Original subtitles

Is that a car?

Yes, that's a car.

Hi, you guys.

I did it, I did it, I did it, I... Oh, that's so nice.

I did it, I got the perfect gift for Daddy's birthday.

Look at it. Isn't he gonna love it?

Yeah, probably. He loved it the last time he gave it to him.

I did?

Oh, yeah.

Well, kiss my Grammy.

Honey, what happened to the briefcase you were talking about? Oh, that's not

good enough for Roy's birthday. Remember that fabulous surprise party I threw

for him last year? Oh, yeah. I did all the cooking.

Oscar sent out the invitations.

You never showed.

I took him to a motel instead.

Believe me, he got his surprise.

Hi, honey.

Hi. Hi, everybody. Hello.

Hey, what are my binoculars doing down here?

Connie's using them to spy on the neighbors.

It's her version of the Internet.

Oh, that is so funny.

Hey, Roy, you'll never guess what Beth got you for your birthday.

Oh, yeah? What?

Guess. It's something you really, really want.

No, I'd rather find out tomorrow. Oh, come on, come on. Guess.

Surprise me. Roy, one guess is not going to kill you.

No, I'd just rather find out. Guess!

Fine, fine.

Um, a new briefcase. Oh, come on, Roy. I can do better than that.

That motorized tie rack? Even better. Try again.

You didn't.

I did.

I can't believe it. You better believe it.

You got me tickets to the Knicks -Lakers game tomorrow night?

That's it, that's it. Best seats in the house. Floor seats?

That's what it says on the ticket. Oh, I love you.

Nothing's too good for my guy.

Oh, I knew this marrying a celebrity thing would pay off one day.

I gotta call the guys. Okay, you do that. You go call the guys.

See? All I have to do is get the ticket.

You know, it's my birthday next week.

Really? Okay.

There you go. Thank you.

Thank you.

What have you got?

Okay, Ticketmaster has got three seats not together in the top section.

Not good enough. I told your father I had floor seats.

Well, you don't have floor seats. Well, I told him I did.

Well, you don't. Do you need a time out?

Okay, now they're gone.

Well, as long as you're on there, hop on my website and chat up my new album.

I'm running out of screen names.

What did the broker say?

Oh, there's not a ticket left in town.

Gee, this is...

thing is bigger than ever. Maybe I should do a basketball movie.

You're 5 '2". The drama.

Why don't you just get him the briefcase like he asked? Because I got him floor

seats instead.

But you didn't get him floor seats. But I told him I did, and we both know my

line between reality and fantasy is a little fuzzy.

It's true. Listen, honey, these are the world champions. This is the hottest

game of the season. What do you want me to do? Do you need a timeout? Yes.

Come back here.

What did the arena say?

I didn't call them.

Well, Jiminy Christmas, I sold out six nights there. Get Freddy on the line. He

loves us. I can't. Why not?

I just sort of can't. Oh, no.

Did you have a thing with him that week we were there?

Not the whole week.

Just the last night during the second act while you were singing Rose's Turn.

That's my best number. I cry in everything. I was back before the big

Yours or mine?

Both. Just give me the phone.

Hello, Freddie?

It's Beth.

How are you?

Connie didn't call you back?

Oh, that's because she's dead.

Anyway, it's my husband's birthday, and I need floor seats for tomorrow's game.

Fifth row, midcourt? Oh, God, those are great. Grab them. I promised him floor

seats. No.

Daddy, can't you do better for me?

Well, it was Connie's dying wish.

Well, thanks for nothing.

Dan, the man has no respect for the dead.

Ooh, I should call him back and really freak him out.

Gee, gee, maybe I'm making too much out of this whole Laker thing. Roy just

mentioned it in passing.

friends hate me.

Yeah, you're probably right. He's forgotten all about it. Boy, now what am

going to do?

Oh, boy.

Well, there's just got to be a way.

Darling, what about your agents? Oh, God, I haven't spoken to them in a week.

You know those leeches. They only call when they want something.

Hello, gentlemen. Surprise!

My muffins and I were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by.

Jeff! My favorite agent, darling. It's been too long.

I'm Marty.

Oh.

Anyway, as long as I'm here, I was wondering if you could get me tickets

Laker game tomorrow night. I understand that William Morris has floor seats for

some of its more high -profile clients.

We do.

Wonderful. Then I can have them. No.

Why not?

Because you fired us six months ago.

Really? Why?

We suggested you do a TV series.

That's right.

Say, you wouldn't happen to know who I'm with now, would you?

Endeavor. Do they have floor seats?

No.

Well, gee, what does a girl have to do to get tickets in this town?

Thelma Hayek has four seats.

I know her.

Where do I know her from?

The Latin Grammys.

What was I doing at the Latin Grammys?

next logical choice?

It was very last minute.

So call her.

Uh, can't. Why not?

You had that little contretemps in the green room.

Hey, she wears a white dress to the Latin Grammys. She's begging to get

it.

Hey, what are you guys watching?

Oh, we're watching Daddy's tapes of the Laker games. We're trying to find

somebody courtside who owes me a favor.

Ooh, ooh, Jack Nicholson. How about him? No, no. Why not? You thought Lara Flynn

Boyle was his daughter.

And I was being kind.

my last shot.

Well, I guess I'm going to have to go tell him the truth and break his Laker

-loving little heart.

Sorry I'm late.

I'll be right back. I've got to go talk to Roy.

Oh, look at Kobe. I told him that haircut makes him look taller.

Kobe who?

Kobe Bryant.

You know Kobe Bryant?

Yes. Go to the same gym.

You go to the gym?

I enjoy an occasional stoke.

You don't know Kobe Bryant. Yes, of course I do. I've been working on the

for his new basketball shoe.

On my time?

More or less, yes.

Finally, somebody who owes me a favor.

No, no, no, no, no. Please don't make me do this. I barely know the man.

You don't look hip enough.

The twins certainly aren't conjoined anymore.

Jump on the soul train.

Here, put this on. Oh, no, no, no. This is the world's greatest mum.

Oscar, Oscar, you have absolutely no street cred. You've got to be down.

I assure you, I have never been further down than this very moment.

Yeah?

Sup, bro?

Come on, introduce me.

Um, Bette, this is Andre, Kobe's bodyguard.

Gee, the man is almost seven feet tall. What does he need to be protected from?

Geese?

What's up, bro?

Oh, uh, just trying to keep it real.

And, uh, and so on and so forth.

Where's Kobe?

He's at his beach crib.

Uh, well, what's this then?

His town crib.

Oh, well, his crib go, it's exquisite. In fact, I find it fat.

You know, you probably get this all the time, but I loved you in that movie,

bitches.

took care of the sick lady with the lips.

Oh, beaches.

Yeah, that movie was like the story of Kobe and me, except we're not old white

women.

We'll call you for the sequel.

Anyway, we just stopped by because I need floor seats for tomorrow's game and

-Dog here, but Special K might do me a solid.

For you, no sweat. We'll hook up the tickets.

Just keep it on the down low. Well, that's just crazy sexy cool.

Very sorry about this. No problem, old dog.

Anything for the world's greatest mom.

Great. I'll pick some up at Will Call.

Thanks, Andre.

I really appreciate this.

You are so fat.

Well, you're fatter.

You are the fattest.

Okay, bye.

Was that my mother?

Okay, 45 minutes to game time.

Rose is in the car, so let's get this show on the road.

What?

Look at you.

You're really happy.

I gave you a really happy birthday.

Yes, you did.

That's the greatest thing you could have done for me.

That's all I need to know.

I love you so much.

Oh, I love you too.

Okay, come on. Let's get going. I want to catch the warm -ups.

You know, I know you put up with a lot.

I know you do.

And I just want you to know I really, really, really, really appreciate you

today and every day. Oh, that is so sweet. But the pretzel line gets really

really fast, so... I can't help it, honey. I'm a little fatigued.

I just... I just love you so much.

Oh, that's great. But could we love each other in the car on the way to the

game?

celebrity entrance, huh? I get you.

Oh, honey, it's fine.

You know, like my friend Bobby used to say, you just got to get in the

Yeah, well, does Bobby cram his ass into a mermaid costume and belt out Boogie

Woogie Bugle Boy for 20 ,000 screaming fans?

I don't know. He was just a work friend.

There's got to be some mistake.

I mean, if a criminal, they should belt peak this high.

People sit up here for your concert.

They do?

Wow, what devotion.

bad. Let's just relax and enjoy the game.

How can I relax? Your whole birthday is ruined.

I gotta go find Kobe.

You got these tickets from Kobe?

How do you know him?

He's part of my posse.

You don't have a posse. Sure I do.

Connie, Oscar, Dr. Schwartz, and Kobe. My posse.

I'm just gonna go down and find him and exchange these for our real people. Come

on. He's gonna be mortified when I tell him about the mix -up.

But he already took my shoes off. Come on.

Here we go.

This is why Kobe needs a bodyguard.

Excuse me. There's been a mix -up in our seats.

We were supposed to be sitting courtside. I'm sure there's a list.

My name is... I know who you are.

Of course you do.

It's awfully nice to meet a fan. My good friend Kobe Bryant has our real tickets

in the locker room, so we're just going to be back in the gym. You don't

remember me, do you?

Well, sure I do.

You're Larry.

Think harder.

never forget it, you know? My boyfriend Ernie and I... Eh, excuse me. Is my

entertaining this stadium full of people getting in the way of your

conversation?

What's your name?

Larry. Why don't we all say hi to Larry?

Hi, Larry!

Oh,

fat Larry.

I can't believe you thought that was serious. That's just part of my act. I

one lucky usher in every city.

Honey, the game's going to start.

Yeah, can we just go back to the seats that we already have?

It's your father's birthday.

I'm digging in my heels.

Okay, I'm going for a chili dog.

Larry, you in?

Don't feed him.

Look, Larry, I know they wanted to keep this a surprise, but it's my husband's

birthday and I'm singing the national anthem.

It's about time you sang a new song.

It's a little blow.

Why do you always have to make such a fuss?

Honey, you know me. This ain't even close to a fuss.

Hey, lady, we're doing the anthem.

I'm sorry, darling, but there's been a slight change in the lineup.

But we washed a thousand cars to pay for this trip. Well, I know that, dear, but

you see, I'm a much older person than you, and I don't have much time to live.

So while I go out on the floor to sing, you go back to your seat and earn your

sit -down badges.

I'll straighten this out. You boys come with me, and you don't go anywhere.

Great, Larry.

Now look, you've made my daughter cry.

Open the floodgates, Rose.

Okay, okay. You guys stay here. I'm going to go find Kobe.

I'll have this all worked out in a minute.

You got the car keys, right?

Oh, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the world -famous Laker Girl.

Mother's favorite movie star.

How does tickets work out? Well, I don't want to get you all riled up before a

game, but there's been a terrible mistake.

You know, your bodyguard promised me courtside seats, but I'm up so high my

nachos froze.

I'm sorry about that, but that's all they had.

Huh? Well, you asked for them the day before the game, and that's the best I

could do.

Anyway, nice meeting you, but I got to get to work. Please, please.

Please, Kobe, I'm begging you.

God, your head is huge.

Yours is bigger.

Anyway, I gotta get out of here. No, no, listen. I've screwed up big time. But

it's not for me. It's for my husband. Do you know what a saint this man is?

I'm starting to get an idea.

Look, look, don't make me climb up there and beg.

All right, look. If it really means that much to you, I can probably get him a

seat at the end of the bench.

Oh, Kobe, you're an angel.

Oh, let me look at it.

What's going on? I dislocated my pinky.

On second thought, you know what? Those seats are fine.

Get around.

You can't do this to me. He's part of my posse.

And the Knicks are just destroying the Lakers 126 to 75.

No word yet on how long Kobe Bryant will be out with that dislocated pinky.

But the Lakers can sure use him tonight.

This is nothing.

She once electrocuted Barbara Walters during an interview.

What about the time she ran over Andy Griffith with a shopping cart?

Well, we play Portland next week.

Maybe she'd like to meet them.

Consider it done.

90 feet thick.

Kid, it's like my friend says.

You just gotta get in the building.