Original subtitles

I knew it. You are doing it again. You are always hogging the newspaper. When

are you going to finish with it?

Is that a new aftershave lotion you're wearing?

What are you doing reading the classified section? I hope you're

job openings.

No, lost and found. Any day now, the zookeeper's going to discover you're

missing.

Good morning. Good morning.

Oh, any luck with the apartment, Benson? Not yet, Marcy, but there's some

interesting ads in today's paper.

Well, Benson, if I had known you were looking for an apartment, I would have

bought some out -of -town newspapers.

He's not moving, Gretchen. He just wants a place to use on his days off, kind of

a weekend getaway.

Getaway from what?

Does tall, blonde, and nosy ring a bell?

Come on, Benson. What's the real reason you want an apartment?

I don't want an apartment. I need an apartment.

Well, all right, then. Why do you need an apartment?

Because I need to get out of here once in a while and have a life of my own.

You have days off. I don't disturb you on weekends.

Kraus, somebody is always coming to my door. The mail's not here. Check with

Benson. The chauffeur's drunk. Check with Benson. The airport's fogged in.

with Benson.

Marky, where is the staff list for this afternoon's luncheon? Check with Benson.

Do you think you could tear yourself away from Dear Abby long enough to give

to me? Clayton, believe me, I'd love to give it to you.

Benson isn't leaving Abby. He's looking for an apartment. He wants his own

little bunny hut.

Looking in the classified section, you won't find anything there.

Where would you look for an apartment?

The obituaries.

The obituaries?

Yes, I find them invaluable when I'm looking for things like rare books,

antiques, apartments.

Somewhere at this very moment, a withered old lady with a simply fabulous

is about to croak.

Good morning.

Morning. Oh, Peter, you brought a change of clothes. Having spaghetti for lunch?

Why is she like that?

Because nobody's died lately with anything he wants.

You got a date tonight, Pete?

Yes, sort of. Sort of means you're going to dress up and stand on a street

corner and wait for somebody to come up and talk to you.

I'm Benson.

Where are you taking her?

How do you know it's a her?

Well, she's trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.

We're gonna go to Smitty's.

Smitty's? Only the most expensive restaurant in town.

Yeah, well, Janine's paying.

Janine? Your ex -wife is taking you to dinner?

Well, what's the big deal? It's his money.

I didn't know you two were still even talking.

Yeah, well, it's kind of an anniversary.

Oh, yeah? What kind? You know, it's... Oh, come on, tell us.

Well, we'd been married about a year and... Not much was happening.

You know what I mean?

Mm.

So, uh, I took her to Smitty's and something about the place put her into a

romantic mood.

I think it was the prices.

So, naturally, I just kept taking her back there, and every time, bingo.

Bingo?

You call a romantic evening with your wife bingo?

Yeah, what would you call it? If it were with you, I'd call it off.

Sounds too good to be true. What's the catch?

The guy won't let me have the apartment unless I buy his furniture.

Well, what style is it? Well, I don't know if you can call it a style. It's

like, uh, early Halloween.

You gonna buy it anyway?

Well, I made him an offer he's gonna get back to me.

Did you pull those folders for me? I'm doing it now.

Benson, congratulations.

Miss Cross just told me about your new bachelor pad.

Well, thank you very much, sugar, but it's not mine yet. And it's not a

pad, Katie. It's just an apartment.

Oh, I was hoping it was a... That's a little bad.

If you want to fix it up, you can have my John Travolta poster.

Don't tell me you and John are through.

I didn't plan it that way, Benson.

It's just that Bruce came along.

Bruce? Bruce Springsteen. Get with him.

Do you want the poster?

Well, maybe you better hang on to John until you see how things work out with

Bruce. You're right, Benson.

I hope I outgrow this fickle stage soon.

When I was her age, I couldn't decide between Fabian and Frankie Avalon. You

couldn't decide which one you liked better?

No, I couldn't tell them apart.

Oh, Benson, I just heard from a reliable source that you found an apartment.

Would that reliable source be the German Rona Barrett?

Have you signed anything yet? No. Good, I've got a better deal for you. How

would you like to move into my place?

Will you promise to take me to dinner at Smitty's?

I'm not asking you to live with me. I was hoping you'd pick up the lease.

I'm going to move back in with Janine. Oh, that's wonderful.

I think.

I mean, based on everything you've said, Pete, I thought you hated her.

Janine? Are you kidding? I never hated Janine.

I may have hated some of the things she said and did.

I hated her shoes.

Oh, come on, Marcy. The only reason she wore wedgies was to be taller than me.

But that's all in the past.

What do you say?

Peter, just the person I'm looking for. Did you write this speech? Does it have

my name on it? Yes, and part of your sandwich.

The governor has to deliver this speech on Monday.

What's wrong with it? It's trash.

Well, don't hold back. If you don't like it, just say so.

I want a shorter version on my desk by tomorrow morning.

I can give you a shorter version right now.

The man simply cannot take constructive criticism.

Hello? Oh, yeah, one minute. It's for you.

Oh, thank you.

Hello? Yes.

Terrific. Right.

Bye.

I got the apartment.

Congratulations. When do you move in? This weekend. Oh, that's great.

Yep, a place of my own. Oh, Benson, you're just gonna love it. You bet.

Peace and quiet and privacy.

Chuck, I can answer that in one word. Fast break. That's two words.

Well, the teams are taking the court, so it looks like we're about to begin. All

right.

It is you.

I thought that was you moving in.

It was me.

Bronson, right?

Benson. All right.

What a coincidence, you ending up here. I'm your next -door neighbor.

Small world.

You don't remember me, do you?

What, are you kidding me? Of course I remember you.

You're my next -door neighbor.

I'm Rhonda.

Rhonda Page.

We met at the Johnson's party.

Did you cut your hair?

No. I didn't think so. Come on in.

Listen, can I get you something? I don't have much to offer. How about a beer?

Great. Okay.

to take it with a paper cup. I don't have any glasses.

I see you got all your furniture moved in.

Let's get one thing straight.

This is not my furniture. Oh, good.

Well, it's tacky, but it works. Why don't you have a seat?

Oh, you're watching the game.

Yeah, actually, I was. I love basketball.

Yeah, I've been looking forward to this game all week.

You know, I'm surprised you didn't remember me.

Well, you know, now I remember why I didn't remember you. You remember when I

used to call you and you told me to forget it?

I did.

Well, you called me at a bad time.

1979 was a bad time? I was engaged.

Oh. So now you're, uh... Living next door.

Alone? Oh, no, I have a roommate.

Her name's Denise.

Oh.

So what happened to your fiancé? He got married.

He doesn't live in this building, does he?

Who is he? Me, Benson.

since yesterday.

How have you been? Oh, fine, you? Good. This is for your housewarming.

You better put it in the freezer before it melts.

Hope you like pistachio.

Thank you, sir. This is Rhonda Page.

Oh, hi. Good to know you.

I'm Gene Gatling.

Well, looks like we're the first people here, huh?

Do I know you from somewhere?

It could be. Where'd you go to high school?

Thank you for the ice cream, Governor.

You're the Governor.

I know.

Please, sit down.

Vincent, you didn't tell me you knew the governor.

Well, don't hold that against me.

So where is everybody?

What everybody?

Everybody.

Different places, I guess.

Well, I mean, the party's here.

What party?

Oh, Vincent, I'm afraid I blew it. Listen, just forget I was ever here.

Listen, let's everybody hide.

Surprise, Benson.

Wrong.

Well, isn't this nice? Governor, I'm sorry we're late. We had trouble finding

the building.

Oh, we?

There are more of you.

Here, I made food.

Oh, Kraus, you shouldn't have.

They forced me.

Flake? They forced me.

They shouldn't have.

Rhonda Page. Rhonda, these are some of the people that I work with. This is

Clayton, Marcy, Gretchen. Everybody introduce yourself.

Hi, I'm Marcy Hill. Rhonda Page. I live next door.

Isn't that amazing? He's here one day and already has neighbors.

I mean, everybody has neighbors.

It was just that I was... Governor, please don't explain it. Please.

I'm Gretchen Krause. I'm Benson's neighbor during the week.

Now, you know why I need a weekend retreat.

Are we interrupting anything?

No, no, no, no. Just a reunion and a basketball game.

Oh, you two play ball together?

Why don't I just open the wine? Where do you keep your glasses?

If I knew I was having a party, I would have bought some.

You don't have any glasses?

Oh, just leave it in the bag, Marcy. We'll pass it around.

There's some paper cups in the kitchen.

Thank you. Paper cups? All the comforts of home.

You have a lovely view, Benson. I can see my car from here.

Look, Benson, I didn't know you were having company. Neither did I. I'll

you later. No, no, no. Stick around. Join the party. I'm going to.

I hope you don't mind that dropping in like this. Oh, no. Why would I mind?

Feels like I never left a mansion.

Thank you.

Clayton, here's yours with your initials on it.

We all have our wine.

Oh, yes, we're having some fun now.

I'll say.

I would like to propose a toast.

That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.

I had in mind a more traditional toast, Miss Blouse, to Benson and his new home

away from home.

Not that I'd consider the governor's mansion Benson's home.

It isn't even my home. I'm just using it to the end of my term. Now I go home.

Sir, sir, the wine is beginning to soak through the bottom of my mouth.

The governor believes in drinking no wine before it's time.

to Benson's new apartment.

Yes. Anybody like

basketball? We don't have enough people.

ever tell you about the time I started at center for my high school team?

Uh, excuse me, sir. I believe my watch has stopped. Does anyone have the time?

Oh, my goodness. Will you look at that 8 .15 already?

Well, I hate to tear myself away.

Oh, must you go so soon?

But I'm working tomorrow.

Sunday. But I don't mind, sir.

I don't mind either, Clayton.

Thank you, Benson. It's been a unique experience. It's the first time I've

tasted a New Jersey Chablis.

Well, I guess I should be going, too. Maybe we all should be going.

What have we got here? A bunch of party poops? The evening's still young.

Sorry, why didn't you tell me you were having company?

Why didn't you tell me I was having a party?

It was a surprise.

So was my company.

Well, have a nice weekend. I'm trying to. Bye, everybody.

Goodbye, Benson.

Goodbye, Krauss. Thanks for the food.

Don't forget to bring back the crockpot on Monday.

Oh, that's... You know, you really have a terrific apartment.

Thank you, sir. This reminds me a little of a place my Uncle Al used to have.

Now, don't you think this story will wait till next week?

Oh, God, sir.

Good night, sir. Oh, Benson.

You really are a terrific host.

I'm sorry about all that. I didn't know they were going to drop by.

Where did you meet the governor?

Well, I worked for him.

How's the game?

Oh, you're more interesting than I remember.

Well, that's because the guy you remember was named Bronson. So you

remember me at all. Well, temporary insanity.

Want to watch the game? I won't let you forget me again.

14 and 12. This game's a rout anyway.

So, what have you been doing lately?

I thought we were going to be alone.

Well, don't worry. It's probably a wrong door. Well, while you're getting rid of

them, I'll go freshen up. Okay, it's right through there. All right, I'll

it.

The party's over, Benson.

I know that, Pete. What are you doing here? I don't want to talk about it.

too painful.

I don't want to talk about it either. Thanks for dropping by.

I don't want to burden you with my problems.

I just need a place to stay.

What

do you

mean you need a place to stay?

Janine. threw me out, Benson. I've got no place else to go. Sure you do.

You can use my room at the mansion.

No, I can't. The mansion's so big and lonely. I gotta be with people.

Well, Pete, you must know somebody else.

Janine got custody of our friends.

You know, it's funny. You never realize how alone you are until you're alone.

All right, you can sleep for one night on the couch. The couch?

No, the couch. Oh,

hey, we're not alone.

We sure aren't.

Neither are we, Rhonda.

It's Pete Downey. Meet Rhonda Page.

Nice to meet you. I live next door. It's nice to meet you. My wife threw me out.

Benson offered to put me up.

Isn't he a sweetheart?

Your secret's out, Benson.

I'm not going to get in the way. I'll just put my things in the bedroom.

Got a lot of heavy thinking to do, and I don't like people to see me cry.

Maybe I should leave. I think your friend needs you.

No, no, no, no. Stay.

Well, I live in the building. You live in the building. There's plenty of time.

As my friend Shakespeare used to say, there is a tide in the affairs of men

which taken at the flood leads on to greatness.

Sweetheart, this is our flood.

Well, if you put it that way, how about some more wine? Two more wines coming

up. Oh, you better make that three, Benson. Is yours to go?

I found out one thing in the bedroom.

I need people.

But that's enough about me. Let's talk about you two. Now, how did you guys

meet? We're still trying to.

You mean you met for the first time tonight?

We met at a party. When? New Year's.

You said it was Christmas.

No, you must have left early because I stayed till New Year's.

There must have been some party.

Yeah, Rhonda spent most of the evening dancing with some guy, but I had a good

time anyway.

We couldn't drag Vincent away from the piano. He sang all evening.

Yeah, we lit a fire, sang Christmas carols.

But then the room backed up with smoke because they broke the flue. Oh, then

remember some dummy tried to put out the fire with eggnog.

Yeah, that was me.

Benson, let me ask you something honestly.

Am I a slovenly ignorant pig with no justifiable reason for living?

Is that a two -part question?

That's what Janine thinks of me. Oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it. This whole

ordeal has given me an appetite.

You got anything to eat?

Yeah, fix yourself something in the kitchen.

But eat it in the bedroom.

Look, maybe we should go over to your place. That way Pete can be alone and

a chance to think things out.

Sorry, my roommate's trying to finish some work he brought home from the

Maybe we can get Pete to help her with it. Don't I wish.

Sounds something to nibble.

It's nice of you to let Pete stay here.

I had a hunch you were a terrific guy.

Well, if you got any more hunches, feel free to play them.

Sorry to bother you again.

You're not going to watch TV, right?

No, no.

There's nothing to do in the bedroom.

It's boring in there.

Listen to me. I sound like Janine.

I'll keep the sound low.

You're not expecting anybody else, are you? I don't know anybody else.

So, uh, tell me, Vincent, why did you move out of the governor's mansion?

It must be nice there. Well, I didn't move out altogether.

This place is a sort of weekend retreat.

I was hoping I'd find some time for myself. You know, maybe an attractive

neighbor would stop by and we'd get to know each other.

Oh, my God!

It just didn't turn out that way.

Vincent, they're stealing my car!

This isn't happening.

There they go. They're stealing my car.

I don't believe this.

I don't either. Who would want to steal my car?

Wait, wait. It's stalled. Way to go. It's a trained car.

They got it started.

How did they get it started? I can never get it started once it stalls.

I'll call the police.

My wife kicks me out, then somebody comes along and steals my car. My car,

a 64 Rambler.

Nobody would steal that wreck if it belonged to somebody else.

No, get Pete down his car. Somebody up there hates me.

They're not all up there, Pete.

The police are going to be on hold.

Sure they do. You were calling for me.

Pete, why don't you go in the bedroom and try to collect yourself?

We'll take care of things out here. What's your license number?

Six something. It fell off.

Hello, police?

Yes. Let me talk to him. Just a minute.

Hello, Sergeant? Maybe I should split.

Wait just a minute. Hold on, Sergeant.

How about dinner tomorrow?

Sure. Terrific.

Hello, Sergeant?

Hello? Oh, great. Now they got me on hold.

Pete!

All I did was plug it in.

I think you need a new picture tube.

Oh, what are you doing up so early?

It's Sunday. Why didn't you sleep late?

Normally, I would be doing just that.

But I woke up this morning to find you in my bed.

What were you doing in my bed? You were supposed to sleep on the couch.

I can't sleep on a strange couch.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I should have crumbled cookies on it to make you feel more at

home. Oh, that reminds me. Do you have an extra toothbrush?

Yeah, an electric one. Use it in the tub.

And those are my pajamas.

What are you doing in my pajamas?

Are you always this testy in the morning?

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

You come over here and you invade my privacy?

You drive away my neighbor? You put on my pajamas and get into my bed?

Pete, you're beginning to try my patience.

You'll feel a lot better after you've had some breakfast.

Oh, do you know how to make French toast? You talking to me?

Benson, would you get that? I'm in my pajamas.

They're my pajamas!

Mr. Hospitality.

It's my landlord telling me my leaf is up.

Morning, Benson.

Marcy! So, how does it feel to be living the solitary life away from your fellow

man? I have yet to know.

Benson, you're all out of dental floss.

Oh, hello, Marcy. Pete, what are you... doing here? Oh, don't ask. Why not?

Because he'll tell you. What are you doing here?

That's a good question. Well, I just brought you over some glasses before you

had to wash out your paper cups.

Well, Marcy, you shouldn't have.

Well, they're nothing special. My Aunt Helen gave them to me. Well, still, it

was very nice of you.

No, it wasn't. Why do you see them?

Your Aunt Helen's big on grape jelly, huh?

You expecting someone?

Every moment of my life.

Well, I'll just put these away, then I'll leave you alone.

Alone?

I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Good morning, Benson.

Clayton?

Marcy? Clayton, what are you doing here? I called him last night after you went

to bed.

As it seems, Peter walked off with the only copy of the governor's speech for

tomorrow.

What did you do with it, Peter? Wrap your lunch in it?

Listen, if this is government business, why don't you take care of it on

government property?

It's easier than both of us going to the mansion.

Besides, my car was stolen, remember?

Like it was yesterday.

No, no, no, this will never do.

back to square one.

Benson, would you get us some coffee?

You talking to me?

Marcy, here's a pad. Take some notes.

You talking to me?

By George, I think she's got it.

Clayton, I would like to remind you that today is Sunday, and I do not go into

the office on Sunday.

And I would like to remind you that this is not the office.

Now, who could that be?

It's probably Krause. It's lonely at the mansion.

Come in, mystery guest, and sign in, please.

Hello, Benson.

Oh, hello, Rhonda.

I wasn't expecting you.

You're not on the state payroll.

Well, I thought this would be a better time to say hello, but I guess not.

Oh, no, don't go. They won't be here that long. We will if I don't get some

cooperation.

All right, you got ten minutes, Clayton, but I expect an overtime payment in my

check. And rent payment in mine.

I think I'll come back later.

No, no, no, I got a better idea. Why don't I come back later?

What?

Why don't we go somewhere where we can be alone?

Like where?

You ever been to the governor's mansion?

Turn off the lights, lock the door, and if you break anything, you bought it.

Morning, Benson. Good morning, sir.

How was your first weekend at your new apartment?

Did you miss me? You were the only one.

came to me.

Good morning, Benson. Good morning, Peter. You lost? This isn't my

Benson, you're not going to believe it. I got a great new place.

That's a relief.

How'd you get one so fast?

Clayton found it in the obituaries.

That's not all. The police found my car, and whoever stole it fixed the

carburetor.

It turned into a great weekend.

Yeah, we must do it again sometime.

Thanks for putting me up, Benson.

Here.

This is for you. Oh, Pete, you shouldn't have.

It's my pajama.

Sorry, I didn't have time to wash them.