Original subtitles

of us you.

Haven't you ever seen anybody do facial exercises?

No. I thought you were trying to catch flies.

If I do these exercises faithfully, I'll have a face like Brooke Shields.

That'll be interesting.

Brooke Shields' face on Big Bird's body.

Well, let me tell you something, buddy.

Your face could use a few exercises. Come over here. Try this.

I

see

we're engaged in another fierce battle of wits this morning.

Why don't you join us, Mr. Endicott? We're short half a wit.

I thought you'd be touchy after you saw the newspaper.

What's in the newspaper?

His picture.

What, a photograph or one of them police sketches?

My photograph.

It was the announcement of my appointment as co -chairman of the

telethon for the benefit of the Myerson Children's Clinic.

Oh, Clayton, there's a little problem with the telethon. Ernie Depew won't be

able to host it. Oh, no, aren't I? I was looking forward to Ernie Depew.

Cross, you can see him every night doing the weather on Channel 9.

Well, I wanted to meet him in person.

In person? Maybe that's why he canceled.

I hear you.

There's nobody else we can get on such short notice.

Ah, as you know, I was captain of my college debating team. I am also an

experienced public speaker.

Well, I appreciate your offer, Clayton, but as co -chairman, you're going to be

very busy backstage.

So I thought Benson could do it. What?

Very easy.

All Ernie DePue does is read off the totals and announce the acts.

Well, Ernie DePue is used to being on television. I'm used to running a

calculator. I wouldn't know what to do. I'd be scared stiff.

Just be yourself.

Fine, I'll be home watching the television.

Governor, I don't want to be on television for 12 hours.

Clayton's chomping at the bit. Let him do it.

Yes, yes, we can switch jobs. Benson can be co -chairman. I'll be on television.

I'm sorry, Clayton. You've already been announced as co -chairman. Your picture

was in the paper.

It's not the same thing as being on television.

Benson, I would appreciate that. It's a personal favor.

Oh, brother.

What's the matter with Pete? Let Pete do it. What, me? The governor doesn't even

like me to eat in public.

If Benson doesn't feel comfortable doing this sort of thing for me, he shouldn't

have to do it.

Well, it's not that I don't feel comfortable. I can't think of anybody

could do it as well, but I'm certainly not going to force him into it.

Thank you.

Why, so?

The telethon doesn't make the money the clinic needs.

I just hope the children understand.

All right, all right, I'll do it.

I knew I could count on you. Pete, brief him on his job.

Now, here's a list of the entertainers I've scheduled so far.

If you know anybody else with any talent who wants to appear on the telethon,

put them on the list. We'll work out the order later. Oh, yeah, you've got to

have about three hours' worth of jokes.

Jokes? I'm not telling any jokes.

It's very funny. Three hours.

Hey, Benson, could I appear on the telethon?

What? I mean, I'd be glad to sing a few songs.

Cross, we're trying to raise money, not drive rats from the city.

And see how much money we've raised so far.

Denise? Oh, may I have a drumroll, please?

The new total is $7 ,355!

Well,

that's just wonderful.

But ladies and gentlemen, we need you to get on those phones and send that money

in here. Every little bit helps. Our volunteers are waiting to take your

I see that Mr.

Downey... Mr.

Downey has a phone call. Now, why don't we listen in and eavesdrop on his phone

call? Yeah, that's right. Mushroom and anchovy.

And some kind of light beer.

Well, even our volunteers get hungry.

And now do I have a treat in store for you.

Yeah, just a minute. We have a young magician whom I'm sure you'll recognize

from his many television appearances across the country.

So, let us have a warm welcome for... Oh, before we do that,

I have a wonderful treat for you.

This gentleman here is the chairman of our telethon, Clayton Endicott III.

I'm sure he has some good news for us.

What is it, Clayton? Another one of those big checks?

Yeah, the magician didn't sell out.

Looks like our magician disappeared.

While we're waiting for him to materialize, we're going to have a

ventriloquist. I'm sure you'll all recognize her and her little friend,

the Dip, from their... from their award -winning television show,

Jenny and...

Jenny didn't show up.

Is the dip there?

The dip is a dummy.

He had brains enough not to show up out here.

Well, it seems we don't have the ventriloquist, but we have a tap dancer.

An acrobat?

Well, do we have a station break?

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a station break, and we'll be right

back after this.

This is a disaster!

Hudson, listen, I think it's going great.

Governor, how can you say that with the acts canceling everywhere?

Calm down. Fine, it is.

Well, what am I going to do without acts to introduce?

Oh, you'll think of some way to fill the rest of the show.

Are you crazy?

How much time do we have? Six and a half hours, and you're back on now.

Well, here we are back again.

We're still here.

And I'm sure that you are wondering what's coming next.

Well, we have a lot of things in store for you.

As a matter of fact, Kraus, Kraus, Kraus, come here. Let me introduce you.

here. Come here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this young...

This woman here is the woman behind the governor's food.

Krauss, why don't you sing one of your songs for the people?

I thought you didn't want me to sing.

Whatever would give you that idea?

When you said to me, I don't want you to sing.

Well, that is a little direct, isn't it?

She has a wonderful sense of humor, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm sure...

if we all put our hands together, we can get her to sing for us.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you the pride of

Bavaria. The land that gave us the cuckoo clock.

That dynamic, wonderfully talented Bavarian... bombshell.

Gretchen, give it up or tell where it is, Krauss.

Singing, singing for us. What are you singing, Krauss?

A song.

Hopefully a long song.

Are you ready, Gretchen Krauss? Take it away, Bavarian bombshell.

In the still of the night

As I gaze from my window At the moon in its

flight My thoughts all stray to you

In the still of the night

While the world is in slumber

Oh, the times without number Darling

People just loved it. We'll be right back.

Phone for you, Miss Krause. Oh, thank you. Well, we only got six and a half

hours to go now.

Good news. The magician showed up. I'm saved. Is he ready to go on? Well, he

wants you to know his rabbit's sick.

Well, tell him I'm sorry.

I only do one telethon at a time.

This is a Mr.

Tobias. He's a record producer. He heard me sing. He wants to sign me to a

concert.

Signing a record album? A national tour? TV?

Broadway? Movies?

What's next?

The magician, if his rabbit doesn't throw up.

Excuse me. Denise, has the mailman been in here yet? Oh, no, not yet. Are you

waiting for something special? Yeah.

Here, here.

Oh, what is it?

Well, remember Mr. Tobias, the man who signed me to the record company?

How could we forget? You've mentioned it every day for a week. Oh, well, two

days ago I made the record.

This should be the demo tape.

Any turtles on the telethon? In a minute, Frank. Miss Cross is going to

recording she made.

Okay. In the still...

It's a fresh air and activity.

Well, of course, it's only one man's opinion, but I find that totally

unacceptable.

I kind of like it.

But I really don't have a musical ear.

Something's wrong, Gretchen. That was horrible.

Yeah.

Is that what I sound like?

Oh, not at all, Kraus. It pains me to report it, but you sound very good.

Where was that recorded? In a car wash?

Vincent's right. It's just a bad recording.

You can make another one.

Oh, no, I can't.

Not with that attitude.

You don't have any confidence.

I don't have another $3 ,500.

What are you talking about?

That's what I paid to make that record.

Mr. Tobias said it was an investment in my career.

Sounds to me like you've been had.

Well, Cross, why didn't you talk to some of us before you gave the man $3 ,500?

All right, all right.

I'm a dumb cop. I'm a nincompoop. I'm a foolish woman with a silly dream.

Gretchen didn't even want to talk about it. She wouldn't open the door. She's so

upset. Well, no wonder. Now she'll have to cancel that trip.

Trip? What trip?

That's what the $3 ,500 was for. She was going back to Bavaria for the summer.

We're going to have to get that money back.

Well, I don't know how.

As reprehensible as Tobias may be, he's totally within the parameters of that

contract. What makes people do things like that? Plain old greed.

Yeah, I can understand that.

Well, maybe greed is just a weapon we need to even up the score with Mr.

Tobias. Do you have a plan?

One's beginning to form.

Denise, go tell Kraus we've got a plan.

All right.

Benson, whatever it is, count me in.

Well, I don't know, Governor. Maybe you shouldn't get involved in this. This is

off the wall.

Miss Kraus is very dear to me. I'm in.

Okay. Good. You willing to wear a mustache?

Hey, Bernie, it's Tobias. You open for business?

Great.

Yeah, yeah. Put me down for a C -note on Bold Pagan in the seventh.

Right. Check back with you later.

That is a green couch, is it not?

Yeah.

Madame, you are not mistaken.

This may be the location.

Temperature is off a degree, but I think that we can live with it.

Mr. Pendleton!

Armand, the studio gave off the proper vibration.

The planets have guided us to these coordinates.

That's it. I'm calling security.

Hold it, hold it.

Minute. this studio for about 20 minutes. We will pay you $5 ,000 what

What is this? Who are you people?

That is Geoffrey Pendleton, the Jamaican industrialist. Yeah.

He's worth more than a hundred million of your dollars.

Ooh.

You're familiar with the name?

No, I'm familiar with the number.

Mr. Pendleton, it's a pleasure to do business with you. If I might ask, uh,

my studio?

Because me...

Psychics say it give off the proper vibration.

Oh, good beta waves.

This room is just right.

And twas you led me to it, madam.

Smithers. Sir. Lay $1 ,000 upon the lady.

Mr. Pendleton, the temperature has gone up a degree.

You're right.

Smithers. Sir. Lay $1 ,000 upon the man.

Hey, he didn't make the temperature go up. He just reported it. You are right.

Lay $1 ,000 upon him.

Oh, the time is drawing near.

Smithers.

Me is now ready for Mr. Bartholomew.

Very good, sir.

And Smithers, lay a thousand dollars upon yourself, man.

Mr.

Pendleton, you are truly a generous man.

Thanks, Cecil. Lay a thousand dollars upon you.

Jeffrey, look!

It's 1115!

The moon is in the seventh house!

When Jupiter is aligned with Mars.

To the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

Cauterize me, Trotman.

Mr. Bartholomew approaches, sir.

$100 ,000 from the man.

Jeffrey, sweetheart, we are so hot to record your album. If it was up to me,

would be in the studio even as we speak. But there is a little matter of

production costs.

As you know, the business is run by lawyers, not by artisans.

Smithers, how much money?

We're talking $100 ,000.

Let him have the money, man.

Better to start the ball rolling.

Excuse me.

Am I correct?

in assuming you're interested in making a recording?

That is correct.

Listen, you probably didn't know this, but I also happen to be in a record

business. No.

Yeah, this is my studio. I could record your album for $50 ,000.

Let me say right now that money is not the issue here.

What someone charged me is of no importance.

What is important is that I feel comfortable with that person in

makes sense.

Then Mr. Tobias is your man. He gives off very comfortable vibrations.

Then my decision is clear. Mr.

Tobias, let us cut a record.

This is the pits.

He's so kind as to escort Mr. Bartolo Mew to him car.

You're going to regret this decision, sweetheart.

I feel very badly about this. Follow Mr.

Bartolomeu and lay $1 ,000 upon him. Very good. Now,

Mr. Pendleton, why don't we find one of my standard contracts to cement the

deal? That sounds good, ma. Ah, there you are, Mr.

Tobias. Miss Trout, what are you doing here? I want to talk to you.

Sorry, lady, may I have the studio another five minutes?

This man cheated me.

C 'est quoi?

Didn't I guess me have to go?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're ruining a very big deal for me. I want my money.

Peasant. Listen, if you get out of here right away, I'll return half your money.

Half? You are a thief.

I'm freezing.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here's your contract.

Here. And here's your money.

Thank you.

Sir, if it had not been for you, I would not have got my money back. I could

kiss you.

We'd be very grateful, lady, you don't do that.

Well, it's your own way.

Uh, thank you.

Ah, Tobias, lay a thousand pound a lady.

What? Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, uh...

Now, let's get back to business.

Why not? Why not?

Stop! We've waited too long.

The planets are out of alignment.

What? Oh, it's a bad time to enter into business ventures.

It is a good thing we caught it.

But what about your record contract?

Me get in touch with you when the planets dim back where they used to be.

When will that be?

July 13th, 2000.

Oh,

Benson, you know that extra thousand dollars Mr.

Tobias gave me? Yeah. Well, I donated it to the Myerson Children's Clinic in Mr.

Tobias' name.

That Tobias is quite a guy.

for getting my money back.

How can I ever thank you? By going to Bavaria for the summer.

You don't mean that. Come on, Benson, admit it. You like me.

Not really.

Actually, there is a kind of love between us.

Oh, for goodness sake, Cross, I just ate.

Come on, Benson, you're just like a big box of candy.

Poke around long enough and you'll find a soft, gooey center.

Thank you, Chris.

You're like an ice cream sundae.

Kind of fun, sort of sweet, but mostly nuts.