Original subtitles

Ah, good morning, Governor. Oh, Benson, guess what? I've been invited upstate to

open the trout season.

Well, that's quite an honor.

What do you do, throw out the first worm?

Oh, they give me a plaque and take my picture with a fish. Oh, really? Yeah.

did they get the film and the fish?

Oh, that's funny.

I did it. I did it. I won the Super Bowl contest.

Well, congratulations.

Take off your face mask and let's celebrate.

Oh, no, not that Super Bowl. The Super Bowl you put in your toilet to keep the

water blue. I won their contest.

What did you have to do?

Swim from side to side.

No, no, it was a jingle contest.

I wrote the winning jingle.

Jingle? Yeah.

Oh, listen to this, Benson.

When the going gets tough and the tough get going, Super Bowl keeps your

bathroom glowing.

That's very nice of Scott.

Thank you, Governor.

Keats writes of love, Sandberg of man, but old Gretchen Krause writes a poem to

the can.

Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? We're getting married. We're getting

married. What?

What? Over my dead body.

getting married.

Me? I'm still in junior high. I can't even drive yet. Oh, yeah, right.

Well, congratulations, Denise.

Hey, Pete.

I thought you were dead set against marriage.

Oh, no, Benson. I really want this.

I'm getting tired of going home every night to a hot plate and a nine -inch

black and white TV.

You don't need a wife. You need a Tupperware party.

This is terrific. We can have the wedding right here in the mansion.

Oh, thank you.

Governor, but we decided we wanted to get married at Franklin Pierce State

at sunset.

Wow, radical.

Say, I have a terrific idea. Why don't we get a bus from the motor pool, then

can have a party on the way up and another one on the way back.

Thank you, Governor, but we decided we wanted to keep the ceremony kind of

small. Yeah, we'd like it to be personal.

Private. Intimate.

Inexpensive.

I hope you understand, sir. We just wanted to be us and the judge and the

witnesses at the ceremony. No, I understand, but I insist that we have

reception here. Great.

Who are your witnesses?

Oh, well, we haven't asked them yet, but we would like Gretchen to be the maid

of honor.

Me? Oh, this is so unexpected.

I'm so happy.

I'm overwhelmed. I accept.

And we'd like Benson to be our best man.

Me? This is so unexpected.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm so happy. I'm...

Busy?

Come on, Benson.

I'm just kidding, Pete.

I'd be happy to be your best man. When is it? This Saturday.

This Saturday?

Yeah, it's in the woods. We have to do it before hunting season starts.

Oh, yeah, you don't want to spend your honeymoon tied to the fender of a pickup

truck.

Well, I have a hundred things to do. I better get back.

Oh, wait, wait.

I'll walk you to your desk.

Can't wait till Arnold and I get married.

Marriage is a wonderful institution.

And if anybody belongs in an institution, it's Krauss.

Oh, Benson, this wedding is a big mistake. It's a very big mistake.

Pete, everybody has second thoughts about their wedding day.

I mean, you know, when you start to think about it, the whole idea of

goes against nature.

I mean, look around.

Squirrels get married.

Birds get married.

Does the wind get married?

Mention I am the wind.

Feature don't even qualify as a light breeze.

Where is the judge? He's 40 minutes late. We are getting tired of waiting in

car. Get out of the car.

Denise doesn't want to get her hair messed up.

Tell her not to worry. I'll keep the wind over here.

Be careful now.

Are you sure this judge knows where we are? Oh, don't worry, Vincent. He'll be

here.

That's the judge now.

Who'd you get, Big Bird?

All righty, folks.

Danny, I'm sorry I'm late, but one of my hogs got sick, and I had to wait till

the vet arrived.

Who's this gentleman? My best man.

Benson Dubois. How do you do?

Dubois. Dubois.

Are you any kin to Carl Dubois?

No, I'm afraid not.

He from around here?

No, no. He's from Laramie, Wyoming.

A petty crook. Uh -huh.

Yep, he used to ride with Butch Castee and the Sundance Kid.

Really? Yep, my grandfather bit off his nose in a barroom fight.

Oh, that Carl Dubois. Sure, I know him.

I believe he started the hole in the face game. That's it.

I'm ready.

Come over here, please.

Meet you.

How do you do?

See, let's have the bride and groom up this way and you two right back there.

These two young folks have requested that they have a non -traditional

ceremony. And as I understand it, you've written your own vows. Yes, Your Honor.

Well, that being the case, see.

Only thing that I should say is, have at it.

Peter, I offer you my affection, my devotion, my friendship,

and my love.

That's beautiful.

I also pledge my arms to hold you, and my shoulders to comfort you, and my ears

to listen to you. I hope you notice she's keeping the best parts for

Oh, shush me.

I give these willingly so that the whole may be greater than the sum of its

parts. For when one person gives another...

Did

that get... No, not yet, but I think we should start serving the food. The

guests are getting restless.

I sure never thought the wedding would last this long.

Oh, I've never been so bored in my entire life.

Where does Peter find friends like that?

Tell me about it. It's like nerd heaven out there.

Did you talk to that fat slob in the Hawaiian shirt?

Talk to him. I danced the polka with him.

He should be a ride at Disneyland.

All right, you two. Now, these are Pete and Denise's friends.

They're guests in our house. I'm sure they're very nice people.

Sorry, Dad. My apologies, sir.

All right, now, come on. Let's get some party games going. Come on, Kitty.

I have no choice. He's my dad.

Party games.

He's your boss.

Right.

With this in mind, I now accept you as my husband and mate for life.

It's all right, Cross. I think she's finished.

Pete?

I didn't prepare anything.

No, I wanted what I have to say to flow from the moment.

Now that we're all here, the only thing I can think of is, hope this works out.

I love you, Denise.

Well, okay.

Hold hands.

Not us, Carl.

Hold it down, Carl, please.

And now, by the power vested in me by the great state...

That's funny. At most weddings, they throw rice.

Hoochers! I now pronounce you man and wife. You can kiss the bride.

I'll send the paperwork to you by mail.

That was some wedding. I'll never forget it. Neither will the duck.

Congratulations, Mrs. Downey.

Congratulations, Mr.

Downey. Come on. People are shooting around here. Let's get out of here. You

can neck in the car.

Let's go.

Harvey should have tied something to the bumper.

Don't give me any ideas, Cross.

Is there a...

trick to starting this?

No, no. It usually starts right away.

Okay.

Well, I'll check under there.

Klaus, get over there in case I need you. Okay.

Thank you, Mrs. Goodrich.

Maybe it's flooded.

I'll check.

Ralph, crank it up there once.

Let's see.

Uh -huh.

Flooded? No, just empty.

Yeah, I just put gas in this morning. Did you fill it up?

Well, I couldn't fill it. I only had two dollars.

You put two dollars worth of gasoline into this heap and then drove us 40

out into nowhere?

Don't yell at me.

I didn't hear you suggesting we stop along the way and pick up gas.

Well, I didn't know being best man made me part of the pit crew.

Okay, please, please don't yell. It's my wedding day.

Are we stuck out here?

Well... It's going to be dark pretty soon. It's a long way into town. We'd

better wait till morning.

Hey, no sweat. I got our camping tent in the trunk.

You and Miss Krause can sleep in the car.

I am not sleeping in the car, Miss Benson.

You always sleep under it.

Please.

Okay, Denise.

But you better not try any funny stuff.

I'll tie myself to the wheel.

I haven't lost my touch.

I hope not.

There you go.

Now who's got a match?

Perhaps if I rephrase the question.

Maybe there are some matches in the car.

No way. No sweat. I can start a fire using two sticks.

So can I, Pete, if one of them's a match.

No, that's in the Boy Scout method.

Only I'm going to need some pine needles, paper, you know, kindling.

Okay, now go get some pine needles. Can you really do that?

Oh, sure, no problem.

Here, watch.

What's the matter? What happened? Must have pulled something.

Oh, pumpkin.

Here, come on, lie down in the tent and I'll massage it for you. Oh, thank you,

sweet pea.

You find any matches? No, but I found something just as good.

A magnifying glass.

What do you hope to do with that? Look for little matches?

No, Dumkoff. You catch the sun's rays with it, and all of a sudden, poof,

got a fire. Poof, your brain went out. There's no sun at night.

Yes, it feels so good.

I bet you could do this professionally.

Maybe so.

Benson sure likes it.

He has me do it for him every couple of weeks.

You know, I had Krause do it once.

She wasn't any good.

was giving me a massage.

Hurt my shoulder trying to break a stick.

I'm sorry you two had to get stuck out here. I should have made sure Pete

the car.

So I mess things up now and then. Nobody's perfect.

You sure come very, very close.

Oh, it's a good thing you married Denise.

Yeah, now I can look after him. Hey, don't need a keeper.

Pete, I didn't say I was your keeper, but you have to admit you're pretty

irresponsible.

Uh -oh.

And you're kind of insensitive.

Now, wait a minute. You know, you've got a few annoying habits, too. Say, look,

folks, why don't we just sing some campfire songs this afternoon?

Annoying habits?

Name one.

Okay.

You're a lot like your mother.

Michael,

roll the ball.

Roll a ball like a girl.

So do you.

Everybody.

That's it, that's it.

I am sure you don't want to spend the evening with a lazy, insensitive guy who

throws a ball like a girl.

Where are you going? I'm going to sleep in the car with Benson.

I wonder how far I could get in the dark.

Well, fine.

Then I'll sleep in the tent with Gretchen. She'll be better company. Come

Gretchen. Men.

How do you like that? Can you believe it?

Pete, why don't we just try to get a little sleep? You want to know the

difference between men and women, Benson?

Up until now, I thought they threw a ball differently.

I mean the real difference. Talk to the trees, Pete. I'm going to get some

sleep.

Women think we can't live without them.

That's what Denise thinks. She's convinced that without her, I'd fall

Isn't that silly?

Thanks for the evening. It was a very nice party.

Clayton, it was stinko.

Sir, it wasn't that bad.

It was a wedding party where the bride didn't show up, the groom didn't show

nobody connected with the wedding showed up. We spent the whole evening feeding

a bunch of nerdy strangers.

Now, now, sir.

We didn't even get to watch them open the presents.

Well, sir, they're wedding gifts.

Toasters, broasters, waffle -eyers. I always think that's the best part,

watching him open the presents. It makes me happy.

Well, if it makes you happy.

No, no, no, Clayton, we couldn't.

Sir, sometimes the ribbon just sort of comes loose.

Clayton, these are not our presents.

You know, someone's finger gets stuck under a flap of paper. I'm not looking.

And the tape doesn't hold.

Tape is holding.

Then the paper just accidentally tears.

What is it? What is it? It's a popiel pocket fisherman.

I never would have guessed that.

I'll give you another chance.

It's an ice bucket.

Let's see if you're right.

How did I do that?

Why, you try one. You'll never guess what this is.

That's too easy. Let's see here.

I don't get it, Benson.

Why can't she accept me for what I am?

You don't want that.

Benson, I love her.

She's sexy and cute and adorable.

I can't live without her.

Why are you saying these things to me?

Well, you said I could spill my guts to you if I stopped crying, remember?

I mean, why aren't you saying them to Denise?

Hey, Benson, that's a good idea.

Hey, let me practice on you. You pretend you're Denise.

No, you've used me enough already tonight.

Come on, Benson.

No.

All right, okay.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Thanks, pal.

But you're pretending to be Denise.

I'm pretending to be Denise listening. I don't want to be fondled.

Denise.

What?

Do you have to be so nasty, Benson?

You've really got an attitude about this. Okay, practice is over. Come on,

go talk to Denise.

Huh? Talk to Denise.

Go ahead.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I want to talk to Denise.

She's indisposed. She's in the tent.

Pete wants to talk to her.

Well, he's going to have to get past me first.

Think of it as a quest.

You have to slay the dragon to get to the princess.

It's all right, Gretchen.

You wanted to see me, Pete?

Yeah.

How's it going? Pete.

Uh,

Denise, I came because I... I wanted to, um... Apologize? I don't need your

help. I know why I'm here.

Hold her hand, Pete. I don't want to. Pretend it's mine.

She thinks I'm incompetent.

She thinks I'm a jerk.

Well, I'm not a jerk. I mean, I'll prove it to you, too. Pete!

What is he doing?

Well, he's going off into the woods in the middle of the night to prove he's

a jerk.

And I suppose you're happy now.

You know, Kraus, I gotta hand it to you. You can read me like a book. Happy

Benson, that's me. Here I am in the middle of the woods, in the middle of

night, in the middle of a fight, and I can't think of anything that would make

me happier.

Electrical. Deals with tools.

It's a blunder.

Nope, it's a crockpot.

Oh, I almost said that. Almost doesn't count, so that's 18 correct for me, 11

correct for you. Okay.

Benson.

Benson, I can't sleep.

And you feel this is of interest to me.

Denise won't stop crying, Benson. You've got to do something.

What do you expect me to do, Kraus? Well, go find him, Benson, please.

There are wild animals out there.

Coyotes and bears and wolves.

That sounds dangerous. Let Kraus do it.

What's that?

Well, I did it.

Pete, what are you doing?

I'm so worried about you. You all thought I was incompetent, huh?

Well, look what I did.

Oh, we are saved. We are saved.

Thanks to me. No, we'll thank you later. Come on, let's get out of here.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, where did you ever find a gasoline station out here?

Boy, I sure am glad you folks are still around.

Hey, Judge Slocum.

Yeah, that you, Carl?

What are you doing here, Judge?

Some horse thief siphoned all the gas out of my Jeep and stole my gas can.

If I catch him in that can, I'm going to jack up the jail and put him under it.

Well, I don't think you're going to find him around here.

We sure haven't seen him.

I think you ought to look down by the creek.

Why's that?

Light's better over there.

That's a good point.

Thank you, Carl.

Come on, everybody into the car. Let's get out of here.

Give me the keys. Right, keys.

you'll want to see.

Cross, you ain't got nothing I want to see.

It's a postcard from Pete and Denise.

Would you believe that after all we went through, they are on a camping trip?

Can you think of a worse way to spend your honeymoon?

Mm -hmm.

Is this going to be something nasty about me?

Uh -huh.

Well, keep it to yourself.

I knew you'd be that way on the honeymoon.