Original subtitles

Transcripts from novels and synchro: wyxchari

Psst!! Do you want to talk about it?

I don't talk to strangers.

Perhaps I can help.

I didn't ask for any.

You know you shouldn't sit here. It's dangerous.

I don't care anymore. Let them get me.

You don't have to face your suffering alone, you know.

What do you mean?

There's a place. A secret place. Where some of us gather to indulge their depressions,

to share their miseries, with other killjoys like you and me.

I'm not a killjoy!

That's what they would call you. You interested?

Perhaps.

Oooh, it changed my life. Here, my card. Here, take it!

"Silas P"

Other side!

But it says...

"Happiness Patrol, Undercover"!!! Time to get really depressed!!!!

Have a nice death!

How about a triceratops?

A three-horned dinosaur with a mouth like a beak?

The Brigadier saw one in the London Underground once.

And a tyrranosaurus rex?

Met quite a few actually.

Any pterodactyls?

Lots of pterodactyls! We should make a visit sometime.

To Earth in the Upper Cretaceous? Wicked!

A very good time for dinosaurs!

I love dinosaurs! But I hate that. Liff music!! Where are we, Professor anyway?

A planet, an Earth colony settled some time in your future. Do you like it?

No.

No, neither do I. Why not?

Too phony. Too happy!

Yes, I've been hearing disturbing rumours about Terra Alpha.

So I thought I'd better look in some time.

So tonight's the night?

Tonight's the night. I've been hearing rumours of something evil,

and we're going to get to the bottom of it!

Your third badge, Silas P! 45 killjoys to your credit! I'm very happy!

I'm glad that you're happy ma'am, but it is actually 47!

I do the counting, thank you, Silas P.

Sorry ma'am.

Still, I like your initiative, your enterprise. I'll see that you go far.

I might mean for the top.

Not quite the very top, Silas P?

Professor, this music is winding me up!

Yes, it makes you wonder how the natives stand it.

I don't see any natives.

Here comes one now!

Name?

Ace!

No nicknames, aliases, pseudonyms, nom-de-plumes. Real name!

It is my real name! Tell him Professor!

What's in a name?

I could report you for that!

Can you smell something, Professor?

Now that you come to mention it. You will have to forgive my young friend,

Ace, Mr, um, er you didn't tell me your name.

You're right, I didn't give it to you, but I don't have to.

I'm on official business from Galactic Centre.

How do I know you're telling the truth.

Here, my identification.

Thank you, "Trevor Sigma". Actually, my nickname at collge was "Theta Sigma".

No nicknames!!

Right. Over there. This way!

Well?

Bullet holes.

Yes, there is evil on Terra Alpha, and we've got to put a stop to it.

How long?

Tonight!

Won't that be dangerous?

Of course.

Right, where do we start?

First, we get ourselves arrested.

Professor, what have they done!!

Yes, looks good actually.

You look unhappy about something.

No, not really, just admiring your handywork. Miserable looking thing!

Our thoughts exactly. And you? Are you happy?

I would say she is, given the deeply distressing nature of some fundamental universal truths.

What do you mean?

She's happy and I'm happy.

Can't you afford a real gun? Gordon Bennet!

I'm glad you're happy, but what are you doing here?

You don't look like locals! In fact you look like killjoys!

What's a killjoy?

Alright, you must be from off-world. In future stay within the specified tourist zones!

What?

You're free to go!

You're not going to arrest us?

I don't see why!

Doctor, they're not going to arrest us!

Badges.

What?

Yes, I believe all visitors are issued badges at customs.

Yes. Where're your badges?

I've got badges

She's got badges.

This one's for top of Everest.

Not interested. Where're your badges?

Oh dear. I've seemed to lost them.

He is obviously a spy and she is his accomplice.

He will disappear and she will audition for the Happiness Patrol!

What do you mean?

You're under arrest!

Phew! About time!

What are you watching, dear?

It's a videotape, dear, something called "Routine Disappearance No. 499,987.

Turn that off, dear, that's for my eyes only.

Oh well...

And besides, you're missing my broadcast.

And finally, Joseph C and I wish to thank you for your stirling work in catching the killjoys.

Sit down my dear, you may find this instructive.

Remember, keep smiling. Happiness will prevail!

I thought we were arrested. I thought we were going to prison.

Hold the two bananas and nudge. Never fails.

Oh well, can't win them all.

That's all right, I don't like to win anymore.

Why not?

First of all, I'm a killjoy. And secondly, I don't like the prize!

What is the prize?

You're about to find out.

Congratulations and well played! Here is your prize joke!

Did you hear about the killjoy who won an outing with the Happiness Patrol?

He was tickled to death! Enjoy yourself.

I see what you mean. The delivery's terrible.

The joke's not much good either.

You're right. It's tastless, smug,

and worst of all it's badly constructed, I mean, who writes that stuff?

I wrote it!

YOU wrote it?

That's right. I used to be her gag writer, when I was Harold F. Then my brother disappeared.

I heard of other disappearences. They caught me in the rocket port zone,

trying to contact Terra Omega, and they put me in here and regeraded me to Harold V.

But why are we being kept here? Why don't we just leave?

Excuse me?

Yeesss?

Is this a prison?

A prison? Of course not! This is the Waiting Zone.

We don't have any prisons on Terra Alpha, miserable places!

So what you're saying that this isn't a place of incarceration, and we're free to go if we wish?

Well, yes and no. This isn't a prison... but cross that line, and you're a dead man.

Congratulations. Bad luck, old man. Still, we have to be fair. Wouldn't treat you otherwise.

So what you're telling me is that Helen A punches people for wearing dark clothes?

That's right. It also goes for listening to slow music,

and reading poems. Unless they're limericks, of course.

This is terrible!

Walking in the rain too, if you're on your own and don't carry an umbrella.

Why don't people stand up to her?

The people are scared!

Remember the Happiness Patrol, Ace!

Bunch of ratbags!

Ratbags with guns!

The Happiness Patrol are the nice side of her regime! Do you know who the Kandyman is, Doctor?

Sounds rather sweet.

He's dangerous! He's doing experiments, and that's why we're here.

He needs guinea pigs: guinea pigs like you and me!

What sort of experiments?

Can't find out.

What else does he do, this Kandyman?

He makes sweets.

You wanted to see me ma'am?

Just curiousity. I wanted to know what the Kandyman had cooked up for us tonight?

It's a 'fondant surprise'.

Flavour?

Strawberry.

Delicious! My favourite.

So you reckon the Kandyman's the one behind all the disappearances?

One of the ones. There are 3 ways to disappear on Terra Alpha.

The Late Show at the Forum, a visit to the Kandy Kitchen, and something else.

What sort of something else?

I don't know. Rumour has it that Helen A prefers the firing squad.

It says here, that you have been "found guilty of an ostentatious display of public grief"?

Oh dear!

PATROL!!!

And so you have been sentenced to the severest penalty decreed by Helen A!

PATROL, DISMISS!

The fondant supreme!

Time we were going, Professor?

We've got a night's work ahead of us, and I think we've learned enough.

Ace! A prison break!

A waiting zone break.

And I think we'll take our new friend with us.

What's that?

We're going to escape.

There is no escape.

Well, I must be going.

So soon. We haven't finished yet. There's still his brother Harold V to deal with.

Ah yes, his brother.

Families are very important to people's happiness.

I think he got a buzz out of that.

Shut up!

Easy, Ace!

Rather a shocking experience.

Let me get at her!

Save the anger.

You're no good to me like this.

I want to nail those scumbags. I want to make them very, very unhappy.

Don't worry. We will.

What time you cook this?

- Tell me. - Yes.

I was wondering about your go-kart.

- It's not my go-kart. It's the waiting zone gokart. - Yes.

I was *****.

If I were to get into it and drive off, what would you do?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

Nothing.

- You wouldn't raise the alarm, shoot us. - Nothing.

You're right. It is booby-trapped.

You dear me you my darling?

Well, you *****. I ***** now.

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

- You're not thinking of starting that? - No.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Give it to me. Get off.

It's a bomb, isn't it?

I'm trying to defuse it.

Let me have a go.

I'm trying not to blow us both to pieces.

I never get to have any fun.

Start the go-kart.

You can drive.

What do you want, Professor?

I haven't caught you at a bad time.

*****.

Hey!

I arrest you for the evasion of Happiness Patrol auditions.

Where are they? What do you mean? The question is, are they ready for me?

Take her back to the Happiness Patrol headquarters and we'll continue the search for the spy.

That should do it. Ace?

Nice of the Happiness Patrol to leave us in peace. Ace?

I think enjoy this.

OK, stop there Ace now.

Good. Do you know any jokes?

I always forget jokes.

How about songs?

I know this great song about this guy and his girlfriend.

She drops the ring he gave her on a railway track,

and when she goes back to get it she's killed by a train,

so he's really miserable for the rest of his life. It's fantastic.

Happy songs, Ace. Songs about sunshine and furry animals.

I woke up one morning...

I know that song.

There are a million blues songs that start like that.

But I did wake up one morning. Suddenly something was very clear.

I couldn't go on, smiling. Smiling while my friends disappeared.

Wearing this uniform. Smiling and trying to pretend I'm someone I'm not.

Trying to pretend I'm happy.

Better to let it end.

Better just to relax and let it happen.

I woke up one morning and realized, it was all over.

Look, I'm sorry.

I think we'll abandon our rehearsal.

I'm not Happiness Patrol material anyway.

They stand for everything I hate.

Like you said, smiling all the time, smiling when it doesn't mean anything.

I'm not one of them. I can't twirl a baton; I can't dance; I can't sing.

No, but there is one thing you might be very good at.

Oh yeah?

A disappearing act.

What do I have to do?

It's simple, I ***** the sky and I close my eyes. When I open them you're gone.

Excuse me.

You wouldn't have a small automotive jack, would you?

I'm afraid not. But I can offer you the hand of friendship.

Sit down. Tell me about yourself.

I'm looking for Helen A. Perhaps you could point me in the right direction.

I can tell you where to find her.

- But when you meet you make sure you're smiling. - Smiling?

She hates miserable people. Haven't you heard about the massacre?

I've heard rumours.

She sent out her spies to find the most depressing township on the planet.

The Happiness Patrol went in and razed the place to the ground.

But why?

Policy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to distress you.

I'm not distressed, I'm angry. Why do the people let her walk all over them?

There are lots of reasons. The Happiness Patrol, the Kandy Man.

The Kandy Man! He's next on my list of people to see.

Then I'd cross him off fast if I were you. He's Helen A's henchman, does all her dirty work.

There are small pockets of resistance, though. Quiet murmurings of rebellion.

- Are you interested? - But of course.

There's a place, a secret place,

where we're planning for the day when Helen A and the Kandy Man will be called to account.

Here, my card.

- Thanks. Silas P. - Other side.

Happiness Patrol undercover. Excellent! Perhaps you could take a message...

- Are you a musician? - Sort of.

- Shall we go? - You better go.

You not can help me Silas. *****

No! Wait!

- I'm the Doctor. - Earl Sigma.

A sort of musician?

No. Realy a medical student. Fifth year post med psychology.

What does the Sigma stands for?

Stands for alien. All visitors are called Sigma.

So you're travelling through the colonies?

Yeah, I'm on vacation, paying my way with music. But I kind of got stuck here.

It's a interesting planet from a psychological standpoint.

- Yes. You better go. - No. This way. There's someone I'd like to meet.

What is this place?

I believe it's where they make sweets.

*****

They think it's easy. A thousand pounds of praline cracknel indeed!

They don't know about his moods. He's terrible when he's roused.

I tell them but they don't believe me. They're lucky they get any sweets at all.

Enough! Where are my specimens?

If they think it's so easy they should have a go at making sweets themselves.

Most of them wouldn't know popcorn from peppermints.

I said where are my specimens. It's time for an experiment.

I think they just nipped under the table.

There's no one here.

- But I saw them. - Show me.

Well I'll... I could have sworn they were under here.

I can feel one of my moods coming on.

Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlemen.

I'm sure the pleasure will be ours.

I do hope so, I like my volunteers to die with smiles on their faces.