Original subtitles

Good morning, Cross.

Good morning, Benson. Oh, my, you look nice today.

Well, thank you very much.

What are you doing tonight?

You don't look that nice.

Well, thank you again.

No, it's just that I have these tickets for the National Gymnastics Competition,

and I can't go, so I thought maybe you and Arnold might like them. Oh, thank

you, Benson, but I can't make it either.

The Community Theater is opening Oklahoma tonight. I'm making the

Arnold is playing Curly.

Arnold's playing Curly? I thought Arnold was bald.

Only on the top.

He wears a cowboy hat. You can't even tell.

And he's not going to take his cowboy hat off when he kisses the girl?

He kisses a girl?

That's the story. The girl he falls in love with, Laurie.

And he kisses her?

Krause, if he's playing a cowboy, he either kisses her or the horse.

He kisses anybody, he gets a fat lip.

I'm going to go and call that buckaroo.

What, he drops? Oh, go kiss a horse.

Uh, Pete, you got any plans tonight? Plans, yeah. Gorgeous redhead, classy

French restaurant, dancing till the wee hours.

Then back to my place for a nightcap.

Oh, so you got a date?

No, all I got is a plan.

Well, I got these tickets to the National Gymnastics Competition. I can't

them. You want them? How much? Nothing.

Hey, that's great.

I'll take Denise.

Do me a favor. When you get back to your office, ask her if she'll go. Pete, I'm

not asking her. You ask her.

Well, I can never find the right words.

Just be direct.

Good morning, everybody.

Morning.

Denise, how about some gymnastics tonight, huh?

That's a little too direct, baby.

What do you think I should do? Show her the tickets.

That's a good idea.

Denise, see, they're already paid for. You want to go or not? Oh, I'm sorry,

Pete. I can't.

Any other bright ideas, Benson?

Consider it a priesthood.

Thanks, Denise.

I would go, Pete, but I'm going to the community theater tonight. My mother is

playing Laurie in Oklahoma.

Benson. What is it that goes on between me and women?

Very little.

Good morning.

Gentlemen, don't forget that meeting at 10 .30.

Oh, is that with you and that PR guy from New York? Yeah. You know, I don't

why you're bringing in this guy. I can handle all that campaign stuff.

I'm not bringing him in, Pete. It's the party's idea.

According to their latest polls, my image needs a lot of apology.

Yeah, well, what can he do that I can't? Well, for one thing, Pete, he can

probably get a date.

Thinks this is going to be a tough one? Yeah, apparently.

Listen, Pete, the fellow might want to take a look through your press file, so

stay available.

I'm free, except for tonight. I got this pair of tickets here for the National

Gymnastics Competition. Oh, really?

Katie's been talking about that meet all week.

Look, I don't have a date. I can let you have these for practically nothing.

Practically nothing?

Oh, thanks anyway, Pete. I've got exercise class tonight.

Oh, listen, I have an idea. Why don't you take Katie?

Katie?

idea, sir.

Well, I didn't say it was a bad idea. Good. I'll go tell her.

It's not funny, Benson.

What are those guys from the press going to say when I walk in there tonight

with half a date?

They'll say, here comes Pete with half a date more than he usually has.

Hi, fellas. What's going on?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll come back later. Governor, the meeting is with you and

Clayton and that guy from New York. Oh, that's right.

Sorry to keep you waiting, gentlemen.

Governor, this is Jerry Ziegler from Pierce, Pierce and Boeing. Pleased to

you, Mr. Ziegler. That handshake's going to get you into trouble, Governor.

Excuse me? That's my first piece of advice. Firm up your handshake.

Now, who else we got here?

Oh, well, this is, uh... How you doing there, guy? Pete Downey, press

Don't overcompensate, babe.

Benson Dubois, budget director.

Hey, man, you call that an afro? I mean, I got a bigger afro than you do.

Listen, if you want to help your governor, you got to maximize your

exploit your roots.

Mm -hmm.

Are you here alone, or did the whole circus come?

Uh, Benson, if you'd, uh, listen to Jerry, it's just possible you might

something. Clayton, when I want to find out something about my hair, I'll

consult Ebony magazine.

Hey,

hey, hey, call me Jerry. Mr. Ziegler's my father.

Does he know you're this far from home?

Then, son, why don't we just give Jerry the opportunity to express exactly what

he intends to do? Thank you, Clay.

Now, we specialize in image, okay? We can sell anything if we put it in the

right package.

Soap, politicians, or dog food.

You keeping up with this, Dubois?

I think so.

You want us to wash the governor up?

and put him in a Gainesburger box.

Just try to ignore him, Jerry. Fine.

Now, at Pierce, Pierce, and Boyington, we've used computers to put together a

composite of what we call the least objectionable politician.

For instance, the way you got your legs crossed.

Body language, okay? You gotta start thinking more in terms of machismo.

Any questions, Benny?

Yes, as a matter of fact, On the way out here, did your plane lose oxygen?

Governor, you have an appointment with Senator Barnett. Oh, good. Well, I'd

better get going.

Come on, Jerry, why don't you tag along?

Ah, terrific. I'd like to see the governor in action.

Well, you won't be disappointed if he's playing handball.

Like him or not, Benson, this man is going to get the governor re -elected.

Boy, that guy is a real jerk, isn't he, Benson? Yeah.

What's he doing here, anyway?

He works here.

Who are you talking about?

Clayton.

Who are you talking about? Jerry.

Then we're both right.

Yeah, you and I were a lot alike.

Don't overcompensate, bitch.

Good morning, Cross.

How'd the opening of Oklahoma go last night, huh?

Arnold kissed the girl?

He was going to, but Denise's father stood up and said, you do it, Doris, you

walk.

everything was a disaster.

Arnold got woozy during the dream ballet.

Well, maybe he was dreaming about you.

Benson? He fell down and lost his hat. For the rest of the play, every time

somebody called him curly, the whole audience burst out laughing.

You see?

And you weren't even there.

And that's not the worst part.

In the big number at the end of the show, he misspelled Oklahoma.

I like to wear jeans. All the kids wear jeans. Now, now, Pumpkin, Jerry is

simply suggesting you wear some sweet little dresses during the campaign,

Munchkin.

Clayton, I have a name. And if it's too difficult to remember, just call me Miss

Gatling.

Very well, Miss Gatling. Jerry thinks you should look more vulnerable.

I think Jerry's a twerp.

And that's the nicest thing that's been said about him.

Incidentally, Benson, Jerry thinks we should huddle this PM, light bulb a few

notions, get this campaign off the back burner.

No wonder the English language is in trouble.

Benson, did you hear about my date last night? Yeah, I heard you went out with

Pete. Oh, it's wonderful.

He's the most mature boy I know.

Yeah, me too.

He sat with the guys from the wide world of sports.

What, he knows those guys?

He knows... Everybody. And they all like him. He makes them laugh.

And they kept buying us stuff to eat and charging it to ABC.

Well, Pete's one of the big spenders.

Katie, here's your lunch.

Thanks, Miss Crass.

Did you tell Benson what a good time you had last night?

Yeah. I wonder if there's any way I can get Pete to take me to the movies. Sure

there is. How?

Offer to pay.

See you later.

Bye -bye, Lipson.

Bye, guys.

Good morning, Pete.

Hey, Rob.

on to show a girl a good time.

Hey, Katie. It was all right.

That's not what the guys in the press room are saying.

Oh, Pete, don't let him tease you. That was a very nice thing that you did.

Oh, I remember when I was Katie's age.

Gosh, what a memory.

Yeah.

I was 11 or 12, and there was this young man named Waldo.

He was a clerk in my father's hotel.

One day, Waldo took me to a dog show.

Did you win?

He was very nice to me. And I had such a crush on him.

Oh, it's one of the happiest memories of my childhood.

Whatever happened to Waldo?

My father fired him.

Fired him? Why?

Well, one day I left the mountain to go and make goo -goo eyes at Waldo. And

while I was gone, a wolf killed all my goats.

And he fired Waldo?

He couldn't fire the wolf.

You know, it's been that way since Adam and Eve.

The girl messes up and the guy has to pay for it.

That's some story, Cross.

Yeah, I'll never forget it.

We ate goat for a month.

What does goat taste like?

You ever have llama?

I've had llama beans.

Hi,

Denise. Did Pete come in here? Yeah, he's in with Benson. How was school

Uneventful. Denise, can I ask you a question?

Sure. A kind of personal question.

Okay. Are you and Pete heavily involved?

In what?

In, you know, love.

Oh, no.

out a couple of times, and he's a nice guy, but we're just good friends.

Oh, good.

Look, I'm going to go make some copies of these. You want to come with me?

No, if you don't mind, I'll just hang around here for a while. Sure.

Okay, thanks, and I'll schedule a press briefing tomorrow at 10.

Hi, Kitty. Hi, Pete.

Hey, have you seen Denise?

Why do you chase after her, Pete?

She doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Yeah, I know.

What you need is a woman who loves you.

What I need is a woman who'll go out with me.

I'll see you later, Katie.

Wait, Pete.

Here. I just want you to know... What, Katie?

Never mind.

Okay. Pete, I love you!

What was that?

Uh, um... I, uh, I... I love you.

Pete, I never felt this way before. Never.

Yeah, uh, well, uh, well, I, uh, I affect a lot of girls that way, but, uh,

you'll get over it. All the others did.

No, I won't, Pete.

After last night, I realized that you and I are made for each other.

No.

Yeah.

No, really.

Oh, Pete, you're blushing.

Uh,

Katie, uh, we can talk later. I gotta go have a meeting with the goats.

So cute.

Oh, Benson, I'm glad you're here. I want to get your advice.

What do you think?

I think somebody's been defacing your poster.

I did that.

Oh, really? Well, you stayed inside the lines.

Jerry thinks I need a younger image.

How do you like the hair like that?

It's okay.

What about mustache?

Oh, well... It looks like Wayne

Newton.

a pirate.

1972.

All right.

Well, I'm settled.

I'm not gonna dye my hair.

No earring?

No. I'll just go along the way I look.

I will work on that handshake.

Is the governor gone?

Well, he will be if he keeps this in the jury.

Benson, you gotta help me here.

See, this girl is in love with me, but I'm not in love with her.

I mean, you know, I like her all right, but she's only 11.

What are you complaining about? Bo Derek's only a 10.

Would you be serious, Benson? This could cost me my job.

Not to mention your citizenship.

Benson, it's Katie.

She says she's in love with me.

Have you two set a date?

No joke, huh? Now, what if the governor finds out?

It'll be pistols at dawn.

You don't think he'd kill me?

Oh, no.

Well, not immediately.

I'm sure he'd want a toy with you first.

Come on, now. The governor is not a violent man.

Yeah, you're right. He'll probably just fire you.

Fire me? It's not my fault. She's in love with me. Who's in love with you?

Doesn't anybody knock around here?

This is a kitchen.

What's going on here?

Katie loves PB.

Why don't you just scribble it on the walls?

Calm down, Pete. You finally got a girl you can get in the movies half -price.

Isn't anybody going to help me?

It's just an infatuation, Pete. She'll get over it. You think so? Of course.

If she doesn't, you'll have the biggest wedding in the sixth grade.

Just a moment, Benson.

I need to talk to you.

Wait your turn. I'm still listening to your jacket.

If this was Jerry's concept, he felt in my former mode of dress I looked too

much like the governor, confusing to the public.

I see. And rather than confuse the public, you'd prefer to blind them.

Jerry's right. The people just aren't that sharp.

It's Jerry that's not that sharp.

There's no reason to fool the people. What's wrong with the governor the way

is? We can make him better. We have the technology.

That's just what we need, a bionic governor.

Benson, I gotta work somewhere.

What'd you do, sublet your office?

I can't work in there. School let out 20 minutes ago.

Oh, I see. You're hiding from Katie?

Yeah, she'll never find me in there.

She will if she asks me.

Pete, get out.

No, Kate, no big deal.

I can handle an 11 -year -old.

I'll work at home.

Pete, I thought I told you to get out of my office. I tried to.

Katie was out there waiting for me. She was wearing makeup and high heels.

Oh, really?

Where are you two going tonight?

Vincent, I'm in big trouble.

I don't know. What should I do? Should I just dump the kid and hurt her

feelings? Calm down, Pete.

Katie's not in love with you. She's in love with an image of you. An older,

sophisticated man around town.

You talking about me?

Of course not.

I'm talking about Katie's image of you.

What's that got to do with me?

Absolutely nothing.

But it's how Katie sees you.

She doesn't know the real me. I mean, I'm shallow, petty, cheap.

Precisely.

Katie thinks you're loyal, friendly, and kind.

Yeah, but the truth is I'm sloppy, lazy, boring.

Exactly.

Maybe she should see that side of you.

You're right, you're right. You know, if she knew the real me, she'd dump me

like a hot potato.

It's great, Benson. Hey, how can I thank you? Take your shallow, petty, cheap,

lazy, boring, silly self out of my...

That is the worst duck call I've ever heard.

What are you doing in here, anyway?

Well, I was trying to escape from a meeting with Jerry.

Thought I'd come in here. What are you doing in here? I am warming up my voice.

Warming up your voice? Sounds like you need a jump start.

The community theater is having auditions tonight for the king, won't I?

You know, of course, you'll have to shave your head.

Oh, dummy, Arnold is playing the king.

I'm trying out for the part of the English tutor he falls in love with.

If Curly's going to kiss anybody, it's going to be me.

A German teaching English to the Siamese. I got to get a ticket to this.

Hey, what's the idea of walking out of my meeting?

I raised my hand before I left the room.

What's your problem, anyway, huh?

Ziegler, I don't have a problem.

I just disagree with your methods. I think that the governor should present

himself the way he is, talk about the important issues, and let the voters

decide. Come on, Benson. You don't think those boobs out there pay any attention

to what's going on, do you?

I mean, what do you expect them to do?

Read about the issues?

Huh? Give me a break.

Nobody reads.

Maybe nobody you know.

But when Mr. Average American comes home from the can factory, he isn't

interested in thinking.

So you're going to do his thinking for him? That's right.

But those people out there aren't like you and me. They don't know what's good

for them.

I mean, Gene Gatlin, he's like an underarm deodorant.

People don't really need him, so we've got to sell him.

And I'm the guy for the job.

Look, you don't have to like me, Benson, but you do have to respect what I do.

No, I don't either, because I'm one of those people out there.

And you certainly don't respect me. You call me a boob?

It's time guys like you realize that the average American is on to guys like

you. And one of these days he's going to stand up and shove your ideas right

down your throat. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is the second choice.

Governor Gatling, listen, if anything I said was misinterpreted... Oh, I didn't

misinterpret anything, did you, Benson?

No, sir, it must be because we read.

Mr. Zeger, shall I show you to the door?

Yeah, right.

Fine, yeah.

Ciao.

Nice speech, Benson. I wish Mr. Average American could have heard it.

Ah, he doesn't need to hear it, sir. He already knows it.

Hey, Benson, have you seen Pete?

Did you look in my bathroom?

Hey, you messing with my chick?

Well, if it isn't lovable Pete.

Hi, Pete.

Hey, babe.

Hey, you got ten bucks? I want to get my watch out of hock.

I have $10. I have to check my piggy bank.

It's no sweat.

You can give it to me later.

Oh, hey, listen.

Grab me some stuff for a sandwich. I want to talk with Benson here.

Sure, Pete.

So, Benson, you see the game this weekend?

That's all I do on the weekends.

Lay around in my underwear. I watch football.

Doesn't that upset the other patrons at the bar?

Don't you ever listen to music or go to the museum or anything?

Hey, I am what I am.

You tell him, Popeye.

Look, Pete, I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to get me to hate you because you don't like me and you don't

to tell me.

No, it's not true.

I like you.

Then what are you doing?

Here.

Sit down, Katie.

Katie.

I'm really flattered that you find me attractive.

Believe me, you're going to feel this way about other guys.

Lots of other guys.

It's all part of the process of growing up.

And when you grow up, all those experiences will help you make a good

In other words, you're dumping me.

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't put it like that. It's more like... Yeah, I guess that's

what I'm doing.

I guess I have to give the ring back, huh?

What ring?

I brought a friendship ring to give to you to give to me.

Well, if it's a friendship ring, I think it still counts.

Why don't you give it to me?

And I'll give it to you.

And we'll just be good friends, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Hey, I'll tell you something, Katie.

When you do choose, whoever the guy is, he's gonna be real lucky.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Yeah. Okay.

Good morning, Kraus. Oh, how'd the audition for King and I go last night?

It was horrible.

They let you sing, huh?

The piano player kept playing notes I wasn't singing.

Kraus, the piano's a very limited instrument. It's only got 88 keys to

from. I tried to explain the situation to the director.

You mean you blamed it on the piano player?

Yeah. The director said it wasn't a piano play.

Yeah. You told the director to put it in a sock.

Exactly. How did you figure that out?

Getting to know you.