Original subtitles

I told you I wanted to... If there are any problems... I know, I know. Call and

have you paced at the restaurant.

Katie's sitting for the baby tonight. My parents are taking us out to dinner.

They finally want to get to know Pete better.

Well, I'm glad the initial shockers weren't off. It only took a year.

Oh, come on. My parents like Pete, and Pete likes my parents, right?

Okay, Katie, let's go to the window table.

You know, Pete, it's a lucky thing you have cable TV, and I have a cash flow

problem. Come on.

I'm going to drive Katie to the house, and when I get back, you and I are going

to have a talk about my mommy and daddy.

You know, I'll tell you one thing you don't think about when you get married,

Benson. Women have parents.

Another amazing fact from Professor Pete Downey.

You know, Benson, there is nothing worse than a backstabbing, busybody who walks

all over his colleagues to advance his own career.

Clayton, don't be so hard on yourself.

You know very well I am referring to you.

The governor's decided to give the humanitarian award to your nominee

mine. You mean it's official? He's giving it to Dr. Breyer? Yeah, yeah,

there giving a call.

We better call the press. Maybe we can make the evening edition.

I can't believe it. What has that doorfront doctor ever done?

His clinic has provided outstanding service to an underprivileged

for 30 years.

Yeah, but besides that... Oh, come on. Yeah, off the record.

Why'd you nominate this guy? What is he, a relative, a friend? I only know him

by reputation.

I've never met him. Well, why on earth would you want to nominate a total

stranger? Well, I was going to nominate you. But why would I want to nominate a

total idiot?

That's when I just got off the phone with Albert Breyer.

I notified him that he was the recipient of this year's Humanitarian Award.

So what'd he say? He turned it down.

Oh, what a pity.

Well, I called in a few favors and I made a few promises and I got the Breyer

story running on page two of the journal. Kill the story, Pete. He's

award. Wait a minute, wait a minute, Governor. Before we do anything, let me

stop by the clinic and talk to Dr. Breyer. Maybe this is all a

All right, Gunson.

Let me know when you hear anything.

Governor, I still think that my nominee is the best choice. Clayton, your

nominee was just caught accepting a bribe. Sir, that was thrown out of

Bust my tail getting this done for you guys and look what happens.

I tell you, I never should have dropped out of forestry school.

You know, Benson, I've got an idea.

Well, gee, Krause, you must be very proud.

Seriously, Benson.

If Dr. Breyer doesn't want the award, why don't you give it to Burt Reynolds?

He's made millions of women happy.

Krause, the award has to go to somebody who lives here.

He can stay with me.

Even Bert has his limits.

Now, remember to follow these instructions.

The next time you want to stop a line drive, use a glove. Now, get out of

Dr. Breyer.

Yes? I'm afraid I don't have the money to pay you right away. Ah, that's all

right, that's all right. You still make those delicious sausages?

Sure. Would you like me to bring you some?

No, they give me heartburn.

Look, I'll make a deal with you. You don't bring me any more homemade

and we'll call it even.

Thank you, doctor.

All right, okay, okay. Who's next?

Mickey, go ahead, go on in. Excuse me, are you Dr. Breyer? No, I'm King Midas

and this is my muffler shop.

I beg your pardon?

I'm Albert Breyer, but most people know that right off the bat because on the

name tag it says Albert Breyer.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend your name tag.

I just didn't see it.

You here for an eye problem?

No, no. I, uh... Well, let me start at the beginning. My name is Benson Dubois,

and you were notified earlier today that you were... Oh, I know what this is

about. Follow me.

So, you're from there, huh? Yeah, yeah. All right. Uh, Dr. Breyer... God stop

the malarkey. I called your secretary this morning, and I told her the

would have his money at the end of the month. No, but this isn't about... And

sure to tell him the reason it didn't get there is because I forgot the number

of my Swiss bank account.

Yeah, but... I want to thank you very much. Goodbye, good luck, and don't take

any refined sugar.

You know, for a humanitarian, you're not a very nice guy.

Good. I hope that means I'm disqualified.

You must have a hell of a bedside manner.

At least I've got manners.

When somebody asks me to leave, I leave.

So leave. Go.

Goodbye. What are you sitting there, waiting for a bus? Get on the table.

Dr. Breyer, I'm not going anywhere until I have a chance to talk to you. Now,

I'll be in the waiting room. You will not be in the waiting room. The waiting

room is for people who don't feel well. Well, then I certainly qualify, because

you've given me one terrific headache.

All right, you got your minute, but if you're going to stay in here, you're

going to have to help.

Okay, I'll look in the yellow pages. Maybe we can find you a charm school.

What's your problem? I think I got some in my eye, Doc. You think?

Don't you feel it?

Give me that ophthalmoscope.

The what?

The eyeball flashlight.

Why didn't you say that in the first place?

I was creating mystique.

The minute's almost up. Start talking.

Tell me why you won't accept the award.

I don't believe in awards.

I have a philosophy.

Awards cause competition.

Competition causes fighting.

Fighting causes wars. Hand me a swab.

You know, I just realized something. You're not having a bad day. You just

a naturally rotten disposition.

Take me off your Christmas list. That's not the list you're on.

Whatever it is, I think I got it. Yeah, it feels better.

Good. Now, to be on the safe side, I want you to go over to Dr. Norton and

him check it with his fancy schmancy equipment and tell him I sent you.

Doc, about the money that I owe you. I'll just send him some sausages.

Don't worry about it. When you get back to work, you'll remind me. You're the

best, Doc. Thank you. All right, get out of here. Get out of here.

So, you do that often?

I do what, Arthur? You know what I'm talking about. If you don't pay yet, how

are you going to keep this place going?

With a little ingenuity, a lot of luck, and a terrific sense of humor, which

some people mistake for a rotten disposition.

It's an easy mistake to make.

He's true.

Dr. Breyer, I happen to be one of those people who believes that the people

should know about the good work you're doing here for the poor.

That people should know?

Let me tell you a little secret.

Poverty doesn't need publicity.

People have heard about it.

Matter of fact, they detour around this part of town so they don't have to see

it. Well, maybe accepting the award would help to change some of that.

Forget it. My decision is final.

Excuse me.

Which one of you guys is Dr. Breyer? I'm Breyer. Well, of course, people usually

know that right off the bat since his name tag says Breyer.

You learn real fast. I like that.

I'm Benson Dubois.

Are you one of his patients? No, no, no. I'm his assistant.

Uh -huh. Then you're a doctor.

No, no. I'm not a doctor.

Who are you?

Reagan. Bunko.

And you're both under arrest for practicing medicine without a license.

And remember, you gotta soak your feet in Epsom salts and hot water for 20

minutes, twice a day. Thanks a lot, Dr. Price. All right.

Will you stop giving medical advice?

Do you suppose they provide a toothbrush in this place?

Don't forget about a toothbrush. You just provide me with an explanation.

The only explanation I'm gonna make is on Judgment Day. And until you get a

printed -up card saying you're him, you get bookus. Would you bookus me? I'm in

here because of you.

Next time, you get your own eyeball flashlight.

Hey, take it easy, take it easy. You know, tension is linked to high blood

pressure. You better calm down.

You want me to calm down?

I'm in here because the guy that I nominate for the Humanitarian Award

to be a phony and you want me to calm down.

All right, all right. You're like one of those people who has to let it out,

huh? Go ahead, yell, scream. I'll make it like I didn't hear you.

All right, if I ask you calmly, will you tell me why you did it? Try me.

Okay, why'd you do it? It's none of your business.

Albert, you're not a doctor.

You go with the doctor again.

Listen, if I fix your sink and I'm not a plumber, would you call a policeman?

That's not the same thing.

Closer than you think.

Okay, I'll remember that.

Next time I'll call Roto -Rooter when my nose gets clogged up.

Well, just because I don't have a piece of paper that says I'm not a doctor

doesn't mean that I don't know a little something about medicine.

Everybody knows a little something about medicine. That's why you got Band

-Aids.

What you did is dangerous.

What dangerous? I never performed surgery. I didn't write any

Just the regular day -to -day stuff.

Well, what gave you the right to even do that?

I was a medic in World War II.

Then why on earth didn't you go on to medical school?

After the war was over, I had every intention of going to medical school.

But I wasn't home three days when one of the neighbors brought a baby for me to

take a look at. The kid was sick, so I took care of him.

Then word got out, and people started coming to me. Then more people, then

people. Next thing I knew, 38 years later, I'm a doctor.

Who's not a doctor?

Thank you, officer.

Benson.

Benson, Benson, Benson.

As soon as you called, I rushed right over.

I never thought I'd say it, but I am glad to see you.

Listen, have you had a chance to make any license plates yet?

Or have you been too busy working on the rock pile?

Why would you say you're glad to see him?

I plead temporary insanity.

Clayton, just tell us what's going on. Oh, you know, it's really sort of

amusing.

This whole predicament is your fault.

My fault? That's right.

If you hadn't nominated Mr.

Breyer for the Humanitarian Award, the screening committee wouldn't have

discovered his lack of credentials. They wouldn't have turned him over to the

Bunko Squad.

You and your awards. Boy, you sure brought a lot of joy into my life.

You don't exactly light up my life either.

So how much trouble is he in?

Well, considering the good doctor hasn't actually harmed anyone, I've managed to

convince the district attorney's office to drop all the charges against him.

Good, then let's get out of here. On the condition that he promises never to

practice medicine again. I can't do that.

What do you mean you can't do that?

And those sick people come to my clinic, you expect me to turn them away?

You go out there and start practicing medicine again, you'll end up back in

jail. Fine, I'll save myself a trip. I'll stay here.

You can't stay here.

Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine. Fine, I'll get some books.

I'll study.

I'll be a lawyer.

Okay, it's useless to argue with you.

Uh, Clayton, get somebody to get me out of here. But you won't be in here long.

We'll get you clinic reopened. Yeah, before I do that, Benson, there is one

little thing I'd like to take care of. Come on, Clayton, let's go. Here we go.

I'm not going to forget this.

No, you can't. I've got the picture.

hardly think it's advisable to bestow such a prestigious award upon a

Well, he may be in jail, but he's still a humanitarian.

That's a very good point. Yeah.

Look at Zorro.

You know, he was a good guy. They kept putting him in jail.

You know, Pete makes good sense.

I have disagreed with Zorro's methods, but you always knew he was doing it for

the good of the people in the village.

Sir,

don't you think it's going to be a tad hypocritical to give him the award and

close his clinic all in the same day? We're not going to close the clinic.

going to find a way to keep it open. That's right.

How are we going to do that? I don't know. I'm not Zorro.

I've had it.

I've been on the phone for three hours, and everybody I talked to said the same

thing. The clinic doesn't qualify for assistance.

Why not?

Because the clinic doesn't have a doctor.

Oh, that's right.

Without a doctor, a clinic is just another place to read old magazines.

Well, I don't care what anybody says. I'm giving that award to Albert Breyer.

Pete, make the arrangements.

Yes, sir.

See how he depends on me?

He's such a dreamer.

All right.

Benson, you need to raise funds, and I have a certain expertise.

Ah, yes, Clayton, I'll remember that. And I am willing to donate $1 ,500.

Yes, I'll remember.

You are now chairman of the fundraising committee.

Chairman? Me?

Really?

Peter! Peter, big news break! We better alert the media!

Well, he deserves the headlines. How often does he do something nice?

Benson. I found this man out in the hallway.

So what do you want from me? Permission to keep him?

He's looking for you, bird brain.

I'm Dr.

Leonard, president of the Medical Association.

Yes. You wanted to talk to me about Albert Breyer? Come in, doctor. Have a

Thank you. I guess you're familiar with the situation with Dr. Breyer.

Mr. Breyer?

Right.

Anyway, I was wondering if there was anything the medical community could do

help him.

Gee, I don't think so.

Well, you're kidding, aren't you?

No. I respect the man's intentions, but officially we consider what he did

very naughty.

Okay, I'll give you that. Albert was naughty.

The question is, what are those people in that community going to do without a

doctor? Well, the medical school offers some services to the public.

Why don't they go there?

But that's an hour and 15 minute bus ride. You don't expect sick people to do

that, do you?

Oh, no.

Maybe the medical school could come to them.

That's an idea.

Could you do that?

I suppose I could.

I'm a very powerful doctor, you know.

I'll look into it. Thank you, Doctor. Thank you very much.

You know, that was a very creative solution to a difficult problem. Yes,

what are we going to do about Naughty Albert?

Golly, that is a toughie.

I always wondered what happened to the Gerber baby.

I know, Governor.

My cousin Fritz was in the hospital last year. It cost $1 ,200.

Oh, what did he have?

About $900. I had to send him the rest of it.

Yeah, that's nice.

Gee, the press are getting restless.

I've been pinched four times already.

Pete.

Could you do something to keep these people occupied?

Oh, no sweat.

Can I have everybody's attention, please?

Thank you.

Mr. Breyer will be along shortly.

In the meantime, I have some pictures of my new baby.

And I'll just start them right here, and you can all pass them around.

I'm sorry I'm late. I have some news for Albert.

Where is he? Well, he isn't here.

Well, what's the delay?

I don't know. I called the jail and I asked them if they still had Albert in

can and they hung up on me.

Did you tell them you were the governor?

Yeah. Well, I called back and they said if I didn't cut it out, they'd tell my

mother.

So I sent Clayton for Albert.

Oh, here he is. Governor Benson.

So where's Albert? He's with the lieutenant.

Uh, look.

Can we clear the press out of here? He is in a very bad mood.

He's always in a bad mood. He claims it's part of his charm.

Hello, everybody.

It's me, Mr.

Humanitarian. They took off the cuffs so I could accept your cockamamie award.

Well, don't worry. I'm sure even Mother Teresa was cranky once in a while.

Let's get this over with, please. I gotta be back in the slammer before

out. Wish me luck.

Ladies and gentlemen, friends.

Members of the press, it gives me great pleasure to present this year's

humanitarian award to Dr.

Mr. Albert Bryant.

Thank you, thank you. Mr. Governor, members of the staff, ladies and

of the press, I accept this award.

I accept this award on behalf of the sick people that I can't help anymore

because you gave me this award.

Okay, put on the cuffs. Let's get out of here. Not so fast, Albert. There's

something more.

I don't care. I'm angry. I'm angry. What are these sick people going to do? Come

down to the city jail? I'm going to treat them with this hunk of wood.

No, no, no, no. They'll be able to come right here to your clinic. What are you

talking about?

Dr. Leonard of the Medical Association has made arrangements with the medical

school to keep the clinic open.

Is this true? I don't believe it.

Well, that's terrific.

We thought you'd be pleased. Pleased?

I wasn't pleased. Now I can do some of the things that I never had time to do

before. Now, Albert, there's something else. I could take up a hobby.

But I hate hobbies. Well, just let me tell you what it is. I could go on a

But I don't like to travel.

Just listen.

Or maybe I could get to know myself.

That way I could spend more time with me.

I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

So why are you doing this to me?

You know I don't want to retire.

You're not going to retire. You're going back to school.

What? We've arranged for a training program, and in six months, you'll be

on the job.

In six months, I'll be a doctor? No, a nurse.

Never. Why not? I don't look good in a dress.

Actually, you'll be a nurse practitioner.

You can do that in pants.

You'll be able to do almost anything a physician can do. And anything you can't

do, the doctors from the medical school will handle. In six months, you'll be

back doing what you've done for 30 years, healing the sick and aggravating

healthy.

That was so smart. I thought nobody gave a damn.

Then you had to stick your pug nose into my business.

And make this the happiest day of my life.

I suppose you want me to thank you?

You're welcome.