Original subtitles

Okay, I'm ready. What time is the movie?

7 .30.

What are you doing with all those coats? Oh, I put them on the seat in front of

me so nobody blocks the screen.

Let me just put in the code.

What's the new code?

The year you were born.

Oh, right.

What year was I born?

The one in your bio.

Oh, okay, okay.

Try the one you told Roy.

Which one? I told him so many.

Why don't you, uh... Why don't you try your real one?

You think?

Okay.

I don't want to see the movie that bad.

But nobody else but, nobody else but you.

La, la, la, la, you, yeah.

Nobody else but you.

How is Aunt Prudent, then?

What, do you mean the doctors had to shave her entire body?

Oh, that's a pity.

All that lovely red hair.

Don't be silly. It's not too expensive. I'm at her house.

She's got no idea.

I can't talk.

Calling England again.

Oh, God.

I thought you were her.

Oh, remind me later. I'll give you her calling card number. Then you can phone

from home.

You're having sex again next door.

That's lovely.

Anyway, I'm glad I caught you before you left for the set. Why?

Bad news.

Mel Gibson has broken his leg. They're putting the picture on hold.

Oh, but that's not fair.

I was supposed to slap Danny Glover with a fish today.

Well, sweetie, think how the poor fish feels. His parents were visiting the

How'd he break his leg? He was having a pedicure and the chair broke.

You know, that's how Gielgud died.

And a little Korean boy was working on him at the time.

Well, now what? I cleared my whole schedule for two months just to do this

Isn't there anything else to do?

I don't think so, sweetie. It's awfully late notice.

Well, what about that British costume drama?

What British costume drama? Well, there's been some interest from Merchant

for me to play Elizabeth I.

Oh, honey, I made that up.

Hey.

Hey, but you know something? This is actually a great opportunity. You wanted

start your autobiography.

Well, now you've got the time. Why don't you just jot down some stories?

That's a fabulous idea.

I've had that first line in my mind for forever.

It was 1974, the era of sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

But I didn't go in for that sort of thing. I needed my best girlfriend,

Hi, Mommy. Oh, Angel.

Do you have Oprah's home phone number? Oh, she stopped speaking to me since I

didn't return her Tupperware.

Because I wanted to interview her for a women in business report.

Really? Women in business? Well, you should interview me.

I'm a veritable conglomerate. How is singing and dancing a business?

I'm not so sure, but it took us skiing in Switzerland last year.

But see, I have to write a paper on how a woman starts a business. That's great.

I have two months off. We'll start a business, and you can write about it.

you can't just start a business. Sure you can.

Never say never. Hey, they said I'd never win a Pulitzer Prize, and what is

over there on the mantelpiece?

That's the People's Choice Award.

Well, they said I couldn't win one of them either.

All right, darling, listen up.

Lesson number one. The most important thing you need when you start a business

is passion.

So, what's my passion?

Well, you're very passionate about recycling.

That's right. I am. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to find

something that everyone throws away and figure out how to turn it into something

that everybody wants but nobody has.

Right. So what's our product?

Well, I don't know. I can't think of everything.

Lesson number two.

When you hit a snag, always listen to your instincts.

And what's your instinct telling you? My instincts are telling me we should open

up a restaurant.

That's a great idea. Isn't it? And then we could call it the Divine Diner. I

love it. And we could serve food like, uh, uh, uh, uh, wind beneath my hot

wings. Oh, that's good.

Boogie, boogie, bugle, poi.

First wife's club sandwich.

The only other thing that we might try is fashion.

Oh, yeah. You love clothes. I love them, and I have style coming out the wazoo.

Definitely. And then instead of bothering with the little stories, you

tell them on Club Shopping Network like all the other celebrities. That's

brilliant. Brilliant.

But, Mom, what do you really know about designing clothes?

What to know?

I'm going to find an up -and -coming designer who needs a break, slap my name

a label, and, baby, we're in business.

Oh, this is going to be so cool. You'll be exactly like Joan Rivers.

Go to your room for a year.

Do you have to wear those?

What? I just had my eyes dilated. I know, but this guy is designing a new

of clothing for me. I'd like to look a little cool. Oh, please. You wear

sunglasses in the house all the time.

Yeah, but I'm famous. You look like a welder.

Oh, my God.

Divine Miss M in my studio pinched me. And look, it's her sidekick, the fly.

Those glasses, they're hot. Horrible. Where did you get them? I have to have a

pair.

Dr. Harold Phelps. Dr. Genius, but not as much of a genius as you are for

choosing me, Alex Berenger, to design your new line of clothing with such an

incredible opportunity. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome. I am so dizzy. I'm just going to go sit down in the lobby.

Connie. Connie.

Connie. Here, honey.

Oh.

Does it always have to be about you?

Now, Alex, the reason... i chose you was because i saw that fabulous dress you

made for katie holmes oh my god do you love it do you know i literally had to

spray her with pam to get her into that thing luckily i always have an extra can

in my glove compartment well that's more than i need to know anyway

and I know you have a million ideas, so just fire away.

Okay, I was thinking the look should be very today, but just a tad retro, and I

see it as being very nice, but a little naughty, you bad girl.

And above all, I think it should just be elegant with just a whisper of

tackiness. In other words, exactly like me.

Oh, my God.

Dear Mom, um, and she's smart, too.

Okay, let's take a look at you. Okay.

Oh, oh, that.

Your figure is just intoxicating. I mean, if you would just take those

out of your pocket.

I don't have any pocket.

And I don't have enough stories in the world to make up for what I just said.

Oh, there's one. I lied. Sorry.

Don't give it a second thought.

Oh, P .S. Mom, um, she's really forgiving, too.

Okay, let's look at some fabric.

Okay, this is definitely going to happen.

Right there, like, getting that knife.

And her sister.

That's good.

And her mean brother. She has to go on, too.

Okay, thoughts?

I look like the guy that sleeps on my star on Hollywood Boulevard.

Uh -oh.

What is it? Uh -oh.

What's happening?

What's going on?

The pencil! It's moving all by itself!

It's trying to tell us something.

It is? What's it trying to say? I don't know. Let's find out. It's trying to

tell us that our first offering wants to be fun.

It does?

Yes. What else does it want? It wants to be a little cosmopolitan. Yeah? And

just a little down home. Yeah.

And it's insisting on being pedal pusher length.

Huh. Boy, that's one needy little garment.

Quick, what are your favorite colors?

Well, well, I've always... I've been mad about orange.

Me too.

Really? You're not just saying that because you want to kiss my butt? Oh, I

to kiss your butt, but I'm mad about orange.

What else?

Well, I always thought chartreuse was to die for.

You know what my nickname in grade school was? What?

Chartreuse. Oh, my God.

Can you believe how scary?

We were so, like, you know, in sync.

Oh, my God, in sync. Can we talk about them for, like, an hour?

That's it.

Wow. Say, can I borrow that magic pencil for a second?

Oh. Well, it only talked to me.

I don't want it to talk.

I want it to listen.

Okay, Rose, be sure to get this down.

Not only did my mother start her business from scratch, but she soon

she knew more about fashion design than a professional designer.

Mom, didn't Alex call you a colorblind harpy?

Lesson number three.

Never collaborate with anyone who looks better in capri pants than you do.

Ta -da!

Is it done?

The truck is on its way to the club shopping studio, but I just had to steal

a peek.

Now stop torturing me. Put it on so I can gaze upon you. Okay, okay.

So you're not mad, huh?

Mad? Honey, I wish there were two of you so I could love you more.

I knew tough love was the way to go with you.

Um... I'm really not into that anymore.

Oh, my God!

I know. Thank you. Thank you.

This is horrible.

Horrible? I hope that means fantastic in the land of divine.

No, it means it's repulsive.

Well, Ben, you know, we've been working on it for weeks. Maybe you're just too

close to it. Close to it? I'm...

Everything you wanted.

But why didn't you stop me?

Dad, I hate myself. I hate myself and everything. I stand for it. I let you

down. I want to just go crawl into a gopher hole, eat some nuts, and die.

Oh, honey, calm down, calm down. It's not as bad as all that.

Maybe I'm just overreacting to the color and the bell bottoms and the zippers on

the inside.

So you love it, and you're going to sell it on TV and make me a household name?

Can't I just give you a Valium instead?

Come on, you're kidding, right? I need you to be kidding.

Okay, I'm kidding.

Thank you. I'll see you at the studio.

Oh, my God.

Really sell that on the club's shopping network?

Well, the American public was dumb enough to buy the clapper.

Maybe they'll be dumb enough to buy this, too.

Come on, let's go get ready.

Yes,

yes, here it is. She wouldn't let me see it. Well, I'm not waiting for her.

Let's look. All right.

Oh, my God.

Bob Mackie could crap a better outfit.

Bob Mackie would crap if he saw this outfit.

She's going to be here any second. What are we going to say to her?

Well, I think we should just be honest.

I'm just kidding.

What do you think?

I think it's fabulous, and I think you're a bloody genius. Honestly, is

nothing you can't do?

Connie? Oh, oh, it's almost too pretty.

I'm knocking off you, too.

I know it stinks. Oh, thank God.

When I make a mistake, I need you to be honest with me. Don't just yes me to

death. Okay.

I'm serious.

Yes, yes.

Okay. I like it.

It's like looking into an eclipse.

Yeah, you bet. Glad to have you on board. Great outfits.

They're going to sell like hotcakes.

You haven't seen them yet, have you? No.

So how are you?

Do you know my daughter weighs 340 pounds?

Huh. She has such a pretty face. I mean, she loses two 300 pounds she could

model.

You want to get started?

Oh, of course. Let me escort you onto the set.

You got any weed?

And it is go time.

Welcome to the Club Shopping Network Celebrity Fashion Corner.

I'm your host, Jasper. This is my real hair, Perkins.

Now, you all know my next guest.

We've enjoyed her records for years.

Our wives have made us see all her movies.

And now here she is in the flesh. And may I say, even up close, it is tight as

tambourine.

Thank you, Jasper.

And hi, America. Hi, Canada.

Puerto Rico.

Hola.

So bad I understand you have designed a jumpsuit. Yes, I have, Jasper, and I'm

very proud of it. It's reasonably priced, perfect for a man or woman, and

extremely flattering to any shape or size.

And here comes a pretty girl right now.

Well, that's our very own Mindy. Doesn't she look delicious?

Absolutely delicious.

But she's just a tease. So why don't we open up the phone lines right now? The

item number is 8690, and there are only 4 ,000 jumpsuits, so call in quick.

Ah.

They are probably dialing in right now.

You know something, Bette, contrary to popular belief, most of our viewing

audience actually prefer the old -fashioned rotary phones. They're a lot

but they sure are reliable.

Oh, was that a ring I just heard?

No, I just dropped a spoon. Sorry.

People are probably waiting for us to tell them what these things cost. So,

what is the damage?

$59 .95.

Yikes! What is that, the address?

Would someone just call us to see if they're working? No obligation to buy.

Ah, there's our first caller. Hello, and welcome to the Celebrity Fashion

Corner. Your name?

Pete. Hi. Hi, Pete.

You sound like a guy who wants to be fashionable, and what could be more in

fashion than... Your phones are working.

Okay, well, that is certainly a relief.

Can I go now?

And that is the kind of humor that's going to make these next six hours just

blow by.

Well, I have new respect for the American consumer.

Mom, you don't have to keep doing this. Honey, that attitude has no place in our

mother -daughter business.

Besides, I do have to keep doing it. I want my girl to be proud of me.

You think a boatload of cash into this, didn't you?

Well, let's just say Switzerland is not in the cards this year.

What I'm saying is I know people at the Weather Channel. I could make some phone

calls.

Why don't we talk about it later at the Olive Garden?

Let's go. We have merchandise to move. Right -o. Crack that whip.

And we are back on.

You know, people, I love these jumpsuits. I believe in these jumpsuits,

will do anything it takes to sell you a jumpsuit. I'll sing any song. I'll tell

any joke. I'll do any dance.

How about lowering the price?

Okay.

Who's a fan of up -close magic?

Yes, I know.

How could you ever let this happen?

Me? She saw that picture of Katie Holmes in your teen people.

Yes, well, anyway, anyway.

The next time she comes up to us with some crazy scheme, we should just stand

for ourselves.

Absolutely. And if we think it's a bad idea, she has to listen to us. Of course

she should. But we're in this together, right? I mean, I need to know. You've

got my back. Oh, I've got it.

All right.

Which one of you is getting out on that stage and modeling this for me? Oscar

will do it.

the hell are you?

I'm Oscar.

Oh,

well, fantastic.

You know what, Oscar? Our audience is always curious how to clean their

What would you suggest on this?

Kerosene and a match.

I gotta tell you, Bette, you sold more of these things than I ever thought you

would. I only sold one.

That's what I'm talking about, baby.

Has anyone ever told you you're kind of a jackass?

Oh, look, here comes our Mindy again with that foreign guy and a child.

I just want to show how versatile these jumpsuits are.

They're perfect for knocking around the yard with your family.

Going to a disco?

Cleaning the house?

And just get a load of this fantastic hand stitching.

This is real Guatemalan craftsmanship.

Oh, man, that can't be good.

Are you kidding?

This just goes to show how... how adaptable this baby is.

Uh, hello, you're on the air.

Hi, I work in a deli, and that would be... Very handy to pack a salami to go.

You're right. And not just salami. Who else has some meat they want to put in

jumpsuit?

Take it from the Queen of Hollywood, you're only as well -dressed as your

favorite pooch.

And this dapper gent in the ascot is my musical director, who hails from

England. Really?

Yeah. Say something British.

Sort of.

Is there anything sweeter than mother -daughter kerchiefs?

Excuse me, can you tell me where the ladies' room is?

Well, Bette, I can't wait to see what the hell you're going to do with that.

Well, for you Muslim women, it makes a great way to observe your religious

belief without giving up your right to fashion.

Well, it looks like all we're left with is this natty little vest.

Oh, my word.

Emerita, I want to apologize to you. I shouldn't be out here selling this when

the genius behind this delight is right over there, Mr.

Alex Berenger. Oh, no, Beth, please. I couldn't possibly be on national

television. Hi, everybody.

Don't you think this jumpsuit is unbe... Beth, what happened to my jump...

I love it!

Oh, my God!

I want to have a tawdry affair with it and never call it again.

Mom, I don't get it. Neither do I, but Switzerland, here we come.

Hey, Mom.

Guess what?

I got your report back.

Yep. What'd you get? An...

Wow. See, that just goes to show I really know what I'm talking about when

comes to business.

Yeah.

Riches to rags.

The anatomy of a failure.

Oh, well, an A's an A.

Oh, great.

Uh -huh. Right.

Yeah.

I know.

Oh, I shouldn't eat this. I'm eating Jasper at the Olive Garden.

Bye.