Original subtitles

Hold that thought.

I'll be right back.

I'm dying out there.

They are so dull.

They're not dull.

They're academics.

They're Roy's colleagues.

Just tell me where you hid my shoes so I can go home, please.

No. I'm going to tell a joke. And you'll have to leave the laughter.

They simply don't get me. But you're doing fine.

I don't know. The whole question of authorship stems from the fact that

tried to take credit for everything that Shakespeare ever wrote.

I don't know if I agree with that. Do you, Bette?

Oh, please. I remember the time Barry Manilow tried to pull the same scam on

George, George, it's clear that Marlowe never wrote any of those plays. He was a

dead fish.

Shakespeare's writing is so full of raw human emotion and political intrigue.

You know, the quest for power at any cost. It's really powerful stuff.

Roy, I haven't heard you this excited since little Kim called you Mac Daddy at

Circuit City.

Oh, oh, Bette, I've been meaning to ask you, do you know the actor Tim Curry?

Tim Curry?

Are you kidding?

Rocky Horror?

Could that guy fill out a pair of fishnets or what?

What? I'm serious.

Anyway, I ask because he's bringing Hamlet to the Amundsen Theatre here in

He's such a likeable actor. Don't you agree, Oscar?

No.

Excuse me?

Well, back when I was a cater waiter in London, we did this function at the RSC.

And everyone was there. You know, there were the Red Graves, lovely.

Theranik Guinness, lovely.

Therian, lovely.

Stayed for breakfast, actually.

But Tim Curry, I mean, you think she's a diva. Need I say more?

I don't think so.

Well, maybe we should all try to get tickets.

Oh, I don't know. Bette's not really a big fan of the Bard. Oh, that's a shame,

considering you're a zest for the classics.

Well, I'm zesty.

In fact, I've been toying with the idea of doing a little Shakespeare myself.

Since when?

Roy, don't look so surprised.

I mean, I have unplumbed layers.

Honestly. You ride around in a wheelchair or in a fishtail for a couple

decades, and nobody takes you seriously.

Who loves me even though I'm crazy?

And nothing that I say is true.

Come on, he'll be here any minute.

Hand me Ben Hydrangea.

Nope. Why not?

Because this whole thing is a bad idea. It's a good idea.

I have a child.

Someday I'll have a grandchild and I want them to look back at my work and be

proud of me. That's what you said when you did Isn't She Great?

Stop trying to manage me. I'm your manager.

Anyway, you know I've always had an affinity for Shakespeare.

Yeah, it's been a lifelong devotion since breakfast.

Are you saying I can't do the classics?

Not at all. I'm just saying they're beneath you.

Nice try.

I'm sure there's something in this play that I'm perfect for. Like what?

I don't know. Mrs. Hamlet?

There's no Mrs. Hamlet.

Is he gay?

Hello. Oh, Oscar, didn't you get my message?

What message? I can't rehearse this afternoon. Tim's coming to tea.

Tim who?

Tim Curry.

Don't get him started.

So we're catering the party and I'm passing around crab cakes and Tim Curry

takes one, looks at me and says, what? No ta -ta sauce?

As if I were the help.

You were the help.

Is that how you see me? Of course not. You're an artist.

Oh, thank you.

He's here. Go get the sandwiches.

Get the door. Get the door. It's classier. And be cold and distant. The

love that.

Hello, I'm Tim.

Meryl, sleep's available. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, hark!

Forgive me. I was just gazing at the museum. So full of art.

Charmed, charmed.

What a lovely house.

Thank you for inviting me. Oh, I'm a big fan.

And I of you.

I of you, too.

Please, come in.

Sit down.

Thank you. Oh, yes, Oscar, do.

Please, come in.

Yes, it's me.

Was that your husband?

Oh, no, my husband's at university this afternoon. He's a professor.

Tenured. Oh, he has a chair?

Oh, yes, he's fully furnished.

Well, what brings you to our side of the pond?

Well, actually, I'm doing a production of Hamlet. Really?

Shakespeare's Hamlet?

I hadn't heard.

Oh, what's that doing there?

Oh, that's right. Last night, the Harlots and I were sitting around

tragedy. Out loud.

Yes, if I have one vice, it's culture.

Hey.

Roy.

I'm sweating like a pig here. Feel my back.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Hi, I'm Roy. Hello, I'm Tim.

Oh, of course you are.

So what's going on?

We were just discussing the Bard.

You know what I always say about Shakespeare.

Yeah, change the channel.

Yeah,

well, I'll leave you two.

It was a pleasure meeting you. It was nice meeting you, too.

Hey, you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting some freaking

So, do you have any names joining you in your little theatricale?

Well, we're in the middle of the casting process right now.

I see.

See what?

Oh, Tim, I think we both know why you're here.

Because you invited me?

I should let you squirm a little bit longer.

I'm sorry. I really don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, yes, yes. I'll be in your play.

You know, I have to admit, when you first got here, I wasn't going to do it.

But you do seem to be in a bit of a piccadilly.

So you've got me hook, line, and sinker.

Have you ever done Shakespeare?

No, but I once let Harold Pinter feel me up.

I jest.

It's certainly something to consider.

Please, take your time. Think it over and get back to me.

Well?

All right, everybody, why don't we just start? Everyone to the table, please.

Yes, Connie, I still say it's a good idea.

Well, it is.

Well, it is.

Well, tough, tough, tough, I'm already here.

Oh, the slings and arrows.

Hi, I'm Bette.

Charmed, charmed.

Did I miss anything?

No, you were just about to start reading. I stopped to pick up some

Get it?

Well, that's very generous. Oh, please, no fuss.

I'm just a working actor trotting the board like all of you.

Now, if you could just sign these privacy waivers.

Welcome to the first reading of what I hope is going to be a very fruitful

experience for us all.

As you know, I shall be both playing the Dane and directing.

Pardon my hubris.

You should give up dairy.

Hey, honey, how'd it go? Are you kidding?

I finally found my true calling.

I'm running on all cylinders and Shakespeare's my fuel.

But, boy, once it starts cooking, it really moves.

Good.

I mean, I only fell asleep for ten minutes.

But I don't think anybody noticed.

Okay. That's great, Stevie. I'll see you tomorrow.

I hope you're happy.

You and your sick fantasy to see me play Shakespeare.

Why did you get me into this?

Well, get me out of this. I don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing?

Somebody, somebody help me.

pamlet that they had. This way you'll watch it, you'll get it, no problem.

You're so smart.

Kenneth Branagh?

Two tape?

It's four hours.

Next. All right. Ooh, Mel Gibson?

Ooh, who plays Gertrude in that?

Glenn Close.

Well, she's not that bright.

We had lunch once. I had to figure out the tip.

I mean, how hard is it to calculate 10 %?

Mom, really, it's a cool play once you get into it. You thought?

You are very smart.

Okay, we'll go with the male one. Okay. I hope he wears tights. He does.

Did you know I'm in his new movie?

Yes. Did I tell you how blue his eyes are in person?

Yes.

Did you ever see him in Gallipoli?

Oh, God, that was a movie. You know what else he was really good in?

Mom.

Yeah, baby girl?

We're not watching Hamlet tonight, are we?

You are so smart!

It ain't no shame when the compulsive ardor gives the chance and frost itself

actively doth burn and reason panders will.

Oh, have a spit no more.

Thou turn'st my eyes into my very soul and there I see such black and grey

as will not leave their tinct.

Yeah, that's going to have them rolling in the aisles.

Jeez, tinct. Who the hell talks like this anyway?

Let's give the man a break. He wrote it 400 years ago.

Wow, I wonder what it was like back then.

I should call your mother.

All right.

I'm the queen. I'm coming into the castle. Everyone is stunned by my

Where does it say that?

Subtext, Roy. Subtext.

Proceed. Nay, but to live in the rank sweat of an inseamid bed, stewed in

corruption, honeying and making love over the nasty stye.

Well, this is just a big Elizabethan smut.

All it needs is a pizza delivery boy and a lonely housewife.

You know, I used to deliver pizza. One time I came to the door and there was

this woman... Boys, please.

A little decorum. Just help me with my lines. How am I going to remember all

this stuff?

You know, I think it's the water.

Honey, didn't I used to be much smarter?

Gee, honey, I don't think so.

Okay, okay. Cue me again.

Making love over the nasty thigh.

Keep going. I'll be right back.

Do you see nothing there?

Nothing at all, yet all that is I see.

Honey, I forget. When the microwave popcorn says three to five minutes, do

it closer to three or five?

I'll just do four. Keep going.

Nor did you nothing here?

No, nothing but ourselves.

All right.

Who's the genius that put the empty popcorn box back in the pantry?

Keep going.

Look you. Look you there. Look how it steals away.

I'm going to Galton's. We need popcorn and milk.

All right, Gordon.

I can't tell you how much we appreciate this.

I owe you big.

Okay.

I've been in talks with the theater for three days. They are very disappointed,

but they're going to let you go.

The press people will make an announcement. It was a scheduling

No creative differences, no animosity, and we'll all just get on with our

What are you talking about? I just got you out of the play.

Are you kidding?

Why does everyone take me so seriously?

I'm having the time of my life. You are? Oh, that's fantastic. Honey, would you

excuse me for just one little...

Pretty good, huh?

Yes, you have excellent eyesight.

Why? Did it seem like I was still reading? Well, I mean, what are you

do? Stick me in the audience?

Maybe. Hey, what if I get one of those rainbow wigs for you so people will

you're one of those John 316 people?

Do you mind if I put these cards down now? This plate is very heavy.

Well, what more can I do?

Today is the dress rehearsal and my mind is just like a...

What's that word?

Civ. Exactly.

Do you think I could write the whole thing on my hands?

No. Damn my dainty structure.

Oh, Roy.

Roy, you're a teacher.

Wow, you do know me.

Honey, how do kids cheat on tests nowadays?

Well, it's pretty much standard stuff.

You know, they copy from their neighbor, they write things on their hands. Oh,

we had one kid who wrote the entire Gettysburg Address on post -it notes and

stuck it in his blue book.

Oh, my goodness, that's terrible. Kids nowadays, what's the world coming to?

Right small.

Will somebody please bring the very lovely Gertrude out here?

Sally, please.

Oh, hi, Sally.

I didn't expect to find you home.

Not working, huh?

Well, I'm opening in Hamlet tomorrow night.

Yes, that Hamlet.

I am so.

Tell her.

Yep.

See?

Well, anyway, I'm leaving you a ticket to the box office.

Oh, great.

Marvelous. Oh, that's so sweet. Okay, see you then.

She said she wouldn't miss it for the world.

Hey, I like your codpiece.

Thank you.

Who knew?

Well, I won't be needing this.

Here. I've got everything under control.

All right. The Queen's bedroom.

Clonius behind the screen.

Gertrude there.

We'll take it from Hamlet's entrance.

Now, Mother, what's the matter?

Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

Mother, you have my father much offended.

Ah,

ah, methinks.

Forsooth and privy. Oh, come, come.

You answer with an idle tongue.

Go, go. You question with a wicked tongue.

Your husband's brother's wife. And would it were not so, you are my mother.

Oh, what a rash and bloody deed is this.

A bloody deed in... What is that?

It was my worst.

The second half of Act 5, Scene 2.

nervous about the opening tomorrow, huh?

I never should have done this.

It was just my dang hubris talking.

Well, fill me in.

Tim got so mad at me today.

You want me to go punch him in the nose?

You think you could punch him?

Well, I kicked Kelly Long's ass for you. I could take him.

So sweet.

Do you really think I can do this?

Are you kidding?

You can do anything you put your mind to. All you gotta do is do what you do.

What do I do?

I don't know, but people sure love it when you do it.

Yeah, they do, don't they?

Plus their little hearts.

You're right. The guy invites himself to tea, practically begs me to do his

play, and then he acts like he's the Prince of Denmark or something.

You know what?

He wanted me, he's gonna get me.

That's the stuff.

You are so smart.

Smart enough for a little pizza delivery?

I'll be there anon.

So Oscar, call the girl.

We're doing Shakespeare.

This is the story of Hamlet, William Shakespeare's most notable play.

A magnificent, dignified work of art.

But for you kids, I guess I ought to tell it this way.

Hamlet was the prince of a spot called Denmark.

There never was such a frantic guy, either before or since.

He was a dream boy, and like a hole in the head, Denmark needed his grin.

He bumped off his uncle and he made him offend his mother and he drove his girl

to suicide and stabbed her big brother cause he didn't want nobody else but

himself should live.

Should live.

He was what you might call uncooperative.

See what I mean?

Hamlet had a lady friend named Ophelia.

Ophelia. She was a cool put -together chick that made men thrill.

But Hamlet, he thought... She was from Uglyville.

So he chopped down her father just to teach the girl a lesson. Yet he cut him

and sliced him like a pound of delicatessen. Because murder was one

sure did enjoy.

Sure did enjoy.

He was, how shall I say, quite the mischievous boy.

So it was dog eatin', dog eatin', dog in Denmark.

In Denmark.

Yes, it was dog eatin'.

You better get a muzzle if you got a great day.

Brilliant interpretation of the play is best seen in his inspired casting of the

role of Gertrude and his use of musical deconstruction of Shakespeare's plot in

the prologue.

Kudos to this panty Brit and his divine co -star.

Oh, God, but this will get my goat.

Don't get me started. Oh, enough of that. Forget it. No, I'm sorry. This man

been impossible ever since he was cast as 007.

That's not him.

Well, who is it, then?

Timothy Dalton.

Oh, God.

No, you are right. Well, that's who I was thinking of.

Oh, God, no, Tim Curry's lovely.

Thank God I never let on.

about it but dude