Original subtitles

Well, Miss Krause, did you remember to get that... Of course I did.

Did what?

Remember anything you could possibly mention.

I've arranged hundreds of these receptions. I think of everything.

Can you guess what I'm thinking now?

Same to you, Benson.

Benson, how can you so uptight?

Well, I just want this to go well, Katie. I've never met a president

I've met two.

It's no big deal.

Well, I happen to think a lot of President Okazi.

How come?

Well, because in two years, he's managed to pull his people together and bring

them free elections, and he's done an incredible amount for his country.

Then how come I never heard of it? Well, because it's a new African country.

They just got their independence.

A third world country.

What do we need a third world for anyway?

We had enough trouble with two.

Miss Krause, have you finished the hors d 'oeuvres?

Of course I did. What kind of fool do you think I am?

I don't know. Is there more than one kind?

The governor would like to see you. Tell him to come on in.

Benson in his office now.

I'm busy right now.

Benson, obviously it's important or he wouldn't have sent me to get you.

Obviously. What's it about?

Well, for the moment, all I can say is that tonight's reception has to go

smoothly and with absolute dignity.

Well, I guess I'll have to cancel the naked lady popping out of the cake.

Benson. Okay, I'll cancel the cake.

Don't worry.

Everything's going to turn out fine.

Oh, Marcy, I think you better tell everyone on the staff that they're not

know what happened.

But, sir, if I tell them, then they'll know.

Oh, but they won't know what it is they don't know, will they?

I don't know.

Governor? Oh, come in, come in.

Gentlemen, this is Benson.

So what do you think?

About what?

Interesting. He might work.

Under the circumstances, he's ideal.

Thank you. You're not so bad yourself.

Who's the Shriner?

This is Mr.

Roromo, the Foreign Minister of the Republic of Zadmundi.

Oh,

it's an honor to meet you, sir.

Yes, and it pleases us greatly to make your acquaintance as well. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat some more, but I've got to get back to work.

Again, it was a pleasure meeting you. Excuse me. No, um, Benson, the reason we

asked you in is that President Ducati won't be able to attend the reception.

What happened? I'm afraid he's indisposed.

Who? He's a little under the weather.

Oh, he was poisoned.

Well, don't look at me.

We have the suspects in custody.

Is the president all right? Oh, he'll be fine.

Seems three members of a radical fringe group managed to slip a potentially

lethal substance into his orange juice at the hotel this morning.

Wasn't there security with him?

Yes, I was with him.

What'd you do, squeeze your own?

Caldwell Secret Service. Could I see that again?

Benson, he's the real thing.

He may be the real thing, but he ain't very good at it.

Governor, what has this got to do with me?

You'll see.

Once the radical faction of my country learns that the president is temporarily

vulnerable, they will immediately attempt to overthrow him. Now, they must

convinced that their plot has failed.

Then they won't take your word for it, huh? No, Benson. You see, President

Rukazi's in the hospital, and our guests are expecting to meet him tonight.

Well, what time are visiting hours? I can take four in my car.

reception. The whole world would know something's wrong.

Well, make up a story. Say he's got the flu or something. But how's that going

to fool anyone, Benson? They sent people here to poison him. They'll think

they've succeeded.

Yes, and new fighting will break out before the president can return home. So

what are you going to do? Well, fortunately, Taylor has a plan.

Really? Taylor?

That's only been good.

What is it?

We simply have someone impersonate the president.

That's who.

You want me to pretend I'm President Okazi?

Will you do it?

No.

What do you mean, no?

No. N -O. No. I can't put it plainer than that.

Vincent, they already caught the people who tried to poison him, so it's not as

if there's any danger.

I can't do it. Get somebody else. There's no time to get anyone else. The

will be here soon.

Besides, if we went looking for someone, word would get out.

Well, what about Mr. Leromo or Caldwell here? Caldwell volunteered, but I'm

afraid he's too tall.

Well, if he were to scrunch down like that, he'd stick an image.

Benson. No good?

The worst. Well, suppose he stood in a hole.

This is the president's first visit to this country. This is all anyone's ever

seen of President Ukazi.

Put you in a beard and the right clothes, I'm sure you could impersonate

Well, I sing a little bit, but I don't do no impressions.

Well, Benson, when their country's embroiled in civil war, I hope you can

with your conscience.

If he doesn't want to, I can understand.

No, no, let's face it. What's at stake here is either your vanity or

carnage. Now, wait.

I'm not afraid of embarrassing myself.

I just don't want to embarrass you and the state and President Ocasio. It'd

never work. There is a chance that it might.

Mm -hmm, about one in a million.

But you are the only chance that we have.

Come on, nobody will believe I'm president.

Benson, I didn't think anybody would believe me as governor, but here I am.

Uh -huh.

Benson, this is very important.

All right, Benson, when were you elected president?

Uh, 1977.

Ouch, ouch!

Watch those scissors.

Benson, please pay attention. We only have a couple of minutes. I know that.

You have a degree from Oxford. You speak seven languages.

Is one of them English?

Good, because that's all they get in a...

Try not to sweat too much. It'll loosen the glue. No, you try not to sweat when

you're nervous.

Benson, tale with me.

What's the average annual rainfall in Zodmundi?

Rainfall? Taylor, these people are not going to come up to me and ask me how's

the weather.

It happens to be 37 inches.

Thank you.

Here's your speech. What speech?

President Nukazi's. Presidents always make speeches on these occasions.

But I don't. Let that Loromo do it. He can't. He's gone back to the hospital to

be with the president.

Benson, I realize that I put you in a terrible position, but we need their

mineral products, and they need our equipment to help build their country.

now we need you to help make that all happen. Okay?

Buzz off, Taylor. Okay.

May I come in? It's your office.

Well, yeah, but I don't want to disturb you.

It's too late for that. I'm plenty disturbed already.

Come on, you're going to do just fine.

Oh, yes, the way they've got you fixed up, you could have even fooled me.

That good, huh?

I must say, the resemblance is remarkable.

Oh, yeah? You really look like him.

Well, there's the handsome devil.

Oh, believe me, Benson, no one will ever know that they aren't meeting the real

President Ukazi.

Something like that.

Um, it's a special occasion, honey.

Really? What is it? How'd you like to go to a movie?

Why? What's going on?

Nothing. If you want to get rid of me, you always send me to a movie. That's

true. Then why can't I stay?

Let her stay here. I'll go to the movie.

I'm not going to any movie.

Okay, then go visit your grandmother.

What movie did you have in mind?

You'll find something.

I'll see you later. Benson,

did you ever think of growing a beard?

No, really?

Good.

Governor, I can't do this.

Oh, come on, come on. Now, what's the net increase of the gross national

product? Who cares?

It's 7%. You know, Benson, something in all this reminds me of when I was a kid

and Eleanor Roosevelt came to visit.

She was the president's wife, of course.

Do I have a wife? I'll check.

Oh, but maybe I've told you this already.

No. Oh, good.

Well, you see, my mother was very active in the war effort, sewing bed sheets

and one thing or another. So one day toward the end of 42, well, now, this

have been 43.

Well, it was the same year that Count Fleet won the derby. Well, that makes

sense. Sir, I think some of the guests have already arrived.

What guests?

For the reception.

Oh, yeah. Oh, thank you. That's right.

Well, I'm sorry, Benson. I'll just have to finish this story later. I'll be

looking forward to it.

Benson, this really is a wonderful thing you're doing. How can I ever thank you?

There'll be a list on your desk in a moment.

Now, what else do I have to know? You don't have time for that. We have to get

you out there.

Benson, I know you're not crazy about doing this, but it is for a good cause.

just relax and don't worry about anything. I know you're going to do just

I hope.

And just remember, the fate of an entire nation is riding on your shoulders.

Thanks. That takes the pressure off.

So the two of us boys never did get rich by going down into that wishing well

and scooping up all the pennies.

See, the problem was it was not only dark down there. Excuse me, Governor.

Hello, how are you? Nice to see you.

Excuse us.

Go ahead.

What? Introduce the president.

Oh, well, I will. I was just waiting for somebody to give me the go -ahead. Go

ahead. Oh, fine.

Then I'll go ahead.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please, thank you.

As you know, we are honored to have as a guest a man with whom we've just

completed an extraordinary trade agreement. A man who has done so much to

stability to a troubled part of the world, which reminds me of several

but the best of which concerns the time Eleanor Roosevelt came to visit my

family. Go ahead!

So, without any further ado... It gives me great pleasure to introduce the

president of Zagmundi, His Excellency, Haram Utadze.

Wonderful to see you. So glad you came.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you. As they say in my country, hello.

President, you look different than you do on television.

I do?

Yes, you look much younger.

You must have been watching old news.

You know, Governor, this is a splendid affair.

Whoever runs this house should get a big raise.

You sure of that?

There's something wrong, isn't there? Uh -huh. Is that my uh -huh or his uh

-huh? You should see Benson.

Oh, then he's doing all right. All right. He's got everybody completely

Since they are bigger fools than he is.

Sir, there's a bit of a problem. I knew it. I could tell from the uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Evidently, there's a fourth assassin and he's in the area.

What area?

The area of the living room.

How? A guard saw someone running across the lawn. He went to check and found an

open window. A window? Well, I certainly hope somebody's looking into it.

When I say I hope somebody's looking into it, I... We know, Governor, we

What you're saying is somebody out there is going to try to kill him?

Mr. Governor?

No, Benson.

Oh, that's a relief.

have concluded an excellent trade agreement with your country. But do you

to apply a tariff?

I don't tell if I do and I don't tell if I don't.

Mr.

President, how do you find America?

I fly to Mexico and turn right.

I'd like to know, do you like it here?

Oh, yes, I love it here. Yes, it reminds me of home.

What do you miss most about your country?

The gross national product, which is 7%, and the rainfall, which is 37 inches.

Mr. President?

Hello, Governor.

I must say, Mr.

President, you speak English very well.

Oh, thank you so much, and so do you.

Say what?

I thought that meant thank you very much in your language.

Well, it can mean that, but the way you have just phrased it, it was an insult

to my mother.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I let it go this time.

Mr. Percy?

Hello, Governor.

Excuse me.

Linson, I don't know how to say this, but there's a man in here who's going to

try to kill you.

I hate to eat and run.

No, no, no.

Wait. I hate myself in the morning. No, you can't go.

You want to bet?

How? I said that the moment you try to leave this room, you're a dead man.

Well, in that case, I could stay a little longer.

Besides, we can't let the others know there's anything wrong.

You don't think they'll suspect something when they see me face down in

punch bowl?

Who's the killer? They're trying to find out.

Tell them to look for the one standing over my dead body.

Be careful.

There's the thought.

I'd like you to meet Mr.

Stevens. Oh, Mr.

Stevens, so glad you could come.

Mr. Stevens is director of marketing for...

So

sorry, I dropped my napkin.

Again, uh -huh.

Well? Who?

Oh, no.

What? What?

We know who it is. Well, then go get him. It's not that easy, sir.

It's Philip Yates.

Oh.

You've heard of him, then?

No.

Real slick operator.

Tough to catch.

He's in the living room. How tough could it be?

It's difficult to say.

Could you try?

Well, he uses a lot of disguises. Fact is, in crime circles, he's known as the

man of a thousand faces.

Wonderful. We have a killer with a cute name.

We have reason to believe Yates has done jobs as a rabbi, a midget, and once as

a Shetland pony.

I didn't see any of those out there.

Of course, I wasn't looking for the pony.

saying is that it could be anybody.

Of course, sooner or later he'll tip his hand. Good. How?

He'll try to kill Benson, and then we've got him.

I'm not sure Benson's gonna like that plan.

No, thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, if we could have a little quiet.

At this time, I would like to ask our esteemed guest, President Dukasi, to

deliver to us any remarks he feels are appropriate on this auspicious occasion.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you President Dukasi.

Excuse me.

Make the speech.

I forgot the speech.

Well, read it from the cards.

That's what I mean. I forgot the cards.

Then make it up. Come on. I'll help you if you need it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you President Dukakis.

Governor Gatling and distinguished guests.

Governor Gatling and distinguished guests.

In the short time that I've been here.

In the short... time that I have been here.

We have discussed many topics of mutual interest. We have discussed many topics

of mutual interest.

Our most important achievement has been the agreement for economic cooperation

between your country and my country.

What?

Our most important achievement has been the agreement for economic cooperation

between your country and my country.

Our most important achievement has been the agreement for economic cooperation

between your country and my country.

Benson, what's going on? You don't know?

Know what?

There's a hitman in here trying to kill me.

What? We've got to get you out of here. No, no, no. We'd better get to the door.

If you'd prefer I didn't smoke, just ask.

Sorry. We are so pleased with the spirit of progress that has marked these

proceedings and has resulted in this agreement.

As my countrymen would say, when the leopard makes a home in the tall grass,

cancel the picnic.

All you have to do is sign the documents and you're finished.

If I'm not finished before that.

Mr. President. Yes, yes.

Would you care to sit down? Yes.

It wouldn't sit too close to me.

Let's see. I sign here and you sign here. Is that right?

That's correct. One copy each and then you exchange them.

traditional cane dance of my country here.

And they did it so well, didn't they?

And that concludes our seminar.

Good job, Nasty. Just care to slip out? After what I've been through, I deserve

a party.

Be a dear boy and fetch me a tumbler of scotch, will you?

Oh, have we had the pleasure of meeting.

We have, or you'll have to forgive me. I'm not myself today.

All right, Yates, let's go.

And listen, thanks for your cooperation on this.

It was not cooperation. You were no help at all.

You sure it's safe to open this thing? Of course it is. It's from President

himself.

Solid ivory.

Oh, yes.

Gretchen, I want you to have this.

Oh, Benson, no. It is lovely, but I cannot.

Yes, you can.

I want you to.

Please.

Well, thank you, Benson.

Thank you.

You saved my life.

Yeah, but this is worth so much more.

Brunson is videotaped for a studio audience.