Original subtitles

Johnson, I need to speak to you. Sure thing, Governor. What's up? There's been

tragedy in the Gatling family.

What? Bertha and great -uncle Granville have passed away.

I'm sorry.

Yes, it's very sad. They were together almost 30 years.

Well, how did it happen?

Well, uncle Granville wasn't wearing his glasses and he rode her into the

quicksand.

into the quicksand?

His wife, Bertha?

No, Bertha was his horse.

Oh, Uncle Granville loved Bertha so much that the family felt that it would be

suitable if we have a double funeral.

Anyway, I'll need your help.

Well, but I can't be one of the pallbearers. I gotta pay it back.

Well, that wouldn't be necessary anyway.

They're already buried.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How silly of me, the quicksand.

But I'll need you to be acting governor while I'm at the services.

Well, there's no problem there.

Is there anything special I need to know? No, not really. It should be slow

tomorrow. There'll just be the Pacific Islands trade conference.

Governor? Lieutenant Governor?

Hmm?

Sir? I'll need your signature on this highway repair appropriation. Let Benson

do it. He'll be acting governor till Monday.

Again?

Well, I fervently hope this won't jeopardize my trade conference.

Oh, Governor, I've just heard about Uncle Granville and Bertha.

How are you holding up?

I'm really okay, Miss Grouse. Thank you. What's going on?

There's been a tragedy in the Gatling family.

Oh?

Yes, great -uncle Granville Gatling and his horse Bertha Gatling

slipped away during the night. The governor is going to their services.

They're holding services for a man and his horse?

Yes, the immediate family and a small herd of close friends.

I'm sorry to bother you with this now, but did you want Benson to make the

speech at the trade conference?

Speech? You didn't tell me about a speech.

Well, it's already written, Benson.

Sir, in light of the fact that I made all the arrangements for the trade

conference, I think it's only appropriate that I make the speech.

Forget it. I promised all of the foreign dignitaries a big shot. Benson is as

low as we go.

Thank you so much, Kraus. Have fun being governor, Benson.

Well, if you want me to have fun, take these two with you.

All right, first session of my trade conference tomorrow morning, 10 o 'clock

sharp. Try not to be late.

Clayton, that's no way to talk to the governor.

Was there something else, Kraus?

What do you think I should wear to the reception?

Kraus, I'm very busy. I don't have time to insult you.

Understand, now that you're a big shot, you don't have time for the little

people.

Okay, wear something with a hood.

Thank you. I needed that.

Well, Vincent, Miss Krause. It looks as if my little trade conference is going

to be a resounding success.

Clayton, I cannot believe that you are trying to hog all the credit. You didn't

do a stitch of work.

I beg your pardon. I had to delegate hundreds of details to dozens of staff

members. What do you call that?

A sweet deal.

It's some work, too, you know. A hogwash.

If this conference is a success, I should get the credit. I worked my head

And a wart grew in its place.

Can we get started with this conference? By all means.

Yeah, by all means.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen. The conference is about to begin. Please

your seats. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce your host, my

friend, and soon to be your good friend, direct from the governor's office...

very much, ladies and gentlemen.

On behalf of the governor and myself, I'd like to welcome you and say how

we are to host this fifth annual Pacific Islands Trade Conference.

It is our hope this year to make it... Excuse me. I'm sorry I'm late.

Yes, well, here's this seat right in front. Oh, thank you very much. Now,

was I? You swine!

Isn't that a little harsh? I simply lost my place.

Eunice, what are you doing here? Me?

What are you doing here?

Well, we're all here for the Pacific Islands Trade Conference, are we not?

I was promised that this miserable excuse for a prime minister would remain

her sewer of an island. And I was assured that his loathsome carcass would

nowhere near this conference.

Well, now that the introductions are over, I'll go on with my opening

You don't seem to understand. I refuse to participate in this conference with

this sea cow.

You insignificant son of a sand flea! You have publicly insulted me for the

time! Mr. Dubois.

I hold you personally responsible for placing me in this humiliating position.

Good day, sir.

Acting Governor Dubois, your government has shown a patent disregard for the

feelings of the people of St. Matthews. I declare you and your associates

persona non grata on my island.

Which of you would like to take responsibility for this?

I want to see the two of you in my office immediately following this

As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, before I was so rudely interrupted.

The blame rests entirely with Miss Krause. It does not. It was all

fault. You're the one who screwed up the invitations. It was not my fault. It

most certainly was. It was not. It was too. It was not. Was too. Not. Too.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Now, who sent out the invitations?

Well, we divided it up. I was responsible for the island east of the

international date line, and Miss Krause handled those west of it. Didn't anyone

bother to check the guest list to see that there would be no conflict?

I checked it, I was aware that the relations between St. Lucas and St.

were volatile.

See? I told you it was all his fault. But I distinctly remember telling you to

delete St. Matthew from the list because I was invited to St. Lucas.

Oh, you didn't say any such thing.

I sent you a memo.

Well, everybody throws your memos away.

No, they don't.

Yes, we do.

Then it is settled. Clayton takes a wrap.

Fine. We'll shoot him at dawn.

Now, what we have to do is straighten out this mess and get back to the

conference. Yeah, yeah, Benson's right.

Now, I intend to apologize personally to President Voorhees for any

insensitivity on our part.

He should be here shortly.

Oh, no, no, no, he can't. Why not? Well, because I invited Smythe Duncan to come

to accept your apology personally.

What time will she be here?

Uh... Any minute now.

I hope that doesn't interrupt the press conference.

Press conference?

Yeah. As a matter of fact, they should be here right about now.

What is the matter with these people?

I'll handle this.

No, no, let me handle it. I'm an expert in diplomacy.

But Krauss is an expert in wrestling.

Right, uncle, uncle, uncle.

Madam Prime Minister, in the interests of international goodwill, might I ask

you to refrain from rabbit -punching the president in the kidneys?

Please, try not to conduct yourself as common street thugs.

You're absolutely right, Mr. Lieutenant Governor.

My apologies.

As Prime Minister of the Island of St.

Matthews, I formally declare war on the Republic of St. Lucas. That's not what I

meant. As President of the Republic of St. Lucas, I accept.

And I declare war right back.

Copycat! No, I'm not. Yes, you are. You're a baby. No, I'm not a baby. Are

going to cry? I'm not going to cry. Well,

Benson, you've been governor for six hours.

And you have managed to start a war.

How does it feel to be such an incompetent?

Like I walked a mile in your shoes?

Morning, Mrs. Cassidy. Morning, boss.

You made the paper. I did? Where?

Right there.

Right below that story about the plight of the Barn Owls.

You know, I never really thought about the Barn Owls before I read that little

article. I mean, when you think about it, there really is no Ralph Nader for

Barn Owl.

This isn't as bad as I thought.

They say that the so -called war between San Lucas and St. Matthew is a hiccup

in an otherwise successful trade conference.

Oh, good. And you know, there never was really a telethon for the Barnauls.

But I imagine they've roasted a few.

And they go on to say that Dubois handles it all with dignity.

That's nice, eh?

Oh, sure. Everything is great for you. But what about the Barnaul?

Nobody cares about him, just because he's not in politics.

Now there's a bird on the skins.

Benson, allow me to present Mr. Adams from the State Department.

Mr. Adams.

Governor Dubois.

Acting governor, actually.

Have a seat.

Now, what can I do for you folks from Washington?

Well, we'd like for you to get things back to normal.

What do you mean?

Before your conference.

To yesterday, when St. Lucas and St. Matthew were not at war.

Ah, if I might, Mr. Adams, I think it's hardly fair to blame the lieutenant

governor for this little duck -duck.

It may interest you to know, Mr. Endicott, that this little duck -duck

a shooting war.

What exactly can we do to rectify Benson's horrible miscalculation?

Oh, Mr. Adams, these people don't want to shoot, they want to shout.

I think you boys in state are way off base on this one.

The island of St.

Lucas has strategic military importance to the United States.

Why?

That's classified.

But I'm the governor.

Acting governor.

How bad can it be?

World wars have been started over left.

But of course, that is the worst possible scenario.

Sounds like the last possible scenario to me.

Then I suggest you get St. Lucas and St. Matthew to declare peace.

Oh, Mr. Adams, I've never even heard of these two little cockamamie islands.

How could they affect our security?

Let me tell you a little story.

There once was a man who was building an ark. Please, sir, I've heard the story.

And to make his ark go, he needed a very special rock.

And this kind of rock could only be found in a little island kingdom in the

middle of the sea.

Are you saying that San Lucas has a mineral that's important to our national

defense? Uh -uh, you didn't hear me say that. I only told you the story of the

man in the ark.

If all that is understood, but even if they should go to war, we can still

with San Lucas, can't we? The Pentagon is fearful that nations unfriendly to us

will align themselves with St. Matthew.

And try to cut off our supply of rocks?

Off the record, maybe.

Well, if the State Department is so...

Interested in this, why don't they handle it themselves?

Frankly, Mr. Dubois, we want to keep our options open.

Call us if you have news.

Gentlemen. Mr. Adams.

Mr. Adams.

Good day.

What does he mean, keep our options open?

Well, in purely diplomatic terms, it means that if this should turn into

War III, they want to be sure your hiney is in the ringer.

I'm sorry, Emily. I got held up at the Capitol. Are they here?

Yeah. Okay, let's get to it.

We were able to convince them to come to the mansion, but they refused to be in

the same room.

Well, isn't that going to make negotiations difficult?

I think I have a plan.

Oh, this should be rich.

Keep them in their rooms until they are hungry.

And then when they come out for food, suddenly we pounce.

Ross, we're not trying to trap wolverines.

I suggest that we go to both of them and tell them that the other is ready

and willing to negotiate.

That would be a lie.

That is a time -honored diplomatic technique.

Despite your devious intent, there is a kernel of an idea there.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

That's as close as you're ever going to get.

Which one of them is in my office? Prime Minister Smythe Duncan.

Let's get to it.

Good afternoon, Madam Prime Minister.

Mr. Dubois. I have come to you first today because you have a reputation as

honest and intelligent leader.

Thank you, sir. You're quite welcome.

And based upon that reputation, I know that you personally would be terribly

disappointed if we did not attempt to at least sit down with President Voorhees

and seek a reasonable conclusion to this grave crisis.

My Duncan is always prepared to negotiate.

Excellent. With your kind permission, I shall convey that message to the

president. Ta -ta.

That was good, Benson. I'm very impressed.

I've seen worse.

You've done worse.

What's it on, Mr. President?

Lieutenant Governor, I have just spoken with Prime Minister Smythe Duncan, and

she has indicated her willingness to negotiate. May we assume that a wise

such as yourself is also willing to negotiate?

Anything she can do, I can do better.

Excellent. If you will follow me, then we can join her in my office.

If she's so willing to negotiate, let her come to me.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

I'll be right back.

Not so easy, eh, Benson?

Shut up, Clayton.

You should have quit while you were ahead.

I should have quit the day I laid eyes on you.

What? The scum said. The scum said. I mean... He said he admires the courage

you've displayed in offering to negotiate, and he would deem it an honor

would meet him in the living room.

Tell him to stick his honor in a coconut and sail it out to sea.

If he wants to talk, he can come here.

Very picturesque.

What if I get him to meet you halfway, somewhere in the middle of the reception

room? I would agree to that.

Okay. I shall convey that to him.

I'll be right back. Ta -ta.

Boy, it's tough being a diplomat.

Takes a wide range of skills and a good pair of running shoes.

She's agreed to meet you halfway and talk.

That seems acceptable.

Good. However, we must discuss the size and shape of the table.

I want round.

I want square.

He wants a triangle.

She wants a rhomboid.

What we really need is a playpen. Try again.

Now, before we begin, let me say how pleased I am that we were able to reach

agreement on the shape and size of the table in such a short time.

My table wobbles.

Well, find the short leg and stick your tongue under it.

I should like to propose a toast.

Shut up, Clayton. On the other hand, we have a lot to do.

I would like to say that it's always an honor to attend any conference where a

Smythe Duncan begs for forgiveness.

I won't lower myself to respond to that egg -sucking cretin.

Hold it, folks. We're getting off on the wrong course. You don't seem to

understand. The dislike our countries have for one another has been going on

generations.

Well, perhaps we could get somewhere here if you would think of each other as

people and not as countries you automatically hate. Oh, I tried that

young and naive, and all I got for my troubles was a broken heart.

You can never trust a solution.

I knew our differences couldn't be solved with polite talk. The only

the field of battle. What kind of a solution is that? War is a bloody,

stupid solution.

Maybe they could compete in the Olympics.

Not now, Kraus. Well, I know... Not now, but in four years.

All right, let's cut through it. How much will it take to make you two drop

this war talk?

What are you doing?

It's a standard diplomatic procedure. Whenever you can't get countries to

cooperate, you bribe them.

Mr. Dubois, we will never settle our differences with Santa Lucas for the

reason that I could never trust President Voorhees.

I can't be trusted. Have you forgotten June 5th, 1964?

I'll never forget it. It's a day that will live in infamy.

June 5th, 1964.

I wonder what I was doing then.

Probably annoying someone.

I know what I was doing.

I was being stood up at the church.

She can't even remember it correctly. I was being stood up at the church.

If you didn't want to marry me, you should have had the courage to tell me.

my face!

I waited at the church for four and a half hours.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think we're onto something here, Krauss.

that map of the area?

It's right here on the back of the brochure. Mm -hmm.

President Voorhees, what day is it on St. Lucas?

Thursday. Madam Prime Minister, what day is it on St. Matthew?

Wednesday.

I don't get it. Don't you remember?

The international date line separates the two islands.

I went to church a day early.

I came to the church a day late. But you both got to the church on time.

Frederick, were you really there?

Ready to give my heart to you, Eunice.

Already? Oh, Eunice.

After war.

And started a marriage.

Yeah, I better quit while I'm even.