Original subtitles

So what do you think?

I think the article is an excellent presentation of your stand on women's

rights. Good. Because we're all said and done, I want the women of this state to

be able to stand up proudly and say that I was one politician who didn't prefer

one sex over the other.

You sure that's what you want them to say?

You know what I mean.

Right, right, right. I feel every thinking person should be in favor of

rights for both men and women.

Excuse me, Governor.

And everyone in between.

He's in here!

Hey, Benson, some guy is wandering around the halls looking for you.

Some guy's wandering around the halls looking for me? Yeah. He's kind of cute.

For a lawyer.

A lawyer. This can't be good news.

Ah, good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning.

This is Governor Gadling. Good morning. Hi.

I'm Arthur Crank. Are you Benson Dubois?

Maybe.

I represent Playbird Magazine.

Oh.

Well, you mean the one with... Yes, the amusements for the modern male.

Sit down, Mr. Crank. Thank you, Governor.

Let me start at the beginning. Mr. Dubois, I am the executor for the estate

the late Hugh Howard.

And? And you have been named in his will.

Oh, yeah? I've been named in the will? I don't even know the guy. Why would he

name me in his will?

Do you remember traveling between Kansas City and Chicago in a green and white

Packard in the fall of 1953?

Well, man, I don't even remember 1953.

Well, apparently, you stopped to help a penniless ragged bum lying on the side

of the road with a broken leg. Do you remember that?

Yeah, that sounds familiar.

Are you trying to tell me that that bum was Hugh Howard?

Not at all.

But it was Mr. Howard's limousine, which... Moments before, had run over

bum, breaking his leg.

Mr. Howard became aware of your good deeds during the lawsuit that followed.

wanted to reward your good deeds in his will.

You're kidding.

Why do you leave me?

His magazine.

Now, I'll just need your signature here, accepting the inheritance.

A whole magazine.

What a generous guy.

Just relax, Benson. This is the first issue.

This could be a collector's item. It is.

Mr. Howard wanted you to have it as a symbol.

A symbol of what? A symbol of the magazine.

Well, this is the magazine, isn't it?

We don't seem to be communicating here.

I must admit, I got a little lost.

Yeah, well, why don't you go over it slowly, Mr. Crank?

Mr. Dubois, you have inherited Playbird magazine.

Say what?

You don't mean this particular edition. You mean the magazine.

Now we're communicating.

I'm still lost.

It's very simple, really. Mr.

Dubois has inherited the publishing company and the nightclub, the Playbird

Nest.

You lucky dog!

It's a joke, right? No, no. No joke.

Who put you up to this? Nobody.

From now on, as far as playbird enterprises is concerned, you, Mr.

the big bird.

Look at this place.

Are you sure I own it?

I checked with the attorneys, the county clerk, Judge Graythorne. They all agree

the will is legitimate and uncontestable.

This abundant inheritance is yours,

lock,

dock, and barrel. I can take care of my own inventory if you

please.

Welcome to the Playbird Nest.

I'm your hostess, Darlene.

Will you two roosters be dining alone?

Oh, let's just say that we'll be starting out alone.

Just the two of us, thank you. Right this way.

Darlene, would you ask the manager if we might have a word with him? Sure.

Just inform him that Mr. Dubois has arrived.

Who's he?

This is the new Big Bird.

Along with his faithful sidekick, Daffy Duck.

Just look at this place. All of man's fantasies.

Benson Dubois?

Yes. Oh, are you the manager?

No, I'm meeting Marlon Perkins for drinks.

I'm Jessie Shaw. You wanted to see me? Yes, have a seat.

I don't know if you were aware of the situation.

No, I'm aware of the situation.

You're Benson Dubois, the snake who cheated me out of my inheritance.

Your inheritance, were you related to Hugh Howard?

Well, you could say that.

For 13 years, I kept that man and his business on an even keel.

By rights, all of this should be mine.

Look, Mrs. Shaw.

Ms. Shaw.

Ms. Shaw.

I didn't ask to inherit this bird sanctuary.

And I didn't ask to get the muddy end of the stick.

Yeah, but you did get the muddy end of the stick. And Mr. Dubois did get the

inheritance.

Guacamole?

Thank you.

Oh, no.

We'll be needing some chips with that.

Well, I guess this means Benson will be spending more time surrounded by

beautiful women.

Oh, it's all cosmetic.

Even I would look good in one of those playbird outfits.

Why do you ask Benson to hire you?

Oh, I would never do such a thing.

The clay bird nest is just another example of male exploitation of women.

Right. On the other hand, teething Benson is always good for a laugh.

Yeah, at your expense.

Morning. Morning.

Take my advice. Don't do it. See you later.

Bye.

Benson.

I would like you to take a look at me in a new light.

Fine. How about the high beams of a speeding fuel truck?

The kid had this one pegged.

Hudson, you and I gotta talk. You seen the paper?

No. What's that?

This editorial.

Gatling administration lays an egg on commitment.

What's that all about?

They question my commitment to women's rights.

Why? Because a member of my administration owns the Playbird Empire.

Well, it's not really an empire. It's just a restaurant, a fading magazine,

a mansion with a couple of hungry girls.

Whatever it is, I'm getting a lot of heat from it.

Those letters and phone calls are pouring in. They're ten to one against

Benson's Pleasure Palace. I tried to defend you, but the public is demanding

that something be done.

Benson. That's it. You gotta sell this place.

Governor, I can't sell the place. It's gotten mortgages up to kazoo, and if I

sell it, I'll be $58 ,000 in debt.

Yeah, well, you gotta think of something.

What do you want me to do? I don't know.

Figure something out. You're the big bird.

If you don't, your goose is cooked.

I'm serious, Benson.

I'm not gonna sacrifice my program for anything. Not even friendship.

You never won a case?

You seen the morning paper?

It's getting worse.

There has to be an answer.

I considered shutting the whole Playbird operation down, but that would cost 311

people their jobs, and that wouldn't be fair to them. Why don't you just give it

away? Terms of the will say I can't give it away unless I die.

That could take months.

Excuse me, Governor.

Benson, you've got company.

Oh, Mrs. Shaw.

Nice to see you. Governor Gatling, Jesse Shaw.

I know.

I voted for him. Oh, how sweet.

Mrs. Shaw is the lady from the playboy nest.

How do you do?

Well, I'm surprised to see you here. What brings you here?

Well, I wanted to apologize for last week.

I usually don't lose my temper like that. Oh, of course not.

I must admit, I have had warmer welcomes.

You see, Huey always promised that everything would be left to me.

Oh, he was such a dear man.

Well, you see, we kind of had an arrangement, a business and personal.

Oh, well, I can see that this must be a very difficult time for you. Oh, and it

isn't going to be easy for you either.

Been reading the papers, huh?

No.

Filing them.

It was a pleasure meeting you, Governor. Oh, this is for you.

What did she give you?

A subpoena.

Apparently she's contesting the will.

Jessie? I don't believe that.

See for yourself.

Oh. Well, I guess this just isn't your day, but...

Well, maybe it is my day. If I can lose the inheritance in court, then in

essence I never owned it and we don't have a problem.

Well, you got one problem. You said the will was uncontestable. So how can you

lose? Get myself a lawyer who's never won a case.

Where could you find somebody like that?

Oh, Governor!

How's it going?

Oh, so far so good.

Nothing started yet. Good luck. Hope you win.

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait.

Don't wish me luck.

I'm going to lose, remember?

Oh, right, right.

I'm sorry. I'm always a little jumpy in a courtroom.

I'm always afraid I'm going to crack under cross -examination.

But you're not testifying.

I know. Strange, isn't it?

Benson? Governor?

All ready to do battle, Clayton? Ready, willing, and able, sir.

Benson, this one's in the bag. Yeah, don't I know it.

I'll be back there reading for you. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't wish me luck. I want to lose.

Right, I hope you fall flat on your face.

Benson, I have been working around the clock for the last three days, and I can

assure you...

There is no way that we can lose this case. Have you ever felt that way

Well, yeah. It's okay. I'm just checking.

All rise for the Honorable Edmund D. Harper.

Ned Harper? Ned Harper's the judge? That's great.

Are you crazy? The last time we were in his court, he threatened to disbar me.

Well, actually, he threatened to dismember you.

All right.

Let's see what we have here.

Jesse Shaw, plaintiff versus Ben, son Dubois, defendant.

Welcome back, Mr.

Dubois.

Nice to see you. Thank you very much, Your Honor. I was hoping never to see

in my courtroom again.

Well, if you like, we could go and discuss this at Smitty's over a beer.

Don't start, Mr. Dubois.

Don't start, Ben, son.

Well, Mr.

Endicott.

What are you doing here?

Your Honor, may it please the court.

In light of the fact that Mr. Dubois is in need of an attorney, and I, in point

of fact, am an attorney.

Never mind. Sorry I asked.

Let the games begin.

Thank you, Miss Shaw. No further questions, Your Honor.

Your witness, Mr. Endicott.

Thank you, Miss February.

Go easy on her.

What? She's been through a lot.

She's been through nothing. She's trying to rob our nest.

Mr. Endicott. Mr. Dubois.

Perhaps you would like to share this with the rest of us.

No, Your Honor. Then continue with the cross -examination, please.

Yes, Your Honor. Yes, sir.

Ms. Shaw, exactly how would you describe your relationship with the late Hugh

Howard? I already said we were very good friends.

Very good friends.

Wow, to do that?

Dubois, please sit down.

Continue.

Yes, Your Honor.

Michaud, you have also stated that Mr. Howard might be labeled an eccentric.

That's right. Might you not also be labeled a gold digger?

I object!

Dubois, you cannot object.

Why not?

It's two against one.

Would counsel please approach the bench?

You too, Mr.

Dubois. Why me? Because I think so.

Do you two clowns have any idea what the odds were against turning up in my

courtroom a second time?

Ain't life a hoot.

I told myself it could never happen again. That's why I decided not to

And a wise decision, Your Honor. You don't have to kiss up Morrison.

He already hates us.

Benson. It's true.

So stick to relevant testimony and let's eliminate the circus atmosphere.

Objection sustained.

Continue, Mr.

Endicott. Thank you, Your Honor.

Ms. Shaw, what I am about to ask you... Mr. Dubois.

What is this?

Sit.

I don't know. One minute you say stand, next minute you say sit.

Continue, Mr.

Endercott, please.

Uh, yeah, uh... Ms.

Shaw, let me ask you one very simple...

question. What makes you think you have the right to contest the life, sane

words of a dying man?

Because he said I would get everything.

Ha!

I

mean,

every time we'd have a fight, he'd cut me out of the will and put in the name

some weirdo.

Oh, you... Are you seriously asking the court to believe that fairy tale?

I believe it.

Will you shut up?

Tell me to shut up? Would it carry more weight if it came from me, Mr. Duvall?

Enough said, Ned.

Mr. Endicott, continue with your fascinating cross -examination.

Yes, yes, Your Honor.

Miss Shaw, let me see if I follow your little scenario.

You and the recently deceased Mr.

Howard, although we don't blame you for that, had some sort of relationship

going. Every time you had a fight, he rewrote the will and signed everything

over to some stranger. Is that what you would have this court believe?

Oh, no, they weren't all strangers.

During the 13 years I lived with Huey, at one time, he left it to our gardener.

At the time, it was the pool man.

Anybody, just to irritate me.

I... What?

Don't do that.

Well,

I just want to talk to my lawyer.

Very well, but do it quietly.

Foster, get my pills, please.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Ask her about living with this guy.

Right, right. We'll call her morals into question. That'll put her on the robes.

Ms. Shaw.

You stated that you lived with Mr. Howard for 13 years.

That's correct.

Was that with or without the benefit of marriage?

No, we were never married.

Aha!

We were never married, Your Honor.

What? What is your point, Mr.

Endicott?

What is my point, Benzo?

I'll handle it from here.

Your Honor, with the kind indulgence of the court, I would like to ask a few

questions. Mr.

Du Bois, that is highly... Oh, what the hell. If Judge Wapner can take it, so

can I. Go ahead.

I'd love to.

Miss Shaw.

During these 13 years you lived with Mr. Howard, was that as brother and sister?

Cousins? Roommates?

Wake up, Dubois.

No further questions.

I'm not through yet.

Then, Miss Shaw, is it safe to say that if Mr. Howard snored, you were the first

to know?

Yes, Mr. Dubois.

We were lovers.

Lovers, Miss Shaw?

In my book, I call that kind of dedication a commitment.

A relationship.

Yeah, you don't have to answer that question.

I didn't ask her a question.

Vincent, you are treading on thin ice. Their relationship might be construed as

a common law marriage.

A what? A common law marriage.

A what? A common law marriage. I want that stricken from the record.

Your Honor, what we have here is simply a woman.

hosted by her man.

In the lean times, the mean times.

In other words, a woman who is dedicated and faithful.

Oh, I never said I was faithful.

Cool it, Jessie.

Make your point, Mr. DuBois. My point is simply this, that Miss Shaw represents

the very definition of the word wife, and I don't see how I, in all good

conscience, can stand in the way of her inheritance. I beg you, please, rule in

favor of the plaintiff. You got it.

Bench rules in favor of plaintiffs.

Indicott, Dubois, I don't ever want to see you again.

Court adjourned.

Where am I, Phil?

And I thought Huey was the craziest man I'd ever met.

Hey, you're okay, Vincent Dubois.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Who needs those playbirds, anyway?

I thought you liked them. Come on.

take away the hair, the fancy clothes, the false eyelashes.

What do you got?

An incredibly gorgeous bald -headed naked woman.