Original subtitles

No, he's on vacation. He won't be back till Sunday.

I don't know what he's doing Sunday night, lady.

Well, if it's any of your business, I'm taking care of his house while he's in

Hawaii.

All right, all right.

I'll add your name to the list.

Genevieve.

Eight, nine, ten, eleven.

No wonder he doesn't want to get married.

Let's put them right down there, bud.

Did you have a good time in Hawaii?

Yeah, my credit cards did.

I stayed in my room.

Shy type, huh?

No, it rained every day I was there, man.

I left three days early.

Now I know why they put them little umbrellas in them drinks.

How much are they?

Fifteen dollars.

Fifteen. Thanks a lot, pal.

Aloha. Okay.

Aloha.

It's me, Kraus.

What? What are you doing home early?

I live here, remember?

Okay, you can come in for a minute.

But please be quiet.

What's going on?

Why do you have that cheese boy? Oh, I thought you were a burglar.

A cheese burglar?

What's your company?

Uh, yeah. Why don't you, um, go to an all -night diner?

Your company's staying over?

Yeah.

You little alpine vixen, you.

Arnold? Uh, Arnold's out of town.

Whoa, whoa.

in some meantime.

Peter! Come on!

I thought I heard voices.

Well, well, well. You must be Mrs. Krause. Fritzie. Just call me Fritzie.

to meet you, Fritzie. I know who you are. All Gretchen does is talk about you

night and day. Well, I'll believe everything she says. Oh, you're just

modest. Gretchen thinks the world of you. This Gretchen?

I'm very tired, and you have a long plane ride tomorrow. Why don't you go

upstairs to bed?

I think I would like a little nosh before I go to bed. Oh, nosh, good idea.

go up to bed. I'll bring you a nosh. No, Gretchen, we haven't even had a chance

to talk.

Gretchen, Gretchen, leave her alone.

Here, come on, Fritzie, sit down. Gretchen will bring you something neat.

Thank you very much.

Oh,

Arnold, you have a lovely place.

Thank you very much.

Come on here, Cross. She thinks I'm Arnold.

You have to do it now. She thinks you live here. I do live here, but why does

she think I'm Arnold? Well, see, you only have to pretend to be Arnold for

night. What are you two doing in there?

Nothing.

You owe me, Benson.

I house that for you.

Gretchen, my stomach is growling.

Mama, I'm coming, Mama dear.

Here is your nosh, Mama.

Want to join us? Oh, well, he's not a big one for cheese.

Nonsense, Snookums.

I love cheese.

You do?

Arnold? Yes.

Of course, as long as it's just for one night. I wouldn't want any cheese

tomorrow night. Oh, no, no.

It's just tonight. Tomorrow, it's a friendly disguise.

Ah, you two are so cute together.

Hey, Pritchard, just one. I have to save some for my Gritchy Witchy.

kitchen with me, my little sauerkraut?

Why does she think you're married to Arnold?

I sent her an announcement saying we were getting married. And then when we

didn't get married... You didn't bother to tell her? It would break her heart.

Ah, you're too smooching in here. Well,

actually, Fritzie, Gretchen has a little secret that she wants to tell you.

Isn't that right, Gretchen?

Yeah.

You catch yourself into the situation. I didn't get myself into the situation.

It was Kraus.

Well, it's nice of you to pretend to be Arnold.

Well, it's over now.

She's gone.

Kraus put her mother on the plane to Bavaria this morning.

Good morning, Governor.

Good morning, Arnold.

Good morning, Governor. Good morning, Arnold.

If I kill Gretchen, would Arnold go to jail?

Thomas' plane was grounded because of the rain, a storm that came in from

Hawaii.

Ah, just another plane that leaves at four this afternoon.

All right, all right.

Who rewrote my bond proposal?

Not now, Clayton. No, no, let me guess. Could it have been my old friend Benson

Dubois? Ah, we'll ask him when we see him. Goodbye, Clayton.

Governor, are you going to let Benson get away with this? Clayton, we really

shouldn't be discussing this in front of Arnold Lumditter.

Arnold Lumditter?

Arnold Lumditter.

Yeah, you know Arnold.

Gretchen's husband who just met Gretchen's mother for the first time. Is

right? Yes.

Benson Dubois. Hey, you better be careful what you say about Benson.

He and Arnold are very close.

I'm sure they are.

But you wouldn't contradict me if I said that Benson was an overrated, semi

-competent paper pusher, would you? I think I can speak for Benson when I say,

Clayton, why don't you freeze your teeth and take your tongue for a sleigh run?

Arnold, when you see Benson, tell him I think he's a real schnook, okay?

I've always prayed for a chance like this.

My nose is broken.

It's like a lot of us are getting our prayers answered.

You broke my nose.

Why were you smelling the door?

Now, Pete, what do you want?

I was just going to get something to eat. Oh, well, I've got some beef jerky

my desk. So why don't you and me go to my office and do some government stuff?

I don't think this storm is going to let up.

I've got a couple of days left on my vacation. I just think I'll go to my

office, get my jacket, and go home.

I have a message for you.

That's from Jill.

Jill? She said she met you on the flight to Hawaii.

Ah. Where is she?

Stewardess Lounge at the airport.

There's the number.

What are you doing?

I'm calling Jill. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. Oh, no, you're not.

Put the phone down, Kraus.

Because she's charming, intelligent, and between flights.

You don't need her. You got me.

I don't want you. I want her.

I couldn't help but over here.

Tell her, Cross.

What is it? I mean, what's going on? Why are you two fighting?

It's nothing, Mama. Nothing.

Fritzie, it is not my place to be telling you this, but... Please, please.

Gretchen and I... Don't tell her. ...are... She'll be so ashamed.

...getting a divorce.

Thank you, Arnold.

I am really disappointed in myself.

Oh, God, there has never been a divorce on my side of the family. And there is

not going to be one now.

Especially if there is a baby involved.

A baby? We've got a baby.

ridiculous now. Button your face.

Now, I am in charge. You will listen to a visor head.

Go put yourself in the car.

But, Mama. Move it. Yeah, Mama.

Arnie, sit down.

Fritzie. Sit.

Yes, Mama.

You are a nice man. I can see that.

Heaven knows my daughter. She is not easy to get along with.

She's just like a papa.

You just stop by.

Benson, you've got to help Miss Krause.

Pete, we were going to work up to it.

The cat's out of the bag now.

Will you do it, Benson? Do what?

Well, we wanted to ask... Madison Moore!

Benson.

Benson.

Miss Krause needs your help.

She wants you to have dinner with her and her mother and try and work things

out. Forget it.

Okay, Clayton, you win the dollar. Sweetness didn't work.

Does Krause put you all up to this?

Bad son.

To put it simply, if Miss Krause can't do her job, it affects the way we do our

jobs.

And if we don't do our jobs, well, it affects the entire state.

See, Pete, this is called working up to it.

And if you project that out, if the people of this state are unhappy, it

affect the entire nation.

Right. If the entire nation is unhappy, well, then the whole world is messed up.

So what you're saying is if I have dinner with Miss Krause and her mother,

solve the problems in the Middle East.

Benson, Miss Krause needs you. You're her friend.

And that's a good enough reason for me to make a fool of myself?

Just go to reason as any.

Well, why didn't you say that in the first place? I'll do it.

a schnook.

I am not a schnook.

I'm a lumditter.

Then how do I look?

Oh, Mama, you look lovely.

You look great. Let's drink the beer.

You choose it. I'll get the beer.

Has he thought of any names for the baby? The baby?

Well, if it's a girl, we thought we'd name her Ermentrude.

Oh, that's nice.

A German name. Yeah.

I suppose if it's a boy, you'll give it a Hawaiian name.

Yeah. Don Hope.

Jimbo King.

Jill.

My flight got grounded because of the storm, and I thought maybe we could...

You have company.

No, they're not company.

Oh, hello.

I'm Arnold's mother -in -law.

Oh.

Who's Arnold? This is my friend Jill Fletcher. Well, I'm glad to meet you.

I'm Fripsy, and this is Arnold's wife, Gretchen.

Sorry we can't chat. We are having dinner.

No, you're just in time. Let me take your coat.

Oh, thank you. You have got to get rid of her.

You're right.

Okay, I've got a plan.

What I'll do is I'll take her to dinner and after dinner I'll try to figure out

a way to keep her occupied.

I have a better plan.

Jill? There's not enough food for you, so there's no sense in sticking around.

Oh,

that's ridiculous, Gretchen. I mean, she's skinny as a ski pole.

No, she can't eat much. Come on, we'll get something out of the kitchen.

Who are those women?

Well, uh, the, they, uh, uh, have you heard of the Big Brother Organization?

Uh -huh. Well, these are not them.

These people are bag ladies from the neighborhood.

Who's Arnold? Arnold is an imaginary son -in -law. If they should bring him up,

all you do is smile and nod knowingly.

Good? I was right. There's plenty of food.

Are you hungry, Arnold?

Oh, yes, Arnold's very hungry.

Isn't that right, Jill?

Ready in ten minutes. Arnold, why don't you get a beer for Jill?

No, no, let me get it.

Did you hear?

Arnold and Gretchen are going to have a baby.

Oh, that should be interesting.

What happened while I was gone?

They, uh, told me about the baby.

The baby? I always forget.

Oh,

Jill, look, come into the kitchen. I must tell you something. No!

Jill counts day.

I'm having the baby. Oh.

Oh. You can't be having the baby. You've only been pregnant 24 hours.

She's really pregnant?

Yeah. And this is the pair of papa.

You're the what?

Thank you.

Uh, wait, wait a minute, Jill. Wait. Don't touch me, Arnold.

No, I'm not Arnold.

That's right.

You're slime.

I'm going after her. Over my dead body. Okay, have it your way.

I think I know what's wrong with this marriage.

Fritzie, there is no marriage. It's all a lie.

No, no, read my lips.

Gretchen and I are not married in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

I should have told Mama the truth from the beginning. Why on earth didn't you?

Why do we have to go through all of this?

Benson, in my village, there were seven girls born the year I was.

And by the time we were all teenagers, on Saturday night, they had dates. I sat

home and waxed my toboggan.

Well, what has that got to do with what we're talking about? Don't you

understand, Benson? Mama never said anything, but I knew she was ashamed of

The other girls all got husbands. I... I... I got a shiny toboggan.

Kraus, how do you know what your mother was thinking? Did you ever sit down and

talk to her about it? Oh, it's too late now.

I told too many lies.

It's not too late.

It's better than Mama thinks.

I merely don't fail.

They're never married at all. Oh, for goodness sake, Kraus, your brain doesn't

work at all.

Okay, stop crying.

If you still want me to pretend to be Arnold, I'll do it. But just until she

leaves.

You would do that for me? Of course, I'm your friend.

You mean it? Temporarily.

not married.

But that doesn't matter, Fritzie. Any man would be lucky to have your

Krause is a fine woman.

I know that.

But who are you, anyway?

My friends call me...

to you. You go on up to bed. Now, I'll be right up.

Lone Hawaiian?

Benson, thank you.

You are a true friend.

Nice family, but they are a little strange.