Original subtitles

Morning, Kraus. Good morning.

So, Benson, Benson, what fascinating things have you done this morning?

Well, I hate to admit it, Kraus, but so far you're it.

Come on, Benson, I need anecdotes for my book.

Book? You're trying to write a book again?

Yeah, yeah. This is a day -by -day account of my life here at the mansion.

That's a good idea. You can call it Princess Lazy.

I can come up with my own title, but I need... are some spicy stories from you,

a little sex, a little violence.

Well, I'd certainly be willing to slap you around a bit if it'll help.

Why am I wasting my time on you?

I don't know. I try to discourage it.

Oh, Benson, I got an interview for you. What is it?

City View Magazine.

What do they want to talk about? Philosophy of economics?

Government? Well, actually, they're more interested in your favorite movies,

favorite restaurants, what turns you on, what turns you off.

What are you talking about? You have been selected Bachelor of the Month.

Bachelor of the Month?

That's kind of dumb, isn't it? Oh, I don't know. People like to hear personal

things about their government representatives.

Well, okay.

Set it up. I already have. Without my permission? Yeah.

The reporter will be there in 45 minutes. We'll meet in your office.

Bachelor of the Month. You lucky dog.

I never get anything like that.

Except one time in college, I was elected spinach king.

The photographer from the magazine is here.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Listen, Denise, that photographer, if he's in here more than five minutes, I

want you to make up an excuse, come in here and get me out of here. Sure,

gotcha. You can come in now.

Hi, Carrie Brooke. How do you do?

So, you're the photographer?

Mm -hmm.

Remember, you have a meeting in five minutes.

Yeah. Wait, wait!

Listen, I don't want to take up too much of your time. Oh, there's no rush. I

want you to get some good pictures.

Thanks. That'll make this much easier.

Sure. You've got a job to do, and I'd like to make it as pleasant as possible.

Okay.

Now... Let's see.

What am I going to do with you?

You got any suggestions?

Well, why don't I just put myself in your hands?

That would be my first suggestion.

Good,

good, good.

Put on the edge of your desk.

That's it. Face that way. Oh, that's good.

All right.

Face that way. Eyes. Oh, that's a good face. Oh, yeah.

All right, let me get you in focus.

All right, give me a kind of, um, this is my domain look.

Wait a minute, I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready.

He's a candidate.

All right, give me that look again.

Don't be.

You're looking good.

You really look hot.

Well, that helped to ease the pain.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hi, Benson. I know it hasn't been five minutes yet, but are you ready to throw

her out?

Well, insofar as our original plan is concerned.

Scrap it.

So, where were we?

Well, I'd like to get a couple of shots of you outside if you've got the time.

Time? Of course I've got the time.

Benson, the governor wants to see you. Not now, Denise.

But he was pretty insistent on seeing you. I told you, just scrap the plan.

Benson.

Listen,

I don't want to interfere with your work. Oh, forget about that. It wasn't

important.

Let me ask you something. Are you married?

No.

Neither am I.

I know. We rarely use a married man as Bachelor of the Moon.

Right.

Right. So, I'm single and you're single. And I can't think of a single reason

why we shouldn't have dinner together.

Are you asking me out for tonight? Tonight would be fine.

Okay. I accept.

Good. Let's go outside and get the pictures and we can work out the

Sounds good.

Okay, if you all come to me, I'll come to you.

Look, we'll have to work out the details for dinner later. Right now, I'm in an

enormous amount of trouble.

Listen to this.

Du Bois is a charming bachelor with an impish wit and his own sense of style.

Makes me sound like a well -dressed elf.

It's a good picture.

Yeah, I'd give you about an eight.

I wouldn't give him more than a five, and half of that goes to his tailor.

I'd give you a nine, Krauss.

You would? You think I'm that attractive?

Nine, Schweinlippen, nine.

Cute.

It's 8 o 'clock.

What are you talking about? The article. Women have been calling you all

morning. Hey, don't say I never did you a favor.

What women?

Oh, Sylvia, Robin, Paula, Christine, Stacy, Paula, again, Cherie, Jackie,

Eugenie, Paula, Paula, Paula. And you get the jackpot.

What do you mean, the jackpot?

All these women.

Yeah, not that I'm interested in.

But if I were single...

Not that I'd want to be a dad.

Ooh, look at the time.

Better get back to my office.

See, I told you you were an eight.

I'm gonna go show this to the kids at school.

All these women calling me. I can't wait to tell Carrie.

She'll get a big kick out of it. Oh, Benson, if you don't mind a little

I wouldn't tell Carrie about these phone calls. Yeah, you ask him.

Big trouble.

Oh, poo.

We've been going together for about a month now. She knows me by now.

You really don't think I should mention them, huh?

Nine, Schweinstein, nine.

Cute. Burn these, Denise.

That

dinner

was fabulous.

Where'd you ever find this place?

It was right here.

You haven't said anything about your article. It came out today, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I thought the photo made me look great, but the article made me sound

dumb. You didn't sound dumb. I thought you came across as, um, very charming.

Thanks to a very talented photographer.

You know, a couple of girls in the office said they'd give you an eight.

Eight? What do you have to do to get a ten in this town?

You're a ten with me. Thank you.

You know, I do have to tell you something funny that happened as a

article. You'll get a big kick out of this.

Yeah. When I got to work this morning, there were 30 or 40 phone messages from

women.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Well,

they were just fine messages, you know.

Messages? With their phone numbers?

I burned them all.

Good thinking.

Hi. I hope I'm not bothering you.

I bet you go through this all the time, being with a famous person.

I was just reading about you.

Oh. Oh, well, that's very nice.

Could I have your autograph?

Well, sure, sure.

Just sign right here. Do you have a pen? Yeah.

His handwriting is sexy.

Call this number, and don't let your sister see it.

Well, I have never seen anything like that. That's the first time it's ever

happened to me in my life. She just wrote her number right in the palm of my

hand. Will you relax?

Actually, I have a splitting headache, and I just want to go.

Why don't you wait here in case you missed anyone? I'll take a cab.

Whatever happened to a sense of humor?

Morning, Gronk. Oh, Benson, I finally found the hook that will make my book a

bestseller. Yeah?

Which one was it?

Sex or violence?

It's going to be a how -to book.

Then we know it's not sex.

It's bigger than sex. It's power. The key to power is management.

I'm going to call my book The Krauss Principle. I want you to ask your

girlfriend, Carrie, to take my picture for the cover.

Yeah? Then you'll have to ask her yourself.

Uh -oh. What happened?

Nothing happened. Slight misunderstanding.

Did you have a fight with that lovely person?

No, we didn't have a fight. In fact, right up to the minute she walked out on

me, I was having a wonderful time.

Oh, I had to stop at the post office to pick up your mail. That article's made

you a popular guy.

What, all this is for me?

Oh, that's nothing.

I'll go get the rest.

What rest? How much mail did I get?

Four bags.

Phew, what is that smell?

Now listen to this.

Dearest Benny, I am 5 '6", 114 pounds, 35,

23, 34.

Please consider me your toy. Love, Angela.

Holy smokerunios.

This one shows you a picture. Look at that.

Oh, my goodness.

What is that she's on, a pool table?

Hi, everybody. What's going on?

This being Bachelor of the Month has brought some interesting results.

How do you mean interesting?

Check this out.

My grandfather had a pool table just like that.

That's the end of it.

Inside of my car smells like a French bordello.

What do you know?

I've seen movies.

Well, Benson, what do you want us to do with all this mail? Let's just get rid

of it. This has caused me enough trouble already.

Is that why she walked out on you again?

Who walked out on him? Carrie.

No. Yeah.

When did this happen? Just last night. I thought you liked her. He does like

her. So why did he start a fight with her?

Hey, guys. Hey, hey, hey.

I'll be in my office. Once you all solve my love life, start on my income tax.

Carry on.

Hi,

Benson. Could you autograph these magazines for me?

How many are you going to write?

Eleven. Ten are for the girls in my class and one for Mrs. Rupert, my gym

teacher.

Catherine, Benson, Clayton.

Well, well, well, I heard you got a few letters.

Told you that would happen.

A few? He got four bags of letters from women.

Four bags?

When I was Mr. April, all I got was 16 letters.

I thought you told me you got mountains of mail.

I lied.

Sue me.

Okay, that's the last of them, Katie.

Oh, thanks, Benson.

See you later.

How are you?

Hi.

Remember me?

Oh, hi, Gad.

Come on in.

Listen, about last night... No, no, no, no, no. Me first.

I kind of overreacted.

Forgive me?

Oh, there's nothing to forgive. It was a silly situation.

Right. And I want you to know that your behavior was perfectly understandable.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, a man like you usually doesn't get that kind of attention from

women. What is that supposed to mean?

Well, I mean, you're not a movie star or anything.

Well, I don't sit at home alone, either.

Uh -huh.

What does that mean?

Well, you know, I've escorted a few beautiful women in my time.

What do you do? Keep a lift?

I mean that I've dated quite a few women in my time and I've never heard any

complaints.

We go from a few to quite a few? Oh, come on, Carrie.

Now, this is ridiculous discussion.

Let's go to lunch.

No, thank you.

And if you want companionship for lunch, why don't you call Miss Main Course

from dinner last night?

Judas Priest, what do you think with that woman?

Now, as I understand it, the cross principle of management is he who

is lost.

Yeah, that's it. You've got to jump into the frying pan with both feet.

Did Carrie come through here? Yeah.

Which way did she go? To your office.

No, after that. Did you have another fight?

Forget it.

Goodness, they certainly have a stormy relationship.

Excuse me, Governor.

Hi, Gretchen. Oh, hi, Carrie. I'm lost. Can you tell me how to get to the front

door? Oh, sure.

Go right through that door, and it's down the hall on the right, and it's the

second door on the left.

That's a dining room.

Oh, I'm sorry. The third door on the left.

That's a closet.

I know it's down there somewhere.

You know, come to think of it, I haven't been that way in a long time.

Uh,

did you know Benson's looking for you?

Well, I'm sure if he doesn't find me, he'll find somebody else.

Oh, did you have another fight? It wasn't about those four bags of mail,

Four bags of mail?

Ah, Governor.

Now, listen, Benson is not responsible for anything the women send him through

the mail. Okay, I'm applying the cross principle here, Governor.

Butt out.

Terry, listen up.

Now, you know Benson is very fond of you. If you mess up this relationship,

are a fool.

He mess it up. He's the one messing it up.

And you are going to let him get away with this?

No. No, I'm not.

And?

And?

I'm good for him.

So?

and work this out. Good girl!

Tell me more about the Krauss principle.

Hi. You're sitting in my chair.

Come join me.

What are you doing here?

You didn't.

Well, to tell you the truth, Miss... Paula.

Miss Paula, I am currently seeing someone, and I appreciate your interest,

well, say lucky.

I usually get my way.

I'm sure you do.

I don't want to get tough, Miss Paula, but if you do not leave the premises

immediately, I will have to call security.

Security.

Miss Paula, what would I have to do to convince you to hide in the bathroom?

I promise you'll be here when I come out. I promise.

Okay. Okay, yes.

Hidey, hidey, hidey.

didn't expect to see you here. We got to talk. Good idea.

Let's talk out here.

Well,

listen,

since we're going to talk, why don't we go to lunch? I'm not hungry.

Well, why don't we go for a walk?

Benson, sit down.

Now listen for a minute.

We both said some pretty stupid things.

Yes, we did.

have that resolved.

What do you want to do?

What's wrong with you? Nothing, nothing.

What was that?

Uh, loud noise.

Is there someone in your bathroom?

Well, yes.

There's an attractive woman in my bathroom.

Why? Why? You certainly

Difficult questions.

I suppose because she's sort of attracted to me.

Are you attracted to her?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, not at all.

You're not attracted to me.

No.

You're not attracted to her?

Well, she's nice to look at.

She's not my type. You are.

You've turned out to be a real disappointment.

He is not a disappointment to me in any way. Let her be disappointed.

He has a lot of marvelous qualities. He's dull.

That's it. Dull, dull, dull.

Uninspiring. Boring.

And besides, I find him very sexy.

Oh, now, I never said he wasn't sexy. Yeah, well, I'm glad we agree on

something. Let's part friends. Goodbye, Paula.

Bye, Paula.

You came so close to paradise.

So I suppose you want a full explanation.

No, I just want a big kiss. You're going to get it.