Original subtitles

All right, Benson, I got everything you want.

Yeah, but you got it all in the wrong places.

Oh, where the devil have you been? We had an appointment this morning for nine

sharp. It is now ten minutes of nine. I'll see you at nine sharp.

I do not have time to wait. You will either see me now or you will not see me

all. Oh, how I wish that were true.

Could we get this over with?

All right, I can finish this later. Maybe you can round up those revenue

figures. Kraus, what I'll need from you are your household expenditures from the

last quarter so that I can complete next year's budget. Everything you need is

right here in this folder. I don't have time to look through all this. Can you

reduce this to a simple ledger? It's right there on the top sheet.

Uh, Miss Kraus, this just arrived from the State Personnel Department.

We're in the middle of a meeting here, Clayton.

First things first, Vincent.

Now, Miss Cross, you were promoted to the head of household affairs, but you

neglected to fill out this job classification form. Why is that?

Oh, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.

I have a... Stop to supervise, supply to purchase, receptions to plan. I can't

be filling out every stupid form that crosses my desk. Where's the $400

for the stove?

It's all alphabetized. You'll find it on the F for stove.

If you don't fill out this stupid form, you'll lose the benefits you're entitled

to. Can we get back to the budget here? Yes, Miss Krause. Oh, great Caesar

salad.

Get off my case.

That's the last time I do a favor for anyone.

Oh, really? I was about to ask you to leave.

Excuse me, Messenger.

Economics textbooks just arrived by Messenger.

Economics?

Shouldn't you have taken that course before you became budget director?

For your information, Clayton, I'm not taking the course they asked me to teach

it. Teach it? You? They really must be desperate.

Not too desperate. They didn't ask you.

I'm filling in for a guy they had to let go.

Denise, I'm waiting for an answer. For the last time... I know.

Why not?

Pete, when a gentleman asks a lady out, he gives her more than three hours'

notice. Why are you all in my office? Is the kitchen closed this morning?

Come on, Denise. Benson, tell her she'd love midget mud wrestling.

Sounds lovely to me.

Hey, the price includes a meal.

You expect me to eat while midgets are wrestling in mud?

You got something against dinner theater?

Come on, Denise.

Oh, when will you ever... Never change.

If she wants me to change, why is she going out with me?

She's not going out with you.

Yes, right.

Peter, Peter, Peter, when will you understand that women appreciate

Finesse? Yes.

You must dress with a certain panache. You've got to cultivate something

profound or witty to say, make the woman feel she's the center of your universe.

Yeah, well, I'm not going to go to all that trouble unless there's some kind of

guarantee up front.

Well, works for me.

And if it works for him, it'll work for anybody.

Well, could you two work your way out of here?

Well, maybe I'll give it a try.

Attaboy, Peter.

Oh, by the way, Benson, as you know, I'm an expert in the stock market, so if

you need a guest lecturer, feel free to call on me. Well, I certainly will,

Clayton. Your topic can be investing daddy's money.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Benton Dubois, and I'll be filling in for Mr. Hawkins the rest of the

semester. Why?

Well, let's say for professional reasons.

Yeah, I heard they fired his butt.

Okay, let's say he made a career change.

Tonight what we'll be discussing is how government policies affect the economy.

Can anyone tell me what an automatic stabilizer is?

Yeah, I just put one in my Chevy, man.

Mrs. Ferguson?

My late husband sold Chevrolets.

Is that right?

Now my son runs the business.

Him and that girl he married. I have nothing against her.

but I never get to see my grandchildren.

Have a seat, Mrs. Ferguson.

I tell you what, I'm going to write some terms on the board here. These are the

terms you'll need to know if you're going to pass the court.

I'm a student. What are you doing here? Where is Mr. Hawkins?

They fired his butt.

Mrs. Ferguson, do you want to stay after school?

No, sir.

You mean you're teaching my class?

I certainly am. So take a seat and move it out in the hallway.

My whole day's been going this way.

Hey, uh, teach, uh, we gotta stay the whole three hours tonight.

You certainly are.

Oh, the purpose of taking this class is so you can learn something. And from

what I've seen and heard, the only thing you people know how to do is find the

classroom.

I suggest you pay attention and read the text because that's the only way you're

going to pass the final exam.

Exam? Mr. Hawkins never gave exams.

That's why they fired his butt.

early. The final exam doesn't start for another hour. Yeah, well, I thought I

could maybe, you know, help out a little.

No.

Is that the exam there in your briefcase?

Part of it.

I'll put the rest of the questions on the board as soon as you get out of

What kind of questions?

Easy if you studied hard if you didn't.

I studied, I studied. I just don't like taking tests.

Well, I'm sorry, Cross. It's the only way I have of knowing if you know the

material.

Can't you just take my word for it? Unfortunately, no.

Well, at least give me a hint. Are there any true -false questions?

One hint.

Yes.

Well, is there a pattern to these questions?

Yes. Some are true, some are false.

I mean, see, when I was a kid in Bavaria, I had this music teacher who

set her true -false questions to the tune of the Blue Danny Wolf.

How's that?

True, true, true, true, true.

False, false.

Well,

I like the beat, but the lyrics leave a lot to be desired.

Please don't make me take this test.

Krauss, you have to take it. It's the final exam.

I'll be your friend for life.

Threatening me won't help.

Vincent, you just don't know how hard this is going to be for me.

What is it?

Here with her.

Mr. Barber, what is that in your hand?

What, this? Oh, it's a tattoo.

May I see it?

How convenient to have the free market theory tattooed in the palm of your

Yeah, well, everybody's got I love mom.

I tell you what, before you finish the test, why don't you go outside and scrub

your hands?

But it might not come off. Then don't come back.

I know this. I know this. I just can't remember it. Well, then move on to the

next question. Oh, right, right.

Number two.

Nope. Nope.

Nope. Ralph, I don't need a backup singer to grade paper.

Which is wrong with that answer?

The question is, explain the wholesale price index.

Yeah? And your answer is, the wholesale price index is an index for wholesale

prices.

That's not right.

Well, it's not wrong, but I'd hardly call it comprehensive.

Did you study at all?

I studied all night.

I knew this stuff cold.

Well, it must have slipped your mind when you warmed up.

Here you go.

Forty -two.

What is that, like a B minus?

More like an F+. I'm sorry, Kraus.

You failed the course.

You can't fail me, Benson.

Come on, Kraus. This is not the end of the world.

Took this course to learn something, not get a grade.

Wrong. I need that grade, Benson. I don't give a damn if I learned anything.

So far, so good.

Benson, I am begging you.

Give me a D.

Why does this grade mean so much to you?

Because if I flunk economics, I won't graduate.

Graduate? Graduate from what?

High school.

What, you never graduated from high school?

Oh, Benson.

You just don't know what it was like.

I was just a girl when my family came to this country. I had almost no English.

I understood about half of what the teachers were saying.

And whenever I raised my hand to speak, even if I knew the answer would come out

funny and the other kids would laugh at me, it was a nightmare.

And we were poor. We needed money. I knew I could get a job. So finally I

said, oh, who needs this? And I just quit.

I taught myself.

But you see here is a self -made woman.

Well, you did a good job. So what do you need with a piece of paper?

Because state law says I can't hold a management position without a high

diploma.

That's why you didn't fill out the management promotion report.

Now that you have failed me, I'm going to lose my job.

Kraus. Oh, Benson, it isn't just a job.

You of all people should understand that.

The mansion is my whole life. I have nothing else.

You and Katie and the governor, you're the only family I have.

And now that's all gone.

Pete to change, but he's acting just like Clayton.

Oh, the new Pete's a phony, a snobbish bore.

Yeah, that's impossible, Denise.

Snobbery like Clayton's takes years to perfect.

Benson, Benson, Benson.

How are you this fine morning?

Pete, don't you know you can be arrested for impersonating a fool?

Ah, Benson, your sharp wits never fails to amuse me.

Hmm, good morning, Denise. You look lovely today.

Thank you, Peter.

Call me Peter.

What is that?

It's a mustache. What does it look like?

Looks like you've been snorting charcoal briquettes.

Good morning, all.

Which twin has the Tony?

Good morning.

When are you going to stop this asinine imitation?

Will the real Clayton Endicott please calm down?

But just look at him. He looks like a preppy mutant.

Clayton, Clayton. Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter!

Well, I refuse to dignify this outburst with a response.

The man's a barbarian.

Benson?

Such an annoying little twit.

Yeah, he's acting more like you every day.

Hi, David.

Denise, would you tell Benson I'm not talking to him? Why? What did he do?

Miss Krause is upstairs packing. He made her lose her job.

What did you do to the poor woman?

I didn't do anything.

He flunked her in economics.

You flunked Miss Krause? You flunked Gretchen? She didn't know the material.

Yeah, but now she won't get the high school diploma she needs to keep her

I thought you weren't talking to me.

You're absolutely right.

Boy, you're tough.

Denise, she didn't know the material. I had no choice.

Don't worry about it, Benson.

I would have done the same thing.

Well, thank you very much, Clayton. That makes me feel much worse.

Denise?

You got a minute? Oh, Pete.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here. I need to talk to you about the way it's

I know you like me the way I am now. Oh, well, quite frankly...

Denise, I can't keep this up.

My mustache itches. It costs a fortune to keep these suits clean.

And I've had it with going home and my dog not knowing who I am.

I'm sorry, Denise.

That's the way it's got to be. Pete, I agree.

I like the old Pete.

You do?

Uh -huh. I mean, you do? Well, as long as the old Pete has nice manners and be

little more sensitive.

Hey, no problem.

I'll take the suits back and I'll keep the manners.

I'm so glad to have the old Pete back.

You want to have some lunch this afternoon?

Sure, thanks.

Great. You got any cash?

Oh.

Oh, hi, Governor.

Ah.

Russell, do you know what this is?

Miss Krause's resignation. This is Miss Krause. Krause's resignation. Do you

mind if I read you some of it? I've already read it, sir. Good, then I'll

it to you.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am forced to give you my resignation.

P .S., if you want to know the circumstances, ask Benson.

Well, I know the circumstances.

Then you understand.

And I don't understand how you can let a valued employee like Miss Krause be

forced out of a job.

Do you intend to do anything about it? Yes, sir, I'm working on it. Governor,

you wish to see me?

Yes, Miss Krause, I want to get to the bottom of this problem with you and

Benson. I have a solution if you'd like to hear it. Maybe Benson has a solution.

Why would Benson want to do anything for me?

Well, I've been very firm with him, and I think he's beginning to get the

message. I have a solution.

Well, it's about time.

Krause, I spent an hour convincing the principal to let you take a makeup test

on Friday.

Big deal.

You're very welcome. It was my pleasure.

Well, maybe I have something else to do on Friday. As a matter of fact, I do

have something to do on Friday. I have a lot of things to do on Friday.

What's the best I can do?

Well, thank you to high heaven.

Hudson, she's grateful.

She's just overwhelmed.

I wish she was overseas.

You came by here at one o 'clock to give me a weather report?

You've got to help me study for the test.

Go home and read the book.

If you don't help me, I'll stay out here all night.

Kraus, keep it down. I got neighbors.

been at this for hours. I don't know why you can't remember anything.

I'm a dummy.

You're not a dummy.

Thank you, Benson.

You're unpleasant, you're an irritant, and you're a constant nuisance, but

you're not a dummy.

I didn't used to be when I was in school in Bavaria. I was one of the smartest

kids in the class.

What's wrong now?

Benson, there's too much riding on this. You know, when you're a kid, you don't

care whether you pass or fail. You just want to get to recess.

Ralph, you could pass this test if you'd just relax.

Easy for you to say.

Come on, close your eyes. Imagine you're a little girl in Bavaria again. You got

a test coming up, but you don't care.

It isn't working, Benson. I mean, this is nothing like Bavaria. There's no

no mountains.

Where's that thing you gave me for Christmas? Huh? That paperweight. Here

Okay.

One mountain scene coming up.

Now, look at this, eh?

Pretend you're in Bavaria, pretend it's snowing, and pretend you're a little

girl. Oh, that's an awful lot to pretend.

Cross, you're not concentrating.

Well, shake it up for me again.

Okay, shake it up.

Now, close your eyes.

Now,

you're going back to your school years. Now, picture yourself at your desk.

Class is about to begin.

You're going to take a test in walks the teacher.

Quiet, everybody.

Here comes Herr Oberdorfer.

That's good pretending.

Good pretending, Krause. Danke schön, Herr Oberdorfer. Say what?

Herr Oberdorfer, please may I get out early to go and tend my goat?

You're taking this a little bit too far, Krause.

What's my responsibility?

Krauss?

Royline Krauss.

You are ready to take the economics finale, yeah?

Jawohl! Good. Good.

We cannot have you geflunken again.

Nein? Nein.

So.

Ist das nicht der G .N .P.? Ja, das ist der G .N .P. G .N .P.? G

.N .P. Now, was ist denn L .A .C .F.? L .A .C .F.? L .A .C .F.?

So,

we have a final question.

You will tell me the name of the man who has founded the Bank of the United

States. That is easy. It was... Alexander Hamilton.

Wunderschön, Kraus.

You have gepasst der Test mit ein gehundert Prozent.

Dankeschön. I will go now und tend mein Guts.

Huh?

I must snap you out of it.

Oh, Herr Oberdorfer, I have had a crush on you.

Kraus, I am not Herr Oberdorfer. Wake up.

Do not worry, Herr Oberdorfer. Mein Vater is in Switzerland.

Oh, my Lord.

Herr Oberdorfer, don't you know ich liebe dich?

Ich liebe you a lot.

Can you liebe me alone?

Herr Oberdorfer, mein Liebling.

Well, Kraus, I hope you forgive me for this.

happened? You stubbed your toe.

I did?

Oh, such luck.

Benton.

What's been going on around here anyway?

Don't you remember I gave you the economics exam? You passed.

I did?

Right. Ah, damn.

Oh, Benton, I should kiss you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. What would Herr Oberdorfer think?

Herr Oberdorfer?

Thought of him in years.

Who cares? He never gave me a second look anyway.

Thank you, Benson.

Halt!

Raus! Raus!

About face!

March!

Before you go, guess what Arnold gave me for graduation present. Something I

always wanted.

He gave me a little charm.

You sure know what you needed.

It's a little gold graduation cap.

Are you sure it's the right size?

Yeah, it's going to fit perfectly.

Oh, Benson.

Congratulations,

Kraus. Thank you, Benson. You made me what I am today.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You're not going to blame that on me.