Original subtitles

Benson, let's see if I understand your version of this lemon law.

Good luck.

Clayton, please.

You would give the buyer of a new automobile 90 days to discover any major

defects. Right. Why should it take 90 days to discover a defect?

Because unlike some people I know, cars don't reveal their defects simply by

opening their mouths.

Look, if you don't want my input, just say so. Thank you so much. I don't want

your input.

Wait a minute.

I want everybody to have his say on this lemon law.

Clayton, let's hear your point of view.

There's a well thought out argument.

I can't take any more of this. You two work this thing out.

And I want to have a coherent bill here on my desk tomorrow morning.

You shall have it, sir.

No problem.

We'll work through lunch. No, you'll work through lunch.

I have a luncheon date.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. You see what I have to put up with?

Perhaps you and I could go over this during lunchtime. I have a luncheon

too, Clayton.

Well, it's not really a date. I'm meeting Katie at school for lunch, and

going to have a meeting with her guidance counselor.

Uh -uh.

Having trouble at school?

None of your beeswax.

I'll just work on this by myself in my office.

Alone.

Order lunch.

I'm sorry about that, sir, but... Clayton could put the gray back in

hair.

Me, I know.

Anyway, we'll get you a good draft on this Lemon Law bill. I know you got a

on your mind with the problem with Katie and all. Oh, it's not really a problem,

but I tell you the truth, I wish I were half as bright as Katie is.

Don't worry, sir, you are.

Ros, have you seen Linda?

Linda? Linda Wilson.

Oh, isn't she that pretty lady travel agent you've been dating for the last

months? Right. Have you seen her? Of course I have seen her. Otherwise, how

could I have described her?

Have you seen her today? I'm having lunch with her.

Oh, there's big news.

Perhaps we should notify Associated Press.

Have you seen her or not?

I don't like being teased, do you, Benson?

So it's a little different when the shoe is on the other foot.

In your case, it would be the other hook.

Just for that, I'm not going to tell you where she is.

Oh, hi, honey.

There you are.

See, I don't need your help.

Where have you been? I was fixing my hair. I wanted to look beautiful for

Oh, well, that's okay.

Because I have some bad news.

Rita! Wait a minute, wait a minute. You weren't going to tell him till I was out

of here.

You told her before you told me? What is this bad news? Hey, I'm still in the

room. Other than that.

I have to break our lunch date.

What, again? That's the second time this week.

My best friend from college, Jill Griffith, is landing in 20 minutes, and

haven't seen her in five years.

You understand, don't you? Oh, sure, I understand. Yeah, you want to see your

friend. That makes sense.

I'll see you tonight. Well, I don't really want to leave Jill to fend for

herself her first night in town and everything.

I tell you what, why don't we get her a date?

Ah, great idea. Who can you get?

Me? Why don't you get her a date? I don't know anyone who could make it on

short notice.

Well, I suppose I could call the prison and see who they let out.

Come on, Jill's my best friend, and a favor for her is a favor for me, and a

favor for me could prove to be a favor for you.

Well, I don't...

I just want you to know I'm just doing this for the favors.

Oh, that's enough.

Hi, Linda. Hi, Governor.

I'll see you when I get home from school. Okay. Oh, hey, Governor.

Are you free tonight?

Yeah, I think so. Why?

Uh, want to go to movies?

Hey, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, we could double date.

Oh, gee, I don't know who I'd call.

Well, Linda's friend Jill needs an escort.

Oh, blind date, huh?

Well... Listen, I just remembered I've got something I have to do.

What? A government business, you know.

Top secret. Bull feathers.

You just don't want to go on a blind date.

What does she look like?

What does she look like, sweetheart?

She's bright, sweet, has a great personality.

Forget it.

Good luck, Gunson.

Why did you let him off the hook? I didn't let him off the hook. Bright,

great personality. Everybody knows that means ugly.

Benson, she's not ugly. She's a former Miss Iowa.

Whoops, I gotta get to the airport. If you happen to find a date for Jill, give

a call.

Otherwise, I'll see you when I see you.

Find a blind date this late in the afternoon.

You're not supposed to find a fool like that.

Benson?

Well, since you're not rushing off on a date, I wonder if you'd deign to help me

with this proposal of yours.

Sure.

Clayton, how would you like to go on a date with a former Miss Iowa?

In exchange for what?

No exchange.

Linda's friend Jill is in town. She needs an escort.

You want me to go on a blind date with a former Miss Iowa?

What year?

Gee, I don't know.

Uh -huh.

That's okay. Forget it. I'll get somebody else. No, I'll do it. No, I

you to do it. No, no, I'm going to do it. I don't want you to. No, no, I am

willing to take the chance.

Okay. I just want it clearly understood that I'm only doing this as a courtesy

to you.

Oh, thank you so much. No, no, don't mention it.

I certainly won't. You owe me.

We'll work in my office.

Why did you even ask him for?

I'm losing it. That's what it is. I'm losing it. Nah.

One night I would claim, how bad could it be?

I really wish you hadn't fixed me up with this guy. I didn't fix you up.

fixed you up.

The only reason I fixed her up was because you forced me to fix her up.

I didn't force you to fix her up with him.

Well, he hasn't arrived yet, so maybe there's no problem.

Why don't you try giving him a call?

Forget it.

I don't mind being a third wheel.

Benson!

I can't go out there.

Why not?

Look at her.

She's gorgeous.

What's the problem? Opposites attract.

Come on.

What if she rejects me?

Then she'll be showing an amazing amount of taste.

Benson, I am serious.

She can't reject you. You're pointing them to crack the third.

You're absolutely right.

What's not to like about an Endicott?

I'm glad he didn't wait around for the answer.

Hello there, I'm Clayton Endicott III.

You must be Jill.

Yes, I am.

It's obvious that Iowa has a lot more to offer than corn.

I wish we could say the same thing about you.

Is he going to be that way all evening?

No, a little later. he'd become truly obnoxious.

So, what film are we seeing this evening?

Quiet Screams. It's the biggest thriller of the year. They say you can't guess

the ending.

Oh, an American film.

Here we go.

I don't know. I just find American films so... so... Commercial.

Exactly.

Hollywood has produced some great films. Right, Benson? I just go to the movies

for fun.

I'll tell you whose films are marvelous.

Wolfgang Bedenschleppen.

Who? You are into Bedenschleppen?

He is a genius. Benson, Benson, have you ever seen My Uncle from Bucharest?

Is that the film about the janitor who lives in a cellar and falls in

love with a rat?

went to see it? Well, no, no. It was on cable.

A masterpiece. I mean, didn't you just want to reach out and take that janitor

into your arms?

Better him than his girlfriend.

Benson is impossible.

I mean, it's better than this piece of tripe, 112 dull minutes to get to some

trick ending.

Well, the critics seem to be impressed by the trick ending. Oh, give me a

Everybody knows who the killer is.

Well, I don't know who the killer is.

Well, just use your eyes. Look at the poster.

You don't have to be a rocket scientist.

Anybody can tell that the nun and the cab driver are the same guy.

He is the one who's been killing off all the street mimes.

Why do you think it's called Quiet Screams?

We better get out of here.

A mob is forming. Come on. No, no, this is the killer. I'm telling you, don't

waste your money.

Cab driver's the killer.

Well, look at it this way. You don't know the beginning and the middle. Two

of three ain't bad.

Katie, I've been thinking about that meeting that we had with your guidance

counselor. You know, Dad, I really want to be in that accelerated studies

program. Honey, I know you do, and I think you're bright enough and you're

mature enough to be able to handle it, so you have my permission.

Oh, great.

And I'm sure that you'll do very well.

I just hope those nerds know how to party.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, my friend. Thank you for changing my life.

tell me, how can I thank you enough?

Go away, go away.

Oh, Catherine, Catherine, Catherine, the world is a beautiful place. The sun

shines, birds sing, flowers bloom.

Nuts hatch.

I take it the blind date went all right. Oh, sir.

She is a goddess.

You didn't tell me she was a goddess.

I don't want to talk about yesterday. Yesterday was the last day of the other

part of my life. I'm moving on.

And before anyone moves on, I have an announcement to make.

Next week, Jill is leaving for Greece.

Who's Jill?

Who's the goddess?

All I was told was that she had a great personality.

When Jill leaves, I am going with her.

Clayton, you can't...

run off on vacation because some girl catches your fancy.

Sir, she caught more than my fancy.

No, no, I am giving you six days' notice.

I resign.

I'm out of here. I am history.

I'm tickled pink.

I know you can't tell.

Hang on to it for me, will you, babes? Oh, come on, sweetheart. Let's go next

door to the steakhouse and have dinner.

I told Jill I'd meet her here.

Well, we'll sit by the window. When we see her, she can join us. I don't want

shop. What do you think of this?

Fabulous. Buy it and let's get out of here. I have to try it on first. Here,

hold this.

60 bucks for what? It's an undershirt.

I can wear this.

Nothing. Cross, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? What are you

doing here? It's a woman's dress shop. So, I repeat, what are you doing here?

Hi, Gretchen.

Oh, Linda.

Thank goodness you are here.

Otherwise... I don't even want to think about otherwise.

What are you talking about? I don't know. I don't think anyone's ever known.

you ready?

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to change cabs. Three... time. Clayton again?

Yes. What's with him? I wish I knew.

Can we discuss this lover spat over a steak?

Your buddy has made my life a living hell.

Yeah, well, that's one of his skills.

I've never met a more obnoxious man in my life.

That's Clayton, all right.

A fight already? I thought you two were practically naming the babies.

Baby?

With him?

I would rather die a lonely woman in a house full of cats.

Have you thought of calling the police?

The police?

Jill, he followed you into a supermarket, started reciting Rod

bullhorn. Now that's harassment.

Can we go have dinner?

I am not hungry.

I am starving.

If you ask me, you got her into this mess, you should get her out of it.

She has a point.

No, she doesn't. Well, after all... Clayton is your friend. He's not my

I never liked him.

Well, do me a favor. Just tell him to back off.

Why does it have to be me?

You're the one who let him on talking about bed and sleeping, washing your

clothes. That's not true.

He snuck up on me in the laundromat and threw his shorts into my spin cycle.

Benson, you got the girl in trouble.

Do the right thing.

Okay, here's what I can do. I can talk to Clayton and tell him to back off.

that's all I can do, Jill.

Thanks, honey. I appreciate that. Now, can I buy you dinner?

What about Jill and Gretchen? I don't want to buy them dinner.

That sounds like fun.

Especially not Krause.

Let's go.

Aren't you coming? No, come here. Let me tell you something. The night out with

the girls is not what I had in mind. You know what I mean? Well, this can give

you the chance to have that chat with your buddy.

See you later.

What I hate is they keep calling him my buddy. He ain't my buddy.

What are you looking at?

You want to have dinner?

You want to have dinner?

You want to have dinner?

Well, you certainly took your time.

so important it couldn't wait until tomorrow i saw jill jill yeah i ran into

at the mall at the mall she was at the mall she gave me the slip

it's a little game we play clayton

i know what's been going on what are you talking about you're bothering this

woman day

What's your point?

You're harassing her.

You call it harassment?

I call it affection.

Yeah? Well, she's gonna call the police.

Police?

Why?

It's not like I'm some sort of weirdo. I'm just trying to win her over.

How? By throwing your skivvies into her spin cycle?

I thought it was sort of cute.

She thinks it's sick.

Tell you, the woman despises you.

Sure, now.

Well, after I get her alone in Greece... Clayton, you gotta leave the woman

alone. You gotta stop harassing her. It's over, finished, kaput, done.

What are you trying to say?

Clayton.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Then you'll leave her alone?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, I will leave her.

Once I was loved. Come on, Clayton.

Even she dumped me.

Didn't even send me a letter.

Sent me a postcard.

A dear John postcard?

What is wrong with women?

Have you ever considered that it might be you?

No, no, I find that hard to believe.

Well, I think you better give it some thought, man.

Why are you so busy trying to impress people if no one ever gets to know the

real you?

If they knew the real me, they'd hate him, too.

Then you've got nothing to lose.

Take a chance. Open yourself up. Try to be more sensitive to others.

Because I'm ugly, isn't it?

I don't think looks have anything to do with it.

Then you do think I'm ugly. Doesn't matter what I think.

Relax. Once in a while, maybe people would get to see your good points.

What good points?

Vance, uh, please help me.

Well, uh, you're, uh, you're witty.

Witty? Mm -hmm. And, uh, intelligent.

Witty and intelligent?

Babe, it's hard enough saying these things. Don't repeat them back to me.

What else?

And, uh, you're punctual.

And?

Well, I tell you what, once you act those three out, and then maybe, you

for a couple of days, then maybe along the way we'll discover if you've got

more, you know?

has ever sat down with me and had a serious talk.

I really appreciate it. Mm -hmm. Well, you know, I hope it was of some

help. Oh, it was. Thank you. Thank you. It was all right. Yes, yes. You're

welcome. Benson.

Hmm?

Would you mind if... Never mind.

What? What is it?

Can I hug you? Oh, come on, man!