Original subtitles

Oh, Benson, this gentleman would like to speak to you. He's with those organized

crime fellows in Washington.

Really? Are they up for re -election?

Benson has a wry sense of humor, which apparently he can't turn off.

Benson, this is Special Agent... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.

Call me Monday.

Okay, this is the Special Agent on the case, but I can't tell you his name till

Monday.

No, I think he means his name is Monday.

That's right.

Bill Monday.

Oh, Bill Monday. I know why I got confused.

I wrote down your name, Bill Monday, in my calendar, but I thought it meant that

I was supposed to submit a bill to the legislature on Monday.

What bill?

I didn't say a thing.

Oh, I better go apologize to Clayton. I just fired him because he didn't know

about that bill.

Okay, what can I do for you, Mundy?

Well, actually, I need your help today.

Don't start. Have a seat.

Okay. As the governor so aptly pointed out, I'm with the Organized Crime

Commission. Are you familiar with the Stigler brothers?

Now, are we talking Stigler brothers barstools and dinettes, or Stigler

the vicious criminals?

Well, actually, they're one and the same.

Are you telling me that I bought my dinette set from a couple of cold

killers? I guess you did, yes.

Well, I'm glad I didn't complain about the scratch on the chair.

Well, the commission has subpoenaed the Stigler brothers' state tax returns for

the last five years.

Now, they'd like for you to come to Washington to testify as to their

authenticity.

Authenticity? Yes.

You mean you want me to come to Washington to testify against the

brothers? Would you be willing to do that?

Well, I suppose you can count on my help. When do you need me?

Three weeks from tomorrow.

Okay, I'll be there. Thank you, Mr. Dubois.

By the way, here's my card.

If you need anything, just give me a call.

Well, I know something I need right now.

What's that?

Another card. This one says you have a root canal appointment on the 14th.

And so...

Benson, Benson, Benson, it has come to my attention that you have agreed to

testify against the Stigler brothers.

The Stigler brothers?

Aren't they those vicious gangsters? Why, no one ever testifies against them.

Of course not. Everyone who could give evidence has come down with a sudden

of irreversible death.

Oh, stop worrying. I'm in no danger. I'm simply going to Washington to testify

that, yes, these are the Stigler brothers' tax returns.

Taxes. That's exactly how they get these guys. They got Al Capone on taxes. They

got Meyer Lansky on taxes. They got, uh, what's that other guy's name?

Rowena Gorn.

Rowena Gorn?

Yeah, Rowena Gorn. She's my manicurist.

She wasn't reporting pedicures.

They nailed her.

I knew it. I knew I smelled cookie.

Oh, hi, Benson.

Hey, don't start.

Can I talk you out of testifying, Benson?

Will you people calm down? I told you I'm in no danger. I don't know any big

secrets. I'm a technical witness. That's it.

Yeah, that's it. He sleeps on the fishes.

She's right, Benson.

You're going to be wearing pinstripe cement.

And the worst part is, I won't be able to tell you I told you so.

Benson, is what you're doing really dangerous?

No, they're just teasing, Katie.

Good, because I wouldn't want anything to happen to my partner.

Partner? Well, yeah, I need an adult partner. And since it's your mother's

recipe, I thought it should be you.

Sure, why not?

Good. Try not to eat up all the profits.

Benson, I want you to have this vest.

Thanks a lot, Governor, but I don't have anything I can wear it with.

You don't understand. I got this from security. It's a bulletproof vest.

I don't need it. I told you I'm in no danger.

Well, just wear it as a lucky vest.

Well, with all due respect, sir, if I wore that vest, I'd never get lucky.

involved in any family squabs.

I'll take a couple of egg rolls, a glass of iced tea, and some egg foo young.

Number 16 -er. Yeah. Is Jimmy going to be around today?

I tell you, huh?

Jimmy go home sick -er.

I hope it's nothing serious.

case, I'll take a number 11.

Ah, ah,

Benson.

Benson, there you are. Listen, I won't be in the office after lunch. I just

wanted to give you my notes on the DeWitt Farm Act.

Okay, I'm eating my lunch now, Clayton. I'll read it later.

Don't be silly, Benson. It'll only take a few minutes. I'll be gone before your

food arrives.

Hey, good afternoon, Mr. Endicott.

What can I do for you?

Get

down,

Clayton. I didn't know you could speak Chinese.

Well, only the two major dialects. To tell you the truth, I'd be lost in

If it was up to me.

The guy brought a number 16 and a number 11.

Perhaps I will eat.

Here, take the number 16.

Bon appetit.

Pardon me.

Yeah. Mr. Du Bois?

Uh -huh.

It would give me extreme pleasure to pay for your meal, sir.

Do I know you?

We haven't been formally introduced, but I've seen your picture in the paper.

Look, pal, I don't know who you are, but if I were you... If you

were me, you'd be bigger and quieter.

I'm talking Mr.

Du Bois.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you, Mr... Smith.

Mr. Smith, but that won't be necessary.

Oh, but it is.

You see, there are still citizens out there who...

who take notice of a public -spirited government official who is willing to

stand up to the element of crime.

Well, thank you very much.

Don't mention it.

To anyone.

Well, I'm telling you, you really meet some weird people in this business.

Benson, that was more than weird.

The Stigler brothers must have sent that man to threaten you.

He wasn't threatening me. He was threatening you.

All right, ignore it if you want to.

You're a dead man, Benson.

Me?

You don't want eating number 16.

this Monday?

Listen, I don't have time for jokes, fella.

I want to speak to Special Agent Monday.

Hello, Bill.

This is Benson Dubois.

I think we got trouble here.

So what do you think?

Man, you really got quite a math head.

You're a regular Dick Tracy.

Look, Mr. Dubois, the Stigler brothers are probably just trying to frighten

They're certainly doing a wonderful job.

I hope this doesn't change your mind about testifying.

Not at all. I'm angry now.

I just wonder how you guys are planning to protect me.

Well, if you don't feel it's safe here, why don't you stay at the governor's

mansion until after you testify?

Three weeks with Krauss versus possible death. That's a tough decision.

Look, if you go to the governor's mansion, I can set up a stakeout here

case somebody comes back.

All right, all right. I'll have to pack a few things. Okay. Mind if I use your

phone? No, go right ahead.

I am about to start dinner. Are you eating here again tonight?

I don't like it any more than you do, Krauss, but I am stuck here until I

testify next week.

You know something, Benson? If the Stigler brothers really wanted to get

nothing could stop them.

You're right.

But I'm not worried because I know that if it came right down to it, you'd give

up your life to protect mine.

I wouldn't give up my bowling night.

Dinner is at 7.

Alka -Seltz is at 7 .30.

I hate that.

Good night, then. See you tomorrow.

Good night, Denise. Have a nice evening. Oh, by the way, I'll be in late

tomorrow. We're going to have some pictures taken of the baby.

Wouldn't that be easier after you've given birth?

Oh, no, no. It really works. They use ultrasound to create a picture of the

inside me.

I suppose that way the kid can look back on those pictures and say, gee, here's

a picture of me when I was just a blob.

No, it's just a figure of speech.

It's not a blob. It's a tiny little human being.

Of course it is.

Well, why don't you go home and get a good night's rest? You want to look nice

for the baby pictures.

Never heard anyone call it a blob.

Oh, good grief.

Flowers for the night.

A check for $115 .75?

What's this all about?

It's the first profits from our cookie business.

We're even not selling on a save.

Well, congratulations.

Yeah, well, the only problem is that during this period of fiscal growth, our

company's short of expansion capital.

What do you mean?

I need the money to keep the business going.

Here.

Thanks. Hiya.

Benson, I have great news.

Last time anybody said that to me, I lost $115.

Huh? Never mind, Daddy. Had to be there.

Well, back to the old cookie mine.

Oh, don't they grow up fast?

She's turned into quite a young lady.

She sure has.

I'll see you later.

Wait a minute. I thought you had great news.

Oh, yeah, right.

I forgot to tell you that.

You can go home.

What, they catch the guy? Yeah, Monday just called. And it turns out the guy

nothing to do with the Stigler brothers.

What, was it just some random kitchen violence?

This guy works for Honest Abe Cookies.

Well, that doesn't make any sense. Well, yeah, it does. See, your name is on

every bag of cookies that Katie sells.

And this overzealous employee took it on himself to try to scare you out of the

business. And that's why he wrecked my kitchen?

Well, I didn't say he was bright.

I said he was overzealous.

And Honest Abe apologizes and he wants to make restitution.

Oh, well, that's very good.

Now I can go home.

Tell Krause not to make a place for me tonight.

I guess I'll go back to having dinner in front of the TV set.

What is today, Wednesday? What's on?

Oh, Fall Guy!

Oh, Miss

Krause,

Benson won't be eating here tonight.

My hot... is broken.

I was wondering if I could have my dinner in front of the TV.

Fall guy's on, eh?

Now you must be Lee Major's number one fan.

Oh, I have always liked him. Owen Marshall, Big Valley, six million dollar

Whatever he's got, it works.

Oh, yeah?

Didn't work for Farrow.

The messenger brought this over from Agent Monday's office.

Oh, it must be the picture of that guy that's been bothering Benson.

Skinny little runt like that.

Good night, all.

Clayton, come here. Look at this. This is the guy that's been hassling Benson.

Even you could beat him up.

I don't understand.

Agent Monday's men grabbed him. He's the fellow that ransacked Benson's kitchen.

Well, you know, you saw him in the restroom.

But this is not the man from the restaurant.

Well, then who's the man from the restaurant?

He was from the Stigler brothers.

The Stigler brothers?

I better call Benson and tell him that he's still in danger.

I'll be damned.

I'm not going to put up with this.

Hey, you. Get in here.

Mr. Du Bois. Yeah.

I want to talk to you.

Sit down over there.

Look, Crumball.

Now, your boss has apologized to me.

He doesn't want you doing this.

He didn't say anything to me.

You know, you are really stupid, huh?

First of all, I don't make any cookies here.

I'm not hungry.

Wait a minute. How did you get out? I thought the cops picked you up.

Look, I don't know what you're talking about, and I haven't got all day.

I'm supposed to come over here and rough you up, then I gotta go over to West

Monroe and rough up this other guy, and I don't have time to chat.

That's it. I'm calling your boss.

What's the number?

really torn it.

You are in big trouble.

Picking on me is one thing, but this is the property of the telephone company

and those people have no sense of humor.

Mr. Du Bois, please, please don't make it tough on me. Okay, that's it. I'm

through talking to you. I want you to get out of my house and don't come back

because if you do, I will be forced.

to take sterner measures.

I don't like to work like this.

You leave me no choice.

Very cute.

Get me back!

for the cooking company, do you?

Look, I hope you can forgive me.

This has been a terrible misunderstanding.

Don't move.

Don't shoot.

All right, you. Put your hands behind your back. Slow.

Take him out.

This guy's a loony. He keeps talking about cookies.

Who gets this? I'll take that.

Very brave of you, disarming a professional killer like that.

I wasn't brave at all. I thought I was disarming the cookie monster.

Still, if there was more people around like you, my job would be a lot easier.

If there were more people like me, there'd be fewer people like him, and we

wouldn't need people like you at all.

Keep that to yourself.

I gotta go downtown and book this guy.

Thank you, DuBois.

And I'll see you in Washington on Tuesday.

Okay. See you, Mundy.

That's Tuesday.