Original subtitles

Oh!

Wish to get started?

No, help me down.

Oh, okay.

Oh,

am I interrupting something?

Oh, Katie, it's not what it looks like.

Yeah, I was just helping Krause down from her perch.

I guess around here that's a reasonable explanation.

Frightening, isn't it?

You look so grown up in your new dress.

Thank you. Now that you're older, you'll be staying up for lots of these late

night parties.

Yeah. Tonight I got to meet 28 water commissioners.

Well, no one said growing up was easy.

Right. See you tomorrow.

Good night. Good night. Good night.

Val? Val what?

Aren't you going to ask me what I was doing hanging from the molding?

I thought it was mating season.

I was after a cobweb. Krause, you want a cobweb? Spend your own.

All right, Benson, I'm going to bed.

Need a boost?

Oh, there you are, Benson. Listen, Pete was looking for you, but he left.

Why?

I expect because he couldn't find you.

No, I mean, why was he looking for me, sir? Oh, he wanted to tell you that part

of your speech to the water commissioners will be on the 11 o 'clock

Oh, really? What time is it?

Nothing. They call it the 11 o 'clock news for a reason.

No, I meant, do you have the time?

Well, sure.

The guests are all gone. I've got nothing better to do.

I'll watch it in bed.

Oh, sir. Now, listen, Benson. You'd better hurry. You'll be late. It's

10 .45.

Right, sir.

Good night.

Must be tired. He seems awfully confused.

Hey, Pete, what's happening?

Oh, terrific.

How'd I look?

Oh, still on?

What channel?

Okay.

It's gone.

My television is gone.

I'll check with you later, Pete.

Looks like I've been...

Well,

that's it. I've been robbed.

Just trying to be a good neighbor.

By scaring me half to death?

How'd you get in here?

Your burglar forgot to lock up when he left.

Hey, he was in and out of here in no time. You saw him? Watched the whole

You saw him rob my place, yet you did nothing to try to stop him? Are you

kidding? Suppose he stole your gun.

Frank, I don't have a gun.

Oh, another sitting duck. No wonder he robbed you.

Frank, I could get a gun.

I'm going to call the police.

Better not.

already called. If you call twice, it annoys them and they don't come.

Hey, look, he took the coffee maker.

If I ever get my hands on this guy, I'm going to kill him. Hey, you're angry,

right, Benson?

That's always the first reaction.

Microwave oven.

Brand new microwave oven.

Soon you're going to start to feel vulnerable like you could just barge in

any time they want.

Something funny over there.

What was over here?

The stereo.

Then fear sets in. Suppose he was still here.

Suppose he was armed. Suppose he was violent.

Suppose you shut up.

A little touchy tonight, Benson.

Yes, I'm a little touchy. I'm upset.

I might even be violent, so watch what you say.

Well, one good thing.

He took that ugly painting.

Wraps it up. About wraps it up, you're leaving?

We should have been out of here ten minutes ago. If I'm not mistaken, you

got here ten minutes ago.

Come on, Andrea, move it. Hang on, George. I want to take another look

Wait.

Typical rookie.

My partner.

All the cops in burglary, I wind up with Nancy Drew.

Can we talk about the burglary? Sure, makes you feel better. So what happens

now? You file an insurance claim.

Any chance of getting the stuff back?

You're the only one in the world who lost a stereo, right?

Let me ask you something, Mr. DuBois.

If we find anything on this list, how are you going to prove it's yours?

Maybe he recorded the serial numbers.

Nobody ever does that. They do if they're smart.

Mr. DuBois?

Well, I always meant to.

Do you have any photographs of the stolen items?

Yeah, I keep a scrapbook.

My appliance is the early years.

Mr. Dubois, you really should have taken some kind of precaution. Did it ever

occur to you to install an alarm system?

Yes. When?

Shortly after I opened the door.

People like you don't make our job any easier.

Well, you're acting as if it's my fault. I got...

Mr. Dubois, you should have double locks on the doors.

Your lights should be on timers. You should organize a neighborhood watch.

No, you don't do anything.

Why don't you guys just read me my rights?

We're trying to help, Mr. Dubois. Don't worry.

We'll stay on this case until we crack it.

Don't promise.

Mr. Dubois, the fact of the matter is that a large percentage of burglaries

never solved.

So file your insurance claim and chalk it up to experience.

Do you guys have any plans to actually go looking for this thief?

Of course we do, Mr. Dubois. Sure, looking's easy.

Finding's tougher.

Conviction, next to impossible.

Well, Officer Grimsby, with that attitude, why do you bother to show up?

Public relations.

Good morning, Cross.

Well, looks like a cat dragged in.

No, thanks. I've had breakfast.

So, Benson, Pete told us you went and got yourself robbed.

I had some help.

Did they take anything?

No, it was just a burglar's drill.

Well, why did anyone want to rob you?

I don't know, Cross. Maybe I had a few of their favorite things.

I don't want to talk about it. I spent all morning reliving it for the

company. But, Benson, I'm so curious. You certainly are, but I don't want to

discuss it.

Oh, Benson, I just heard about your robbery. I'm so sorry.

He doesn't want to discuss it.

Thank you very much, Denise, but it's been so unpleasant that, you know, I'd

just rather forget it. Forget it? You can't forget it. You've got to protect

yourself. How, Pete?

Well, first of all, You should have a sign in the front of your door saying

the place has an alarm system.

That's first on your list. A sign.

I'm telling you, it discourages people from stealing.

Well, where do you get a sign like that?

I just grab one off a neighbor's lawn.

I wonder if the police have any lead.

Give me a break.

Nobody reports a missing sign.

I was talking about Benson's robbery.

Did I mention that I didn't want to talk about it? Talk about what? My robbery,

okay? Somebody broke into my house, took all my stuff, and the police are

looking for them. There. Are you satisfied?

Vincent, I'm afraid you've miscalculated the depth of my interest.

You sound just like the police. They told me to cut my losses and forget it.

Now, the law enforcement agencies do the best they can with the resources they

have, but the sad fact remains that burglary is a low -priority crime.

You know, Benson, Clayton's right. You might as well just forget about your

stuff. Somebody violates my house, takes all my stuff, and I'm supposed to

forget about it. Good morning, everybody.

Benson, last night after the news, did you stay up and watch that comic on the

talk show?

No, sir, I missed it.

Oh, you didn't get home in time, huh? No, I was robbed.

Oh, that's too bad.

He took my television.

He told the funniest joke about an elephant and a drunken parrot.

And my stereo and all my artwork, too.

I wish I could remember the punchline.

In fact, he took everything I owned.

That's it!

Benson, did you read the morning paper?

I glanced through some of it, sir.

You should be very proud of yourself.

Most mornings I read the whole thing.

I meant this editorial on your speech to the water commissioners. And a good

deal of the credit for this highly innovative program should go to the

director, Benson Duvall.

That's very nice.

You also make police blotter on page three.

Benson, Benson.

Benson, wait till you hear what happened.

You know that vacant lot?

on the corner of Beverly and Hooska, where the guy in the van sells the

animals and Elvis rugs?

Well, I found something there that's going to make you very happy.

And it's right behind this door.

Denise, bring it on in.

Yes, Benson, it's your TV.

That does look like my TV.

It is your TV. Here, look, right here along the bottom. What do you see there?

Looks like dried -up mustard.

Dried -up mustard? Dried -up mustard. How did dried -up mustard get on my TV?

Well, last week when I was over at your house watching a game, I squirted a lot

of mustard on my hot dog.

A little on your TV.

I'm going to call the police.

Can I put this down now?

Do me a favor. Put it in my car.

Put it in your car yourself.

Hello, Officer Grimsby.

This is Vincent Dubois. I think I've cracked the case. On the corner of

and Huska, there's a guy in a van who sells stuffed animals and Elvis rugs.

and a friend of mine at work bought a TV set with mustard on it. Hello?

So naturally, I thought it was my civic duty to shell out the 35 bucks and buy

the TV.

Mr. Dubois.

Exactly why did you call us down here? So you could hear his story and arrest

the guy in the van. On what charge?

Possession of stolen property.

Mr. Downey is in possession of the stolen property. Wait a minute, George.

That mustard's an identifying mark. We have a case.

Do you know how many television sets there are with mustard on them in the

United States?

Darn, I used to know.

George, if Mr.

Downey's willing to swear out a complaint...

We could go pick that guy up. Mr. Downey's willing?

I am. You want your 35 bucks?

Where do I sign?

At the station.

Come down after work, all right?

Andrea, come on, let's get out of here. Is it okay if I bring my lawyer along?

You don't need a lawyer to swear out a complaint.

I feel more comfortable.

Is it okay? Sure, no problem. Great, great. I'll see you later. Officer

Marshall, didn't my neighbor Frank give you a statement that he saw the burglar?

That's right.

So? So maybe he'd recognize the guy in the van.

We could bring him in for a lineup, George.

I'm telling you, it's a waste of time.

Well, how do you know unless you try?

You want a lineup, you got it. We're going to rouse the suspect, haul him

downtown, and fill out the forms.

All you got to do is get your neighbor to go downtown and identify him. No

problem. He'll be there.

No, Benson, no.

Frank, I told you you'd be there.

No, I'm not going to stand up in front of some vicious thug and announce to the

world that I saw him committing a crime. If I wanted to kill myself, I'd just

keep my shop open after dark.

What is going to happen to you?

How do you know?

Come on, stop wasting time, Frank. They're going to let this guy go in a

hour or so.

Why, has he got an appointment to rob someone else?

Frank, you're always complaining about everything. Here's your chance to do

something. Benson, I'm not a doer. I'm a complainer.

Besides, How do we know that the guy they have is the same guy that ripped

off? It's because you won't tell us.

Benson, come on.

What if this poor guy just happened to fall on hard times?

I mean, I don't have to tell you about the shape of the economy at this time.

What if he's never done anything bad in his life before this? Are you willing to

accept that responsibility?

What if he's got a family that's going hungry?

A sick mother in a home?

A daughter who dreams about one day being a ballet dancer.

What then, Benson? What then?

Well, after we convict him, we turn his story into a Christmas special.

Sure, you can joke about it, Benson. You're not involved.

Frank, I know how you feel. Believe me, it's always tough sticking your neck out

for the guy next door. But when one guy does it, he sets an example for the

others. Then pretty soon there's another guy who's willing to give it a try.

Then another and another.

And before you know it, everybody's reaching out to help his brother.

But none of that can happen, Frank, unless one day, one guy, one little guy,

frightened little heavyset guy stands up to be counted and says, okay, world,

you can count on me. I'll give it a try. I'll give it a chance.

Frank, I've just watched an episode of Lou Grant.

Come on, let's go get him. Okay.

Hey, two minutes.

Just relax, Frank.

It's easy for you to say, Benson.

You're not about to go eyeball to eyeball with a hardened criminal.

Frank, even if you do identify one of these guys, you'll never know it.

And not until the trial.

You're here for moral support, I suppose.

Wait a minute.

You mean if I pick this guy out of a lineup, I gotta testify at his trial?

That's right.

And if he's not convicted, he could be out in the street at the same afternoon?

At the latest.

Better give me that Lou Grant speech again.

One day, one little guy, one frightened little heavyset guy. That'll do it.

Mr.

Cooper, I told you they can't see you.

Now, take your time.

Oh, yeah, the guy in the middle. I recognize the guy in the middle.

Frank, I introduced you to the guy in the middle. I work with him.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Grimsby, why'd you put that guy in the lineup? I don't like him.

My friend Pete brought that clown down here tonight as a mouthpiece. He got on

my nerves.

Mr. Cooper, do any of the other men look familiar?

Yeah, the first guy on the left.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure. Who knows?

Well, I couldn't swear to it, but I think it could be him.

Could be. Could be.

Terrific. A definite maybe.

He's the man that sold Mr. Downey that TV.

That should be enough to get us a search warrant.

And if it isn't, it's an awful lot of work for nothing.

Well, we have to try.

We'll check out his residence. If any of the property turns up, we'll book him.

Great.

Great.

This is wonderful.

Now I gotta go irritate a judge in the middle of the night. Believe me,

there's no one better qualified.

Benson. Frank, what are you doing?

I'm on neighborhood watch tonight.

Do you really think this neighborhood watch is going to do any good? It

When that judge refused to give a search warrant for your stuff last week, I

gave up on the cops.

We got to take care of ourselves, Benson, right?

Right.

How about some coffee?

Sure.

No, Benson.

Hey, you got the new stuff, huh?

Yeah, I got the insurance check last week.

I hope you're not going to get another one of those ugly paintings.

Nice TV.

Hey, you know the Campbells? They got one of those giant screen jobs.

You want to see the type of movies they watch on that thing.

When did you see it? Tonight.

It's one of the benefits of neighborhood watch.

You get a chance to look in all the patio windows.

Oh, really?

Remember that the next time Jennifer's over.

This water's gonna take a little while.

You want a piece of cheesecake?

Sure, why not?

I work off a lot of calories patrolling the complex.

I don't believe it.

Neighborhood walking.

What's the world coming to?

We're all locked up with guards and the criminals are running around free.

Every time I pass that van over there on Beverly and the husk of my blood boils.

Hey, did you see that?

What?

My television just ran by your patio window.

Hey, somebody's ripping off my condo.

Quick, call the cops.

Oh, they're not going to get here in time.

Hey, look, Tony Mackerel, here comes another one. He's got my stamp

That's it.

Gracious. Are you sure you're all right?

He gave you some shot.

Did he break your nose?

No. I don't think so, but he finished my nine iron.

Why did you let me do that? That's the stupidest thing I ever did.

What could I do? I mean, one minute we're having a nice conversation.

The next minute you're jumping over that wall like a comic book hero.

Did you call the police?

What? Leave you alone out there?

That's okay. I think we scared him off.

Who's that?

Just a minute. I'm coming.

I'll be right behind you, Benson.

We know, we know, we know. We got him around the corner. We got him in the

and white already.

Listen, do either of you recognize this? Hey, that's my stamp collection.

I've had this since I was 11 years of age. Oh, this is irreplaceable. We need

as evidence.

I want to testify against those creeps. One of them in a checkered shirt. I got

a good, close look at him. Too damn close. All right.

Absolutely. If we ever get him in court. It's a good thing you guys were in the

neighborhood. Oh, we were answering a call about a peeping Tom.

Heavyset man in a funny hat.

like that around here, I'll certainly let you know.

Thank you, Mr. Dubois. Good night.

Good night.

Hey, you want to go check out your place?

No, they won't be back. Let's have the cheesecake.

Okay.

How about that? We actually stopped those guys.

We? Come on, give credit where credit is due. If I hadn't spotted that guy, you

never could have jumped him.

Yeah, and if I hadn't jumped him, I could probably still breathe through my

nose. If you didn't get your nose in the way, you'd still have a good night

-night.

You know something, Benson?

You take things too seriously.

You gotta look for humor in life.

You're probably right, Frank.

You think that's funny?

Yep.

That's not funny.

That's funny.

Let's go check out your book.

Just in time, I am conducting a taste test.

Good thing you're not taking one.

Denise is going to try and tell the difference between my homemade Bavarian

and a popular national brand.

Your homemade Bavarian cola?

Yeah, it is my mother's favorite recipe.

Okay, Denise, here you go. This is Pop B.

You got a slogan for your homemade Bavarian coffee.