Original subtitles

Well, if it's that difficult to read, you probably need glasses.

Good morning, Benson.

You know what I brought for lunch? Huh?

I finally found a deli that has fresh creamed herring. Oh.

Mmm, that's fresh. Now, smell that.

Oh!

You all right in there?

No.

Anything I can do for you?

No. Maybe you should see the nurse.

I'm all right now.

You certainly don't look all right. In fact, you look terrible.

I feel terrible.

You're lucky.

That's it. Pete's been cooking breakfast for me every morning. He's so sweet,

but it's making me so sick.

Just don't stop.

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

If it's all right with you, I think I ought to go see the doctor.

Sure. If you don't feel better then, go on home.

Hey, guys. What is this gunk? Oh.

What's wrong with her?

She's allergic to Pete's cooking. Pete cooks?

Yeah, frightening, isn't it? Do you have time for that interview now?

The interview?

Oh, yeah, your school newspaper.

Sure. Okay. Do we have to look at that?

Okay.

It's ready.

Yeah.

Do you have a steady girlfriend?

What kind of newspaper does your school put up?

Mostly boring stuff.

But you see, I got this idea for a real juicy story.

About me?

Yeah, you know, you're a bachelor, you know lots of women.

I'm going to ask you the kind of questions they'd ask Sting.

Is Sting a person?

Yeah, he's with the police.

There's a cop named Sting.

No, it's a rock group.

Oh, Sting's a rock group.

No, the police is a rock group. Sting's the lead singer, Benson.

Yeah, well, I must have lost touch somewhere after Smokey Robinson.

On second thought, maybe swinging batches is the wrong angle for the front

Well, you want a front page article. Maybe you should just keep your eyes and

ears open.

You hear something that's news to you, it's probably news to everybody else.

Okay, okay. Let me start again.

What exactly does a budget director do?

That's better.

Well, what I do is I advise the governor on all financial matters of the state.

Do you like your job?

It has its good days and its bad days.

Benson, you are an irritating, petty -minded tightwad.

Obviously, this no longer qualifies as a good day.

Are you familiar with this memo concerning my expenses?

Is it the one that says you were overpaid $439 .42 on your trip to

January of this year? That is correct.

I'm vaguely familiar with it.

But I have no intention of returning that money.

Not that I can't afford it. It's the principle of the thing.

It sounds to me like the principle Jesse James worked under.

I am not going to stand here and let you call me a crook. Fine. Have a seat.

I find your attitude rather cavalier and characteristically insulting.

Good. Then the conversation hasn't been a total waste.

Why do I bother?

Boy, you really made him mad.

Well, I didn't say the job was without reward.

Now, where were... Okay.

What part of the job do you like most?

Betty. Betty. Betty. Betty. Betty.

Betty. Betty. Betty. Betty. Betty. Betty.

Betty. Betty. Betty.

Betty. Betty. Betty. Betty.

you tell me that?

Why don't you go see how your wife is and leave me alone, Pete?

She's fine. She's probably just got a touch of the flu.

Clinton, I suggest that you and Senator Chapman settle your differences over

dinner. Very good, sir.

Perhaps Benson knows if they accept reservations at the Buddy Burgers stand.

No, but if you tip the clown, he'll give you a seat near the jungle gym.

The state needs a funny budget director.

Break out the ginger ale. I made the headlines.

Congratulations. That's wonderful, honey. Thanks to you, Benson, I finally

the front page of the school paper.

Don't thank me. You made the front page because you turned in a good news story.

Budget director calls chief of staff a crook.

Let me see that.

Katie, what is this all about?

The argument you and Clayton had in your office.

Let me see that.

My tape recorder was running the whole time.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. At which point, Mr. Dubois compared Mr.

Endicott to the infamous outlaw Jesse James.

How could you do something like this?

I was just keeping my eyes and ears open, like you said.

Yeah, but what Clayton and I said was just between the two of us.

Oh, calm down. It's a school paper.

Who's gonna read it?

Boy, I finally do something I'm really proud of, and everybody gets weird on

Then this is an outrage.

You have sullied my personal and professional reputation.

Oh, come on, Clinton. Don't blow this out of proportion. We have the same kind

of argument every day. The only difference is it got reported in Katie's

paper. He's right. I think you're overreacting.

Overreacting? Sir, I have been the target of his constant abuse and

for years.

Oh, and how I've appreciated it.

Well, this time you've gone too far. We'll settle this in a courtroom.

courtroom. That's right. I'm suing you for slander.

He's taking me to court. I should be taking him to court. Well, you don't

any grounds.

Oh, yeah? How about roaming free without a leash?

Oh, good. You're both here.

Seen the editorial?

cartoon in this morning's paper? I didn't read the newspaper. I had some

business to attend to. My paper was taken.

Are you accusing me?

That depends.

Were you running around my front yard this morning in a poodle suit?

All right. Now knock it off.

Look at this cartoon. It shows the two of you dressed as cowboys shooting it

in a western street.

Oh, see there.

Why does Clayton have three guns?

That's not his gun. That's his nose.

Let me see that.

My nose doesn't look like that.

Your nose is not important.

The important thing is that it shows three vital pieces of legislation lying

dead in the street, and the caption reads, innocent bystanders. Well, if I

belong anywhere in that cartoon, it's there in the street with those innocent

bystanders. Innocent bystander? Ah!

You called me a crook in the public forum.

I called you a crook in my office. I did not put it in the public forum. The

point is, I want this fight out of the public forum.

The newspapers are having a field day with us. I want it stopped.

I am perfectly willing to drop the lawsuit if Benson will simply issue an

apology.

I have nothing to apologize for. You heard what I said and you know what I

Since you refuse to apologize, I am forced to seek a legal remedy.

Clayton, you are being a real jerk about this.

This whole lawsuit is a lame -brain idea.

If you think that's funny, where do you get a load of this?

Governor, I'll see you gentlemen in court.

How do you like that? There it is.

Summons. Civil court, the 21st.

He subpoenaed me. The governor, he can't sub... Well, he can. It takes a lot of

moxie.

But this is really disturbing.

If you think that's disturbing, take a look at this cartoon.

Is that supposed to be me?

That's not me.

That's Red Fox.

It's about time.

You know what I'm talking about. Thanks to you and your dumb lawsuit, I'm going

to miss the rehearsal for the awards dinner.

It's not my dumb lawsuit. Clayton is suing me. Go yell at him.

You know, I blame you for this, Benson. I'm warning you, I'll be an unfriendly

witness. It's not surprising. You're an unfriendly person.

Benson, I really need to talk to you.

What's the matter, Denise? You look upset.

You remember when I went to the doctor the other day?

Yeah.

I'm sort of pregnant.

Sort of?

No, no.

Pregnant.

Totally.

Well, that's wonderful, isn't it, Denise?

I sure hope Pete thinks so.

You mean you told me before you told your husband?

Tell him sometime, please.

Yeah, I know.

It just scares me.

Did he?

Listen to me.

You're about to make Pete the happiest man in the world. I think deep down

inside, you know that.

But you don't have to tell him right away.

You pick the time. You'll know when.

Yeah, I guess.

You're going to make a terrific mother.

And Pete will make a fine...

Playmate for the child.

Congratulations.

Well, well, well, Benson, you're finally going to get your comeuppance. You may

not be aware of this, but at law school, my colleagues called me the Barracuda.

I guess rodent was already taken.

the Honorable Judge Edmund Douglas Harper.

Joe. Bailiff, have all the witnesses been sworn?

Yes, Your Honor.

Mrs. Endicott versus Dubois.

Jury has been waived.

Plaintiff and defendant will be representing themselves.

It never ceases to amaze me that people who won't even try to fix their own

toaster feel qualified to stand before the bar of justice.

Well, if you ask me, I think television is to blame for that, but...

Television's not on trial here today, so we will proceed with our first witness.

Mr. Endicott, please.

Thank you, Your Honor.

For my first witness, I call to the stand Catherine Olivia Gatling.

Ms. Gatling.

Incidentally, Your Honor, in the interest of brevity, I will be

my usual opening remarks.

Oh, what a pity.

Ms. Gatling, kindly respond to my queries with the utmost probity as your

recollection of the alleged slander shall serve as prima facie evidence of

charges made.

I object, Your Honor.

Counselor speaking in Babylonian.

Justine.

Drain the God, please talk so everyone can understand you.

Very well, Your Honor.

Katie, on Tuesday last, did you hear Benson refer to me as Jesse James and

suggest that I was trying to rip off the good citizens of this state?

Oh, gee.

Well, gee, is that not, in fact, what's reported in your school newspaper?

I don't know. Maybe.

I don't know. Maybe?

I just so happen to have said newspaper in my hand. Would you like to look it

over to refresh your memory?

I object, Your Honor.

Counselor's badgering the witness.

She's my witness. I can badger her if I want.

Objection sustained.

Mr. Endicott, will you restate the question in a less argumentative manner?

Your Honor, I think I've made my point. No further questions.

Your witness.

Under the circumstances, Your Honor, I believe the young lady has had enough.

questions. Witness may step down.

Your Honor, if it pleases the court, what I intend to establish with the

following witness is that Mr. Dubois has a history of conflict. Instantly

insulting me, I call to the stand the lovely Miss Gretchen Krause. I object,

Your Honor. Counselor is deluding the witness.

Gretchen overruled. Court calls Miss Gretchen Krause. But my line is always

busy.

Your line isn't even connected.

Have you ever heard the defendant refer to me in a derogatory manner using words

such as bore?

Yeah.

Incompetent? Yeah.

Jackass? Yeah. So?

No further questions.

Not so fast. I have a few questions.

Well, hurry it up, would you, Benson? I have to get to rehearsal.

All right.

Miss Krause, now, in your own words, how would you describe Clayton Endicott?

His mouth is so big, he could eat a knockbush sideways.

He is so skinny, he looks like a talent scout for a cemetery.

He's the only man I've ever met with a seersucker face.

Madam, please.

Either answer the questions directly or I'll have you removed.

Could you do that?

Please, continue.

Yes, yes.

Now, the other day, when Clayton attempted to give you lessons in

you not, in fact, call him a nosy, egotistical goat brain?

Yeah, so?

That's all, Krause. Thank you, Your Honor.

They stepped out.

Your Honor, may I approach the bench?

Is it absolutely necessary?

I should like to discuss a point of law.

All right.

You might as well come up, too, Mr. Dubois.

Your Honor, as you know, I am an attorney. Mr. Dubois is not. I am

familiar with courtroom procedure. Mr. Dubois is not. I am experienced in

cases before the law. Mr. Dubois is not.

Right now, you're trying my patience, and Mr.

Dubois is not.

try to contain yourself. Yes.

Now, Mr. Endicott, what is this point of law?

Well, Your Honor, the defense has not established a clear line of questioning.

I've only asked one question. Well, it wasn't a very clear one.

It's clear to the witness.

Who are you, the question monitor?

No, Mr. Dubois, I'm the question monitor.

Now, Mr. Endicott, this is a rather informal procedure. I think I will allow

Dubois to pursue any line of questioning he feels relevant.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Pete, I have something to tell you. And I just can't wait any longer.

What?

I call Peter Downey to the stand.

Hot diggity dog!

Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete.

This is not The Price is Right.

Mr. Downey, would you kindly take the stand?

You bet.

Mr.

Downey, have you ever heard the defendant use unflattering speech

What? Who cares?

There's a bigger issue out there.

Let's make the world a safe place to live in. A place we can be proud to

children. Your children and my children.

Peter J. Downey is gonna have children.

children, need we say more?

I love you, Denise.

I love you too, Pete.

Order, order.

Ham on rye, hold the pickles.

One more outburst like that and you'll be held in contempt of court. Now, can

go on, please?

Question your witness, Mr. Endicott.

What's the point? You're a witness.

I have no questions, Your Honor. Can we go home now?

Not yet. I haven't called my star witness.

Oh, brother.

Your Honor, I call the governor of this state Gene Gatling. Big deal. Everybody

calls him Gene Gatling.

Mr. Dubois, I'm warning you, no more outbursts. Hi, Ned. How's it going?

Gene. This isn't exactly Scope's monkey trial.

Governor, have you ever heard Mr. Dubois denigrate me in front of others?

Well, yeah, but Clayton, that isn't the point. I mean, he didn't mean... No

further questions.

Your witness.

Governor, were you angry on Wednesday the 11th when in my presence you called

Mr. Endicott a lame brain?

Oh, I didn't call him a lame brain. I said this lawsuit was a lame brain idea.

I called him a jerk.

Was that the first time you've called him a jerk? Oh, no, I've called him a

hundreds of times.

Object, Your Honor.

I must admit, Mr. Dubois, I fail to see the logic in this line of questioning.

Your Honor, what I'm trying to point out is that at one time or another, we all

say things that we don't really mean.

Out of context, almost anything you say can be misinterpreted. What makes this

administration so successful is that we constantly challenge one another to do

our very best, and as a consequence, it can sometimes get a little heated.

But I assure you, no harm is ever intended.

Isn't that terrific?

I think I understand, Mr. Dubois.

Objection overruled. You may proceed.

I have no further questions, Your Honor.

Witnesses excused. Now,

if there are no more comments, objections, witnesses, or births to be

I'd like to rule on this case.

Um, before you do, Your Honor, would it be all right if I just said something?

Why not?

I just want to say I'm sorry to Benson and Clayton.

From now on, I'll be more careful when I'm reporting the news.

Thank you, Katie.

Well, I'm certainly glad that someone has learned a lesson from all this.

Mr. Endicott, I can see, even from my limited contact with you, why

you invite such strong invective.

Still, the law is explicit and clear, and it seems to me that some damage was

done.

Therefore, I rule in favor of plaintiff Clayton Endicott.

With triumphs, thank you, Your Honor. I am vindicated.

However, since the damage was done mainly to your ego and not your

award you the amount of $1 payable at Mr. Dubois' convenience.

Court adjourned.

Your Honor.

Congratulations on your victory, Clinton.

only awarded me one dollar. I consider that a slap in the face. Well, in that

case, here's ten dollars. Slap yourself silly.