Original subtitles

Oh, Miss Krause, that French toast was delicious.

That wasn't French toast.

That was toast a la Krause. What's the difference?

Well, with toast a la Krause, first you dip it in the batter, and then you

aggravate it for about 20 minutes.

You care to join me for a cup of coffee, Benson? Yes, sir. About those

demonstrators outside.

Are they here already?

They woke me up this morning.

Save the animals, trees, and grass.

Kick Gene Gatling out of office.

Well, she remembered most of it.

I'm not crazy about the sentiment, but it is catchy.

Sir, Captain McDermott is worried about security. He wants to disperse the

demonstrators. Oh, well, we could ask them to leave, but I don't think they'd

go. Well, he had in mind turning a fire hose on them.

I won't allow it. Well, I took the liberty of telling him that, sir. Those

demonstrators have as much right to be here as Captain McDermott. How can we

make him understand that?

We could turn the fire hose on him.

rabble going to march around chanting?

They're upset about converting a state forest into an energy exploration site.

But what am I going to do? All the geologists say it's the best place to

for natural gas.

Not as good as the state legislature.

Your concern is admirable, sir, but it's unwarranted. You have single -handedly

protected more land than any governor in the history of this state. It's nothing

to lose sleep over.

That's what I keep telling myself as I lie there awake.

I tried counting sheep, but they were all carrying little suitcases because

kicked them out of their homes.

Governor, you sent the bill to the legislature. Now that it's passed, you

very well veto it.

I can't? Well, you can, but you can't. How much do you pay him for advice like

that?

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

Isn't it great to see all those concerned citizens protesting against

outrages of our technocratic society?

Thank you, Jane Fonda. We know where you stand.

Of course, I would never try to influence the governor's opinion one way

other. But? But how anyone can turn his back on all those helpless little

animals is beyond me.

You know, sometimes it isn't lonely enough at the top.

I wouldn't worry, sir. History will support you on this. Well, I certainly

so, because this fellow doesn't. Let me read you this letter I got.

You dirty rat!

Probably for Clayton.

I haven't even gotten to the good part.

I hate you. What you're doing to animals stinks.

I hope you croak.

Signed, a friend.

Well, sir, all this proves is that one of your critics is deranged.

Well, I'll say this for him. His printing's very legible for crayon.

Well, an issue like this was bound to provoke at least one cranked letter.

Oh, he's written me others. Or she has. They're in my desk.

You sure they're all from the same person? Looks like the same green

Are they all like this? Oh, no.

Some are really nasty.

Do you mind if I take a look at them? No, help yourself. They're in my left

-hand desk drawer.

Why do you suppose Benson's so interested in those letters?

Maybe he's looking for a pen pal.

Why, Captain McDermott, if I called you anything, it wouldn't be that.

He's here, Benson.

Come in.

Hey, this is about those demonstrators outside.

My men are ready for them.

Sorry, McDermott, put your fire hose back in your holster.

Hello, McDermott, how are you?

Ready, willing and able. What's this all about, then, Benson?

My governor's been getting some hate mail.

That's what we'd like you to find out. All right.

What? Hate mail?

Well, sure. You haven't seen these before?

No. I thought you opened all the governor's mail.

Benson, if you're going to conduct this interrogation, what am I doing here?

If I were you, that's one question I'd never ask.

Leave it to a pro, Benson.

I thought you opened all the governor's mail.

I do.

You must have overlooked these.

McDermott, it's pretty hard to overlook something written in green crayon.

Well, if they didn't come in the mail, then how'd the governor get them? How do

I know? Maybe somebody just walked in and put them on his desk. No, that's

impossible. How long have those protesters been on that conga line out

More than a week. Right.

And since day one, I've been sacking out right here at the mansion.

I haven't seen any fishy -looking characters sneaking around, have you?

No, just a senator or two.

Would you get somebody on these?

No problem, Benson.

You think we're dealing with a real weirdo here?

Yes. He just left.

working on this gas exploration bill for three months. Three long months of

futility. I am overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness as if all my monumental

efforts add up to diddly squat.

I have exactly the same feeling when I look at my paycheck.

You know what the problem is, Benson? It's the system.

The government has grown so complex it's almost impossible to do anything.

So why do I keep trying?

Why am I here?

Come off it, Clayton. You're good at what you do. The governor needs you. The

state needs you. That's why you're here.

You're right. Of course.

Thank you.

You know, I'd like to return the compliment, but try as I may, I find it

impossible to be insincere.

Serves you right, stupid.

Hi, Benson.

Hi, Judy.

Benson, my friend Judy's coming over after school.

Okay. Yeah, but that means we can't have our chess game this afternoon.

No, that's fine with me.

Last time we played chess, my king didn't last long enough to raise taxes.

Bye, babe.

This is for you.

Morning. Morning.

Captain McDermott left it on my desk. It's the police psychologist's report on

the hate mail. Thank you, Marcy. He said it's confidential.

Oh, yeah? What does it say? It says that whoever wrote the... It's all right,

Marcy. My name's on it. You can tell me.

It says whoever wrote the letters is not violent and in no way poses a threat to

the governor.

Well, I certainly hope they know what they're talking about. It's amazing what

you can tell from handwriting analysis.

Really? How do you know? I used to mess around with it in high school.

I'd look at girls' handwriting and tell them what they subconsciously longed for

was a deep physical relationship with a fairly short, sensitive man.

Did that work?

No. And nothing else did either.

Everybody, into living room. Come quick.

I know what this is all about.

She probably found a dime in the couch.

Ross, will you please slow down long enough to tell us what this is all

I'll tell you what it's about. Just look at my wall.

Good Lord.

Don't mess with mooses.

I haven't seen anything like that since Janine spray -painted divorce me on the

garage door.

I'll get something to clean the walls.

Nobody touches that, Krause. It's evidence.

But who could have done this thing?

Captain? Roger.

Here's the way I read the evidence.

In order to write that message, the man had to be inside the mansion.

Either that or he had a very long crayon.

Now, there are two possibilities.

Either our friend came inside from the outside, or he could have been inside

along. I think you just lost me.

He's saying it could have been an inside job.

That's your theory?

That's Doom Cop's spiel.

Are you accusing one of us? Everybody in this room is a suspect, so nobody

leaves till I finish my investigation.

Well, nobody's going to investigate me. I'll be in my kitchen. Yes, so will I.

I'll be at my desk, sir.

Sir, I feel my authority is being challenged here.

It's not being challenged. It's being laughed at.

Governor, they're right. This doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry, Benson, but

Captain McDermott's just doing his job.

How would it look if I excused my personal staff or myself from an

investigation? Thank you, sir.

You said you had some method of finding out who did this. Yes, sir. It's very

simple. I'm sure it is if he thought of it.

I'll need handwriting samples. I want everybody on the staff to write

for me. Oh, goody. Can I make mine a personal message?

Don't be cute, Benson. What am I going to do with a personal message?

Instruction will be in the message.

Just write your little heart out, Benson.

Meantime, I'll bring in the Screaming Eagles.

Could you just get a police dog?

No, sir.

Screaming Eagles is the trade name for this little baby.

The state of the art in sonar beam alarm systems.

Had to go in there for a minute, didn't I?

I can have one of these in every room in the mansion by tonight, sir.

Isn't there any other way?

Not if you want to catch this sucker.

I better get the troops cracking on this.

Sir, isn't Captain McDermott overdoing this? No, we can't hold him back,

We have to give him his head.

Shouldn't we put something in it first?

Well, you can rest easy, Benson. The alarm system's been completely installed

inside and out.

I've instructed my men to turn it on at exactly three, two, one, now.

The green crayon has been silenced for tonight.

You're a credit to the flag, McDermott.

Thanks, Benson.

You're some kind of guy yourself, fella.

Well, it's been a long one. I think I'll hit the pillar and stack up some Zs.

Okay, Benson, sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

You bugged my bed?

Cute, Benson, but don't worry. Trust me. We'll all sleep easier tonight.

If anybody even moves, we'll know it.

My men have wired every window, every door.

I don't

know what you're complaining about, Kraus. You set off one...

arms yourself.

Well, I had to brush my teeth.

You could have left them in the glass till morning.

Good day.

Easy for you to say. You didn't have eagles screaming at you all night.

Where's the governor?

He isn't out yet. How long is he going to be?

Um, he should just be a few minutes.

You two going to wait here? You better bobsled.

Fine. I'll be in the kitchen.

you're looking at. You don't know either, huh?

Good morning.

Good morning, Governor. About those alarms. I know it was awful. Where's

McDermott? I'm going to get him on the phone.

How many times did those alarms go off last night? I lost count after a

screaming eagle caught a moth in Katie's closet.

McDermott, get over to the Governor's office.

It's down the hall until you're left.

McDermott, even triggered one. I found him in the hall in his pajamas.

McDermott in his jammies, huh? No wonder the eagle screamed.

You wouldn't believe what those demonstrators did to me. What?

One of them yelled animal killer and hit me with a bag of trail mix.

Pretty good shot I was running at the time.

You know, that trail mix wasn't bad either.

Hey there, Pete. I saw you zigzagging up that lawn.

Good moves, fella.

You wanted to talk to me, sir?

Yes, I'm afraid your security system isn't working out. Nobody got in, did

Nobody got to the bathroom, either.

Inconvenience is the price we pay for security, Krauss.

If every home in America had a screaming eagle, we wouldn't hear about crime

anymore. Yeah, we'd all be deaf.

None of the outside alarms were triggered last night, right? Too bad we

sleeping outside.

Were there any notes this morning?

Just one for the milkman.

But none in crayon.

Well, I rest my case.

Don't rest it till you've explained it.

Well, he's saying that there are no notes this morning because nobody broke

the mansion last night.

Bullseye. So it was nobody on staff. It was an outsider.

Roger. Good. Then we can take out all the inside alarms and get some sleep.

Whatever you say, sir.

I just follow orders.

Then follow that one.

Look.

Stay out of the woods or I'll beat you up good.

You know what we have here, Benson?

Sounds like a poem from Muhammad Ali.

No, what we have here is an ironic twist. I was wrong.

It is an inside job.

I just

can't

find it. Uh -huh.

I guess I lost it. It's not much of an alibi, sweetheart.

Okay, has it?

This morning when the note was discovered on my father's door, I was

premises.

I spent the previous night at the home of my good friend and co -student Judy

Palermo. Oh, no.

That's enough.

We were working on a science project.

This can be verified by Judy's parents, Marie and Arnold.

Get away from me, kid.

Such stupid delivery boy. What are these bags doing here?

So far, they haven't done anything.

Tell Senator Ravel I agreed with him about Senator Billings. Yes, sir. What

should I tell Senator Billings? Oh, I'll tell him myself I'm going to go see him

Visitor's Day.

What's that, Clayton? These are the dead files I asked you to have removed from

my office.

Well, I wouldn't leave them there.

Where would you like them?

In your office. That's where maintenance is going to pick them up. Oh, no.

There you go. We have it here. The alarm system's been completely removed.

Hey, if this is a party, how come I wasn't invited?

Ladies, will you get those files off my table? Very well.

Back to the fault line. Cross, what is this?

Everybody freeze.

Don't move. That's a bomb.

A bomb?

Please don't, Clayton.

Shouldn't we all get out here? Can't, sir. It's too risky.

Slightest jarring could set that thing off.

Then why didn't it go off a long time ago?

Because these jokers are temperamental. That's why, Cross.

I've seen a tank roll right over one of these and nothing.

Then somebody drops a cigarette near one and kaboom.

Kaboom.

Come on, ladies and gentlemen. We don't have all day. If Katie comes through

that door skipping rope, we're all going to be blown to smithereens. If you know

how to defuse this thing, then do it.

Okay, okay, no problem.

But it'll take two of us. Two of us? I don't do bombs.

I'd love to do it, Benson, but I left my glasses in the can.

Sorry, ladies.

Don't worry, Benson.

If you can screw in a light bulb, you can do this.

We are doomed.

And in McDermott's. Don't let that touch the floor, Clayton.

Marcy, have you got a Phillips screwdriver?

Not on me.

How about a potato peeler?

That'll do.

Hurry. I can't feel my fingers.

All right, Vincent.

Now, the first thing you do is disconnect that red wire from the

Red wire from the terminal.

Hold it.

How does that go?

White, you're right. Red, you're dead.

You'd better make that the white wire.

I suppose it's too late to call Radio Shack.

Trust me, Benson, the white wire.

What happened?

Well, for one thing, I nearly lost my lunch.

One of those magnetized babies.

You slap it on the side of a ship, it sticks right there.

Forget the lecture.

I'm doing irreparable damage to my back.

Take the channel, Clayton.

All right, Benson.

Just relax.

And very carefully get that peeler off the bomb.

And then proceed.

Proceed? The thing you told me was red as dead.

Good.

Okay.

Now, try turning that terminal that's attached to the white wire from the

to the left.

Right to the left. That should loosen it. Unless it's one of those risky jobs.

Well, then what?

Well, as they say in Russia, sayonara.

Come on, Benjamin. Chop, chop.

Good.

Good.

You're getting it.

This next step should do it, Benson.

That should disarm the bomb. Just take a deep breath and pull that wire away

from the terminal.

A red one, right? No!

Just checking.

the question mark.

I'm going to call the chiropractor.

Thanks for the assistance. Anytime.

Hey, drop my science project.

This is your science project?

It was an electromagnet. Now it's junk.

I better go call Judy Poe.

Wrong to other way.

Didn't one of us be humming?

Sorry. Benson, we thought you were the crayon man.

We have no guarantees that he isn't. I say we search him for crayons.

Good morning, you Krauts. You frisk at your own risk.

Oh, Captain McDermott, I'm so glad you're here. You probably heard the

commotion. What's with him?

I think he's sleepwalking. But his eyes are open.

It's not that unusual, Miss Kraut.

Uh -huh. I think Captain McDermott... and just solve this case.

I believe I'll wake him up and congratulate him. Captain!

Captain!

McDermy!

What are you doing in my bedroom?

Look at the wall.

Holy Toledo, he struck again.

Did you find any clues?

Just one.

Me? Caught with the smoking crayon.

You've been sleepwalking and sleepwriting.

Sleepwalking? I can't believe it.

Haven't done that since they threw me out of the orphanage.

Look, he started to write something about bears. I didn't know you cared

the animals.

He probably doesn't know it himself, Miss Krause, but obviously deep within

subconscious, Captain McDermott loves that forest.

Of course I love that forest. It's where I do all my hunting.

Smelly clothes at Children's Zoo?

That's funny, Benson.

I guess you'll want my badge and my gun. That won't be necessary, but Katie

would like her crayon.

You mean I stole that crayon?

Benson, what's happening to me?

I don't know. I lost interest after you woke up.

Good morning, Benson.

Good morning, Governor.

Did you sleep well?

Yes, I did, once I got the idea.

What idea is that, sir?

I'm assigning two conservationists to that oil exploration crew.

By the way, we'll have somebody to look after the forest.

I feel a lot better now.

It's a good idea, sir. It makes me feel a lot better, too.

Well, I didn't know you were concerned, Benson. You were the only one who didn't

express his feeling.

Well, I was going to drop you a note about it. Why didn't you?

Somebody else had the crayon.