably the only girl that could ever keep me in Mexico.

And I'll go further than that. For a gal like that I'd take out citizenship papers.

Buenos d�as, se�or.

You see? He snorts at you. That's what you get when you cheat people.

You know, I'd almost give up drinking to meet her.

I've got an idea.

- Excuse me. - Go ahead.

- I beg your pardon. - Well, what is it?

Would you know the name of the very charming young woman who passed just a moment ago?

- What young woman? - Well, she was accompanied by a man.

Apparently her father, I noticed you exchanged greetings.

Greetings? I'd like to exchange a good smack in the jaw with that crook.

Oh, oh, I understand, yes. I met the gentleman myself last night.

- You did? How much? - Twenty-five dollars.

He clipped me for two hundred. Sit down.

Of course it was a little late when I met him, so he was probably very tired.

Can you pick the ace?

The young lady, she's the come-on.

But he didn't need her for me. I took it straight.

- You mean she's a decoy? - My boy, it's the old army game.

- That's fine! - What?

- I meant, did you know the name? - Well he calls himself G�mez.

- Probably Mexican for Jesse James. - Oh, Mr. James...

- Jesse. - Jesse... Jesse. Oh, Jesse James, I see.

Thank you for the warning, Mr...

Biggs, Joe Biggs, from Pineapple, Oklahoma.

Thank you, Mr. Biggs.

Now, ace, king, queen, ace... Darn it!

Nice picture! Se�or, take a nice picture! Yes, nice picture.

No, no, please, no picture.

Did you see a good-looking young lady in a sports outfit...

...accompanied by a middle-aged man, not so good-looking?

- Me no speak English, se�or. - Oh, I see.

They pass a few minutes ago.

Thank you, thank you. Which way did they go?

Oh, thank you, muchas gra...

I beg your pardon, I know we haven't met socially...

If you'll wait just a minute...

Oh, Miss, um... Oh, dear...

Pardon me. You, in the water.

Could I have a word... Oh, my.

Miss, um...

I beg your pardon.

I don't wish to intrude, but I would like to have a word with you...

...on a very important matter.

Yes?

I'm Harold Brandon and I've just come out from New York.

- Yes, Mr. Brandon? - And when I saw you here this morning, I...

- What is the important matter? - Well, it's rather delicate.

So!

I understand that you're open for engagements.

Well... usually. But is that so delicate?

- It's only a matter of business, isn't it? - Oh, is it?

Oh, of course it is, a business matter.

Well, we are getting off to a good start, aren't we?

But at the moment, I'm booked up, quite aways ahead.

Oh, oh... booked up.

I might have some time in November after my tour.

- Oh, you tour too? - Yes, one must, one's public is everywhere.

Oh, are they? You mean all around. Oh, yes, of course they are, here, there and... yes.

- Well, um... - Yes?

How much do you receive for one of your, um...

$2,000 an engagement.

$2,000? My, it pays well, doesn't it?

I don't like to boast, but I am more or less in a class by myself.

Oh, I can feel, I can see... I can believe that.

Thank you.

Well, the salary is satisfactory, but it's really a question of time.

- You see, it would have to be immediately. - Immediately?

Yes, by immediately I mean right now. You see, time is essencial.

Oh. Would you mind telling me a little more clearly...

...just what it is you're talking about?

Oh, no, not at all, no. You see, this is it in an eggshell.

I have a friend in New York who is sort of a infatuated with a woman.

And I've kidnapped... that is, I brought him out here...

...to try and snap him out of it and get him away from her.

Would you mind helping me with this oil?

- On the back? - Yes.

Well, I've come to the conclusion that...

...some other influence besides the climate is necessary.

You see, Clara has already won three breach of promise suits...

...and Larry is scheduled to be the fourth.

- The engagement you were speaking about. - Oh, no, they're not engaged.

Oh, that, yes... Well, that's you. You are to be this other influence.

Oh, no!

- I assure you it's anything but funny. - Now, where did you hear of me?

Why, through that gentleman with whom your, um...

- My manager? - Your manager exchanged greetings.

Oh!

I'm beginning to understand.

- Who is this unfortunate young man? - Well, his name is MacArthur.

Larry MacArthur. Well, we arrived only yesterday.

- Is he still sleeping? - Oh, sound asleep.

No, no, we had breakfast this morning. You must have noticed him.

- Oh, yes. - Oh, my!

- Do you mind if I dunk too? - Why, certainly not.

Did you say his name is MacArthur?

MacArthur, yes, M-a-c. He's a very brilliant chap.

He's the editor of "Manhattan Madness" and all that sort of thing.

Manhattan Madness?

Yes, that very smart magazine, you must know it.

Oh, yes, slightly. He's in the midst of an unfortunate romance?

Most unfortunate.

Your proposition it begins to interest me.

Oh, really, really? And you think you can find the time?

- I'm sure I can. - Oh, my, then it's a bargain?

- It is. - Thank you.

Now, have you any ideas as to how we should start this thing?

Oh, no, no, I stop right there. I wouldn't attempt to advise an artist of your caliber.

- Well, you bring your friend here. - Here.

I dive into the water, cry for help.

Your friend is gallant, he rescues me.

- It's all very simple. - It's all very old, isn't it?

Then it's always worked. Why experiment? I'll start the mchinery going at once.

Grand.

- Oh, Mr. Brandon! - Yes?

- Your shoes. - New ones...

Jos�! Jos�! Will you pardon me?

I have some interesting news for you, Jos�.

- Yes? - Do you remember the name of the man...

...who gave me a very mean review when I danced a year ago in New York?

Do I remember? Have I for one minute allowed his name to slip my memory?

Have I not cursed him for a year?

Did he not cause me to lose $1,000 in commissions on account of canceled recitals?

Remember him, his name is engraved on my heart in letters of blood.

- Read some of it for me. - Wait, okay, yes...

"When the dance becomes merely progression of a bag of bones across the stage,"

I will appreciate the dancing of the curiously famous Espa�ita."

The se�orita made her New York debut at the Garden last night...

- "and left me strangely cold when..." - That's enough.

I know the rest of it by heart. "When I eat onion soup, I like it with onions."

"I like my dancing with at least a pinch of that certain appeal."

"Espa�ita's appearence last night was certainly onion soup without the onions."

"Not even one fragrant Spanish scallion."

So, I'm a bag of bones, am I?

So, I haven't even a pinch of appeal, Mr. MacArthur?

- What's the matter with you? - Oh, nothing, nothing at all,

except that I've just met her.

- Her? - Her.

Oh, her? You mean the angel, the goddess.

- When, where, how? - At the pool, at the pool.

- She smiled... where are you going? - To the pool, you're going to introduce me.

I? Not I, I had enough trouble in N.Y. with you because of women.

I'll have none of it, you're on your own.

To the pool.

Salute... ustedes... est�.

Miss, um...

Help!

Help!

- What's going on? - Hey! He's drowning.

Bravo! Bravo!

- Are you hurt? - I'm dying!

It's my death rattle.

You're not hurt at all.

Hey, listen! Wait a minute.

- What did you say? - I said you are not hurt.

Oh, I'm worse than hurt, I'm embarrassed. You see, I was supposed to rescue you.

I must have hit my head on the bottom or something.

Very upsetting, me that swam the English Chanel.

Well, you're quite all right, I shall leave you.

Oh, now, wait a minute, listen.

After all you saved my life and I'm recommending you for a Carnegie medal.

- What's your name? - Rita G�mez.

Rita G�mez! That's a swell name. Ought to look great on a medal.

- Well, I'll tell you, Rita. - Rita?

Well, sure, you woudn't want me to be formal with you after you've saved my life.

How about coming over this morning and telling you how grateful I am?

Why don't you tell me now? Later I'll be busy.

Busy, doing what?

You must know, writing letters, taking a siesta.

Oh, I'm a crack letter-writer, and how I can siesta.

- Sorry, no. - Listen, How about this afternoon?

In the afternoons I have cocktails in my bungalow at four.

- Alone. - Oh.

Well, I see no reason for disturbing your routine.

You go right ahead and have your cocktails. But I'll be with you.

- Make yourself comfortable. - Thank you.

At the first sign of rain you can come in.

- Tell me, what are you doing in Caliente? - Well, I'll tell you. It's sort of a...

It's an unforeseen vacation.

- Happy holiday. - Thank you, happy holiday to you.

What's keeping those clouds?

What is it you do when you're not, um... vacationing?

Well, so you are interested.

Alright, you'll have the history of my life, I'll give you a confidential report.

I'm Larry MacArthur.

Sorry, nobody at home.

You haven't told me yet what you do, Mr. MacArthur.

- I'm an editor. - Of a newspaper?

- Uh-uh. - Perhaps a magazine?

Uh-uh.

Is that all you can do, uh-uh, uh-uh?

- Uh-uh. - You're a very rude man.

Oh, Rita, I couldn't be rude to you.

- I asked you of what are you the editor. - I'm the editor of Madness.

- Madness? - Manhattan Madness.

- Manhattan Madness. My favorite magazine. - Oh, that's what everybody says.

- So brilliant. - Thank you.

Especially the criticism, so witty, so devastating, so completely destructive.

Well, I'll tell you, Rita, our specialty is honest criticism.

How nice. I'll leave you to your editing, Mr. MacArthur.

I have work of my own to do.

- My pillow? - Oh, yes, yes.

- Your pillow. - Thank you.

Hello? Yes.

Thank you very much.

Mr. MacArthur says he will meet you in the bar at three.

- Thank you. - I cannot understand, my lark.

Why you are constantly in the company of a man like Se�or MacArthur?

If a man would call me a bag of bones, onion soups without the onions, I would...

- I would crush him like a grape. - No violence, Jos�, that's not the way.

- Let me have my cards then, hm? - No.

But he should be made to pay for his insult.

- He is going to pay. - He is, hm?

- Not money. - No?

- Although I could collect $2,000. - Ai, $2,000! Much money, eh?

His friend Mr. Brandon offered me that much to intrigue Mr. MacArthur.

And you accepted, of course, eh?

Seems there's a woman in N.Y. I must make him forget.

I agreed because it suits my purpose.

I am going to humiliate Mr. MacArthur, Jos�.

I am going to make him admit that I am more than a bag of bones.

I am going to make him shout that I have several kinds of appeal...

...and then, then I'm going to laugh at him.

And I will help you, my butterflies.

- Buenos d�as, se�or. - Why? Oh... hello.

You know, I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am...

...that we are now associated in business.

Yes, it does make it nice... What are you talking about?

Well, my little pigeon has told me of your arrangement and...

- Your pigeon? - Yes, that is, my client, you know.

- Oh... oh, she told you. - You see, I do all of her business for her.

Oh, I see, you must be awfully busy, touring, swimming.

- Oh, yes, she is a great artist, se�or. - Well, that remains to be seen.

But, alas, she is not a businesswoman, you know, se�or, and, um...

to accept an engagement of this importance, of this magnitude, um...

Of course, a little something in advance, you know...

Look here, whatever your name is,

you and your client are getting enough out of this without any advance.

My word, $2,000 for an adventuress? I could go to N.Y. right now...

...and get an adventuress for half the money.

But you forget, se�or, you're not merely paying for the service, you know,

you are paying for all those years of training, study, and hard work.

Alright, alright, I haven't got time for a speech. How much do you want?

Oh, not much... maybe $1,000.

- I'll give you $250. - Oh, $500, eh?

- Alright, 300. - Well as you say in your languages, okays.

Gracias, se�or.

$300. Well, I'm sure my little pigeon she will do her very best.

Yes, uh-huh.

- How many yards did you say it was? - Doscentos cincuenta yardas.

That means in my language 250 yards, eh? Gracias, se�or.

Oh... oh... Well!

Give me the putter.

# Oh, what a night of glory # # When we began this story #

# I was afraid that it all would fail # # And leave nothing but sighs #

# O what a tender feeling #

# For you were so appealing #

# I had a fear that I'd wake up, dear # # And stand there rubbing my eyes #

# I never saw the moon # # Till that one beautiful night #

# The night you gave me the right... #

I beg your pardon. Will you do me a favor?

I no speak English.

# I never heard a tune # # Till your eyes played me a strange... #

What do you want me to do?

You see that couple dancing out there, the very pretty lady in the nice white dress?

- Yes. - Well, would you sort of cut in?

With pleasure, se�or.

# ...starlight spoke of resting #

# Never suggesting moments of love #

# It all was nothing but pretending #

Pardon me, but may I intrude?

Haven't you got anything to do with your time but dance?

Don't be a sun dodger, go on out and chase butterflies, tequila and...

Of course he may.

# And your lips gave me the right # # To call you my own #

What is that? I don't see anybody else cutting in.

Oh, that, that's an old Spanish custom.

My, they look well together, don't they?

Must be a treat for her to dance with somebody who can really dance.

Caution. Moderation.

You are wanted on the phone, Mr. MacArthur. Long-distance from New York.

Thanks.

It's probably the office medes some help on one of the new exsues.

Yeah, well ask Clara if she's still a blonde.

Hello, honey. Well, I've decide to star awhile. Yeah.

I'm gonna write 10,000 words on Mexico.

Our southern neighbors, at work and play, their habits and hobbies.

And as soon as I do a little research work on habits and hobbies,

I'll fly right back to New York.

- Where's Larry? - Oh, he's on the phone.

- Long distance from Clara. - Clara?

- The girl in New York. - Oh.

Tell me, is she very attractive, this girl in New York?

Well, she's what I call determined.

Oh, no, no, of course I love you.

Well, I know, my voice doesn't sound very convincing, but...

Well, you see, honey, my voice has gotta travel over 3,000 miles over a wire. Yeah.

And that kind of a trip takes the pep out of any voice. Sure.

Don't tell me there isn't some woman down there in Caliente.

And if you must write an article,

I've got some habits and hobbies you can write a book about.

Now look, as soon as I get back, I'll write you into a national byword, how's that?

All right, darling, phone you soon.

- Did he escape you, Clara, darling? - He thinks he did.

I don't know. If you were me, would you go to Mexico?

Remember that broker you chased into Canada?

Oh, yes.

Oh, philanderer is no name for Larry. Do you know what they call him on Broadway?

- No. - The sultan.

- Really? - Really, yes.

Only a year ago in Brooklyn there was this...

Oh, hello. Business all settled?

Sure, just a little misunderstanding in the magazine, it's all straightened out.

Well, I think I must be going. It's getting close to four.

As you know, I always have cocktails in my bungalow at four.

May I join you? I love outdoor drinking.

Oh, I'm announcing a change of politics.

You may come in this time.

- Things are looking up. - Caution, moderation.

- Mar�a, how do I look? - Hermosa, se�orita, bellissima.

I don't know if I can go through with this.

Remember the review.

Give me that perfume.

Mar�a.

Don't tell me now, don't tell me.

It is real.

Honey, I don't know what they call these, but it's beautiful.

I sometimes think I shouldn't wear things like this.

I was once told I looked like a bag of bones.

- Whoever said that's a halfwit. - I think so too.

Oh, It's beautiful here.

- Isn't it? - Oh, Rita...

Hello? Yes, he's here.

Long distance call for you from Newark, N.J.

Newark?

Some more business?

Hello!

No, I don't know anybody in Newark. I never did. I don't know where Newark is.

Rita, I've always been pretty handy at speechmaking.

- In fact I've even been lyric and poetic, but... - What do you want to say?

I don't know. Whatever it was, it was pretty swell, but...

I don't know, I just can't find the words.

- Rita, my darling, I love you. - Do you love me?

- Buenas tardes. - Jos�... ah...

I want you to meet Mr. MacArthur. This is my manager.

- Mr. MacArthur. - How do you do, um...

- Perhaps I'd better explain, you see, um... - Yes, perhaps.

Well, that is, I mean... Perhaps I'd better be going.

- Adi�s. - Same to you, se�or.

- Jos�, you were too soon. - Too soon, my plum?

- I was just going to laugh at him. - Yes...

So I noticed.

- Larry. Larry! - Yeah?

Stop that noise and read your telegram, it's on the table.

Thank you.

Larry, really, you don't know... It's terrible, you're no canary.

It's an eagle's screech, that's what it is. Stop it, will you, stop it.

- Harold. - What do you want?

- Listen, I've been holding out on you. - Why, what's the matter?

I'm in love.

Harold, I'm in love with the most beautiful, the most divine creature in all the world.

All right, laugh if you want to, but this time it's on the level.

Beautiful lyrics. How does the tune go?

- No, Harold, my peccadillos of the past... - Oh, you've had them again?

What I started to say was my peccadillos of the past are finished.

I've finally met the one woman.

Yes, well, this is the third one woman in a month.

Well, kid, I can't blame you for being cynical.

I mean, after all, you've had good reason to be in the past.

- But this time you're wrong. - Well, that's too bad.

- I'm gonna marry her. - Yeah, you tell her when you...

You're gonna what?

I'm gonna marry her. I am, that is, if she'll have me.

Marry her? Oh, my word! Oh, I never thought of that.

- Oh, you wouldn't. - But you couldn't do a thing like that.

- I'm going to do it. - No, it's preposterous.

- It's marvelous. - That'll be all out of this plan.

You couldn't marry Rita, you don't know her, you don't know who she is.

She might be just another one of... Remember the girl in Brooklyn just a year ago today?

I told you at the time. That girl was at least socially somebody. I mean...

Listen! Now you listen to me! I'm going to marry Rita.

After all, I don't blame you for questioning me...

...after all the things we've been through together. But I'm going to marry her.

You're going to marry Rita over my dead body

Larry. Larry!

Why shouldn't I get married? It's my own life.

In that case, Larry, I suppose I'll have to tell you.

- Oh, tell me what? - Oh, about this Rita...

...and this uncle of hers, they're nothing but adventurers.

Don't get excited, but the first day that we got here, I made a deal with Rita.

A financial deal. If she could make you forget Clara, I was to pay her $2,000.

Only this morning, I gave this uncle of hers a check for $300 on account.

Here's the, um... what do you call it? You know, the thing in the book, the stub.

My dear old man, I'm sorry, I had no idea that she'd hit you so hard.

I mean, a pecadillo is sort of a...

Larry?

Larry!

Larry!

Larry, Larry!

Larry, Larry!

Pardon me, did you see a sort of a tall chap, kinda...

Shaving.

Hey, bigshot!

- Good evening, se�or. - I want to talk to you.

- Some other time, se�or, I'm leaving. - You heard me, I want to talk to you now!

- Well? - Did you get 3 hundred bucks from Brandon?

- Bucks? - Three hundred dollars.

- I seem to remember that I did. - So you and Rita were going to...

I saw no harm in availing myself of the money, se�or.

Oh, no, you wouldn't, of course not.

- But I beg of you not to tell her then. - Alright, I won't tell her.

Listen. From now on you and I are going to work together.

I'll make a little bargain with you.

You don't mention this conversation, I won't say a word. Is that a bargain?

A bargain? Then perhaps a little something in advance to...

To seal the bargain, say $100.

Oh, sure, that's alright, that's perfectly okay.

You seal the bargain, you give me $100.

- Oh, I am to give you a hund... - Yeah.

- Adi�s, se�or. - Adi�s, se�or.

- Begonias... - Begonias.

- Petunias... - Petunias.

- Gladiolas... - Gladiolas.

- Junquils... - Junquils.

- And hollyhocks. - Hollyhocks.

Once again, may I ask why do you want to transform...

...this place into an evil-smelling hothouse?

And marigolds, dahlias, sweetpeas and rhododendrons, that's all.

And how am I to dress, as a nymph or a driad?

- Dress as a hollyhock. - Marigolds, dahlias, sweetpeas,

- Ro... Ra... R... - R-h-o, r-h-o!

I can spell rhododendron. - Well, what of it?

- Can you spell rhododendron? - Oh, go away, go away, shoo, shoo!

- Now, for the third and last time... - Now wait a minute!

Listen, paperweight, you and Rita have been making me the fall guy long enough.

Now it's my turn to start cracking the whip.

- Big boy, listen to me. - Big boy, you listen to me.

I know that Rita acting under strict orders from you...

...staged a great spider in the fly routine Walking into my parlor gag?

Well, tonight after that show in the patio,

I'm gonna bring Rita right here and I'm gonna stage a little scene of my own.

- You want to here it? - No.

Good. Well, here goes.

Think only of beauty, think only of us.

Here in our bower, you a woman made for love.

And I a man, ready to pour the molten gold of my affection at your feet.

- Well, my... who wrote that? - I wrote it!

Why, you're insane.

Hello? I don't know anyone in Chicago. It's a mistake.

Listen, if you're half the pal you claim to be, you leave us alone.

Caballero, tonight is my turn. "Think only of beauty,

think only of us. Here in our bower, you a woman made for love.

Se�or! Se�or! Ah, se�or, three nice picture. You, you and your beautiful wife.

Oh, no, she's not my wife, but she is beautiful.

- S�, beautiful! - Take one of him, he's a great subject.

- Ah, s�, s�, se�or. - How do you like it?

- No, no, no... - So long!

- Look at here, look at here! - It's not to be taken in ten years!

- Sombrero. - Oh, this is just silly.

- La serape. - Nobody wears that...

Ah, a real, real Mexicano!

Larry!

Se�or, se�or, aqu�, aqu�, se�or!

Se�or, aqu�, no va, aqu�, se�or!

I don't want my picture taken, they look just like me.

You stay right here!

Hey, se�or!

- Waiter, check these things for me. - Oh, no, mi caballero, don't take that off.

- Why not? - You look marvelous.

- Oh, do I? - Oh, s�. You come with me to my table.

I'll keep them.

Don't do that! If you knew what I've been through...

...and the way you came rushing to my rescue, really, it was heartwarming.

- Don't mention it. - What do you want?

Mr. MacArthur, there's a long-distance call for you from Kansas City.

No calls, I don't know... But I don't know anybody in Kansas City.

You don't know anybody in Kansas City. But Larry, it might be...

- Why don't you sit down with the lady? - You come to my table, yes?

Come, come, come, mesero.

- Yes, sir? - A pint of wine.

- A quart of wine. - Oh, yes, sir.

Se�oras e caballeros, ladies and gentlemen.

We take great pleasure in presenting to you tonight...

the first number of the Caliente review. "The Lady in Red".

Sung by our beautiful Rosa Quartero, and featuring the internationally famous dancers,

the de Marcos. Thank you.

# Say, have you ever met the girl # # Who's the toast of the town? #

# A work of art without a question #

# Who gives your heart a queer congestion #

# Say, have you ever met the dream # # In the red velvet gown #

# If you will pardon my suggestion # # You'd better write her number down #

# She's the gay young bird # # All the magazines feature #

# Upon my word she's the zippiest creature # - # Yay, yay #

Yeah, yeah!

# She's the Valentine # # All the movies are after #

# She won't sign # # Cause she really don't have to #

I declare.

# Oh, the lady in red # # The fellows are crazy for the lady in red #

# She's a bit gaudy, but Lordy # # What a personality #

# Oh, the lady in red is fresh as a daisy # # When the town is in bed #

# Dancing and dining # # And shining with originality #

# She's very proper # # She's nothing more than a pal #

# But, oh me and oh my #

# You'd never stop her # # She'd be a dangerous gal #

# If she should ever meet the right guy #

# Oh, the lady in red # # The fellows are crazy for the lady in red #

# Is she a study, oh Lordy # # What a great personality #

# She's got vitality #

# Say, have you ever met the girl # # Who's the toast of the town? #

# A work of art without a question # # You'd better write her number down #

# Say, have you ever met the girl # # Who's the toast of the town? #

# A work of art without a question #

# Who gives your heart a queer congestion #

# Say, have you ever met the dream # # In the red velvet gown #

# If you will pardon my suggestion # # You'd better write her number down #

# She's the gay young bird # # All the magazines feature #

# Upon my word she's the zippiest creature # # Yay, yay #

# Say, have you ever met the girl # # Who's the toast of the town? #

# A work of art without a question #

# Who gives your heart a queer congestion #

# Say, have you ever met the dream # # In the red velvet gown #

# If you will pardon my suggestion # # You'd better write her number down #

# She's the gay young bird # # All the magazines feature #

# Upon my word she's the zippiest creature # # Yay, yay #

# She's the Valentine # # All the movies are after #

# She won't sign # # Cause she really don't have to #

Well, I declare.

# Oh, the lady in red # # The fellows are crazy for the lady in red #

# She's a bit gaudy, but Lordy # # What a personality #

# Oh, the lady in red is fresh as a daisy # # When the town is in bed #

# Dancing and dining # # And shining with originality #

# She's very proper # # She's nothing more than a pal #

# But oh me and oh my #

# You'd never stop her # # She'd be a dangerous gal #

# If she should ever meet the right guy #

# Oh, the lady in red # # The fellows are crazy for the lady in red #

# Is she a study, but buddy # # What a personality, she's got vitality #

# Say, have you ever met the girl # # Who's the toast of the town? #

# A work of art without a question #

# You'd better write her number down #

# I'm the lady in red #

# Can't you look in my eyes # # And see I wanna be led #

# So don't be so yellow, hey, fellow # # Hows about a kiss or two? #

# You heard what I said, come on and get # # Close to me and you'll get ahead #

# Don't you say no, sir # # Cause, oh, sir, I have set my eye on you #

Ow, lookee here, don't be so nervous. I ain't gonna bite you.

Oh, honey bunch, I could just love you to death.

Don't be so nervous, just hold your seat and sit tight.

And I'll hug you, and I'll squeeze you till you're plum out of breath.

# Where was you bred, why don't you give in? # # I'd hate to ask you to wed #

Oh, no!

# Give your love to me and do me # # Just the way I want you to #

# Oh, the lady in red # # The fellows are crazy for the lady in red #

# She's a bit gaudy, but Lordy # # What a personality #

# Oh, the lady in red is fresh as a daisy # # When the town is in bed #

# Dancing and dining # # And shining with originality #

# Originality #

# She's very proper # # She's nothing more than a pal #

# But oh dear and oh my #

# You'd never stop her # # She'd be a dangerous gal #

# If she should ever meet the right guy #

# Oh, the lady in red # # The fellows are crazy for the lady in red #

# Is she a study, oh, buddy # # What a personality, she's got vitality #

# Say, have you ever met the girl # # Who's the toast of the town? #

# A work of art without a question # # You'd better write her number down #

Yay-yay!

- You didn't like the dances? - Oh, they were alright, not bad.

- Of course you've seen better. - Better? I've seen the best.

Nijinsky, Martha Graham, Wigman, La Argentina...

Did you ever see Espa�ita? I believe she danced a year ago in New York.

Yes, I saw her. I reviewed her for the magazine.

- I hear that as a dancer she's marvelous. - As a dancer she's in Harold's class.

Will you excuse me?

No, no, please. You stay here and enjoy yourself.

- I must go and find Jos�. - You promised you'd have supper with me.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Jos�, will you please inform the manager...

...that I will dance tomorrow night at the fiesta?

Oh, you'll dance, hm? Fine. For how much?

- For nothing. - For nothing?

Rita, my little quail, tell me that these ears of mine are deceiving me.

- For nothing, Jos�. - But my commission!

I will take care of your commission.

But, Rita, you are not this type of dancer, you are a concert dancer.

It doesn't matter. I will dance tomorrow night.

# The lady in red # # The boys are all crazy for the lady in red #

# She's a bit gaudy # # But lordy, what a personality #

I beg your pardon, se�or, but. um...

...you are spilling that precious, that beautiful champagne.

Oh... so... Thank you, monsieur. # Oh, the lady in red... #

# The boys are all crazy for the lady in red #

# She's a bit gaudy # # But lordy, what a personality #

# The lady in red, she's a bit gaudy # # But lordy, what a personality #

Now, let me see. As you start to kiss me, I walk over to the ballustrade here.

That's it exactly, and I come around here and finish the song.

And don't forget, Espa�ita, you grab the whip,

hit him across the face just as he sings the last word of the chorus.

I'll remember. Like this.

Excuse me, se�orita, but now I would like to call the company...

...for a complete rehearsal of the number right here on the sets.

- Splendid idea. - Let's have the orchestra too, Veloz.

S�, s�! - Grand.

Well, she wouldn't speak to you all day,

she wouldn't even see you and she isn't here. Now, can't you take a hint?

No, she suddenly got angry for no reason at all.

- Wouldn't even speak to me. Why? - Oh well, now, you're asking me.

There's a call for you from San Diego, Mr. MacArthur.

Will you go away, I've been getting those calls for three days.

That's the wrong MacArthur. They're calling Fort MacArthur.

Very well, sir.

- Now what? - From Srta. Espa�ita, se�or.

Oh!

What's this?

Se�oras y caballeros, ladies and gentlemen.

It is a great honor to present to you tonight the big number of our new review.

"Muchacha". And now a surprise, for tonight only, we have the great fortune...

...to present in our review a world renowned guest of the hotel.

The famous La Espa�ita. Thank you.

Behold, the chief of a bandit brigade.

Behold a bandit who isn't afraid of anything but a Mexican maid in Caliente.

Bandit afraid of Mexican maid? Jos�, Juan, Vito...

# Behold, the chief of a bandit brigade # S�, s�!

# Behold a bandit who isn't afraid # S�, seguro!

# Of anything but a Mexican maid # # In Caliente #

A Caliente!

# So tonight I'll kidnap all the moonlight #

# And I'll steal the starlight from the sky #

# I'll look this brave little maid # # In the eye #

# I'll hold her up # # And I'll tenderly sigh #

# Muchacha #

# Tonight I've got you # # Where I want you, my muchacha #

# I'll watcha just like a cat # # Would watch a little cucaracha #

# For ransom, I'll ask # # For a handsome prize #

# Let it be a glance # # From your dancing eyes #

# I've gotcha #

# And in the lingo of the gringo # # I'm so hotcha #

# Muchacha, for you #

The chief is endowed for a hold-up tonight.

He's out for an hour of wild delight.

And if he is after some treasure his own.

He'll find it inside of a Spanish home.

He's out for someone fun that is precious and rare.

A pair of red lips and raven hair.

You said it, Django!

# For ransom, I'll ask # # For a handsome prize #

# Let it be a glance # # From your dancing eyes #

# I gotcha #

# And in the lingo of the gringo # # I'm so hotcha #

# Muchacha #

# She's fair and twenty # # But she knows plenty #

# In Caliente # # You learn to love #

# Cucaracha #

# Muchacha #

# Tonight I've got you # # Where I want you, my muchacha #

# I'll watcha just like a cat # # Would watch a little cucaracha #

# For ransom, I'll ask # # For a handsome prize #

# Let it be a glance # # From your dancing eyes #

# I've gotcha #

# And in the lingo of the gringo # # I'm so hotcha #

# Muchacha #

# Behold, the chief of a bandit brigade #

# Behold a bandit who isn't afraid #

# Of anything but a Mexican maid # # In Caliente #

Ah, s�!

# For ransom, we'll ask # # For a handsome prize #

# Let it be a glance # # From your dancing eyes #

# He's gotcha #

# And in the lingo of the gringo # # It's so hotcha #

# Muchacha, for you #

# For tonight we'll have a gay fiesta #

# We'll romance and dance the night away #

# We'll live and love # # And be merry and gay #

# And feel the dawn of another new day #

# Muchacha #

# This time I've got you # # Where I want you, my muchacha #

# I'll watcha just like a cat # # Would watch a little cucaracha #

# Cucaracha, for ransom I'll ask # # For a handsome prize #

# Let it be a glance # # From your dancing eyes #

# We've gotcha #

# And in the lingo of the gringo # # It's so hotcha #

# Muchacha, for you #

Rita, would you believe me if I told you I never wrote that review?

- No, it was too brilliant. - Well, alright, I'll tell you the truth.

I caught that recital at the tail end of o week's binge.

Oh, please go away. - Oh, Rita, please, I'm sorry.

I was plastered and I apologize.

Will you have supper with me and give me a chance to explain?

Five minutes is all I want, just five minutes.

- All right. - You're an angel.

- Say, how much farther to Caliente? - Qui�n sabe, who knows, se�orita?

Maybe 8, 10 miles. Maybe 12 miles, I don't know.

- Hello, darling. - Hello, Larry.

Oh, yes. Bring me a bottle of champagne 1908 Clicquot and scram.

Clicquot 1908 and scram. Than you very much.

Well, honey, am I forgiven?

I won't be added to your collection, Larry.

I don't know what you've heard about me, but...

Whatever it is, I swear on my word... my word of honor.

You're the only woman in my life.

You're the only woman I've ever cared anything about.

What about the beautiful blonde in New York?

- Blonde? - Hm-hmm.

Say, you by any chance haven't been listening to Harold, have you?

That fellow kills me. And of course, Harold is the type of man...

...who exercises a peculiar, subtle sort of charm over women.

I suppose he thought it'd be funny to pawn his reputation off on me, you see?

Bring all those bags in.

Larry, I would like to believe you.

I will believe you.

- Oh, Rita, you are sweet. - You're the sweet one, Larry.

I'm so sorry I... I acted like this.

I'm the one to be sorry. I'm ashamed of myself.

You?

There's nothing to worry about now. There's just we two left.

I'll get twenty years for this, but it'll be worth it.

Bring it back later. Fifteen minutes!

Why, you...

Darling, I phoned you all the way across the continent.

Rita!

- Don't talk to me. - I can explain everything.

I know, I'm drunk. It isn't a woman I'm seeing, there is no woman.

Goodbye, Sr. MacArthur.

What brought you here?

The TransAmerican Airline, you double-crossing... Who's that woman?

I'll tell you who that woman is, she's the one I'm gonna marry.

Oh, that's what you think. Not as long as there's lawyers and justice in this world.

I'll sue you for every penny you've got, and plenty more, see?

Rita!

Trying to double-cross me, huh? Scram!

Scram? What is this scram?

- You! - You!

- Say, what's this about Larry getting married? - Why, I never heard of such a thing.

Well, there was a woman in his room just now, he said he was gonna marry her.

- Rita! - I'm gonna stop it, see?

- And I'm going to help you, see? - Come on!

- Su bolsa u sus guantas. - Gracias.

- Cuidase, se�orita. - Gracias, Maria. Buen d�a.

Come, Jos�.

Rita, I can explain everything, you don't have to believe me, just listen to me.

- Goodbye, Mr. MacArthur. - Rita, Rita, darling!

Rita, if you only listen to me, I can explain everything. Rita!

Rita, will you listen to me? I love you. I love you. I love you. Rita!

Oh, Rita, will you please listen to me? Gimme a break, will you?

I'm innocent, I tell you!

Rita! Rita!

Larry, caution!

- Oh, she drives too. - Come on, let's go after them!

- Here, here, get in here! - Yes... driver!

- No, we don't need a driver! - No, you can't take a car like this!

Come on, quick. Hurry up!

Polic�a! Polic�a!

Clara, please, get your foot off that gadget, I'm driving this car!

Hurry up, hurry up, they're getting away from us.

Haste makes waste.

Rita! Rita, darling. This isn't fair.

Oh, it's just silly to endanger our lives like this. Although, as a matter of fact,

I'd give every penny of the half-million dollars I have...

...in the Merchant's and Miner's Bank to stop those two.

Oh, we'll stop them alright.

- What bank? - The Merchant's and Miner's.

What's the matter, aren't there any speed laws in Mexico?

Uh-oh, here comes the law. Looks like a pinch.

Don't worry, my friend, there is nothing that I cannot fix.

Fly on, my pigeon.

On second thought, I think we had better stop.

Speeding. That's a very serious offense in Mexico.

Oh, we were only going about 32 or 30... Yes, Sergeant.

It calls for a severe penalty, And you're also guilty of stealing a car.

Why, I never stole a car in all my... Yes, Captain.

The penalty for that in Mexico is practically capital punishment.

Why, General!

But you see, officer... general, this charming gentleman and myself are eloping.

- Eloping? - Eloping?

- No, we're doing nothing of the kind! - Yes. darling. You don't blame us, do you?

- We're doing nothing of... - Darling!

Fine, my father he's a magistrate! He'll perform the ceremony very reasonably.

- Oh, that's marvelous, lead the way, officer. - You stay right here!

You don't want to spend the rest of your life in a jail in Mexico, do you?

I've never been known to tell a lie in my life.

Ah, another wedding!

- Wedding? - S�, se�or.

I've just united this lucky young gentleman with the charming lady in marriage.

Congratulations, Harold, congratulations! You are my pal after all.

You see, that's when he's at his best, back against the wall, under pressure.

What did I tell you, Rita? It's childhood sweethearts, Rita, childhood sweethearts.

- I don't believe you. - I never told you a lie in my life.

Darling, we'll spend our honeymoon right here in Caliente.

No, no, no, I've got to get back to New York. There's something about this Caliente.

Sure, it's palm trees, love, glamour, romance.

Harold, it's just jangled nerves.

A couple of days in this atmosphere and you'll be all right.

- Now look here, Larry, I don't like it. - But what's the difference? I like it.

Come, Harold.

This way, please. I will perform the ceremony most reasonably.

- Se�or, what do you call reasonable? - $10. I would call it reasonable.

- Well, I will give you $20. - Oh, $20, gracias, se�or.

- That is, of course, if... - If?

Do you happen to have a pack of cards with you?

- Rita, now do you believe me? - Yes, Larry.

Darling! Here's how we're going to spend our honeymoon.

Caliente, the land of flowers, romance and you.

English not so good-looking.