All language subtitles for Hacks (2021) S4 E4

Wait, wait!

Oh--

One, two, three.

Oh, my goodness.

Do not adjust your TV sets.

Yes, this is late night.

And yes, I am a woman.

Actually, actually,
if you don't mind,

I'd love for you to go
into your TV settings

and adjust the smoothing level
all the way to a hundred.

Isn't that better?

I am Deborah Vance.

Thank you.

I tried being a late-night
host way back in the 1970s,

but that didn't work out.

So this is my second act.

- Whoo!
- And, uh--thank you.

And second act--

Is code--

For--

Excuse me.

Hey. You OK?

It's--it's my chest.

I'm having a heart attack.

Get the medic.

- Deep breaths.
- It's OK.

- OK, stay calm.
- Take a deep breath.

- I'm here.
- Try to stay calm.

I'm going to take your vitals.

What did you have to eat today?

Uh, half a Greek
yogurt and 10 almonds.

- 10 almonds?
- OK, seven.

But they were jumbo.

I think you're
having a panic attack.

I'm not having
a panic attack.

And I would know
because I've never had one.

A panic attack can feel
a lot like a heart attack.

He's heard.

He doesn't freak
out all the time.

- OK.
- You haven't eaten.

Don't talk about my eating.

Ladies, no talking
about food at work.

If it's on the plate,
it's off the menu.

Now my hands are tingling.

Your heart rate is
only slightly elevated,

so it does sound more
like a panic attack

than it does a heart attack.

Let's find someplace you can
lie down and get some fluids.

I'm in the middle
of a monologue.

It's OK, Deborah.

This is a dress rehearsal.

- That's what these are for.
- Yeah.

Get some rest.
We've got two days.

It's fine.

OK.

Release the audience.

- Release the audience.
- Just breathe.

We'll find you
someplace to rest.

OK.

Just take--take it easy.

- You're gonna be OK.
- OK.

Scared the shit out of me.

Hey.

Just checking on you.

I'm fine.

OK.

Well, when I have panic
attacks, it's helpful for me

to ground myself by naming
things in the room, you know?

Couch, pillow,
People's Choice Award.

It wasn't a panic attack.

And that is a CableACE Award.

OK.

Let's just lower
the volume a little.

OK, it was not
a panic attack,

just a little stage fright.

Sta--what did you say?

Stage fright?

How dare you?

I have never had stage
fright my entire career,

not even when I performed
in front of Saddam Hussein.

And that was after I
rejected his advances.

This was a cardiac issue.

OK.

Ladies, I don't want to have
to introduce a volume jar,

- but I can.
- I was just trying to help.

I don't want your help.

This was all your fault.

It's my fault you
had a cardiac issue?

Yes, because we need
a stronger opener.

And your bad writing
is killing me!

All right.

Guys, the beans are getting
a little steamed in here.

So, Ava, why don't you give
Deborah a break to rest,

and we'll return to
this maybe never.

I don't know.

Just--

Sure.

Lamp, tray, angry woman.

Oh, hey, Merrill.

Oh, hey.
How's Deborah?

I think she's OK.

I think she's just a
little overwhelmed.

And how is Eva doing?

Oh, Ava?
Me?

- Sure.
- Yeah, I'm good.

I'm so tired I keep
walking into rooms

and not knowing why I came in.

Yeah, I've been there.

Hey, I've been
meaning to say this.

It is such an honor
working with you.

And I just don't want
it to be weird because I

know you co-created
"Letterman."

And I'm obviously,
like, younger, but--

Relax.
I so would not want your job.

So much stress.

I don't want to call it
hell on earth, but I mean,

it's a job for a lunatic.

- You know it.
- Yeah.

That's right, yeah.

I am loving this gig.

I mean, I'm here Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday--classic

consulting producer sandwich.

Yeah, you got to be available
for three-day weekends

in both directions.

That's the bread
part of the sandwich.

It sounds so nice.

And by the way, I'm gonna
start bringing my dogs

whenever I feel like it.

So if you're allergic,
stock up on Claritin.

- Oh, your--
- Ciao

Ciao.

Why'd I come in here?

Coffee.

I don't know.

I still think my
armpits look too long.

Don't let me hear
that negative talk.

You have beautiful armpits.

So how are you feeling?

Fine and tired
of people asking.

Totally. So am I.

Everybody needs
to get over it, right?

So listen.

Tomorrow after the show,
I made us an early reservation

at Mother Wolf.

You're gonna love it.

Well, it's the
first show, so I

should probably eat dinner with
the guests and with Winnie.

Oh, um, of course,
as you should.

Famous people should eat
with other famous people.

Next time.

Come on.
Smile, LuSaque.

You're prettier when you smile.

- Winnie!
- Hello.

I just wanted to check in
on you after yesterday.

How are you feeling?

Oh, that is so
sweet of you to ask.

No, no.

I'm fine, really.

It's no big deal.

There's nothing
to be ashamed of.

But I did make
you an appointment

with my cardiologist
in Beverly Hills

this afternoon just to make
sure you're in tip-top shape.

He's the best.

A little handsy, but I
think it means he cares.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, really.

Oh, you are so nice.
But no, I'm fine.

I'm not being nice.

I just spent a lot of money
at the dealership,

and I want to make sure
I didn't get a clunker.

See you tomorrow.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

Deborah Vance.
I have an appointment.

I'll let them
know you're here.

Thank you.

Beverly Hills Cardiology.

Excuse me, Ms. Burnett, I
don't know if you remember me.

- Deborah Vance?
- Of course.

We met at the opening
of Planet Hollywood.

- How are you?
- Yes.

Hi.
I'm good, good.

Oh, boy.

I won't forget
that night, though.

I got sick as a dog.

Never eat fish
from a restaurant that has

Indiana Jones' whip
on the wall.

Well, you know,
I am really happy for you.

It's about time
a woman wore the suit.

Well, thank you.

Well, I--

I couldn't have
done it without you.

- Oh.
- No, your show--

I mean, when I
was a little girl,

I would watch you do that.

And--and it did.

It made me feel like
I could do that.

That's very sweet.

Pointed because
you're highlighting

- our age difference.
- Well, I--

It's sweet. It's sweet.

Can I--can I ask
you something?

Sure.

Did you ever
get stage fright?

Yeah, I did at first.

You can't be getting
stage fright.

You've been doing this
almost as long as I have.

Well, I mean,
I never have until now.

Well, you know what
they always used to say?

You should picture
your audience naked.

Right.

I know it's kind of creepy.

And then, of course,
when they get older,

it's even nauseating.

So--so that
didn't work for me.

But you know what did?

I would pick one
person in the audience,

and I would do the
show just for them.

Hmm.

Yeah.

So what are you in for?

Oh, nothing.

I just think the
doctor's a hunk.

Ms. Burnett?

Oh, yeah.

OK.

Listen.

You're going to be wonderful.

You always are.

Thank you.

Except for that Lifetime
movie you made in the '80s.

I didn't care for that.

Knock 'em dead, kiddo.

You ready?

OK.

Hey.

Hi.

Big day.

Mm-hmm.

I'm taking the
writers to Bar Lubitsch

to watch the first
show tonight.

Might be nice if you wanted
to watch with, uh, them.

Well, I have dinner plans.

I'm gonna watch later at home.

Right. OK.

Well--

You know, we're not
really supposed to speak

without Stacy present.

Excuse me.

Aren't you the girl I used
to live with who had a very,

very dirty laptop screen?

Josefina.

Oh.

Oh, you are starved
for human touch.

Sorry.

That's OK.

It's been
a tough couple weeks.

It's nice to see
a familiar face.

I'm excited for the big show.

I miss seeing you.

Why don't you come
to the house for dinner?

Oh, um, I'm not exactly
welcome at the moment.

Oh.

But I miss you, too.

- Are you liking LA?
- Loving it.

Tonight, I am seeing "Wings
of Desire" in 70 millimeter.

Los Angeles is really bringing
out the cinephile in me.

Hi, hey.

So good news.

Hurricane Irma has been
downgraded to a tropical storm.

The bad news is, we can't
do any of the hurricane

- jokes we wrote anymore.
- Shit.

Yeah, so we have some alts
for you to look at.

You're busy.
I'll let you go.

Sorry.

No, I want to go
because this is stressful,

and I'm here to enjoy myself.

Bye-bye.

Right this way.

Come on.
Would you do to her?

The raisin girl?

She looks kinky,
beautiful breasts.

All right, don't.
We're at the show.

Triple hazelnut
macchiato, Ms. Schaefer.

Ow!
It's hot.

What the hell is this?
I said ice.

- Ghiaccio!
- OK, it's cool

I'll drink it.
Thank you so much.

- Get out of here, Arnold!
- I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

What?

We represent the head writer
and the main talent.

We need to make sure that
every single person in here

knows that we have power
from top to bottom.

OK?
So I went half-gorilla mode.

- Who cares?
- Half-gorilla mode?

Oh, you're gonna know
when I go full-gorilla mode.

Look, because we represent
the main talent,

we have to set an example and
lead with love, all right?

It's really important.

You manage your way.

I'll manage mine, OK?

I need ChapStick!

There she is.

I think goo-goo ga-ga's
a little more accessible.

- Copy.
- Thank you so much.

- I agree.
- Sorry, guys, hi.

- Hello, head writer.
- Hey, so listen.

We want to take you,
our favorite client,

out to dinner tonight
to celebrate the show.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, I'm taking
the writers out.

I would invite you, but it's,
like, a writers-only thing.

- Oh.
- OK.

Um, yeah, of course.

Yes, you should.

You take out your scribes.

Writers should be with
other writers, you know?

Like "Didion and Babitz."

They had their tension.

But I think at the
end of the day,

they actually
understood each other.

- Totally.
- Yeah.

Totally.

I really should get
back to the room though.

Of course, of course.
Have a great show.

OK.

See, Jimmy, when
you lead with love,

you give people
the option to say no.

You mean consent?

Don't politicize everything.

Yawn.

So who's Diddy and Beeboo?

"Didion and Babitz."

I told you, read women.

Can we get four
to stand--or somebody

to stand in position?

So we got
a great show tonight.

I think someone you
know is on it--someone

by the name of Deborah Vance.

This is a big deal!

This is the first episode

of "Late Night
with Deborah Vance."

Deborah Vance, Deborah Vance.

They're ready.

OK, enough.

Everybody should be
in your position.

Coming to stage now.

Give em hell, Deb.

Hey, Deborah, if you
take your first step

on stage with your left foot,
you'll have a better show.

You're crushing it.

Hey, Deb, can we get a
quick pic for socials, please?

Perfect.

So my dad is up in heaven
right now, looking down,

and he's so proud.

Fuck 'em all, baby.

Just--

Just have fun out there.

I just need to
adjust your mic, Deb.

It's actually picking
up your heartbeat.

There we go.

For the very first time,
your host, Deborah Vance.

It's too much, too much.

All right, thank you.

Whoo!

Do not adjust your TVs.

Yes, this is late night.

And yes, I am a woman.

Actually, if you
don't mind, I'd

love you to go into
your TV settings

and adjust the smoothing level
all the way up to a hundred.

There you go.

Isn't that better?

My name is Deborah Vance.

But--but--but some of you
may know me as number 33

on the 1998 "Maxim" list of
Top 100 Showbiz Cougars.

I tried being a late-night
host way back in the 1970s,

but it didn't work out.

So, you know,
this is my second act.

Second act is--
second act is code--

Second act is code for, "No one
wanted to hire me for 40 years,

but I refused to die until
they gave me what I wanted."

But I am so excited to be here.

I've got big plans
for the show.

My goal is to make
this show feel

new, tight, shiny, refreshed,
barely recognizable.

You know, like me
after a face lift.

My good friend, Randy
Newman, ladies and gentlemen.

- Welcome to LA, Deb.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

We love LA.

We love all of you.

Thank you for joining us.

We are just getting started.

See you tomorrow night with
Shaboozey and Nancy Pelosi.

- That was fantastic.
- Thank you.

I got us reservations
at Poisson.

Oh, sorry.

No offense, but I don't like
anybody watching me eat.

I haven't eaten
in public since 1988.

Oh, OK.
That's all right.

- I'm sorry.
- I get it.

- I get it.
- Oh, good.

- Good to see you, baby.
- Good to see you.

- Great show.
- Oof.

Before you go, can we grab
those affiliate shout outs?

Yeah, sure.

Great.

Amazing, amazing, amazing.

I got to run home and make
sure my daughter's not trying

to drive to Target again.

- I'll see you at dinner?
- Oh, of course.

- Of course.
- Great.

OK, ready?

Whenever you are.

Hey, Tulsa, Oklahoma,
tune in at 11:30.

I'll be waiting for you
only on KOKA TV.

- Hey, Spokane, Washington.
- Hey.

Stick around after--

Should we head to the bar?

- -for the premiere of--

Oh, um, I was gonna wait to
see if Deborah wanted to talk.

Hey, Austin, Texas.
How y'all doing?

But, um--

You do everything big
down there, and so do I.

Yeah, let's head out.

Don't go to bed
just yet, Cincinnati.

There's a single blonde in your
area who wants to talk to you.

OK, party people, T-minus three
hours till the first show airs.

- Oh.
- Champagne.

- Oh.
- Whoo.

Can I get anyone
anything else?

Yeah, do you guys do
espresso martinis?

- Yeah.
- OK.

Can I have one of those?

Hold the liquor.

So just an espresso?

Yeah.
A double, please.

- Can I get one, too?
- Me, too.

OK, yeah, get whatever
you guys want on me.

Tab's open all night.

Wow.

- Where's Melanie?
- Oh.

- Oh,
- Over there.

There.

Am I forcing you
guys to be here?

- No.
- No.

No.

We want to watch
the show, just

a little tired since we've
been working late nights,

like, the whole week.

Well, only 198 shows
left this year, so--

Why don't you guys go
home and get some sleep?

Yeah, you deserve it.

You guys have been
working so hard.

You know how
the show turned out.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- All right.
- Thank you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Have a good night.

See you tomorrow.

Melanie, we can go.

No, I'm having fun.

Yep.

Thank you.

Have a beautiful night.

We don't--
we don't need those.

And I'll just
close out the tab.

- OK.
- Thanks.

Hi, Winnie.

Hi, so my kid just threw
up all over the place.

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's what a hundred
gummy worms will do.

He's so annoying.

Sorry, I can't make it.

I'm sure you guys will
have a blast without me.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

No, we're gonna
have a great time.

- Thanks.
- Rain check.

OK, Deb?

OK.

Bye.

Have you eaten yet?

I just--I have no
idea what to order.

Well, you can never
go wrong with quail.

Is that what you--
what you want me to get?

Get whatever you want.

Well, you can never
go wrong with quail.

Shit.

Wait!
I'm here.

I'm here.
I'm leaving.

I'm leaving right now.

This lot's for
customers only.

No, I--I am a customer.

I'm--I'm going in right now.

You just said
you were leaving.

Yeah, I'm leave--

I'm leaving outside
to go inside.

I'll bring you the receipt.

Just wait.
Just wait one second.

- See you soon, Mr. Fish.
- Hey.

Hi.
Sorry, can I please cut you?

- It's an emergency.
- Whoa, sure.

- OK, yeah.
- Thank you, sorry.

- Hi.
- Hey, how's it going?

I'll just take this.

Sure.
One mini lube, $1.99.

OK.

Oh, there's a
$15 card minimum.

Shit.

One.

OK, two, four, six,
two plus eight, 10.

No.

Could I get that big dildo?

Thank you.
Thank you.

Can I get a receipt?

Oh, we have a very
strict no-returns policy.

No, it's not for me.
It's for the tow truck driver.

Doesn't matter who
the dildo is for.

No, no, no, not--
not the dildo.

- The receipt.
- Oh.

OK.

So you're gonna want to use
a water-based lube on that.

Gotcha.

A lot of people think
silicone toys, silicone lube,

- right?
- Right.

Wrong.

Silicone on silicone can
actually create micro tears.

I'm not gonna be
using any lube on this.

Oh, no.

You're gonna want
to use some lube.

It's a lot bigger
than it looks.

OK, great.
No problem.

I'm gonna lube it up.

Gonna put it all over there,
slide it on, no problem.

Can I--

So that's a new
transaction for the lube.

No, I want to leave.
Thank you.

Sorry, gonna take that.
Hey, thank you.

Love your jacket.

Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no.

I bought this.
I bought this!

Fuck.

And there you go.
Thanks so much.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, good to see you.
- You too.

- You too.
- All right.

Hey, guys.

It's me.
I'm back.

They did tow--tow the car.

I'd love to return this.

I told you, we got
a no-returns policy.

I know, but come on, man.

It's been two minutes.

You think I just went
into the parking lot

and shoved this inside
me with the plastic

still on and then came back in?

It's happened.

All right, whatever.

Do you at least have
a phone charger?

My car got towed,
and my phone's dying.

- I need to call an Uber.
- Yeah.

You have an Android?

- No.
- Oh.

We can give you
a ride to your car.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It sounds like you're having
kind of a rough night.

Thank you, thank you.

- I appreciate that.
- Of course.

Yeah, we're out this way.

Hey.

Water-based, on the house.

Thanks.

Anyway, so that's how
Hitler knew he'd lost.

Oh, wow.

Are you enjoying Los Angeles?

It's--it's OK because
it's--it's an adjustment,

you know, being an LA gay.

But you've been in
Los Angeles with me many times.

Yes, but then I was a gay
in LA, not an LA gay,

which is different.

How so?

Well, LA is more
competitive than Vegas.

I mean, Vegas is--is really
competitive--probably more

competitive than people think.

But LA is--it's competitive.

And by competitive,
you mean--

Muscles.

Oh.

Everyone has insane
bodies, and I just

don't know how they do it.

I've been asking
people what they eat.

So you want to be bigger?

I need an ass
the size of a house.

Deborah, I--

That's OK.

- I am so sorry.
- It's fine.

I just um--

I've never had alcohol before.

And then there's
the problem of my hair.

What?
You have a great head of hair.

No, my body hair.

In my 20s, I lasered all
the hair off my body.

All of it?

Yeah, every last wisp.

But now everyone
wants hair everywhere.

I just--I can't.

It's just been hard for me
as a hairless person.

It's like, the only way
to make friends here

is a great body, hair,
or a really famous friend.

Deborah, do you
want to maybe make

one stop before you go home?

I know this bar
where people would

lose their minds to see you.

No.

I really need to get
home, but you go.

Oh, it's still early.

Look, five minutes.

I mean, you might
enjoy it, actually.

- Oh, I don't know.
- Come on.

Give 'em a thrill.

Hey, everyone.

Look who brought
Deborah Vance to the club.

Damien Asada Agosto!

So now I'm
allergic to shrimp.

Right here is great.

Thank you guys so much.

That was so nice of you.

Yeah.

I wish I could repay you.

How about you let
us take you to dinner?

- Like, both of you?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

We'd love to take you out.

OK, yes.

- Want my number?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Who should I give it to?

- Don't make me pick.
- Here.

Ava Daniels.

Here you go.

- See you guys.
- Bye.

Bye.

Thank you.

Deborah, this
really hot guy, Raul,

just invited me
to go home with him.

Cute.

I know, right?

I guess you better go.

Well, I'll walk
you to the car.

No, no, honey, I'm gonna
stay a few more minutes.

I mean, my future
husband could be here.

OK. Well, have fun.

Yeah, you too.

Ms. Vance?

There's been a request
for you in a cage.

In a--in a cage?

Please.

Well, that could be fun.

Sure, why not?

- Deborah!
- What?

Deborah, you should
do poppers.

- What?
- Poppers!

Hello?

Is this Ava Daniels?

Yes.

Is this Emily,
my friend from the sex shop?

Couldn't wait, could ya?

Oh, uh, no.

My name is Janine,
and I'm calling from

Cedars-Sinai emergency room.

Oh, sorry.

Ms. Vance has
been hospitalized.

Oh, my God.

Is she OK?

Is it her heart?
Fuck.

I didn't believe her.
Fuck.

She'll be OK,
but we think you should

come here if you're able to.

I'll be right there.
Thank you.

Room 162?

Second door on the left.

There you are.

What are you doing here?

Didn't you have them call me?

No.

Oh, I meant to update
my emergency contact.

Ah.

Are you OK?

They said you did poppers.

They were non-consensually
administered by a deranged fan.

And I hit my head
on a go-go cage.

That old chestnut?

Well, I'm glad you're OK.

I was really worried.

What time is it?

11:18.

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit.

Come on.

Oh, no. Come on.

Shit.
Get a nurse.

Nurse!

Where's the call button?
Get a nurse.

No, there, hi.

I need to be discharged.

We need to keep you
for observation a bit longer,

so I can't send you home yet.

No, but my first
show is tonight,

and this TV's not working.

- I need to watch it.
- I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm the new late-night host.

Ooh, I'm gonna get
a psych check in here.

No, no, no.
It's OK.

She's fine.

I got it.

Can you get up?

Let's go.

You know, when I
was a little girl,

I used to watch this
show with my family.

I wanted this so
badly for so long.

Oh.

Unfortunately,
my dad and mom both--

- It's you.
- Hi.

But if my mother were alive
today, I think she'd say,

you're wearing that?

She never liked
women in pants.

You know, when you get
something in this industry,

you always have to
wonder if you're just

getting it for your looks.

But I got this in my 70s,
so I didn't have to wonder.

I know I got it for my looks.

I'm hotter than I've ever
been, and I know for a fact,

my breasts played a huge role.

But seriously, if you're
a little girl, watching,

you can do this, too.

I'll keep the
chair warm for you.

All right, it's gonna
be a great show.

Let's have some fun!

Congratulations.

You too.

Randy Newman is here!

That was amazing.

Thank you.

The devil is real,
and he lives inside me.

Oh.

A fan's a fan.

Dedicated to the victims
and first responders

of the 2025
Los Angeles wildfires.

We love LA.