Original subtitles

Good morning, Denise.

Good morning, Benson.

Oh, there isn't any coffee. You have to have instant.

Where is Krause?

Arnold took her out to breakfast.

Doesn't that sound romantic?

Yeah. Prune juice, bran flakes, and Krause. That's the stuff they write

about.

What are you reading?

Oh, it's called Little Known Facts. Did you know they found traces of beeswax in

Napoleon's hair?

Uh -huh. Well, in those days, they didn't have Grecian formula.

Did you know that in America, a woman gives birth every three and a half

minutes? She must be exhausted.

Oh, that's... Ask me more. Ask me more.

I'm off to Russia.

Well, our gain is their loss.

I see you're jealous because the governor chose me to go to Russia

you. Oh, sure, Clayton. Winter in Leningrad has always been my idea of the

vacation.

Clayton, I just got off the phone with the president's people. Yes, sir? And

they want you to know you'll have a 14 -hour layover in Thule, Greenland. Oh,

shoo! Clayton has all the fun.

Anyway, Clayton, have a good time.

Thank you, sir. I intend to.

I won't be spending all my time in meetings, you know. I plan to do a

shopping, a little fight -seeing.

Is there anything you'd like me to do while I'm in Russia?

Defect.

No, thank you, Glenn. Just get the work done and enjoy yourself. Thank you, sir.

Well, I'll see you in a month.

Dasvidanya! Dasvidanya!

Isn't that amazing?

Flying halfway around...

Stop to think what it would have been like if the pilgrims had come by

instead of on the Mayflower.

We'd be eating Thanksgiving dinner out of little plastic trays.

Good morning, Governor.

Good morning, Benson.

Would you go to a pancake house with a happy hour?

I have some good news and some bad news.

What is it, Miss Krause?

The good news is that in one month, Gretchen Krause will disappear forever.

And the bad news is... Forget the bad news. Let's celebrate.

What do you mean, disappear?

Arnold and I have set the date. We're getting married.

Oh, congratulations.

I'm so happy.

Thank you.

Soon I will be Mrs.

Arnold Lomditter.

Well, what's the bad news?

Well, how would you like to be known as Mrs. Arnold?

You think Benson Dubois is some kind of poetry?

Sir, the bad news is that after the wedding, I won't be living at the

anymore. Oh, well, in that case, a toast to the good news.

Listen, I'm glad you're here. I need to talk to you. Oh, we were just working on

Gretchen's wedding dress.

So, what do you think?

Oh, I think it's lovely, Cross.

What are you waiting for, a veil or a shopping bag?

Dummies, this isn't a dress, it's a pattern.

Oh. But you can tell it's going to be really outstanding.

I have wanted to be married in a dress like this all my life. It was a very

popular style when I was a little girl.

I'm sure it was.

But haven't styles changed a little bit since the discovery of fire?

There's a lot of detail on this gown. Are you sure you're going to finish it

time? Oh, don't worry. We will be married on the 19th, just like my

grandparents, and my great -grandparents. They were all married on

I hope they got a group rate on their honeymoon.

Denise, did you finish those committee reports?

Oh, yeah, they should be ready by now. Come on, Katie. Oh, by the way, I've

a bridesmaid before, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Oh, wait a minute, Benson. I need to talk to you about my marriage. I think I

owe you an explanation.

You don't owe me an explanation, Krauss. Love is blind.

What I mean is, it's going to be a small ceremony.

Arnold has very little family, and my family is all here at the mansion.

So since Papa can't be... here to give me away.

I need someone else.

Oh, Kraus, believe me, I'd be thrilled to give you away.

I feel terrible. I knew you'd be disappointed. I asked the governor.

Well, I think the governor's a great choice.

Thank you for pretending you're not upset.

I'm not upset.

You'll get over it. I'm already over it. I'm so sorry, Benson. Kraus, don't

apologize. I know how rotten you must feel. The governor is giving me away.

is Arnold's best man. Katie underneath are bridesmaids. Clayton is off in

Russia. There's nothing left for you to do.

Oh, believe me, sweetheart, I appreciate it. Come on, don't worry about me. This

is your day.

Yours and Arnold's. Enjoy it.

I'm the luckiest woman in the world. You certainly are.

It's not like she landed Tom Selleck.

Okay, now, Vincent, do you have the revenue figures?

No, I have the employment figures.

But I need the revenue figures.

Then why did you ask for the employment figures?

Well, because I didn't realize that the employment figures wouldn't make any

sense until I saw the revenue figures. I put the horse before the cart.

As far as I know, that's where the horse belongs.

Well, then you agree with me.

I'll get the revenue figures.

Oh, excuse me, Governor. May I talk to you?

Will you be long, Benson? Two minutes tops.

Come on in, Miss Cross.

Thank you, sir.

It's about the guest list for the wedding.

Oh, you can invite as many people as you like. Oh, it's not a bigger list, sir.

It's a smaller one.

Oh, well, who won't be coming?

Arnold. Oh, it's too bad.

You mean Arnold the groom?

Yes. Unfortunately, his aunt Lurleen died.

She was very close to Arnold and his mother, so they have to leave town

for the funeral.

Oh, then you'll be postponing the wedding.

No, no.

We're going ahead with it. It's just that Arnold and his family won't be

Oh. Well, a happy wedding's better than none.

Tomorrow is the traditional Krauss family wedding day.

I don't want to break the tradition when I sure shouldn't want to wait for

another year.

So Arnold agreed that we should go ahead with a proxy marriage.

Now, all we have to do is find someone to sign the form and stand in for the

groom. Miss Cross, I would be happy to marry you.

Oh, thank you, sir, but I wanted you to give me away.

Well, then who will be the groom?

Two minutes exactly.

How's that for tiny?

You just relax, Benson, because there is nothing to be nervous about.

Pete, Pete, Pete. I assure you, I am not nervous. It's not my wedding.

No, you seem a little jumpy. That's because you're irritating me.

I've never done this before.

Not true. You often irritate me.

Oh, let me ask you one more question.

For the reception after the ceremony, I can't decide between two toasts. Now

read them. Okay.

This is, uh, this is number one.

To Gretchen and Arnold, together at last, may they always go bowling as they

in the past.

You want to hear number two?

No, number one is still singing in my ear.

Thanks, Benson.

That's my favorite, too.

Stop, stop, stop.

Well... That was a heck of a ceremony, wasn't it?

Oh, Judge, we haven't had the ceremony yet.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. He's the groom.

Well, then I shouldn't be drinking this champagne.

And you should be signing these papers.

What are you doing out here? You're supposed to be inside.

I got to sign these papers for the judge. Well, hurry up, because Miss

coming, and I'm supposed to see her before the ceremony's bad luck.

Before, during, after. It's all the same.

Say,

don't I know you two?

Which one of you is the groom again?

He is.

Crouse, you look lovely.

Yeah, I'm sweating like a horse.

I tried.

We are gathered together on this happy occasion to join two people in the

honorable estate of marriage.

On behalf of the bride and groom...

I wish to extend a warm welcome to those who have assembled here to witness this

ceremony of matrimony.

If any of you know any just or legal reason why these two should not be thus

joined, you will speak now or forever hold your people.

Do you, Gretchen Krause, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, who

will love and obey in sickness and in health till death do you part?

I do.

Oh, my Lord.

And do you, Benjamin Dubois, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

In love and obey, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

Answer the question.

Yeah, I guess.

You guess what? I...

Yes, I do.

Then by the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

I may, but I won't.

Rouse, I hope that you and Arnold eventually become very happy.

Who's Arnold?

He's the groom.

I thought your name was Benson.

Benson's standing in for Arnold.

Who's Arnold?

Judge, this is a proxy wedding.

Proxy?

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

What are you talking about?

Are you Gretchen Krause?

Ja. Are you Benson Dubois?

Yes.

Then according to the laws of this great state, you are now...

You can understand it from here to the 4th of July. I am not his wife.

Believe me, Krause is the last thing in the world anybody wants.

So there was some mistake in the paperwork?

There's no mistake.

She signed for the bride's signs.

He signed for the groom's signs.

Judge, if you'll allow me, I think I can settle this. Do you have a copy of the

license application?

Of course. I know my job.

Quentin, what are you doing? Just let me handle this. I'm in a mess.

Trouble, babe?

Benton, I have the answer. I'll fake my life on it.

You're on.

Now, your honor, the names indicated on this document are the actual married

couple, correct?

Yes.

And, Miss Krause, you personally filled out the names on this document, correct?

Ja, I put Gretchen und Arnold.

Then there is absolutely no problem. This document is the official legal

instrument under the law.

Name of bride Gretchen Kraus. Name of groom Benson Dubois. Give me that.

Name of bride Gretchen Kraus. Name of groom Benson Dubois.

Give me that.

Whoop.

I filled it out wrong.

I made Arnold the witness and Benson the groom.

Give me that.

This is the stupidest, dumbest, most incompetent thing you have ever done.

They shouldn't have gotten married if they're going to fight like this.

We are not married.

I'm sorry, Benson, but in the eyes of the law, you are man and wife. You

that paper.

I didn't sign this paper.

Oh, no?

Then whose signature is that under groom?

I don't know. Do you think we could get a handwriting expert?

Are you going to deny that this is your signature?

Would that work?

Benson, didn't you read this before you signed it? You didn't give me a chance.

As soon as the judge handed it to me, you rushed me into the living room. Oh,

now it's my fault you're stuck with Krause.

Governor! Oh, Judge, isn't there some way we can straighten this out?

I'll make a few phone calls and undo the damage.

And then I will be married to Arnold and not to Benson?

No. But by Monday, you won't be married to Benson either.

Monday? He can't do anything until the Hall of Records opens on Monday morning.

But what are we supposed to do now?

We could go pick out a silver pattern.

funny. Have you told Arnold yet?

Yeah, I reached him last night. He thinks it's funny, too, that bozo.

He knows he's off the hook for another year.

Are you trying to tell me you won't be around for our first anniversary?

Oh, anniversary.

Any minute that judge is going to call up and say he has his whole mess

straightened out.

Maybe so, but until then, you're still my missus.

Put it in a sock.

Do this mean, Ruby, that the honeymoon am over?

Don't you have any work to do?

All right, okay.

Oh, by the way, Pumpkin, last night was wonderful.

Oh,

Benson, Miss Krause, I just got off the phone from Judge Tuttle's office.

And? The judge won't be coming in today.

He better have a darn good excuse.

He died.

All right, before the judge gets in here, I need you both to sign this

settlement. Property settlement? It was her fault. I'm not giving her a dime.

Benson, this is only a formality. The document states that she keeps the

property she had before the marriage. You keep the property you had before the

marriage. What about the children?

One more vice crack like that and you can forget about children.

As your legal counsel, I would strongly advise that you cut down on this

squabbling when Judge Watson gets in here. Where is she, anyway? You told us

this would take five minutes. She's in court. Franklin versus Franklin, a very

messy custody battle. You probably read about it. It involves a female

Pomeranian.

Oh, good. We're all here.

I'm sorry to have taken so long, but the Franklins are having such problems.

Now, um...

Who do we have here?

Your Honor, this is a petition for annulment. Oh, yes, the Dubois. I read

petition last night.

Very nice piece of work, Mr. Endicott.

Thank you, Your Honor. And if I had a month off, I might have finished reading

it.

Your Honor, we realize that you're a very busy woman. We don't want to waste

of your valuable time.

Oh, that's all right, Mr. Endicott. I've cleared a couple of hours for this

case. Aha.

This is just a straightforward annulment. It's only a paper marriage.

Mr. Endicott, I've been on the bench for six years. When I became a judge, I

promised myself that I would use my position to strengthen the bonds of

matrimony. I simply want to ensure that both parties desire this annulment.

I desire it. She desires it. We're filled with desire.

Your Honor, may I have a word with my client?

Go right ahead. Thank you so much.

Benson, these outbursts are going to make my job very difficult. It wouldn't

hurt to smile a little, be friendly to the judge.

Well, I'm not trying to pick her up, Clayton. I simply want her to sign the

annulment.

Benson, do you want this annulment?

Did E .T. want to go home?

Then I suggest you button it up.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Yeah, thanks.

Now, I have a question for Mrs.

Dubois. Whatever happened to first names?

She's her own person, you know.

That's a commendable attitude, Mr. Dubois.

Gretchen, have you and your husband made a sincere effort to work your problems

out?

What's to work out? We've been arguing since the first day we met.

Perhaps you might be interested in a few months of marriage counseling.

Your Honor, we're not even interested in a few months of marriage.

Benson. Mr.

Dubois, look at your wife. She's grief -stricken by your separation.

The problem is we're not separated.

Oh, so you're still living together.

No, no, no, no. We've never lived together.

Oh, yeah, but we did for a while. It's a mansion.

Kraus, you're not helping.

Of course not. That was before we were married.

Good save.

Let me ask another question.

Mr. and Mrs. Dubois.

Yeah? Kraus, don't go getting comfortable with my name.

Then, son, let the judge speak.

I'll be as delicate as I can.

Is this a racial problem?

In a way.

I always dreamed I'd marry someone from the human race.

I never should have asked you to be the groom.

Then why on earth did you? Because you were the only one who didn't have a job.

Oh, you're unemployed, so that's it. Money problem.

Unemployed? Your Honor, do you know who I am? Yes.

You're Mr.

Dubois. She's Mrs... No, no, no! Don't say it! Don't say it! Don't say it!

Mr. Dubois, I should warn you. I'm wearing a pistol.

Your Honor, in the interest of clarity... We have had enough of your

I'll tell this. No, I'm the one who should start it. You usually do.

Well, we never would have been in this fix if you hadn't been so stupid as to

sign in the wrong place.

The only stupid thing I'm guilty of is marrying you.

You're supposed to show how dumb you really are.

I'm not as dumb as Arnold. He would have married you for real.

How would you like to swallow a gavel?

It's as close to edible as anything else you've ever fed me.

Don't start on my cooking!

I wouldn't do anything on your cooking.

May I say something?

No!

I'm so sick of this, Benson.

You insult my cooking, you insult my looks, you insult the way I dress.

What are you complaining about? Did I miss something?

That's it.

I don't need this annulment. I'm about to become a widow.

It's all right, domestic squabble. But you might go upstairs and check on Judge

Allison.

Is he all right? right. Yeah, I think he just fainted. Well, you'll be delighted

to know I've decided to grant you the annulment. I have never seen such

irreconcilable differences in my life.

You mean we're no longer married? As of this date, you were never married.

Oh, that's gross!

to give us the annulment. Oh, well, congratulations. You're free to go your

separate ways.

And I will be sending you a bill for my services.

A bill? I thought you were doing this out of the goodness of your heart.

That was before the shooting started.

Well, Benson, what would you have done if we had had to stay married?

Well, Cross, I'm afraid I would have had to insist that you fulfill your wifely

obligations.

I'd die first.

If I'd known that, I would never have given you a divorce.