Original subtitles

It's over there.

So, how's it going in there, Ernie?

When I'm done, you'll know it. In the meantime, get off my back.

It's as good as his moods get.

Ernie, I was wondering if you could stop by my condo and take a look at my sink.

Why? I look at sinks all day.

Well, it's not a social call. The only reason I ask is because I think it's

broken. You an expert?

Well, no, but when I turned it on this morning, water shot out of the handles.

Sounds to me like it's broken.

That's what I suspected, too.

You think you could fix it? I know I can fix it.

When can you stop by?

Clean out your ears. I said I know I can fix it. I didn't say I would fix it.

Did anybody ever tell you that you are one miserable human being? Sure, lots of

people. Add my name to the list.

There you're going.

Don't get your tights in a bunch, honey.

I'm heading for my truck to get a snake for the drain.

Why waste time?

Slither down the pipe yourself.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

You still governor?

Oh, Benson, have you heard anything about the summer jobs bill yet? No,

yet. Good, because I want to be the first to tell you. The summer jobs bill

passed!

Denise, I wanted to tell him. Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

Well, why don't we go to lunch and celebrate?

Oh, I can't. I've got to meet with the water commissioner.

Well, what about my place tonight? Nothing fancy, just beer and sandwiches.

Simple. Wait, why don't we have a theme party?

We already have a theme.

Simple. What about a Hawaiian luau? Oh, I have a great book of Polynesian

recipes. Terrific.

You are not roasting a pig in my living room.

Well, how's it going, Ernie?

I ain't getting paid for no conversation.

Is that meaner? There must be a reason that he acts that way.

There is. He's mean.

Come on, Ben. So what do you say? Can we have a luau? It'll be fun.

Okay, if it's a luau you want, it's a luau you'll get. Oh, great. I think I

a recipe for poi poi. Oh, poi poi poi.

I'm done.

Good. That means you'll be leaving soon. Not too soon for me.

So you're having a party tonight, huh? Uh -huh.

But it's just for the people who work here.

Every day.

Regularly.

Sounds like a real great party.

Food, guests, everything but the kitchen sink.

Ernie, what do you think it'll cost me to get the sink picked?

About $60.

Here are the keys to the condo.

Oh, you want a Perfecto.

That'll cost more than $60.

How much?

I'm not sure I'm available. Let me just check my book.

I'm willing to pay time and a half.

I'm available.

There's two things in this world I respect. That's honesty and time and a

But not necessarily in that order.

I don't make excuses for what I am.

My philosophy is, hey, who cares what you think?

He probably needs more fiber in his diet.

unplug Pete's shirt.

I'm going to put out the food.

Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and change.

Hey, Benson, there's a man lying under your sink. That's Ernie. He's fixing the

sink, and I hope he finishes soon.

Well, I better eat some of this stuff, make sure it tastes okay.

Hey, keep your hands away from everything.

Everything? Oh, Ernie will hear you. Kiss quietly. No, no, no. Come on, I've

work to do. Don't get fresh.

Nothing's fresh after you get married.

You ever been married, Ernie?

Pete, what are you doing?

Trying to wake Ernie up. What? You mean he's asleep all time and a half?

You're kidding. Hey, Ernie, come on. Now's no time to check out.

He's not asleep. He's dead.

Oh. What do you mean, dead?

Dead.

Big sleep. Last roundup.

This is awful.

She doesn't remember.

Call the police.

Oh, hold me, Pete.

Not now, Denise. I'm not in the mood anymore.

And he put me on hold, playing a recording of Tie a Yellow Ribbon.

All right, there's Ernie.

Kraus, Kraus, I gotta tell you something. Come out of there, you

Kraus, he's not coming out. I know, he's afraid to face me because he

overcharged me on this bill.

Ernie, you're a bum.

Kraus, Kraus, Ernie's dead.

He must have had a heart attack.

Under your sink?

No, I'm storing him under there.

The plumber's dead.

The plumber's dead.

The plumber's dead.

The plumber's dead.

That's not how it goes.

Ernie had a heart attack.

If you sign this, I'll be on my way.

doing my job, fellow.

I guess

none of us is really in a party mood.

Maybe we should go home.

I'd kind of like to be with everyone for a while.

Yeah, life sure is funny.

Yeah, it'd be a lot funnier if you didn't have to drop dead at the end of

One moment we're sipping the sweet nectar from life's golden chalice, and

next...

Poor

Ernie. Well, there's nothing much we can do for him.

He's in someone else's hands now.

Not entirely.

What do you mean?

You do realize what you signed here.

Of course I do. It was a...

I have no idea.

You have accepted responsibility for Ernie's disposition.

It's not my fault he had a rotten disposition.

The disposition of his body, simply put, you have agreed to handle Ernie's

funeral arrangements.

Let me see that.

This is the worst luau I have ever...

Well, I already spoke to the city clerk. He said to call you at the Hall of

Records. Why am I responsible for Mr. Pulaski's funeral?

Well, yes, he was working for me when he died.

What do you mean, finder's keepers?

Hello? Hello?

This is terrible.

What's the problem?

Well, the city still claims that I'm responsible for Ernie's funeral.

Then Send Legal Affairs just sent over a copy of Ernie's will. Oh, does it

mention any friends or relatives?

Well, let's take a look.

Ah, here we go. Yeah.

Seeing as how I spent every dime I made on cheap booze, fat women, and

gambling... I have nothing left to leave anyone.

And no family to leave it to.

I like it that way. It saves a lot of money at Christmas.

If I had my life... to live over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Signed, Ernie the Plumber Pulaski.

Now I've heard everything.

And one more thing.

I want to be cremated.

Not stuck in the ground next to some jerk I wouldn't have given the time of

to.

I just got off the phone.

city clerk's office, they apologize for the mix -up. You're no longer

responsible for Ernie. Thank goodness that's it. So, who's going to take care

his arrangements?

No one.

If Ernie's body isn't claimed in the next 24 hours, they're going to bury him

an unmarked grave in a potter's field.

Shouldn't he be buried in a plumber's field?

To be buried in an unmarked grave is so sad.

I guess we can't let that happen.

Yeah. Ernie wouldn't have won any humanitarian awards, but he does deserve

proper funeral.

Well... It's not as if he were a friend of ours.

This man was a vile, dismal creature.

Clayton, we did know the man.

Oh, please.

Doesn't mean we have to bury him.

Well, fine. He can spend the night at your house.

I think we should all chip in for the funeral.

Governor makes a good point. You can count on me.

Everybody was falling off.

Well, we were just talking about Ernie, the plumber.

You mean the really nasty guy who hates kids?

He died, sweetheart.

Somebody kill him?

Okay.

Sorry.

All right, Benson. As soon as you know how much the funeral is going to cost,

let me know and I'll have my accountant write out a check for you. Me?

Why do I have to take care of these things?

Well, he did die at your place, possessionist nine -tenths of the law.

And you're two -fifths of a brain.

I merely meant that as the budget director, you would be the logical

how shall I phrase this, find us the best burial for the buck.

Why do I always have to handle these things?

You know, Benson's right. Why should he have to do it? Let's take a vote.

I nominate Benson. All in favor.

Aye.

Excuse

me.

Could you tell me where I can find the funeral director?

You're looking at him.

Nice to meet you. I'm Guy Kittinger. No relation.

I'm Vincent Dubois.

Ah, how can I be of assistance, Mr. Dubois? Well, I need to make

for a funeral. Of course.

Now, what was your relationship to the deceased?

He was my plumber.

My condolences.

Thank you.

You see, he died when... Oh, excuse me. We don't like to use words like die

around here. The modern funeral home has gotten rid of all that morbid death

stuff. But you guys do still bury people.

That's really an outdated term. We like to think it's our job to help the

deceased enter another room.

Would you mind pointing that room out to me? I don't want to wander in there by

mistake.

sure we can help you prepare a special remembrance?

Well, I want to do what's right, but I am working within a budget.

You see, the guy wanted to be cremated. Always a nice choice.

If it's tastefully done.

Tastefully sounds expensive.

Now, let's be honest.

Does money really matter at a time like this?

Mm -hmm.

First of all,

You'll need a casket. A casket? Yes, we have some very nice imported models.

What do I need with a casket? The guy wanted to be cremated. I know.

You're right, but it's the law.

In this state, the deceased must be cremated in a casket.

This is the Avanti.

It has a red satin interior.

How much?

Handmade burnished brass handles.

How much? It's also lead -lined.

I'm not burying Superman. How much?

$8 ,000.

Dollars?

You're looking for something a little more understated? No, cheaper.

Well, we do have this closeout model left over from the Bicentennial.

It's made of white pine and has a mural depicting the signing of the Declaration

of Independence.

How much is that?

Originally, it retailed for $17 .76.

What does it go for now that the flames of patriotism have waned?

200 bucks. Sold, American.

We'd like the service Wednesday.

May I suggest our Slumber 2 package?

Slumber 2? That includes the Baroque string quartet and floral arrangements.

That'd be fun. Good choice.

That way we can sneak you in at about $2 ,000.

Wait a minute, $2 ,000?

$200 for the casket, $2 ,000 for chapel services? Isn't that a little out of

balance?

You're right. That doesn't seem fair.

Would you like to look at the caskets again?

Nope.

Do you have anything for the bereaved on a budget?

Well, I hesitate to mention our least expensive package.

Mention it. I wouldn't want you to be embarrassed.

Don't worry about me.

Well, our basic 12 -minute chapel service with plastic lilies and piped

music runs $199 .95.

That'll be fine.

Mr. Dubois, it's always a pleasure doing business with a discerning customer.

Yeah, right.

Have you ever given any consideration to planning your own funeral? Hell no, I

feel fine.

Perhaps now, but every man's demise is just around the corner.

Could you let go of my hand?

No man is an island.

No man stands alone.

Each man's joy is joy to me.

Each man's death is my own.

Why didn't he chip in?

We are gathered here today to pay our last respects to a man who will be

missed, Dernie Pulaski.

Are you talking about our Ernie Palastee?

Ernie was a man with a valuable gift.

Not valuable in the material sense, but priceless nonetheless.

He possessed the gift of love.

To know Ernie was to have a true friend.

He was one of the gentlest, kindest, most considerate men.

I'm sorry, Governor.

He is not talking about Ernie. He's talking about Gandhi.

This is a solemn moment.

Yeah, I know, sir, but it just seems like he's talking about a stranger.

I think if some words are going to be spoken here, they ought to be about the

man we really knew.

Does that mean you want to forego the eulogy? There's no refund.

Well, out of respect for Ernie, we should be remembering the man he was.

Benson, why don't you say something?

Well, all right.

We are gathered here today to honor a man who ruined our luau.

Before he died, excuse me, entered another room.

Actually, in Ernie's case, it could be said he entered another cabinet.

But before he entered that room, Ernie told me that the one thing he truly

respected in life was honesty.

Keeping that in mind, I can honestly say that Ernie Pulaski was one of the most

unpleasant, cantankerous individuals I have ever met.

Glad he was.

And yet, when you really got to know Ernie, it was much, much worse.

He was a bitter man.

Yes, bitter and mean.

How mean was he?

Ernie Pulaski was so mean that he once unclogged the toilet by yelling down it.

Oh, he was mean, all right.

He was a pig.

He used to call me Squirt.

Yeah, me too.

Well, it seems by general consensus that Ernie Pulaski was the scum of the

earth.

Which brings us to the big question. Why are we throwing this funeral for him?

Well, we'll never know why Ernie chose to live his life the way he did.

But the suddenness of his death...

has served to make us all more aware of the frailty of life.

Ernie Pulaski was a human being like the rest of us, and that's reason enough to

honor his memory.

Rest in peace, Ernie Pulaski.

You're on golden time now.