Original subtitles

I wonder what is wrong with the dog's appetite. They hardly touch their lunch.

Maybe the mailman was enough.

Benson, did Marcy leave a number where she can be reached?

No, what's the problem?

I would prefer talking to Marcy.

Well, so would I, but she's on vacation.

What do you need?

I need help.

You've needed help for a long time.

Oh, I had Benson dump on me. That's what she did.

Who? Betty Green.

Betty Green.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Real pretty.

Not so high.

Red hair, blue eyes, a lot of lip gloss.

Unforgettable, wasn't she? Especially with you flopping around after like a

in mating season.

Well, that's my style.

I gotta be me.

Somebody has to.

Thanks a lot, Benson.

Oh, come on, Taylor. I've taken my lumps. It happens.

But we were developing such a beautiful relationship, and now all of a sudden

she won't return my calls. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate.

You sure can talk.

And the worst thing is that I've been neglecting my duties.

You certainly aren't making my duties any easier.

What's this?

Did you find your gum?

Well, what is it?

A bug?

A bug!

Did you say a bug?

It's all right, Kraus. I got it.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

Now, how did that get in here?

Maybe Kraus left the screen door open. I did not!

Let the robber tell you. No telling how many got in.

Pence, do you realize what this could mean?

Why, there must be mics all over the house.

No, mics not all over the house.

Mics probably outside in the garden.

Let's go see.

Ah, good idea.

But, uh, first, let me clarify that joking reference I made to neglecting my

duties.

Actually, I'm turning out more work than ever.

And that girl means nothing to me.

What is he doing?

Tell her, Benson.

He'd bet me $10 that he could lift this chair by one leg.

Good.

I'm in for $10, too, Taylor.

She's in for $10, too, Taylor. This could be big.

Yes!

Nice try. Come on, let's go outside.

I'll catch you PD.

really done something wrong this time.

Oh, no, Katie, you didn't do anything wrong.

Just that Lieutenant Gordon here has found listening devices in every room in

the mansion except your room and the little bathroom downstairs.

Folks, we've got a real problem here. I suggest we all sit down.

That's it. Might as well be comfortable.

That's why I'm standing, sir.

we begin? Well, where's Miss Cross?

Well, she went to the market. I'll fill her in later.

First of all, let me say this is a real professional job. It's the best work

I've seen in years. These guys are real pros the best.

Nice to know that some people still take pride in their work.

Governor, these people aren't writing Bibles on the head of a pit. They're

trying to find something to use against you.

Benson, who are you, Columbo?

why these people are recording us. Gentlemen, I think you're getting into

area. I think I can clear this up now. First of all, we don't know who did it,

we don't know how they did it, and we don't know why they did it.

Well, that certainly clears that up.

Do you have any clues?

None whatsoever.

Any questions?

Yeah. How'd you ever make lieutenant?

Sir, why don't we work at your office down at the Capitol until this matter is

straightened out? I'm afraid that's bugged, too. Oh, I don't believe this.

in my room. Please, don't abuse my toys.

You brute.

Please, we have a real problem here and we're trying to find a solution.

There is a very simple solution, sir. Just yank all the bugs out of here. We

could do that. Well, then let's do it. Whatever you say, sir. But if we tear

them out, how are we going to trace it back to the guys that did it? We can't.

Then we shouldn't tear them out. We shouldn't. Whatever you say, sir.

Lieutenant, do you have an opinion?

Several.

Could you pick one?

What do you want to know?

Anything. Well, judging by the quality of the work and the cost of the

we're dealing with a big -time operation here. You're talking your omni

-directionals. You're talking your wood panel implants.

You're talking crystal -controlled.

You're talking gibberish.

Lieutenant, I think what Benson means is, uh, what should we do?

You want the bottom line.

Are you getting paid by the hour?

If you want to catch them, leave them in. If you don't want to be bothered,

them out. Sir, we have a state to run here. We discuss some very sensitive

issues. There is no choice, just pull them out. Governor, if you don't go

these guys, who will?

There may be risks involved, but you can't let them get away with this. I say

leave them in and nail these guys.

Right, Lieutenant. I think it's worth a try. The bugs stay.

Governor, I think you made a big mistake.

Oh, yes.

I think next time I'll stand.

Just bear one thing in mind, sir. I understand you have to watch what you

but if we're going to catch the guys, you've got to speak as you normally do.

I love you.

You know, that's funny, because I was getting the feeling you just didn't like

me.

Oh, gee, you have an admirer?

Just some guy at school.

Nothing serious.

Well, it must be serious. He wrote it in orange crayon.

Betty Green used to send notes on scented stationery.

Then one day, they just stopped coming.

I want to thank you, sir, for giving me this opportunity to catch these guys. I

can't wait to meet the person who's responsible for this really splendid

of work.

Whose side is this guy on?

onto the rear gate.

Yeah, but it'll take you 20 minutes to carry me back up.

You go ahead without me this time.

Okay. But first, I'm gonna kneel here for a while and count my blessings.

Count your what?

My blessings.

Benson, do you know how lucky I am to be loved and cherished?

Sounds like Crayon Man struck again.

Yes, we've met.

Doesn't he remind you of another famous man who was tall and thin? One of the

great presidents?

Yeah, Millard Fillmore.

Come on, Abraham Lincoln.

My father's just like Honest Abe.

Come on, Katie. I've got work to do, sweetheart.

My father's the most honest man in the world. Right. He's kind of good, too.

Right. He's the best father I've ever met. Come on, Katie. It's time to go

outside and jog around.

successful. All done.

All done without you lifting a finger, Krauss.

Oh, Benson, you have such a wonderful sense of humor.

You're pretty funny yourself, too, Krauss.

what you just said. Oh, no, you want me to say it again?

Senator Rhinegrove does not represent the bad people of the state.

Only the rich ones.

Taylor, that song is getting on my nerves. You've got to stop it.

Or learn the words.

Sir, let's go up to Katie's room.

What for?

Maybe he wants to play with her toys.

that we should discuss upstairs.

Discuss what?

Discuss... I'm tired of worrying about what I say. Governor,

sir. We all know what's going on here.

Governor. So let's lay the cards on the table. You're right, sir. You're

absolutely right. Benson.

Oh, don't worry about it, Taylor. There's nobody here. Let's talk

What are you talking about? Just like you said, Governor. The money was

in the alley behind the garbage cans. There it is. A hundred grand, all in new

bills. idea worked perfectly, sir.

Pinson, that's an outrageous lie. The governor said no such thing.

in the kitchen just now. Are you out of your mind?

No, but the governor's on my foot.

What you said out there just wasn't

true. I know that, sir, but you were about to let the buggers know what the

buggies knew, so I had to say something.

Well, couldn't you have said something nice? These people want a scandal. They

just got it. And we just got five years for life. They'll think I'm corrupt.

I certainly hope so, sir. That way we can smoke them out.

That's brilliant. Just brilliant, Benson.

There's no need to yell, Taylor. The acoustics in here are really quite good.

If we're going to get these guys, we've got to give them something they can't

ignore. Well, they can't ignore what you just said in the kitchen just now.

Oh, that's nothing. We've got to do better than that.

Don't you have an idea?

Yeah.

He has an idea.

I've got an idea. Let him go out there and tell him that it was all his idea.

Can I use Marcy's typewriter?

Oh, she took it with her. Can you call a staff meeting in two hours?

I didn't know you could type, Benson. Make that three hours.

Benson, do you know where we'll be if your plan doesn't work? Right where we

are.

Is that it?

Oh, that's it. All right. The meeting is adjourned. Let's get the hell out of

here.

What can I do for you, Katie?

Have you seen my green pen?

What color is it?

It's... Oh, Benson.

No, I haven't seen it. You doing your homework?

I did your homework.

Mr. Orange Crayon, be gentle.

It's not him, it's me.

I'm just not ready to make that kind of commitment.

Besides, he's shorter than I am.

Well, then he's got nowhere to go but up.

I know, Liebchen.

Benson. Benson, what's all this about a meeting? What do you want?

I want you to speak up.

Yeah? But the rest of us have something to say, too, so only speak when it's

called for.

Understand?

Yeah, I think so. Benson.

Taylor, quiet. The governor has something to say.

I do? Yes, sir, and we can't wait to hear it. Benson. Taylor, you get your

chance to speak?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

You ready, sir?

Oh, I believe so.

wondering why i have called you all together right boss we sure are right

kraus

saying, sir? We picked up the hundred grand today.

I can't wait until we get our share of the money, Gretchen, my darling.

Yeah, Taylor, my sweet.

Soon we will be dancing the samba in Rio.

It is like a dream come true, my little knockwurst.

You are already my dream come true, my furry little bunny.

Not to mention yourselves.

Let's get on with this. Pause.

Taylor has come up with a great idea.

We can use some of the money to buy certain members of the state senate.

And those we can't buy, we'll race.

Then the senators will get the state to purchase that swamp we own in Midville

County. For three million dollars.

Taylor, where are you going?

To put the hundred grand into brown paper bags.

That is my plan, isn't it?

make a wonderful couple. The question is, a wonderful couple of what?

Come in.

Are you sure?

Come in.

Oh. Fancy that it was you who sent them out.

What did you think of us?

John.

John? Yeah.

It's, uh...

Meet me downstairs something John.

In the... In the?

In the John.

Oh, whoa.

Good, because I was about to give up looking for him.

Looking for who?

John. But there is no John.

Whatever you say, Benson.

I've got this.

I think the guy who's been bugging us is in the waiting room.

What makes you think so? Well, I was standing talking to Taylor, and this

whom I've never seen before, comes up to me and says, Hi, Benson.

Oh, that is your name.

Of course, that's my name. I know that.

The question is, how did he know that?

He must have recognized my voice.

Uh -huh.

Oh, well, we better get ready for him. Yeah, that's right.

Excuse me.

Are you coming?

Yeah, I'll be along in a minute.

Okay,

come in now.

Governor, this is Mr. Walter Harwell. Mr. Harwell? Well, I feel as though I

you already, sir. Oh? Well, it's just that I've heard so much about you.

All good, I hope.

Benson,

Mr. Hallwell would like to talk to the governor, so if you don't mind.

No, I don't mind.

Benson. No, no, no, no, that's all right. I think you will all be amused by

I have in here.

What is it, a puppet?

Hardly.

Mr. Hallwell, what... What can I do for you? Well, for starters, my clients want

you to call off that loan sharking investigation, appoint a judge or two,

grant certain contracts to a construction firm that they own.

When I say what can I do for you, I don't mean what can I do for you

Ah, but I do.

And I'm going to get a lot more.

Are you ever.

Carlo, what are you talking about? I'm talking about what you've been talking

about for the past few weeks.

This place is wired for sound. I've heard every word you said.

Oh!

And I have it all here on tape.

In other words, you're trying to blackmail us. Well, I would prefer to

it as giving you an incentive to cooperate with me.

Oh, well, I think I've heard enough.

I think I've heard enough.

Have you heard enough? Got it all.

What is this?

It ain't the St. Patrick's Day parade.

to finally meet you in person. You know, I'm one of your biggest fans. I just

love your work.

Maybe he'll autograph his mug shots for you.

I thought you were still in jail. Yes, well, if I go back, you're coming with

me. This paper has everything you've said, word for word.

Oh, don't bother. We've got plenty of copies. And we sent one to the attorney

general. Wait a minute.

That meeting yesterday, you made that all up?

Everything, except the stuff about Taylor and Krause.

Lieutenant.

I want you to find out how that man got past our security to install those bugs.

Well, I don't think it was him, sir. You see, he's got a partner whose specialty

is getting inside.

Well, I hope you catch him. Don't worry, sir. We'll get her. Oh, you mean, sir,

her? Yes, sir. And real pretty, too. See, she usually manages to make friends

with some flunky on the inside.

Ends up getting the run of the place.

Yeah? She's about so high?

Yeah. Red hair, blue eyes, a lot of lip gloss?

Yeah. Have you seen her?

No.

Taylor, have you seen her? Anybody like that around here lately?

Uh, Lieutenant, I don't want to take up any more of your time.

I'll be in touch with you later.

I want a thorough investigation, Lieutenant. I want this woman found.

Well, well, well.

What do you know about that?

Nothing that I care to discuss.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

She used you and then she disappeared.

Well, I guess you'll be going to jail.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

Now that you and Kraus got something going, who knows? Couple of years, you

ought to be married.

Hey, guess what I have behind my back?

Give me your hand.

It's something you write with.

Typewriter.

It's your pen.

Thanks for letting me borrow it.

Ah, you're welcome.

Did you get that Dear John letter off to Crayon Man?

Yeah. It was the toughest letter I ever had to write.

How'd he take it?

He could have taken it harder.

He lived, huh?

I found out he sent love notes to all the girls.

He wasn't taking any chances.

That's what he thinks.

Don't bother to look under there, Katie. They took out all the bugs.

Well, you never know if you found so many. In the lamps, under tables, hidden

walls. I know somebody they could have hired and saved themselves a lot of

money. I hear you.

I'd like to hide her in a wall.

I heard that, too.

How does she do that?

Brunson is videotaped before a studio audience.