All language subtitles for Benson s05e06 Down the Drain

It's over there.

So, how's it going in there, Ernie?

When I'm done, you'll know it. In the
meantime, get off my back.

It's as good as his moods get.

Ernie, I was wondering if you could stop
by my condo and take a look at my sink.

Why? I look at sinks all day.

Well, it's not a social call. The only
reason I ask is because I think it's

broken. You an expert?

Well, no, but when I turned it on this
morning, water shot out of the handles.

Sounds to me like it's broken.

That's what I suspected, too.

You think you could fix it? I know I can
fix it.

When can you stop by?

Clean out your ears. I said I know I can
fix it. I didn't say I would fix it.

Did anybody ever tell you that you are
one miserable human being? Sure, lots of

people. Add my name to the list.

There you're going.

Don't get your tights in a bunch, honey.

I'm heading for my truck to get a snake
for the drain.

Why waste time?

Slither down the pipe yourself.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

You still governor?

Oh, Benson, have you heard anything
about the summer jobs bill yet? No,

yet. Good, because I want to be the
first to tell you. The summer jobs bill

passed!

Denise, I wanted to tell him. Oh, I'm so
sorry, sir.

Well, why don't we go to lunch and
celebrate?

Oh, I can't. I've got to meet with the
water commissioner.

Well, what about my place tonight?
Nothing fancy, just beer and sandwiches.

Simple. Wait, why don't we have a theme
party?

We already have a theme.

Simple. What about a Hawaiian luau? Oh,
I have a great book of Polynesian

recipes. Terrific.

You are not roasting a pig in my living
room.

Well, how's it going, Ernie?

I ain't getting paid for no
conversation.

Is that meaner? There must be a reason
that he acts that way.

There is. He's mean.

Come on, Ben. So what do you say? Can we
have a luau? It'll be fun.

Okay, if it's a luau you want, it's a
luau you'll get. Oh, great. I think I

a recipe for poi poi. Oh, poi poi poi.

I'm done.

Good. That means you'll be leaving soon.
Not too soon for me.

So you're having a party tonight, huh?
Uh -huh.

But it's just for the people who work
here.

Every day.

Regularly.

Sounds like a real great party.

Food, guests, everything but the kitchen
sink.

Ernie, what do you think it'll cost me
to get the sink picked?

About $60.

Here are the keys to the condo.

Oh, you want a Perfecto.

That'll cost more than $60.

How much?

I'm not sure I'm available. Let me just
check my book.

I'm willing to pay time and a half.

I'm available.

There's two things in this world I
respect. That's honesty and time and a

But not necessarily in that order.

I don't make excuses for what I am.

My philosophy is, hey, who cares what
you think?

He probably needs more fiber in his
diet.

unplug Pete's shirt.

I'm going to put out the food.

Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and
change.

Hey, Benson, there's a man lying under
your sink. That's Ernie. He's fixing the

sink, and I hope he finishes soon.

Well, I better eat some of this stuff,
make sure it tastes okay.

Hey, keep your hands away from
everything.

Everything? Oh, Ernie will hear you.
Kiss quietly. No, no, no. Come on, I've

work to do. Don't get fresh.

Nothing's fresh after you get married.

You ever been married, Ernie?

Pete, what are you doing?

Trying to wake Ernie up. What? You mean
he's asleep all time and a half?

You're kidding. Hey, Ernie, come on.
Now's no time to check out.

He's not asleep. He's dead.

Oh. What do you mean, dead?

Dead.

Big sleep. Last roundup.

This is awful.

She doesn't remember.

Call the police.

Oh, hold me, Pete.

Not now, Denise. I'm not in the mood
anymore.

And he put me on hold, playing a
recording of Tie a Yellow Ribbon.

All right, there's Ernie.

Kraus, Kraus, I gotta tell you
something. Come out of there, you

Kraus, he's not coming out. I know, he's
afraid to face me because he

overcharged me on this bill.

Ernie, you're a bum.

Kraus, Kraus, Ernie's dead.

He must have had a heart attack.

Under your sink?

No, I'm storing him under there.

The plumber's dead.

The plumber's dead.

The plumber's dead.

The plumber's dead.

That's not how it goes.

Ernie had a heart attack.

If you sign this, I'll be on my way.

doing my job, fellow.

I guess

none of us is really in a party mood.

Maybe we should go home.

I'd kind of like to be with everyone for
a while.

Yeah, life sure is funny.

Yeah, it'd be a lot funnier if you
didn't have to drop dead at the end of

One moment we're sipping the sweet
nectar from life's golden chalice, and

next...

Poor

Ernie. Well, there's nothing much we can
do for him.

He's in someone else's hands now.

Not entirely.

What do you mean?

You do realize what you signed here.

Of course I do. It was a...

I have no idea.

You have accepted responsibility for
Ernie's disposition.

It's not my fault he had a rotten
disposition.

The disposition of his body, simply put,
you have agreed to handle Ernie's

funeral arrangements.

Let me see that.

This is the worst luau I have ever...

Well, I already spoke to the city clerk.
He said to call you at the Hall of

Records. Why am I responsible for Mr.
Pulaski's funeral?

Well, yes, he was working for me when he
died.

What do you mean, finder's keepers?

Hello? Hello?

This is terrible.

What's the problem?

Well, the city still claims that I'm
responsible for Ernie's funeral.

Then Send Legal Affairs just sent over a
copy of Ernie's will. Oh, does it

mention any friends or relatives?

Well, let's take a look.

Ah, here we go. Yeah.

Seeing as how I spent every dime I made
on cheap booze, fat women, and

gambling... I have nothing left to leave
anyone.

And no family to leave it to.

I like it that way. It saves a lot of
money at Christmas.

If I had my life... to live over again,
I wouldn't change a thing.

Signed, Ernie the Plumber Pulaski.

Now I've heard everything.

And one more thing.

I want to be cremated.

Not stuck in the ground next to some
jerk I wouldn't have given the time of

to.

I just got off the phone.

city clerk's office, they apologize for
the mix -up. You're no longer

responsible for Ernie. Thank goodness
that's it. So, who's going to take care

his arrangements?

No one.

If Ernie's body isn't claimed in the
next 24 hours, they're going to bury him

an unmarked grave in a potter's field.

Shouldn't he be buried in a plumber's
field?

To be buried in an unmarked grave is so
sad.

I guess we can't let that happen.

Yeah. Ernie wouldn't have won any
humanitarian awards, but he does deserve

proper funeral.

Well... It's not as if he were a friend
of ours.

This man was a vile, dismal creature.

Clayton, we did know the man.

Oh, please.

Doesn't mean we have to bury him.

Well, fine. He can spend the night at
your house.

I think we should all chip in for the
funeral.

Governor makes a good point. You can
count on me.

Everybody was falling off.

Well, we were just talking about Ernie,
the plumber.

You mean the really nasty guy who hates
kids?

He died, sweetheart.

Somebody kill him?

Okay.

Sorry.

All right, Benson. As soon as you know
how much the funeral is going to cost,

let me know and I'll have my accountant
write out a check for you. Me?

Why do I have to take care of these
things?

Well, he did die at your place,
possessionist nine -tenths of the law.

And you're two -fifths of a brain.

I merely meant that as the budget
director, you would be the logical

how shall I phrase this, find us the
best burial for the buck.

Why do I always have to handle these
things?

You know, Benson's right. Why should he
have to do it? Let's take a vote.

I nominate Benson. All in favor.

Aye.

Excuse

me.

Could you tell me where I can find the
funeral director?

You're looking at him.

Nice to meet you. I'm Guy Kittinger. No
relation.

I'm Vincent Dubois.

Ah, how can I be of assistance, Mr.
Dubois? Well, I need to make

for a funeral. Of course.

Now, what was your relationship to the
deceased?

He was my plumber.

My condolences.

Thank you.

You see, he died when... Oh, excuse me.
We don't like to use words like die

around here. The modern funeral home has
gotten rid of all that morbid death

stuff. But you guys do still bury
people.

That's really an outdated term. We like
to think it's our job to help the

deceased enter another room.

Would you mind pointing that room out to
me? I don't want to wander in there by

mistake.

sure we can help you prepare a special
remembrance?

Well, I want to do what's right, but I
am working within a budget.

You see, the guy wanted to be cremated.
Always a nice choice.

If it's tastefully done.

Tastefully sounds expensive.

Now, let's be honest.

Does money really matter at a time like
this?

Mm -hmm.

First of all,

You'll need a casket. A casket? Yes, we
have some very nice imported models.

What do I need with a casket? The guy
wanted to be cremated. I know.

You're right, but it's the law.

In this state, the deceased must be
cremated in a casket.

This is the Avanti.

It has a red satin interior.

How much?

Handmade burnished brass handles.

How much? It's also lead -lined.

I'm not burying Superman. How much?

$8 ,000.

Dollars?

You're looking for something a little
more understated? No, cheaper.

Well, we do have this closeout model
left over from the Bicentennial.

It's made of white pine and has a mural
depicting the signing of the Declaration

of Independence.

How much is that?

Originally, it retailed for $17 .76.

What does it go for now that the flames
of patriotism have waned?

200 bucks. Sold, American.

We'd like the service Wednesday.

May I suggest our Slumber 2 package?

Slumber 2? That includes the Baroque
string quartet and floral arrangements.

That'd be fun. Good choice.

That way we can sneak you in at about $2
,000.

Wait a minute, $2 ,000?

$200 for the casket, $2 ,000 for chapel
services? Isn't that a little out of

balance?

You're right. That doesn't seem fair.

Would you like to look at the caskets
again?

Nope.

Do you have anything for the bereaved on
a budget?

Well, I hesitate to mention our least
expensive package.

Mention it. I wouldn't want you to be
embarrassed.

Don't worry about me.

Well, our basic 12 -minute chapel
service with plastic lilies and piped

music runs $199 .95.

That'll be fine.

Mr. Dubois, it's always a pleasure doing
business with a discerning customer.

Yeah, right.

Have you ever given any consideration to
planning your own funeral? Hell no, I

feel fine.

Perhaps now, but every man's demise is
just around the corner.

Could you let go of my hand?

No man is an island.

No man stands alone.

Each man's joy is joy to me.

Each man's death is my own.

Why didn't he chip in?

We are gathered here today to pay our
last respects to a man who will be

missed, Dernie Pulaski.

Are you talking about our Ernie
Palastee?

Ernie was a man with a valuable gift.

Not valuable in the material sense, but
priceless nonetheless.

He possessed the gift of love.

To know Ernie was to have a true friend.

He was one of the gentlest, kindest,
most considerate men.

I'm sorry, Governor.

He is not talking about Ernie. He's
talking about Gandhi.

This is a solemn moment.

Yeah, I know, sir, but it just seems
like he's talking about a stranger.

I think if some words are going to be
spoken here, they ought to be about the

man we really knew.

Does that mean you want to forego the
eulogy? There's no refund.

Well, out of respect for Ernie, we
should be remembering the man he was.

Benson, why don't you say something?

Well, all right.

We are gathered here today to honor a
man who ruined our luau.

Before he died, excuse me, entered
another room.

Actually, in Ernie's case, it could be
said he entered another cabinet.

But before he entered that room, Ernie
told me that the one thing he truly

respected in life was honesty.

Keeping that in mind, I can honestly say
that Ernie Pulaski was one of the most

unpleasant, cantankerous individuals I
have ever met.

Glad he was.

And yet, when you really got to know
Ernie, it was much, much worse.

He was a bitter man.

Yes, bitter and mean.

How mean was he?

Ernie Pulaski was so mean that he once
unclogged the toilet by yelling down it.

Oh, he was mean, all right.

He was a pig.

He used to call me Squirt.

Yeah, me too.

Well, it seems by general consensus that
Ernie Pulaski was the scum of the

earth.

Which brings us to the big question. Why
are we throwing this funeral for him?

Well, we'll never know why Ernie chose
to live his life the way he did.

But the suddenness of his death...

has served to make us all more aware of
the frailty of life.

Ernie Pulaski was a human being like the
rest of us, and that's reason enough to

honor his memory.

Rest in peace, Ernie Pulaski.

You're on golden time now.